Medical Questions > Relationships > Troubled and Abusive Relationships Forum

He Wants Kids. I Don't. What Can I Do?

Here's the scoop: my boyfriend and I are deeply in love, and I would love to spend my life with him, get married, etc.

But there is a big issue that is keeping my decision on hiatus: he desperately wants to have a child, while I desperately do not.

He says he has dreamt of marrying the girl he loves and having a baby with her since he was 7. That's over ten years for him. I don't want to destroy his dream.

The thing with me is I absolutely hate kids. I have been around them and baby-sat (not by choice) for my aunt a few times, and I have zero patience with children. I also know I get depressed very easily; the mere thought of being pregnant gets me down, but I get out of my "funk" after about a day. But actually being pregnant doesn't go away. I know how unstable I can be when I get morbidly depressed, and i'm afraid I might try to hurt or even kill myself either during my pregnancy or after birthing the child. I wouldn't want to hurt my boyfriend like that or leave him to care for an infant on his own. I would be upset knowing i'd be bringing a life into the world that I wouldn't care for, and I wouldn't want to take my despair out on the child; I wouldn't want to neglect the baby just because I didn't want it around. No creature, human or not, deserves that.

I'm not very feeling toward children, and I know I would make a terrible parent. The bottom line is that I would do that child more harm than good by giving it life.

I've told my boyfriend how I feel. Sometimes he says he accepts my decision and that he will love me even if I can't bear him a child, but other times, I think he purposely tries to make me feel guilty by saying he's dreamt about having kids for so long and his whole family wants him to have one and how he wants to pass on his bloodlines and his name (he is "joe ii" and he wants to try for "joe iii"), and all that mess. And I do feel very guilty, knowing I might deprive him of something he wants so badly.

Forgive my french, but the kick in the ass is this: he told me he does not like kids, but he still wants them. What do you make of that?!

Many times he has contemplated breaking up because of such an issue, but afterwards he would tell me he just loves me too much to let me go because of it. I've thought the same thing, and also made the same decision. I can't describe with words alone how deeply in love we are.

Am I being selfish for not wanting to give him children? Should I just go against my will and give in, sacrificing my happiness and probably my sanity as well? If not, how can I approach this problem without losing this boy I love?

Please no one tell me to leave him - I couldn't bear to tell him goodbye; he means the world to me and I don't want to lose him because of this.

.......................

Scaredbaka - wishes she was more competent
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replied August 4th, 2004
Extremely eHealthy
Oh honey, what are you doing with this toad?He doesn't like children but still wants them??There are enough screwed up kids in this world,don't add to the pile!!What exactly do you love about this guy?It sounds like this would be a huge disaster.You do not want kids,he does.You are both very young and there is lots of time to find a partner that would be right for each of you.Dating is one thing ,marriage another.If you can't agree on this issue,it is a huge one.If one of you compromises,the other will have regrets.
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replied August 4th, 2004
Experienced User
I know i've really made my boyfriend sound like a creep, but he truly is an amazing individual. We have almost everything in common (except a few things which you probably already know from reading this post and my other one). He does take my feelings into consideration, i.E., if he wants to put his hand(s) somewhere questionable, he'll ask me if it's okay for him to touch there. He's never hurt or abused me, threatened anything on me or my family, humiliated me, nothing. Though I did give a rotten description of him, he is a very compassionate person.

Part of me hopes we'll get married but part of me also hopes he'll find someone when he goes to college and leave me. I do love him very much, and I know he loves me. I try my best to make him happy without hurting myself.

Oh well...I suppose i'll just wait until the future gets here before I start deciding what to do about it. But thanks for your advice, pattyv. I appreciate your help.

...................

Scaredbaka
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replied August 19th, 2004
Experienced User
Adopt Joe the 3rd, Jeesh
After reading your message. You know what kids are. They are a job. You are one of the few that say 'i dont want that job'. So tell your boyfreind to go to the adoption agency and get that job. It will be joe the 3rd. And he can take care of it.
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replied August 19th, 2004
Experienced User
phil dennison wrote:
so tell your boyfreind to go to the adoption agency and get that job.


i wouldn't mind adopting...I'd like to adopt a child that is past its stages of infancy (which is the time I don't think i'd survive through). I would also rather give a child a home that otherwise might not get one rather than bring more children into the world and take that chance of a home away from a child without one.

But sadly, joe has made it clear that he wants a biological child - related by blood - and not someone else's because they didn't want it.

............

Funny enough, we just argued about this last night; he always says he wants kids, and that statement is always followed by "...Because my whole family wants me to have one" or "...Because my dad wants a grandchild"

i know his father has undergone many surgeries, and joe isn't sure how long his dad will be around, so he wants to get married and make a baby the second I get out of college just to be sure his dad can see a grandchild.

He and his dad share a strong bond, stronger than with any other family member, but his dad will not stop loving him if he doesn't have children.

To be perfectly honest, I don't think that joe is even thinking for himself; his family has been feeding him that line of bs, telling him they want grandchildren (he's an only child) for years upon years, and now that it's been hammered into his skull, he's convinced he needs to have a child. I don't think he's even thinking about how much work they are - he just wants to have a child. He figures his mother will take care of it for us. (yeah right!)

........

I do love joe very deeply, but this continuous argument is getting old. I think that a separation is now inevitable between us, but i'm waiting until he's more emotionally stable before telling him. It would probably be the best for both of us to separate; that way he can find some other girl to knock up, and I can live alone happily.

He has told me that he wanted to try and find a suitable future wife in high school so he wouldn't have to look for one when he's older and so he could marry young. I'm sorry, but I think that's downright lazy.

Apparently, he must think that i'm going to submit to him and suffer just so he can be happy...Because if he had no hope of me ever changing my mind, he would have left me. He tells me that his love for me is so powerful that he just couldn't leave me even though we disagree on this huge issue.

He always tells me he loves me more than life itself, but sometimes I wonder what he loves more: me, or his dream of having kids.

.............

I'm sorry, but soon he is going to have to decide which of those two he loves more.

And if i'm going to make a sacrifice for him, he damn well better make one for me; i'm not throwing my life away and letting him get away scot-free.

........

Now here's something I wonder...What if one of us was infertile? He says he doesn't want a "freak baby", meaning not one where the egg and sperm are mixed in a petri dish, or through artificial insemination. He wants to conceive the old-fashioned way. So I suppose if I want to be really underhanded, I can hope and pray for infertility, or attempt to make myself so. O.O

......

I thank you all for your advice, though. I need all the help I can get in this situation.

....

Scaredbaka - is steadily losing patience with joe
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replied August 19th, 2004
Extremely eHealthy
Okay first of all your boyfriend is 17 and wants kids? I don't freakin think so.

I didn't read your whole post because I didn't need to. The bottom line is this. You don't want kids, don't have kids. It is as simple as that! Too many people (women and men) who don't want kids give in and have them and then are miserable. It isn't like buying a kind of cereal that you don't like but your boyfriend does. We are talking about a life here.
If you two cannot agree on this issue then you will not end up together for good which may stink, but kids are a big thing. A lot of relationships end over this issue. I don't want children. Therefore if I end up falling in love with someone who does, and won't budge then we cannot be together. I am not giving in because it wouldn't be fair to the child, and I wouldn't expect him to give in because it wouldn't be fair to him.
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replied August 19th, 2004
Having a Child!!
Before reading this post I also read another post about your boyfriend being possessive and he molested his stepsister. Even if you wanted kids I would not have a child with him. Whats to say that he won't try that with his own child. I would stay away from this loser. Never bring a child into this world unless you want one. Don't have one just because someone else wants one.
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replied August 21st, 2004
Extremely eHealthy
Yes, I must add since I didn't realize who originated this post.
Your boyfriend is too damn young to be wanting kids, he is a freakin rapist and has many additional issues. You shouldn't even be with him, let alone be considering having his children. That is just plain stupid. I am sorry, but that is moronic.
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replied August 23rd, 2004
Experienced User
I'm not saying he wants to have kids right now...He just says he wants them later on. Not that that justifies the situation or changes my mind, but i'm just clearing that up.

......

I just had to add this tidbit to my collection of rants: his family all tells him they want him to have kids and that he needs to because, according to them, it's my boyfriend's turn to have twins. I guess every other generation in his family has birthed a set of twins.

And here's what is really irking me: I think his mom is actually trying to change my mind. Just this past saturday I visited him and she was asking about my nationality (i'm a heinz 57 myself xd), and she started saying, "oh that's great! Your guys' kids will be awesome with that kind of blood in them!"

and that's not the first time she's said that either about kids. She always says she can't wait to see the kids and all that.

........

*sigh* it's a shame to lose something so wonderful because of one issue, but I suppose that's the way it is. I'll handle this situation at a more appropriate time, when I can get him to sit his arse down and let me talk some sense into him.

.....

Scaredbaka
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replied August 24th, 2004
Extremely eHealthy
One issue? No, honey, there many in your "relationship"
and even if there were not this is a very important thing.
Besides, why would you even consider (or his mother and family) him having children when he is a rapist?
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replied August 25th, 2004
Extremely eHealthy
To have children and not want them is one of the biggest mistakes a person can make.A relationship is hard enough without kids.It sounds like you don't want children,either.Why would you even think about it.It's not like getting a puppy.You can't easily give them away if you change your mind.Children are a lifetime commitment,not an impulse item.Patty
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replied August 27th, 2004
Experienced User
Oh I know, pattyv, that kids aren't like pets; if I knew I could just shove it into a corner when i'm done with it or let it out into the yard when it gets annoying, then I might consider it.

While my boyfriend talks a good deal about having kids, i've never heard him actually say how much he's looking forward to raising it. I always hear, "i want to have at least one kid for my dad to see!", but never do I hear him say, "i want to have a kid and raise it to be something great!"

that makes me upset - it's like he wants a child only for appearance's sake. Now if he would be the one to lug it around in his gut for 9 months and birth it, then that might help change my mind as well, because I know pregnancy is not pretty, especially when the little troublemaker starts kicking. I swear, men have it soooo easy sometimes.

.................

I just keep an open mind - the main reason why I don't want kids is that I don't want to raise an infant. That's the stages where I don't think i'd survive. I would want an older child. Do you guys think it's wrong for a fertile couple to want to adopt? I myself would probably not mind having a little girl about 5 or 6 years old - I wouldn't care if it was my own flesh and blood or not. To me, a mother does not have to be the one that gives birth - a mother is someone who will love and nurture and care for their child and be there for them when they need it most.

Forgive my french, but sadly, my sweet loving little !**@! only wants a kid that is of his own flesh and blood. And he probably figures that it'll be all fun and games to raise a child...In a way i'd just like to make him care for a very hyperactive child, just to rub his nose in it.

........

*bleh* I admit, being in a relationship can be an amazing thing sometimes, but other times I just wish I never would have agreed to go out with the one I have. I love him very much, but sometimes the pain and tears I go through don't seem to be worth it.

......

But thanks, you guys, for your advice, and for just listening to me rant my guts out.

.....

Scaredbaka
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replied September 29th, 2004
Community Volunteer
Get out.

Stay out.

Live!
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replied October 24th, 2004
Experienced User
Okay, first of all, you say you deeply love this guy, and yet you later say you hope he finds someone else and leaves you...That doesn't sound like love to me. That sounds like your stuck in a rut and can't figure out how to get out (or are too scared to).

Secondly, you don't need to have children with this guy. If he only wants a baby so his family will be happy then he doesn't need to have one. After it's here he might be happy about it for a week or two, but when it gets stinky or cries all the time, he's not going to want to deal with it. If you have a child with him, you are going to be the one raising it, probably with no help from him.

I don't think it's wrong for a fertile couple to adopt a child, especially an older one. The older a child is in foster care, the less likely they are to be adopted. Many couples only want little babies, so that they can raise them completely. Here's an idea: when you grow up, have a house and a job and money, you could consider being a foster mother (although I still think he shouldn't be in the picture). As a foster mom you can raise children that are older, as those are the ones most desperate for a place to live. Then you can have children without going through the icky infancy stage.

Daile
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replied October 31st, 2004
Extremely eHealthy
That is what most men want! They want a son to "carry on their name" (how freakin 19th century is that?) but they don't want anything to do with raising the child. They just want children to have. It is your job as a woman to raise the kids! (you know I don't believe that)
no, not all men, so I don't want to hear people coming on here and starting a darn argument. I said, most and I mean most.
You need to get as far away from him as you can. Every second you stay is another second of your life wasted.
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