I have never been so depressed in my life. I'm not going to get into the details, just because there are way too many to even being to explain. There's just been so many things going on in my personal life lately that have totally destroyed me emotionally and to top it off i'm alone....Soo soo alone....Once again. I've never felt so lost and confused in my entire life. The worst part is, I have no one...No one at all. I can't talk to my parents, I never have been able to and I have no friends (literally). It hurts so bad. I'm so upset i've gotten sick and thrown up and my chest literally aches. I don't know what to do. I drove to the river earlier tonight and just sat there and cried. Whenever I look at ethan, I start crying because I feel like i'm not good enough for him and that I can't give him what he deserves. Honestly, I believe that i'm not good enough for anyone. If I hadn't of had ethan, I seriously wouldn't still be here tonight. I'm not kidding around, I feel so worthless and so pathetic. I have absolutely nothing going for me. I am sh*t and everyone else seems to agree. I can't keep going like this, something has to happen. I don't understand why these things always happen to me. What did I deserve to have this sh*tty life? It isn't fair. I thought I was a good person, I guess I couldn't have been more wrong. The worst part of this whole thing is that I was in love....Real love...More love than I had been in...E.V.E.R. That isn't the reason for this vent tho, that's just what set it off. Things can only get worse for me...They never get better. I always get fooled. I get my hopes up and then they get smashed.
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replied October 26th, 2004
Extremely eHealthy
*hugs* im sorry that life is so hard for you right now. It will get better though it really will. I dont know what is going on in your life, but I have felt that kind of pain before. I am sure you are a wonderful mother and if I can do anything to help you just let me know, really!

-kristin
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replied October 26th, 2004
Extremely eHealthy
The other day I was just sitting home alone in bed watching music videos on cmt and like I just started bauling.. I'm inyour boat hun... I can be such a happy person yet still hurting deep inside... Everything is different and everything is so hard.. I'm not going to say sorry because I doubt thats what u want to hear.. Life is hard... Life hurts... It thorws u curves but you learn to love... If you ever wanna chat hit me up Smile
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replied October 26th, 2004
Active User, very eHealthy
Thank you girls. I wish I could get a life started, but it's so impossible.
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replied October 27th, 2004
Experienced User
I don't know what to say crystal that u need or want to hear.. But I am so, so sorry that you feel so bad. Many yrs ago I was in a huge black hole too so I know at least a tiny part of how you feel and it's terrible. I'm so sorry that you're hurting. I'm also glad tho that you have your beautiful little boy and that you're still trying to be a great mum to him. Even tho it doesnt seem like it at a time like this, there is always something in the near future that comes along and lifts your spirits and things dont feel quite so bad, even if it's only for a very short time.
Stick in there crystal... You'll get there.
Loren.
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replied October 27th, 2004
Experienced User
Oh hun! I wish I could give you a big huge! I know what it feels like, to feel like you have nothing. When I was with my ex boyfriend paul. I was soooooooooooo in love. It was the type of love people looked at us and would just get jealous. I mean we didnt care what people would think about us. We went 2 the fair and we danced around and would do the little stupid stuff. My parents hated him and hated me for being with him. They kicked me out of my house. I had no where 2 go to except 2 pauls house. I lived there for about 2-3 weeks. My mom went 2 the hospital (shes sick so shes always in and out of the hospital) well she wanted me 2 go 2 the mayo clinic with her and my brother. Well of course I went. I was gone for about 3 days when I got back. I found out I was pregnant, found out my mom doesnt have a long time 2 live, and paul broke up with me. This all happened within 12 hours! Before me and paul were together, I tryed 2 commit sucuide. (overdosed on vicdon, would take about 15 at a time and try 2 go to sleep) matt got me out of that. But anyways. Paul broke up with me because he thought it would be better with my parents. We could have time apart and get stronger then when we got back together, be stronger for eachother. The time apart killed us but we probley would have made it but then I had a miscarriage. I wanted my baby so much. Yes it was unplanned but that didnt mean I loved my child anyless ( I had a miscarriage at 7 weeks). After that me and paul were done. We blamed each other and whenever we hung out we would start thinking about everything and both of us would just cry. A little while after I started dating matt. He has been my best friend for years. And last saturday he asked me 2 marry him. Were moving 2 chicago this spring 2 start college.
Hunny theres always always hope. And ive been at a all time low. I know what it feels like when you feel like you have no one. Or even sometime when you really do have no one.
But the truth is no matter what, you will always have god and hes will always be with you. You are not alone. You have 2 people you have your son, that needs you only you. And you have god. (dont forget everyone on here 2 Wink and even though it doesnt seem like its gonna get better, it will. You have been blessed with your son. Thing will turn around I promise.
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replied October 27th, 2004
Extremely eHealthy
**hugs** girl im so sorry that things dont seem to be working out. Youre an awesome mommy and an amazing person! Dont ever think or let other ppl think otherwise! We love you =)

<3
gaby
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replied October 27th, 2004
Especially eHealthy
Crystal,
hun. I dunno what to tell you. I love you and I hope things look up for you! You aren't crap and you do deserve better.
Love,
chanda
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replied October 27th, 2004
Extremely eHealthy
Awww hun i'm so sorry things looks like sh*t right now. What happened to.. (kenny is it??) did u two break up?

Do you attend school? If so, why don't you go to another school and try making new friends.. Kinda get a new start. I wish we were all there to hlp u out... But anytime u need to talk, we're here.


Shauna
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replied October 27th, 2004
Active User, very eHealthy
Wow its weird that u posted this cuz I totally felt that way last night and today. I cried for like 2 hours and instead of eric asking whats wrong or what he can do he says I love u n goes on the computer. Ive always wanted to get on antidepressants but didnt cuz I was preggy but now that dom is here I am. I hate who I have become I feel like a monster we should really talk sometime I think it would do us both some good. Take care. ~ erica
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replied October 27th, 2004
Extremely eHealthy
Crystal,

you are a wonderful person! We love you and you know it! You are the best thing that could ever happen to ethan, because you love him more than life itself. It's only natural to want more! Just know that you do have someone, you have lots of us!
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replied October 29th, 2004
Active User, very eHealthy
I'm so confused. Yes, kenny and I broke up. It wasn't him though. I was the one that broke up with him. I thought that it was the best thing to do at the time. Then, I realized that it could have been a huge mistake. My brother and I went to kenny's house tonight so that I could talk to him, and kenny and I went into his bedroom and talked about why I did what I did and how we each felt and then I walked out into the living room to see what my brother was up to and a few minutes later, my brother was like, "what's he doing in there? Why isn't he coming out here?" I went back in the bedroom to check on kenny and he was holding a picture in his hand looking at it crying. I couldn't see what picture it was, but then when I crawled up next to him, I saw that it was a picture of him, ethan and me together. I asked him what he was thinking, and he said, "i must have !**@! up." I said, "no, you didn't do anything wrong, it was me...I was stupid." I layed there with him with my head on his chest and I tried to comfort him while he cried. I told him that I still loved him and how much I cared for him. The radio was playing and "iris" by the goo goo dolls came on and he sang it to me...Still crying. The only weird part about it all was earlier before I went over to his house to talk to him...He was at kara's house (his ex before me) and I actually drove up there to her house because I knew he was there. I had called him and asked him what he was doing and he said he was talking to some guy and I asked where he was and he told me, "up here near kara's house." so, he was honest and told me where he was. Nothing happened when I got there because his friend jamey came over and talked to me and my brother is friends with kara's brother and them two were talking. Kara was sitting in kenny's truck the whole time, she never got out or said anything to me. Kenny was talking to some guy when I pulled up at her house. I think the only reason I went up there to her house was because I just wanted to see if he really was there. I explained to him about how I thought that when we were together, I thought that he was still talking to her and he told me that when we were together he didn't talk to her because it was all about me. He said, "i might go see her now, but it's not like I want to be with her." I honestly think he's just lonely now and he knows that kara likes him...So he goes to her. I don't know what to do. I'm happy right now being single and not having to worry about the stress of a serious relationship, but at the same time i'm in love with kenny. I really do love him...I do. I love him. I believe that he really does care about me, because it's really not like him to cry...But at the same time, i'm kind of shady of the fact that he's seeing kara again. I went to his house tonight, knowing that he had just came from kara's house. When he started crying, I kissed him knowing that he had probably kissed just kissed kara 20 minutes earlier, but it didn't bother me because that's how much I love him. One day back when I was helping him move out, we were at his parent's house in his bedroom and I was sitting on his bed and he was standing up packing some of his stuff up and the song "she thinks she needs me" by andy griggs came on the radio and he said, "this is my song to you." every time I hear that song come on the radio now, I think of him saying that and my eyes always start getting watery. I don't know what to do. I'm in love with him, but i'm happy the way things are right now. Part of me wants to be with him more than anything, but then part of me wants to stay single and be away from the seriousness of a relationship like that. I dunno what to do.

I also found out that a week before we broke up, he had bought me a ring and was going to ask me to marry him.
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replied October 29th, 2004
Especially eHealthy
Oh wow. Well hun, you did what you had to do for yourself, but I really think kenny was a good guy for you........Wow.
I wish I knew what to say hun, but it's hard. Good luck in whichever way you chose to go. I love ya!
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replied October 29th, 2004
Extremely eHealthy
Omg thats a crazy story babe... Would you have said yes? If he did ask you?
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replied October 29th, 2004
Active User, very eHealthy
Yeah, I would have said yes. I honestly didn't think he cared about me that much to ask me to marry him. I guess that was proved wrong yesterday. I'm just really weird about the him talking to kara thing, because the whole time we were together he'd talk so bad about her and be like, "she needs to leave me alone" and now he's talking to her like they're dating or something. He told me on the phone today that now that he knew how I felt about him he'd just tell her to go on and leave him alone, but I don't think he will. I'm so confused. I'm in love with him, but I don't want to put up with kara's bullsh*t either. And now that she knows where his new house is, i'm sure she'll just randomly start appearing there. I hate her, I can't stand her....I never could. I've known her for a lot longer than kenny has and I know what kind of a person she is. I also know that she doesn't love kenny, at least not in the sense that I do. Not trying to cut her down or anything, but kenny deserves better. He has his faults and flaws just like everyone else, but he does deserve better than that. I guess I really screwed up. I'm not going to push anything with kenny...I'm going to see if he tries to get back together with me instead. If he is happy being around kara, then i'll leave him alone. I don't want to make it complicated for him, like it already is for me.
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replied October 29th, 2004
Extremely eHealthy
Could you like give him an ultamadium?
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replied October 29th, 2004
Experienced User
Nothings impossible darlin, just keep praying that things will look up for you. Whenever you go through hard times like that when you get through it things are supposed to be 10 times better for you!
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replied October 29th, 2004
Active User, very eHealthy
The really weird part about it all is the past 3 days, i've been in a really great mood and I haven't felt that way for a while. I miss kenny, but at the same time..I'm happy.
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