Medical Questions > Mental Health > Bipolar Relationships Forum

Bipolar Ex. Boyfriend Lost Feelings For Me Forunknown Reason (Page 1)

Hi, my name is karissa and I am 17 years old.
My boyfriend of 5 months recently told me that he wanted to break up because we "fought too much" but I actually found out the real reason that he wanted to. He told me that he all the sudden lost his feelings for me for no reason, and he can't figure out why. We were in a serious relationship and he was deeply in love with me as I was (and still am) with him. I can't explain how hurt I was about this until I found out that he has bipolar disorder. His ex. Girlfriend told me that she went through the same process and he eventually came crawling back to her after she went through a horrible of the break-up with him. Could his "unknown lost feelings for me" be playing a huge part in his "bipolar disorder"? Is this a common relationship problem that most bipolar people go through? Please help. Crying or Very sad
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First Helper MikesLady
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replied September 10th, 2004
Hey karissa,

i'm so sorry to hear about what's happened to you recently. I do understand how you feel. I definitely would say this has to do with the bipolar disorder, as i've gone through the exact same thing these past few weeks--and my boyfriend also has bipolar disorder as well. It is so painful to trust someone that much, and have them express such heart felt feelings for you, to do a 360 and all of a sudden claim they have no feelings whatsoever. It goes against all logic to our rational minds.


My boyfriend and I knew each other for about a year, and had seriously been dating for over four months. It was a fairytale relationship--i was so happy with him, and just loved being with him--he seemed so kind hearted and senstive to me. Every so often in the relationship, out of nowhere, he would become very depressed, moody, and push me away. He would tell me he had "two personalities"--one good, one bad. When he'd become the "bad" personality, he would want to break up with me, and claimed that everything he told me about loving me and wanting to be with me was a lie--that he was going through the motions. I would become so hurt, because I put so much trust in him...But I would try to explain how it was his bipolar disorder, and then give him his space. Within a few days, he would usually come back, manic again, telling me how much he loved me and how I was the best girlfriend ever, and wondered why I was with him.


I just came home from a vacation, and upon arrival, my boyfriend was wonderful. He was so excited to see me, and threw me a mini party. He took me out to see his relatives. A few days later, I told him I was concerned that he wouldn't love me if I didn't convert to his religion, which would be conditional, and he agreed, and said it was for the best we didn't go out, and left. I was devistated. This is the same man that said he would marry me, have kids with me--be with me for all time and eternity. The same man that said I had opened his heart--the amount of affection and love he showed to me just did not correspond to the coldness and abruptness of his ending the relationship.


We met a few days later for my birthday, and he again started talking about how much he loved me...But then would say, "it's too bad we can't go out!" it just didn't make sense to me.


Then, merely a few days later, he was already inviting girls to his place--he said he was trying to forget me. It's like, he just changed his whole life again. I met with him to get my stuff back, and he acted as if we were dating again. He was hugging me...Showering me with affection...Talking about how much he missed me. He ditched his "dates" back at the house to spend the evening with me, laying down in the park, telling me how wonderful he thinks I am.


Then, the next day, he wrote me an email telling me that he did not want to see me anymore, and that in reality, it's because he never found me attractive, and he has a "shallow" foundation, and needs to be with someone more attractive than me. He then went on to tell me how he's been fantasizing about other women, comparing me unfavorably to them. He said although he loves me, love is not enough...And therefore, he doesn't want to see me anymore. He claimed he used me, because I could help him get where he wanted to be in life. He claimed that he never liked me at all. He claims he never had feelings for me...But grew to love the person I was...But he also insisted he does not have feelings. He's never had human feelings. He also claimed that he just wanted to try out a relationship with me, to go through the motions, and figure out what this love thing is people talk about--he wants to be able to feel.


I was devistated!


Within a few days, he became suicidally depressed again. I've gotten numerous emails, at first stating how sorry he was--that he feels horrible for hurting me, but he can't help the fact that i'm unattractive.


Now, his emails are praising me, telling me how wonderful I am, how nobody will ever compare to me, how he does find me attractive, how he misses me. He writes me poetry. He tells me he loves me.

He goes from one extreme to the other--at one moment, he has no feelings. At another, he seems to be so full of emotion--he cries, he loves, he creates beautiful artwork. He is so wonderful.


It's hard to realize that these men are both people they present. I for so long wondered if the good man was the lie, and the bad one was the real personality. Or if the bad one was the lie, and the good person was just trying to push me away. The truth is, our boyfriends are who they are in any moment in time--sometimes they are the personality without feelings...The one who cannot love any person, no matter how hard they try. At other times, they do love us...And probably feel more love for us than we can ever imagine. They justify their depressed feelings by making up excuses as to why they don't love us anymore. The truth is, these feelings have nothing to do with us. They are internal feelings they are feeling, and they try to place them on an external situation. Seeing that we are most likely the closest people to them, they someone think we are to blame for their horrible feelings, and try to push us away as a way to rid themselves of their pain.


I think it's a pretty interesting sign to see how your boyfriend's past relationships went. My boyfriend mentioned to me that he could never keep a relationship longer than a few weeks before dating me. I'm the only one that's been patient enough to keep putting up with these episodes. He says he has a pattern of being attracted to a girl...Getting very close, then suddenly seeing them as ugly, and leaving them. With me, he said he never was drawn to me at all...I don't know how true it is. Everything he said and did in the beginning of the relationship says this is a lie (i never persued him...So if he wasn't drawn to me, I don't know how on earth the relationship started!).


But yea, hang in there. I'm holding on to the belief that deep down, we will be ok without them. We have an inherent core that cannot be tarnished by our relationships, no matter how hurtful. We will be ok on our own. If our boyfriends get help though, and learn to manage their problem, and then want to try again, I would be open to that as well. But, right now, they are very, very ill, and need help...There is nothing we can do for them, but be supportive, but also be supportive of ourselves in the meantime as well.


Hang in there, karissa,

katrina65
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Users who thank Katrina65 for this post: Exwentlooney 

replied September 11th, 2004
I Can't Say Thank You Enough..
Katrina. You're a sweetheart! Thank you so much for sharing your life story with me, it has helped me greatly. I'm so sorry about what you had to go through..But I know we can do it just like you said! I cannot thank you enough for what you have just shared with me and how you helped me. I don't even know you but you are a wonderful person. Do you have msn messenger? If so, maybe we could chat sometime. It's nice having a friend who shares the same problems as you. Thank you so much.. :d
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replied September 13th, 2004
More Help
Today I gave him a harsh note telling him all of the things he's done to me and "thanks a lot" for each of them. He wrote a note back to me and stuck it on my car after class. I read it and he said that theres no way that I am his rebound because he could have never gone out with me for 5 months, kissed me 3 weeks after we were going out, and been pysically sick to his stomach each time he thought about breaking up with me. Then why did he do it!? I am so confused....He said that his relationship with katie was on many levels and even he doesn't understand it.And probably not her either. Hopefully he will call me tonight at 4 like he said...But please write your responses on this one!!!
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replied September 13th, 2004
Hey again, karissa!

I sent you an email:)
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replied October 3rd, 2004
Experienced User
I'm offended at the way you treated them. I have the same problems as your boyfriends here and i'm a girl. I've never been diagnosed with bi-polar but I have had just about ever kind of epilepsy you can think of, so I wouldn't be suprised if I do. Now we may have times where we say act or believe we do not or could not love somone. But this because we are confused. Being a male would make it ten times worse. Because men are told to deny their emotions. But they arn't really that much different than you. People in relationships have little problems weather it be religion the way they eat their food or grind their teeth, and things you absolutely adore like the way their hands move when their talking or the way they smell. With most people you identify both the faults and qualities ast the same time. But with people like your boyfriends you see the faults at once and the qualities at once. Nevertheless they still love you. The pressure society put on us makes us more violent because we relise we are not normal and that having these feelings is not normal. But you can hurt us too. Do you relise what it feels like to love somone so much and yet you get dumped because you suposedly hate them? Or do you know what it feels like to love somone so deeply it hurts and you stuggle between loving the pain and wishing it would go away? Do you know what it's like to be so obsessed with somone and then to relise they don't care about you not even half as much ? Please don't be so ignorant. We may say we have no feelings, but that's because we wish we didn't sometimes. It's not easy on a concience to know you love somone and hate them as well. Don't just give up. You'll only make them worse later on down the track. Iim 18 now, the person I love doesn't talk to me, because I made a giant conspiracy to prove I didn't love him. The fact is i'm scared and i'm trying to save myself from getting more hurt. I have a different problem though, coz we are both bi-polar.
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replied October 5th, 2004
Zsdf
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replied October 5th, 2004
Hi whoever you are. I'm sorry that you are offended by my opinions, but people are going to disagree with things because that's the way life is. I understand that for you, being bipolar is hard, and that's why you need help. I know that sounds harsh, but the truth hurts sometimes, for example, I wasn't exactly "happy" when I found out that I needed to go to the doctor for my depression last year.
I don't think you read my posting good enough. Well he was the one who broke up with me. I don't want to get back together with him again because I can't stand being in a relationship with a man who is bipolar who says he loves me one minute and then totally denies it the next. There are many more people out there in the world to find. I have just found out some really bad things about him, such as that one of the reasons he wanted to break up with me was because "i didn't give him any." there are many other things that are bad about him other than that he's bipolar. So i'm sorry that i'm "being mean" to my ex; that doesn't mean that i'm "being mean" to you also. Everyone is different and i'm talking about him, not you, so please don't criticize me. By the way, i'm over him now. :d
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replied October 10th, 2004
Experienced User
Ok I understand I bit more now. I couldn't really grasp the level of your relationship from your first post. I thought you two were a little more serious. I guess I was wrong. He'll find somone who is committed enough to work through it. Somone that feels equal to him. Good luck finding a new man. I mean nothing bad when I say "he'll find somone committed enough" there is nothing lesser about you. People need people with the same connection that's all. Keep in mind that even though he might have done some bad things does not mean he's not worthy of finding somone to love. Someday everyone has to die, and no one should die alone. I know this might seem a little hevy for somone who is still 17. But just keep in mind that wether or not you still like him or he likes you. The fact things finished badly with unfinished business might have implications of his relationships in the future. I'm always weary about making situations worse for others down the track.
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replied November 27th, 2004
My Ex Might Be Too
Hello, im 34,my ex is 28. She just broke up with me. And im devastated,i cant eat cant sleep..Lost my job trying to fix this. She told me we fought too much,and said she dont need a man. Well its been 2 weeks that we broke up,and last night I found out she met a guy a week ago,and shes dating him. I called her and asked what was going on and she said it just happened. She has been really moody this summer, and starting in august she would sit and cry for no reason one minute,laugh like hell the next. I asked her what our problems were so we can fix it. She said she doesnt know what our problems are but she just cant handle things right now. The bad part is I want her back so bad, but now that she was with this other man I dont think I could if she would want me back. Imhaving such a hard time moving on. Shes all I ever wanted. What do I do now?
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replied September 29th, 2008
same here
Not even 1 year into marriage and he loves me one day/week and then not the next. He will take one little thing i do and scream at me and call me horrible names and not love me anymore/wanting me out or divorce. After I cry and be depressed then he acts like he loves me again. I don't know how long i can take it. I truly believe he is manic when he does this. It is like he is in such pain and wants me to hurt to.
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replied September 29th, 2008
Advanced Support Team
people often tack names onto their antisocial behaviours so they don't have to take ownership of their crap. it's not about what "made him" do it... nothing made him do it except for himself.

if you really care for him, i would not advise you to try to win him back by proving what a jerk he was. just express your feelings, and if he is for real, he will feel it, if not, move on.
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replied January 19th, 2010
Hi, I've had a really tough time the past 2 months and I'm in DESPERATE need of advice.....
Hi, firstly this forum has helped me a lot and made me realize that I am not isolated in this.
Basically my boyfriend has been acting really out of character recently. He's just been ignoring me and has distanced himself so so much. Last night I got a call from his friend Asking if i'd heard from him (i hadnt for
days...)as no one has seen him that day and he'd skipped lectures which is totally unlike him. His friend thought therewould just be a logical explanation, but I
knew there was somethhing more going on.... Went out
looking for him, after about an hour his housemate
called to says they'd managed to get into his room. He'd locked himself in there and had been passed out asleep. I was relieved but knew something was not right still. I went round to see him, but he barely reacted to me. I was pretty upset... He eventually told me that he thinks he may have bipolar... I tried to talk to him but I just couldn't get through... The best way I can describe it is that it wasn't him any ore, just a shell... He said that he's not been feeling right for months now but has just been hiding it and trying to cover it up.... Looking back I should of picked up on it sooner. He also said that it's been happening for quite a few years but he had never mentioned it to anyone before... I mentioned trying to get help but he just point blank refused. He said he would not talk to anyone. I tried telling him that it's not his fault and he can't deal with it on his own but he just won't listen... From doing some research I'm pretty sure he has bipolar2 . When I met him 8 months ago I think he was in the hyper mania stage.... He was so happy and active and we had an amazing amazing time together. At the moment he's barely even a shadow of the guy he was.... I really want to help him, I love him like crazy but he just completly shuts me out... I don't know if he was ignoring me because I was getting too close.... I really don't know what to do I'd think and I'm pretty emotionally exhausted right now.... Today all he has said to me is that he needs time to think, he doesn't know what he wants or where he wants to be.... I really don't know if he wants to see/hear from me? The last thing I want to do is make it any worse for him. I really don't know if I should go see him or not? Could this have a bad effect on him?
He's going home for Xmas in a few days and I won't see him for nearly a month... I really do not know what to do.... When I saw him yesterday he barely recognized me...
The best way I can describe it is that I have lost him... He's gone. It's a completely different person now.... I

I gave my bf all the space he asked for over christmas. Was really supportive and did absoloutley everything I could of.... and I've just found out hes got a new girlfriend.... I'm devastated...... He hasn't even spoke to me! He promised me wed talk again in January but I haven't heard a word so I thought it would be best to give him the space he said he needed and wait for hi to come to me but now Im just.... so angry and upset and I just don't understand. I'm going to have to see him on Friday for a professional meeting and its going to be so hard.... I just cant believe what has happened!!!! I miss hi so much and have gone through so much for him and he wont even acknowledge me anymore. The only thing I can think of is that hes still in denial about his bipolar and is trying to cover it up...... PLEASE PLEASE HELP!!!!! I really need some advice....
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replied January 27th, 2010
Hi Everyone,
I too have been in a similar situation to all of you. I have been with my partner for 11 years (4 years diagnoised bp). He has left saying that he feels nothing for me, does not love me etc, etc. You all know the story.

He is currently medicated and after some research and talking to professionals I discovered that some medications make them feel "flat, empty inside, no emotions etc."If this is your case then they made need a med change. Being stable is not enough. They need to be able to have feelings and emotions to function and lead a healthy life.

Don't take any of this personally (hard to do I know). You simply cannot win when they are in this state of mind (manic or depressed). You need to be supportive and loving but that is it. That is all they can handle. They cannot handle relationships when they feel this way. We have to be patient and wait until they are stable. Do not enable them!!!!!!!

I know this is heart breaking for all of us, the person you love is suddenly taken from you with no warning at all. You see them physically, but mentally and emotionally they are a different person. Make sure YOU surround yourself with support, because trust me, you are going to need it!
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replied April 17th, 2010
Understanding makes life easier...
I am so happy I found this forum. Every post I just read sounds so familiar to me. I am in a relationship with a man who has BP 2. Today he told my best friend that he doesn''t want to be in a relationship with me and she was devistated. I have been with him for about 5 months now, off and on (you know) and have heard all of that before. She was afraid to tell me for fear I would fall apart. She was shocked when I told her "this is a phase" I have heard this all before. He always comes back as charming as ever. (and believe me he is very charming and lovable when he is in his manic phase). I only discovered these forums in the past couple of days and Thank God I found you lovely people who share these amazing stories. I truly love this man (have known as a friend for several years recently became romantic). I don''t plan to give up on him. In the past his relationships crumbled after 2 to 3 weeks because the girlfriends didnt know why he would "turn off" and took it personally and thought he was a jerk.. That didn''t happen with me because I knew he wasn''t a jerk because of our prior connection. I just want to thank you again for posting such painful stories. My story was very painful until I started educating myself as to what I was up against. I could not make sense of any of it until I started reading and learning. The stories are all so similar. I felt like a weight had been lifted off of me because I had tried for months to "figure" him out. I know now and it definitely makes life easier knowing he will be back eventually.
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Users who thank mymy for this post: karama 

replied May 3rd, 2010
So my boyfriend (well now ex-boyfriend) and I have been together for about a year. We both broke up with our boyfriend/girlfriend to be together and got so much crap for it. But we were happy together. Atfer about 5 months he broke up with me saying he didn''t really feel the same way about me anymore. I was so hurt. I felt we put so much effort to be together for him to just throw it away. I badgered him with texts asking and begging for him back. And after two weeks I left him alone and he came back saying he loved me and wanted to be with me. Of course I couldn''t say no. I had no idea this might be because of his bipolar disorder. Now about 4 months later again he is doing the same thing. He says we will never get back together again (he said that last time) and that he hasnt wanted to be with me for a few weeks. I took it hard when he broke up with me, but now (the next day) I don''t feel as hurt as I did before. Maybe it''s because I have hope that he will come back, but maybe it''s because I haven''t seen him all day. I want to get him back but im afraid that giving him his space will push him away Sad HELP!!! What do I do? I want him back!! Sad But I don''t want to go through this in another 3-4 months.
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replied May 4th, 2010
I am in the exact same boat you are right now wemmiepooh. Mine has done this to me before and its happened again about 4 days ago. I have such extreme anxiety wondering if today is the day he will come back. Or if he's found someone else...It would really be nice to have someone to talk to about this who'S going through it the same time I am. Please PM me if you feel comfortable doing so..I think we could both benefit from talking about this.Smile
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replied June 3rd, 2010
Hi, I have been on/off with my I don't really like to label him as ex, for about 5 years. Right now we are going through a rough patch. He hasn't actually been diagnosed bipolar, but his sister who happens to be my best friend had been diagnosed about 2 years back. I have learned a lot about it through her. She to believes he is bipolar.
I am confused on how he feels about me. She tells me he loves me but is sick. He and I happen to be really close friends. My choice. I am not the type of person to turn my back on someone. Anyway, we recently got into an argument which then turned into relationship talk. This was on AIM btw. He recently talked to a friend of his who put the idea of codependency in his head. I admit the first 2 years of our friendship/relationship yes, we were. But now, after all that I have been through, I have learned to keep my distance when he wants space.

After that being said he continued to write,"what if i were to date someone else?"
My response was,"what if I were to date someone else?"
He didn't respond for a while.
He continues write that he isn't willing to commit but he doesn't want to feel jealousy.

He then continues to write that he is mentally ill in 1,000 ways. He doesn't feel anything.

I'm all distraught. We have been though this before. Even though I don't believe him, not feeling anything for me, I'm thinking maybe he doesn't.

They are cycles. I love him soo much. But I need someone to talk to who is going through this as well.

I do believe in my heart he absolutely does love me.

He has never been able to commit to any girlfriend.
He has major issues with trusting women.
His first love cheated on him.
And his mother didn't protect him while his father was extremely abusive towards him.

I happen to be the only close person in his life.
I think maybe he is afraid to lose me if we were to date and break up again.

I don't know.

help!
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replied August 4th, 2010
He is not communicating. Shut down. Had a death in the family.
This forum is a sanity saver. I've been dating diagnosed bipolar long distance for only 6 weeks. I caught him in a few lies. He is separated, but not divorced. He moved out of his wife's house around the time he met me on Eharmony. They have some twisted hate relationship, and she texts him constantly.

He broke up with me when I discovered his deception, blaming me for going through his phone. Well, I had my suspicions, and I needed to know.

I, too, texted and begged long distance. One day, he talked. The next, he was "out with friends." Has he already found someone else?

I flew in to visit him in Miami on the way to Costa Rica. His grandfather died the night before, so he agreed to pick me up in lauderdale and drop me at the miami airport. We had not seen each other in ovber two weeks. We kissed, etc. He declared how he missed and loved me, and then left for his family's house. He became distant on the phone last night after he left. When I asked when we were going to see each other, he got upset and said I was pressuring him and that he didn't want to blow up and say somethiung bad.

He said he would call me later. Once again, he never did. So, I left the countryu, not hearing from him.

Should I try to see him on the way back? I plan to have no contact for the week I am here.

I am emotionally drained. When I asked him about being bipolar, he said he tooks meds, and it was under control. So, is he just a major jerk?

I really need advice. I am always walking on eggshells, afraid to say something seemingly harmless set him off.

Thank you
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replied August 14th, 2010
Karissa I am a 40 year old tough guy and had the same thing happen. I bawled crying for months and fell in to a long depression. I thought I was bi polar and crazy. This sight has helped pull me out of it. Its not your fault and he will try to make you think it is. Katrina explains it perfect. The sharp reversal of his love can be psycologically dammaging to you. Dont try to understand it. It will drive you insane. He is very sick and you cannot save him. It sucks but you will heal and he will keep doing this forever. No matter how you feel. The truth is you are a big winner. Good luck.
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