Medical Questions > Mental Health > Depression Forum

How to get through depression

Found this site - need to vent. Nowhere else to do it.

In the last 8 months this has all happened:

In a mentally abusive relationship for a few months where i found out he was three timing me, we lived together. I am 33.

Left that relationship (which nearly cost me my job)

Found out i was pregnant. Did what i had to do. Never been so sad in my life for my unborn (didn't have a chance) baby.

In the same week as finding out was pregnant, got a warning at work.

Was in massive body and mind healing mode, spent 8 months going to work (being present at my desk doing hi profile stressful job that involves A LOT of people.... keep going - keep smiling) then go STRAIGHT home to my room and didn't go out or talk to anyone.

3 funerals of close people very dear to me. Hard as thought of my baby at each one (even more so than at I do at every second of every day).

Found out the love of my life married someone else.

Terrified of sex/intimacy after abortion.

Didn't get a job i went for (some way to get out of the situation i was in)

Job under threat again.

Can't tell parents about pregnancy: both very well meaning but dad would call me a slut and one that doesn't face up to my responsibilities - mother would say something entirely inappropriate and upsetting. It would be my fault for UPSETTING MY PARENTS with such news.

Christmas - had no money to spend. Not a penny. Money situation is that i have to choose between getting the bus fare to work or spend it on something to eat.

Wrote a book about abortion and its affects on people.

Set up a company (another desperate attempt to change things, get out etc....). Was too stressful so abandoned it. Kept working full time at current job at same time. Doh.

I also stopped drinking (August). That's a very positive thing. And something i can control. It's about the only bit of my life that i can have any control about.

Food is creeping onto that agenda, under the disguise of not being able to afford much food (handful of nuts and a bowl of cereal each day. Lots of tea though).

Birthday - was ill. have been ill for over a month now. Still not shaking it.

Job: New threat of being one of several being made redundant this week.

If i lose job, i lose my flat.

Am single, have no support i can turn to that can help me in any way. No-one and nothing. If only i had someone to share all this with as it happens, accept help (I learned to do that recently), i bet i wouldn't feel half so black.

Girl i share with (is also my boss, and long-term good, good friend) just erupted at me as she's feeling it at work (can't blame her for being over-sensitive at a time like this). Exploded saying: "Why are you being so horrible to me?" all i did was ask her for something i'd leant her back.

I want to die. Really, I really do.

Just seen the POLL section. Here's a question: How do you know when you're really really ready to do yourself in?
But do you know what??? I have tried to stay positive, take one thing at a time, day by day, hour by hour. I have tried to remain vaguely human when i've had to interact with others. I have tried not to let this affect anyonelse's lives....If i killed myself - i'd hurt my mum and dad (and others) more than anything in the world - and this is not their problem so why should they suffer?

So - as trapped as i feel, i feel EVEN MORE trapped because of that reason. I can't even get out. What the hell do i do? I'm walking dead as it is!
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replied February 19th, 2008
Experienced User
Awww. I'm probably not much use but just keep trying to get through one day at a time, and make use of your friends and tell them what you're going through so they can understand and help you. Maybe they've noticed you acting differently and that's why your friend yelled at you. Help her see that you need her at this time, and if she's a good friend she will support you.
One thing that struck me about your post is that you wrote a book on abortion. Maybe that's a positive thing? It might help to vent your emotions a bit, and it's like an achievement that has come out of the whole experience as well, even if it's about all the negative feelings involved. It's something that you've done. I dunno if I'm being much help here, but I hope things get better for you. I'm sure there's help out there. Maybe you could see a counsellor for your emotional struggles, especially with the abortion, and you can get counselling for money problems too. And make use of those friends of yours. They need to understand what you're going through.

hope I helped x
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replied February 19th, 2008
Extremely eHealthy
Hi
I am sorry for everything you have dealt with and are still going through. As a mom myself the most important thing to me are my children and to make sure they are OK. They have made some choices I didn't approve of but I am still here for them, I always will be. I even made some choices in life that hurt my mom (my dad could care a less) but this made us closer, as it made me closer with my kids and their decisions.
Life is a very big learning process. Everyday seems to be a new adventure but somehow we get through the day.
I believe it would be best to talk to your parents, if you feel this strongly about death and dying you need to get to an ER, get some professional help.
There are a lot of people who care, it might not seem it right now but there are people out there. They have support groups for many different issues.

You mentioned you wrote a book about abortion..have you considered having it printed? Try approaching a publishing company, do a research online to find one. Even if the book changes one persons life you have made a difference.

I am trying to stay positive myself as I am going through a lot of health issues, that's why I popped into this forum. I was going to post a thread but I read your post and felt the need to reply.

Sweetie please call a local helpline to find a counseling center to attend a meeting or head to the ER and don't be so concerned about what your parents will say, they are your parents and will be more hurt if you end your life. They will be left with a lot of questions. I know people who committed suicide and to this day I ask if only they talked to me or talked to their parents then maybe they'd still be here.

I'm here if you need me as are many others on this site.
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replied February 20th, 2008
Extremely eHealthy
Venting is the best thing for one's soul. And you have found a good place to vent with others some of the same pain. Life can get very depressing at times. As the world revolves each day seems harder and harder to keep up with it. But, you are on the right track. Life is to short as it is. Live every day as best as you can. There are those out there that love you I am sure. And are probably willing and able to listen. Many times we underestimate those around us thinking no one will care or understand what we are going though. You would be surprised how many really do care. But, they will never know unless you talk about it.
Seek some support help. Group theropy or something like that. It helps to know there are others like you around. And please don't underestimate your parents. They love you and should support and understand what you are going through.

Throwing you some white light,
Carrie
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replied February 20th, 2008
Supporter
Thank you
for all your helpful comments to my whinge.

I was in counselling last year - for about 3 months post abortion. I am getting some way as i can now print (and sometimes even say) that word without bursting into tears. Even my book doesn't have that word in it - it's so harsh!

anyway - stopped counselling because..... i couldn't afford to continue. catch 22.

i simply cannot tell my parents. My mother lost 3 children before me. they never speak of it and certainly didn't deal with it at the time. They're pretty old (in their 70's) and have that generation's attitude: stiff upper lip and 'just get on with it'.

I wont do myself in - i know that. but this calm that i have worries me. i have to keep a lid on letting out suicidal thoughts -

Sometimes in life you have a phase of just pulling a handful after handful of bad stuff out the bag. And then you dont' notice that much when things are ticking along nicely.

I seem to have been pulling a load of bad out for the last 4 years! Had ENOUGH.

Anyway - thank you again - just reading your replies has touched me.

My gift back to you - there is an eclipse of the moon tonight.... about 2am. And it's a full moon - so should be quite spectacular.

G
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replied February 20th, 2008
Supporter
Oh - and....
tomorrow i find out if I am to be made redundant.

!!!!!!! Aaaaaaaghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
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replied February 20th, 2008
Extremely eHealthy
Hang in there!!!!

Your post sounds a bit better than your first one.
I've heard people say when life hands you lemons make lemonade well at times I want to run over those lemons or throw them against a brick wall.

Hang in there!!!!

The eclipse was awesome!!!!! I took video of some of it.
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replied February 21st, 2008
Supporter
Bloody lemons
wasn't it! (the moon i mean)
Wish i was on it.

No news on redundancy yet - we now find out tomorrow.

Job interview already set up for next week (elsewhere).
Will check back and let you know how it all goes.

Really great support group here. Thank you. It has lifted some of the weight from my shoulders just sharing ....

Whoever set up this forum and runs it deserves a medal.
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replied February 21st, 2008
Extremely eHealthy
This is a great place for getting support and helping others..Smile

The moon was beautiful last night but it was so bright it kept me up (not that I sleep much anyways).

Good luck with your job interview!!
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User Profile
replied February 21st, 2008
Supporter
Hi Sweetie! Me Fairy*Godmother
I for one am VERY PROUD OF YOU! YOu quit drinking. Thats one positive. You also have written a book about a very traumatic situation.....in which you are dealing wiht, and this would hel so many others in your situation. Now, are there not mental helath facilities that you can go too and talk to soemone about your feelings? You are going through depression and theres a lot you can do about it. I remember standing outsdie and crying ot God, please take me....I hated everyhting about my life. I would never measure up to the expectations of my parents....I was 32 then.....I did go back to school and became a research lab tech. But, I did it for them.............later on I realized I did it for me. Depression hurts and its the worse when you fell oyu have no one. GIRLFRIEND>>>>>you ahve us here. Alwasy anytime.....also feel free to PM me I will respond. I will be 51 this year, but still tend to "FAIRY*GODMOTHER" everyone who seems to need a HUG. I have been through a great deal raising a child on my own up until she was 10. You are a great person...............you ened to take better care of yourself. As for telling your parents..........I would NOT. This is not something they even need to know. Yes, they would belittle you.......but I won't. You did what you ahd to do....its called survival and I will tell you again.........I am proud of you! Keep that chin up girl and take the bull by the you know what............You have a lot to live for....you will jsut never apprecaite it until you have come close to dying.....I had a cerebral anuerysm 9 years ago this past Feb. I have beaten the odds of melanoma and now awaiting resluts of a needle biospy/lumpectomy......No worries.........I got things to do and people to make smile........you need me, write to me! HUGS!
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replied February 26th, 2008
Supporter
My very own fairy godmother.
Thank you - so much - for saying what you have. You are the first person to say that you are proud of me - and the only person to recognise i am battling against depression.

I know it - but don't want to sound/feel self obsessed. I really am trying to remain positive and move forwards, inch by inch. There is no other choice. Yes if i went to bed tonight and simply didn't wake up - that'd be wonderful - but life isn't that kind - how ironic is that. And i KNOW that in a year or so, i'll look back and not only go, "Phew - thank god that's over" (because it will get better [another prayer goes out]) but also: "well done me"

You are also the only person to realise that telling my parents is totally ridiculous. Everyone (the handful that know about the baby) says, "you should tell your parents" but they don't know them. Mum and dad love me very very much - but that does not qualify them to be able to help in a positive way.

So for now - yet another blow. Yes i got made redundant. This also means i have to move out of where i have been living - as i cannot afford it. I do take some little humour that this has happened - as i live with my boss, who is also a friend - and the one that made me redundant (haven't worked through that one yet). It's time to move on lock stock and several smokin' barrels.

I have a feeling that someone out there is sending me massive doses of strength. I will take every drop and use it to fight my way out of this seemingly endless mess.

So today - i feel positive. In a week or so, if i cannot find work, may well be another story. But for now - the sun is shining and i have letters to write.

Well fairy godmother - what a find you are. Thank you for writing. bucket loads of relief and gratitude at your post.

I wish for you good news from your tests.

G
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replied September 20th, 2010
I'm 14 and the past couple of weeks have been really hard for me I have just moved countries and my dad still lives where I used to live. Started to smoke tobacco and weed to try and help big mistake i also hate school, hate every second of my live i want to die but i know that my life is probally great compared to lots of other proples. I feel like I am all alone i want to just die. what should i do. i know this sounds weird but i go on that facebook game frontierville alot, i dont know its just the idea of starting a new life...
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replied May 19th, 2011
my story is nothing like yours. i am fourteen, I live in a beautiful house with a great family and I have amazing friends. All this, and im depressed. Im an idiot. I should be happy. I used to be happy... now Im not. I put a a wall around me, and everyone thinks of me as carefree and laughably forgetful. Im not that. I forget things because I'm tired from staying up every night trying not to fall asleep. i dont want to face a new day.

Im not suicidal yet, but i think its just a matter of time.

And Im not expecting replies or sympathy. Really i just wrote this here because I felt like talking, but Im too much of a coward to say Im depressed to anyones face. If you've taken the time to read this far; thanks.
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