Medical Questions > Mental Health > Bipolar Relationships Forum

Bipolar Ex. Boyfriend Lost Feelings For Me Forunknown Reason (Page 2)


August 19th, 2010
I am the same age as Exwentlooney and identify, I had to call it off and then take time out. My emotions were almost paralysed, and went into a major depression. My male friends gave me the toughest support to get out of it and my female friends pushed confidence into me as well. My family have always been strong for me.

And I doubted myself so much as well as despised.

All this was 10 months ago - everyday somehow that person floats through my head.

I like what Danielv says about tacking names - whilst I would say I am slightly psychotic and will not let this be an excuse for any actions - and oh, I can be an extremely person up and down to be with.

Sorry if this doesn't make sense, but sometimes the best thing in life is to hold on to the ones that care for you, be aware of red flags and for those who want to keep running, let them go...if they want to hang around they will - unfortunately I am one of the 'keep running', and it gutters me, but if you are not sure then see it as a red flag.

All the best
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replied October 14th, 2010
Bipolar Confusion
My relationship with my bipolar boyfriend just ended after 19 months. I love him with all of my heart, but he did not have a clue as to what genuine friendship and unconditional love means. He said all the right things at first and we grew close quickly due to his insistence. In hindsight, I think it was his insecurity with me dating other people that caused him to push for a committed relationship. When I finally gave him my heart, he started becoming distant. There were so many "legitimate" excuses that I compromised to no end to meet his needs. He would push me away and then pull me back in. I spent countless hours, days, weeks researching the web for an explanation to his behavior. As soon as I thought I had a grip, he would do something else. He is on medication and has tried therapy (his therapist recently moved away and he has not found another one). I do not think the therapy helped much ... no cognitive therapy to help with the negative thought process, not sure if he dealt with the bipolar issues directly, and I think his therapist was depressed also (kind of like the blind leading the blind!). He does not drink or do drugs. He has a steady job, does not gamble or cheat, and is not physically abusive. I cannot imagine what the other people who have to deal with these other issues in addition to the bipolar episodes must feel. My heart goes out to you!

This situation has destroyed me and I have been through a lot in my life (abuse, custody fights, and another bipolar of marriage of 10 years!). I am 42 years old and most people are amazed at my strength, resilience, and ability to take the positive approach to life's obstacles ... but this time I am really, really struggling. I have only been clinically depressed once before (therapy but no medication) and this is the second time I have had to seek counseling. So far, I am trying to work through my feelings without medication especially after seeing how the medication has affected my ex. I know I will make it, but the pain in unbearable at the moment.

He finally said some unforgivable things last night. I am still in a state of shock and wonder if he really meant them. Of course, I have forgiven the unforgiveable many, many, many times before. It is unbelievable how people with bipolar disorder seem to always find the person who will forgive and continue to love no matter what it thrown in their path.

I am lucky in that I have three other men who have expressed an interest in dating me and are looking for a long-term commitment. I realize I should not date until I resolve my feelings from this relationship, but it is good to know there are other options. These men are stable in every way ... no drama, emotionally available, grounded, and willing to work hard on building a healthy relationship (I know this because I have known each of them through church for over a year and they are ready to find love based on principles similar to those discussed in the movie, Fireproof) ... but I have no feelings for them. Obviously, there is something wrong with me. The fact that I can't leave an unhealthy relationship for a healthy one confuses me to no end. Yes, I understand co-dependency, but shouldn't this knowledge push me in the right direction? I guess I am still hoping for that magical phone call or email that says I'm sorry, I didn't mean it, I realize you really love me and I really love you, and I want you in my life now and forever. Am I a fool?

I have a child to think about also. I realize I have to be strong and not let myself fall apart emotionally for a man who can love like hell one minute and then feel nothing the next. It has been hard to leave because he finds ways to keep me hanging on. Every so often, he will tell me he is thinking about me, or he misses me, or he will sign an email with words of love. He has told me that he waits for my calls and emails although he rarely, if ever, initiates contact with me when we are separated (now is this considered game playing?). He has used the excuse that he is no good for me and that I deserve better. Then he will turn the tables and tell me that he cannot be with me because of our differences (which were relatively minor until recently) and blame me for a laundry list of grievances that he did not bring up for months because he did not want to cause me stress (what does he think he is doing when I am slammed with all the things wrong with us at once?). He would say that good things do not happen for him and that our love is too good to be true that is scares him. Then, we have a small disagreement and he runs (closes down emotionally completely and then runs physically by no longer spending the night, etc.). I end up taking responsibility most of the time since I can see where we both were at fault and it is just what it is ... a disagreement. I guess I thought he was scared from his past relationships and if I showed him he could trust me to stick around no matter what then he eventually would stop running. At this point, he is sure we should not be together and I can no longer put myself out there anymore. I tried for the last time yesterday.

I have shared with him my research on bipolar, depression, anxiety, etc. At first he thought I was lecturing him, then he would thank me profusely stating that I was the only person in his life to help him understand, and last night he thinks I am rubbing the fact that he is bipolar in his face. I am skilled at non-defensive communication techniques and have made every effort to approach him with love and support, but he misinterprets all of my intentions no matter how careful I am. (As a sidenote, he also has many physical ailments and unexplained pains that I also help to research. He does not seem to mind this.) I cannot begin to understand how he has twisted everything around in his mind to bring us to the point where we are now.

We have been separated (again) for three weeks and I thought we were getting closer and then bam ... I said something, he took it the wrong way, and now thinks the worst of me. Of course, the trust issues we have been dealing with now have resurfaced with a vengeance. I usually would blame myself, examine everything I did for a clue as to where I went wrong, etc. but not anymore. I know it is him and not me. It has happened too many times before.

He cycles rapidly and usually has mixed states ... dysphoric mania. His behaviors are not extreme ... barely noticeable unless you are sensitive enough to notice a pattern and I am quite sensitive. This makes it worse in my opinion because it is hard to tell if he is actually cycling or just experiencing normal mood swings so I spend a lot of time guessing how to best handle the situation ... like can I reasonably approach him now or is it useless to try until he cycles back? The mixed states make everything more complicated as he can seem normal one minute, hyper the next, and then depressed all at once. I believe he is cycling because he is losing a lot of sleep due to an increase in his work load. Although he admits he may be cycling, he still believes his thought process is logical. He even stated that his black and white thinking is logical ... it is either this or that. I told him logical thinking is a process of taking facts and making an accurate conclusion ... not making a decision based on two choices with no room for grey areas. Am I wrong? Is it useless to talk to him at this point?

I would stand behind him through all of this and have told him this countless times as long as he stops running every time there is a problem and commits to coping with this issue and finding workable solutions together. He tries to stop running, but obviously without success. Oh well, I have made some final decisions that will bring up to the point of no return ... I am taking a job 1200 miles away. I had this option for a while (although I did not tell him about it because he would say not to give up my life for him), but did not accept it in the hopes that our relationship would work out. It is so sad to me because we were made for each in every other way ... compatible on all levels ... except he cannot or will not accept my love and offer to stand my his side. I just don't get as I would give my right arm and leg for that matter to have someone love me the way I have loved him. Do you think he will he ever realize what he had done to us or what he has lost?
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replied October 23rd, 2010
Experienced User
Yes! I see my boyfriend in every post here. Everything is just the same.
1) He has a lot of difficulty to express feelings, does not like to hold hands in public, cannot kiss.Otherwise sexually ok.
2)Keeps coming and going in our relationship, says he likes me and says he doesnt.
3) Can be extremely hurtful, but in about ten minutes will write an email saying absoloute lovely things
4) Likes to pick a fight for nothing and keeps going till I cry or we really fight, so he can say it is m\y fault.
5) Likes gambling and pornography
6)Can be a wonderful company and can really laugh and enjoy a good dinner out, however, if something is not to his liking in something i say, he will get in a bad mood and nothing will make hiim ok again. Next day he will have forgotten it all and wonder why I`m, still sad
7) Last time dropped me after a difficult time in his family and immediatelly got another woman
Cool Keeps telling me that she is nothing for him.
9) Told me that everything he said or did in 7 months relationship was a lie
10) Messed up my mind to the point that I didnt know if the fault of everything is mine or not.
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replied October 25th, 2010
Is this BPD?
So I am new to this forum, however, I am hoping someone may be able to shed some light on the events of this past week for me. I have been dating this really amazing person for the past three months and they have been in bad relationships in the past and also in the military. That is important to know because he had mentioned once or twice they had told him he had BPD. Up until recently we were doing really well and they never mentioned their military days or what they did really etc. So a few weeks ago we had our first fight and made up and that same week I was given an opportunity for work which required me to be away just durin the week which he was supportive about and agreed to help with anything at home I needed. Like I said amazing guy! Now i think its important to know all the facts, so here we go...
The first week I was gone he mentioned he had watched a movie about the military and the similar job he had and asked me to watch it bc it would explain a lot about him, so I did. Also before and while I was gone he had offered and wanted to move wtih me if the job took me to a different area, we talked about a future together, wanted the same things etc. We even talked about it the weekend before everything fell apart which is why i need answers. I went back to the area I had to for work and that very night something changed, all the sudden out of nowehere he couldnt do this anymore. He told me i would never understand about the military or what he went through, then he jumped to he wasnt sure what he wanted he was confused, then he had trust issues, then i just need to be alone this will happen again and i wont let it. Now he seems to be working a lot and I wonder if something at work set this in motion or if its my fault?

I went to talk to him afterwards and wanted more answers because nothing made sense when we seemed to be planning a future together, wanted the same things, the day before this happened he told me i would never lose him and he loved me and now this....he said he wants to be alone and will never be able to be with anyone and this is the total opposite of what ive heard for months. I am so confused and want to do the right thing and give him time and space and try to understand and I made sure to tell him i loved him and only him, and id wait, but is that the right thing to do or just let it go? Does this sound like BPD? I have no experience with this and since it feels like it came out of the blue I am beyond confused. How do you go from planning a life together and loving that person to i cant do this anymore and i dont want this within a day?
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replied October 29th, 2010
Hey, it does sound like your boyfriend is bipolar, and to be honest being in the military probably messed him up worse. I know how you are feeling and i am glad i found this because i was going crazy. I started dating my boyfriend about 4 months ago and i had known from the beginning that he is bipolar, but he refuses to take medications. His familly warned me and actually got mad when we started dating because they didnt want to see me get hurt. It was amazing for about 2 weeks and withing the first couple days he told me that he loved me. However i still remember our first fight. I dont remember what it was about but i remember he got mad at me because instead of sitting and crying and trying to fix it i went out with one of my friends to take my mind off it. Not to mention it did not take long for us to start fighting which made me want to run because it was so knew i was like is it even worth it? But for some reason i decided to stay with it and it only got worse. There definitely was those amazing times that i think of that makes it so upseting. But i started to realize he was manipulating me, and controlling me. One by one he didnt like my friends for stupid reasons, like maybe i vented about one, one day and he all of a sudden didnt like them ever, the list of people i was allowed to see got smaller and smaller. And every time we fought by the end he would twist it and the one tiny thing i did wrong in the fight, ex: i didnt give him space to cool down, it always ended up being my fight, and i would always apologize. Hes told me that he needs to break up with me and that im not getting it, im too immature and naive, ill never learn. Oh and he always threatens that he is going to take is ex back like that shes called and considering, which always ends up being a lie, i know he doesnt talk to her. but last night i found out in the beginning of the relationship he was telling his mother that he sees me as a pocession and just for sex and he will do whataver to control me. This confuses me because i dont know what is the truth, because there is night where he calls me repeatedly saying hes sorry and hes such a bad boyfriend and how much he needs me and he needs to marry me. And what happened to you recently happend to me. These past two weeks he has not been himself at all and all we have been doing is fighting, he tells me he is depressed and doesnt know why, but tells me it will get better and he will be good to me. Last night i had to break up with him, i told him if he doesnt get help i cant be with him and he hasnt responded, usually when we fight he blows up my phone with how much he needs me, i dont understand whats going on, do you think he just lied and never really loved me? i dont know if he is in a really depressed state i dont know... help? oh and im sorry for all the spelling errors, i cant even think right now
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replied October 30th, 2010
Experienced User
Brooke522.....I believe I know why you want to recieve that call.....to hear his voice.....to be in his life.....because you know how to love unconditionally with all your heart. I found myself in the same situation....loving someone with all my heart who is BP/Borderline Personality Disorder. I ended the relationship and refuse to communcate with her....it was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life because I love her so much.....but to keep my sanity....it had to be done. I will always love her but cannot be with her. BTW...it does get easier with time....
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replied November 5th, 2010
Experienced User
... the sharp reversal of his love...'as the post above says... this is really hurting me like mad, I had no inkling that he was going off in one of his BIPOLAR trips yet again. He used to love me and to say and do all a lovely boyfriend will say and do, now he is shunning me completely, going out with someone he doesnt like, according to himself, and all that happened in a matter of DAYS. I'm still bouncing off the wall for the shock and devastation, Im still waiting for that email or phone call telling me he is back...yet again.I'm a normal person that bonds and he isn't, he cannot really bond with me or anybody else, he's got e failled relationships behind him and still cannot understand that this is his ilneess, not the people he is with.BIPOLAR is taking my man away and I seem not to be able to help him.
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replied November 6th, 2010
Experienced User
Reggiane.....there was nothing I could do in my situation.....it took the love of my life away from me. It's a horrible feeling to have.....loosing the love of your life and there isn't anything you can do. One day at a time hon......
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replied November 8th, 2010
Experienced User
update=
Oh well, here we go again, or so it seems, just got an email from him saying he is still devastated by all what happened and needs time to get his head in order and we can be friends, all that they are so keen on. They all seem to want to be friends, since they cannot cope with anything more difficult and demanding than that. How can you be friends only with a person you went to bed with for many months and lived calling each other and emailing and going out together. At least he ackowledges that he needs to get his act in order.
I wrote back saying how sorry Im that he is still having problems and that I do admire his persistence and so forth, and Im here for him, but I think this time only to help if he does not get help.
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replied November 8th, 2010
Experienced User
Yes...they want to be friends when they have decided they want to end the relationship. I believe to them it's a safe way to keep that person in their life and to have that person to go back to when they want/need to. The person I was with told me I was her best friend on a few occasions...however she didn't quite treat me that way. I found it's best to distance myself to the point we have no communication at all. I won't let her into my life again.....after over 18 times of her dumping me and ripping my heart out of my chest.....it's enough for me. I am doing what is best for me without any regard for her. I have come to terms with the end of the relationship....not so much the pain.....but I have accepted this: I will never allow her in my life again in any capacity regardless of how I feel about her. I know it's a hard stance and it hurts me deeply to do such but from this point on I am doing what is best for me.
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replied November 8th, 2010
Experienced User
Chris, I admire you for that, I still cannot do that, I'm so glad he at least wrote an email, I really want to see him, to see how he is, but I have some idea for his email, he says, 'i'm still devastated by all that happened', so he is in a low still, I'm waiting for the high to see how it will be.I need to get help for him.I miss him terribly, I wonder if there is something about BP people that gives us those feelings of helplesness and anguish about getting them back, I have never felt this way for anybody and I was married before, but this man has taken my heart completely, I'm a goner, I didnt want that to be, I know it is only problems, nothing eles, I dont even know if he will be back this time, and for how long, oh the misery of it all. I think you are right, Chris, I wish I could do the same.
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replied November 8th, 2010
Experienced User
Reggiane.....I felt and still do feel the same way in regards to loving the person. I will always love her with all my heart....but it doesn't mean she can be in my life. She took my heart and I fell deeply in love with her. As you mentioned....I to never felt this way towards another peron in my life. I was willing to give up everything I knew just to be with her. I am still reeling from it all....and it's been over a year since I heard from her (I changed my phone number and took other measures to prevent the contact from occuring). However my feelings are the same they were the day I fell for her. I tend to think that you're on to something when you said, "I wonder if there is something about BP people that gives us those feelings of helplesness and anguish about getting them back". I still think of her however I occupy my mind with other thoughts when it occurs. It's going to take time but time does heal all things and as time marches on the thoughts about her is slowly becoming less. All I wanted was to love and to receive love....to have someone beside me till death do us part....to have my best friend as my lover and wife.....that's all I wanted....nothing more nothing less. All I received was heart ache on a regular basis....that's not what I wanted nor want.....and you too don't deserve it either.
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replied November 14th, 2010
Experienced User
Excrutianting painful behaviour from the BP ex. Phoned even my dads house after me, wanted to go out again, was nice and happy over the phone, in the evening was so dawn that closed the phone on me and did not want to see me, next day threw me out of the pub where he woks and threatened me with the police.( I did not more than smile at him)

Enough.
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replied November 14th, 2010
Experienced User
DO yourself a favor.....stay away from him and cut all ties. I had to do the same thing....not easy but for your safety and mental health get away from this person.
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replied November 15th, 2010
Bipolar Withdrawal
Chrisb009,
Thank you for replying to my post. You are correct in how I am feeling ... I want to hear his voice and believe in what we had. You are also correct in what I should be doing ...this is no way to live. Of course, what I feel and what I should be doing are polar opposites and obviously causing me a lot of turmoil. If he would remain committed instead of running for whatever reason, I would stand by his side and work through whatever issues we might have to face together. This is unconditional love ... something most people want in their lives ... except people who have bipolar. If they do want it, they have a strange way of showing it.

I read somewhere that it is impossible to make sense of bipolar behavior. I think that is where I am failing myself ... I keep searching for an explanation and for the magical answer to make it all better. There is none ... plain and simple. The quicker we learn this, the better off we will all be.

A quick update as a lot has happened since my original post ... yes, he came back ... yes, we were wonderful again ... yes, I was hopeful … yes, he left again … and yes, I am devastated once again. The pain doesn’t lessen with each breakup … you would think it would, but it doesn’t. To make matters worse, I just lost my best friend so the person I usually turn to is no longer there for me. Moreover, it is close to Thanksgiving ... my ex and I had plans to spend it together, but no longer ... I find myself falling into depression which is not normal for me ... believe it or not, I was extremely well-adjusted before I met this person. Now I am struggling to maintain my own sanity.

Reggiane,
I feel for you and everyone else who has had to deal with this crazy-making behavior. Our feelings are a constant while our boyfriends and girlfriends profess to love us one minute and then withdrawal from us the next minute. One minute we are planning a future and the next minute we are trying to cope with losing the love of our lives. No one can deal with this without eventually losing it ... no one.


Missinyou1,
You wrote, "How do you go from planning a life together and loving that person to i cant do this anymore and i dont want this within a day?" I have asked myself this question countless times over the past 16 months (out of a 20 month relationship). I have no idea, but it is obviously a common trend with those suffering from bipolar and their loved ones. I know you are new to this, but if you continue to research this topic, you will find website after website with the same basic story. The details change, but the pain and the aftermath are the same for anyone who has been through “bipolar withdrawal.” In the beginning, I would read posts that would tell me to run, but I would think, “No, I can’t do that. My situation is different and with enough love and understanding, he will learn to trust me. We will make it work and build a wonderful relationship together." Let me tell you ... the chances of this happening are almost non-existent (if his diagnosis of bipolar is correct … there is the possibility he is running for other reasons, but I seriously doubt this since I tried to convince myself that my ex was running due to the damage from his past relationships … not true … it is his bipolar thought process that caused him to bail). I realize no matter what I say, you will most likely follow your heart (as I did over and over again). If you do, be sure to have a solid support system because you will need it. I do wish you the best and hope that for you things will be different.
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replied November 15th, 2010
To all of us who are suffering ...

The Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
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replied November 20th, 2010
good on you..never look back...
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replied November 21st, 2010
Experienced User
He just looked into my eyes
and his vacant look told me all
He was going, yet again,
a shell of the loving man I used to hold
kepping himself away
cold, so cold, he did not see
my heart dying yet again
inside me

So he went and the silence fell
there was no more his voice
over the phone
saying 'my love, I miss you'
And I died so many times over the days
the hours and the minutes of the emptiness
of his disappearance
Till one day, there he was,
his voice again,
his cycle having changed, he resurfaced
he was back in my life
Yet again.

ah, but I know.
Bipolar will take him away
Just wait, it says , just wait,
One morning he will get up and give up
and look at you with his vacant eyes
turn his back to you and embrace
ME, his best friend, BIPOLAR
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replied February 4th, 2011
Bipolar Ex
Oh...these stories sound so familiar. However, my other half has never admitted to being bipolar. But reading these posts have lead me to believe that he is. I am in this situation right now. I had been with him for eight months and we broke up...for one his ex dont want me to be around when he is with their child on his time; his parents don't accept me because I am of a different race; and he asked me to go to go to Vegas with his employees and cancelled and brought his ex and child instead. I decided to break off with him. After three months he found someone else and dated her for two. After six months, he calls me and we start dating again. We've been dating for two months, and now je says he has no feelings for me and it was just the sex. He said its not fair to me and that I should start dating other people because he doesnt know what he wants.

I was devastated! I told him not to call me again. I still love him...I just don't know what to do...whether to pursue, hold on and wait, or move on.
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replied May 31st, 2011
BIO Polar Ex
Wow, as I am reading these post it clearly demonstrates to me what I've gone through for 4 years with my ex. Being in a relationship with him was a circus. He would make it seem like it was me! He would always text other women and he also worked at a Bar. What was so hurtful to me is that he truly beleived this was normal behavior to still text your old flames constantly, I had enough! We ended our relationship, although I do miss him, I realize that it was meant for me not to be with me no matter how much he showered me from time to time, but than the next minute, we be so emotionally unavailable. He also has a twin, I am so glad I don't have to deal with her anymore, she was so jealous and envy of our relationship and he could not see it, it was amazing. I come to realize that I am better off for my own sanity and my child. I truly feel sorry for anyone who dates him they are in for a big circus and rollcoster every other two months!!!
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