I have always had some undiagnosed mental problems, although i'm not sure what. When I was younger I am sure I was schizophrenic or obsessive compulsive. People have always misunderstood me or regarded me as odd, and social situations are very hard and nerve-wracking for me.

Last year, a short break in my mental problems ended with some mild depression. This year, it is worsening by the day. I am a sophomore. Everyoen aroudn me is dating someone. I have never dated anyone. I am not by any stretch ugly, I know this, and yet I am rarely asked out...When I am, it is by someone who a mother couldn't love. I feel incredibly alone and empty. Normally, movies hold some form of magic for me...This year, I can't even get through my favorite movies in one sitting. My attention span is tiny. I want to cry, and usually can't. I feel alone and lost and ignored. My friends whien about their petty little problems and I sit here and stew and my brain won't shut up. I feel as if I no longer have control of my future. I know that I am much less fun to be with recently, quiet even amongst my best friends.

Never before have I ever even thought about suicide, but tonight I thought about how I would compose my note. It scared me...I wouldn't have the guts to do anything like that, though.

Also, tonight, I took a small step towards abusing painkillers. It wasn't much, but it's different from my normal behavior.

I think about how really lucky I am compared to lots of people and it just makes me fel guilty and more depressed.

What am I supposed t odo?
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replied September 15th, 2003
Depression
I too suffer from depression. I hit rock bottom this year, and it very nearly cost me my life. I have some pretty big ups and downs, but I do feel like I am getting there. I have had fantastic support from some very wonderful councellors, but I too feel isolated when I am with friends. I stopped socialising with our really good friends for quite a long time, and now when I get out with them, I feel like an outsider, even though my husband has been still going out with them.

My family have been trying, but I think they really find it very difficult to understand what is going on with me. You are not alone....Even though I really feel very, very alone at times, even when I am surrounded by my family.
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