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Raped as a child and choices as an adult

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I don't know where to start with this so I will just type and see where it goes...

I had a medical abortion a few weeks ago and the day after I came to this forum and typed it all out in anouther thread. I still have no regrets, I feel so relived to have my life back and I can finally start to think clearly again. I know what I did was right and I do not want anyone to tell me that I was wrong for the choice I made. Those who needed to know about it know and those who don't will never hear about it.

What confuses me now is that I almost see a connection to a rape that happened 16 years ago and my recent abortion. I could be wrong. When I was 8 years old I was raped by a relative of mine. Out of fear I kept it quiet for 12 years and a few years ago I told my family. Things didn't go so well when I told my family and he is still in my life and will not go away. He never touched me again since I was 9 (when my period started) but the feeling of the pain he brought into my life still lives strong in my mind.

I have hated my own body since and for years I performed self harm on my own breast and places on my body that are hidden by a swim suit because I was angry for being a woman. Before I was old enough to fully understand what being pregnant and sex is about I would punch myself in my stomach to get rid of what could possibly be living in there, I would even insert stuff into my vagina to also rid myself of what could be in there, this stopped when I was around 13 when I knew more about what was involved in creating a baby. To this day I have problems connection with others in my social life and relationships. I have always felt different and very alone. I work in animal medicine rather then with people because animals make me feel safe and it's a job I enjoy. I can not see people as being compassionate and there for have to reason to see children or people as something I care to socialize with.

I now have a wonderful, very supportive and logical thinking, boyfriend who I have been with for 5 1/2 years. It was with him that I became pregnant a couple months ago and the both of us decided together that we did not want to have a child at this time in our lives. Many factors played into this decision and to be honest there is more to the choice I made then what I am typing here.

Ok, so the point that I've been babbling on about and the question I have to ask is that I don't know if the choices I make now as an adult are a result of my experience in my childhood. I don't know if I could ever raise a child further down in my life and fully be able to connect or accept it. I have so far chosen to never have kids. Being able to have the choice of abortion has very much saved my own life from further torture and embarrassment.

I am posting in this section because I am sure that the abortion I had recently was right and I don't want to be criticized any other way.
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replied February 14th, 2008
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What a tragedy. I am so sorry you have had to deal with this abuse on your own for years.

There is a substantial amount of information out there that points to the fact that what happens to us when we are small imprints on us and shapes the way we interact with others in the future.

However, you are able to reframe these experiences in your mind and change. I would encourage you to seek professional guidance. A rape is a very, very serious crime against a young girl. You did not go into much detail, but if your family did not take it well and you still have contact with him there must be some serious issues there.

I hope you find a way to get healing.
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replied February 14th, 2008
Extremely eHealthy
Of course your childhood has an effect on your adult life, as it does for us all.

I was raped at 13 and aborted the subsequent pregnancy. It was the best decision of my life. I went on to fall in love with my ex-fiance, and we now have a beautiful 2 month old daughter. If you ever feel like you want to have a child, your past doesn't necessarily mean you won't love him or her.

If you don't feel like you want kids, that's fine to. If you do think you want them and are just scared about how you'd connect, seek help. Trust me, letting out the poison helps LOADS. It doesn't have to even be a doctor, just talking to someone you trust is enough.

I think you should stay away from your rapist. I can't even imagine what kind of psychological damage that's wreaking on you.

I hope you aren't still harming yourself? You are incredibly strong to have made it this far. I tried to kill myself -and almost succeeded- after the rape. The fact that we are both still here makes us survivors.
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replied February 14th, 2008
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Katrinadoodle wrote:
Of course your childhood has an effect on your adult life, as it does for us all.

I was raped at 13 and aborted the subsequent pregnancy. It was the best decision of my life. I went on to fall in love with my ex-fiance, and we now have a beautiful 2 month old daughter. If you ever feel like you want to have a child, your past doesn't necessarily mean you won't love him or her.

If you don't feel like you want kids, that's fine to. If you do think you want them and are just scared about how you'd connect, seek help. Trust me, letting out the poison helps LOADS. It doesn't have to even be a doctor, just talking to someone you trust is enough.

I think you should stay away from your rapist. I can't even imagine what kind of psychological damage that's wreaking on you.

I hope you aren't still harming yourself? You are incredibly strong to have made it this far. I tried to kill myself -and almost succeeded- after the rape. The fact that we are both still here makes us survivors.




ex-fiance? you guys broke up?
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replied February 15th, 2008
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Yeah, today.
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replied February 15th, 2008
I don't prefer to use cliques much but my life has really been a roller coaster. I did seek help when I brought it out and had a wonderful consular who really did make me see that I needed to stop blaming myself. Unfortunately I lost my insurance and all the benefits that came along with it including the help I was getting and the prescription co-pays. I really had no where to turn other then start pulling money out of my own pocket to buy what I needed. I love my job but I do not make enough money right now to afford my anti-depressants and birth control at the same time. This is how I ended up getting pregnant a few months back. With the last I had saved up I payed for my abortion and am now back on birth control with a little help from my grandma.

I live with my boyfriend and my dog who is a trained therapy dog and part of my job. My dog gets better health care then I do right now and she is the one who really keeps me going most days, she is with me almost always and I feel protected jut to have her close by. I just finished 7 years of college this past December with 2 degrees under my belt but nothing to show for it other then debt and no insurance. It really isn't that I don't want help, I know I need it, I just have no where to turn to find it since I've used up every resource I could find.

I still do harm myself, I try to stop, I really do. I hurt so much on the inside that bringing the pain to the surface is sometimes my only way of dealing with it. I often cry alone. At one point in my life I would bleed so much that the blood would soak onto my bra and when I removed my bra the scabs would come off and it would bleed even more. I don't hurt myself to that point anymore but I want to. Never have I wanted to kill myself but often I have wanted an escape out of my life.

My boyfriend is also there for me most of the time. He is a consular himself and works with disturbed children and teenagers. He is very supportive of me but there is a point where I can tell he does feel like giving up. I often wonder if I have been the one who has given up already.

The last thing I want to do is add a child into my tangle of a life when I can't even take care of myself. I am angry at myself for having an abortion, not because of the abortion itself but because I allowed myself to be careless and got pregnant in the first place. I am glad I made the choice I did to have it, but now it has set me back even further then ever before and I have no way of treating these feeling and emotions. The confusion alone tears at me and leaves me scared and in pain.

I know I could post this on several other boards but now that my abortion is involved in the mix I fear that the very mention of it will bring out the wrong impression and answers that others would ridicule me about. I'm sorry if it may seem a little out of place but in a way what I am discussing is relevant to the subject of pro-choice. I was given a choice and not forced to make myself suffer more then I needed to.
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replied February 15th, 2008
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You never have to justify why you had an abortion to anyone.

It sounds like you are dealing with a lot on your plate right now. Are there any alternative sources in your community to help you pay for mental health counseling and medication? There is alot of help in many places so that you can receive the medication and care that you need. Best wishes...
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replied February 16th, 2008
I did apply for low-income health care and Medicaid but after my application was evaluated I was denied coverage. I really am struggling just to pay the bills and my college loans but as it turns out I still make just slightly above the poverty line as a single woman living with a partner. My boyfriend and me split everything 50/50 as if we were roommates. Although he make much more then I do, I do not expect him to cover my half in any way. As far as a social worker sees this case because he is living with me then his income is involved in the decision of whether I qualify. Now, I see no reason why my boyfriend should have to pay for me to get help when this case does not involve him. We both choose to not get married at this time so I don't understand why this is being seen as if I was married to him...alright, so thats a bit of much needed rambling... but my point is the systems in place exclude me from receiving the help I need which in turn is causing more unnecessary stress. This may be why I came to this forum to seek advice when I can't seem to get any help anywhere else.

I was doing alright for a while but the abortion opened up an explosion of everything I had locked up inside me. Like I mentioned I do not regret the abortion and it's true, Birch, I do not have to justify why I did it. What's troubling me is just going through this process, it has brought back more harsh feelings then I had ever expected from this experience. What had happened to me as a child came back in full force starting on the day I found out I was pregnant. I was hoping that by terminating the pregnancy it would also rid the feeling associated with it. To a point it did relive much of that pain. However, I still have some cleaning to do in my mind to completely recover from this trying time in my life.

The question I am asking is very unclear but I was hoping I could find some help from someone who is pro-choice and can understand my decision and then get me the help for what I need without taking this too far off the subject at hand.
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replied February 17th, 2008
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Wow. I cannot tell you enough how sorry I am that you are dealing with all that.

There has got to be a way to get help. (I hope!) I really think you need long term counseling--much more than you would get on here. The rape...and your family, and he's still around, and the abortion bringing it all back...it's a lot.

Have you tried any "women's only" programs? The YWCA? Or a rape crisis center might know of something. Maybe a support group? You could call your ob/gyn and tell them your situation.
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replied March 18th, 2009
I know that having to deal with sexual abuse at a young age can impact you in ways that others can not even begin to imagine. The best analogy that I have heard is it is like there is a door that is supposed to be opened gradually, at your own choosing, being kicked down and raided. I personally was molested at age 5 and I have never gotten over it. I don't know what it is like being raped as a woman, but I know that as a man I have dealt with it, but it is alwasy going to be a part of me that is lurking in the background, ready to leap out and shred me again, psychologically. I aplaud you for being able to deal with it to this point, and anyone who would ever criticize you for having an abortion to protect yourself obviously is unable to identify with your situation, and is unqualified to even give you advice. People who have survived abuse and gone on to live even relatively normal lives deserve the right for other to abstain for judgements that they know little to nothing about.
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replied March 18th, 2009
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Vivac I may not understand you completely but I can understand abuse can leave scars mentally and physically for years to come.

I was abused by a family member and even with years of counselling as a teenager, I never though it could still hurt sometimes. I personally have become more defensive irrationally then to anti-social which I once was.

What makes it harder is the fact I have children and it makes it even harder to bond with what I once resent or the lifestyle I resent. I cope with it in my own way but I know that it probally wouldn't hurt anyone to have a few rounds of counselling. It saddens me when someone can not even access to something that can impact a person in a positive manner, which is probably why I fight for it.

Kids are not a necessity and if I could tell you how many time in a month I could just give up, give up on everything it would be consider irrepsonsible. Never allow someone to impose their beliefs or criticize you for what you do,even if you must be rude. I'm not saying being disrespectful is acceptable but sometimes you must to protect the simplicity of our sanity, instead of bottling it up.

What really bothers me, is that when someone genuinely asks for help, whether it be you, me or anyone else and it seems to lack. It does not mean I lack faith in people but I have come to realize that sometimes we need to make an stand in order for others to accept such.

I truly hope you can find the help you need, no one should ever have to suffer, what some of us do.
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replied March 19th, 2009
I hear you sweetie, I was brutally rape when I was seventeen. It takes a lot of time to get over what happen and even then something will always remain. That doesn't mean you have to suffer alone, their are lots of support groups online. What happened is not your fault, I know at time you may feel like that like I did, but the person who did it was sick and pathetic. Get help, talk to a counselor, get on the road to recover. Don't let the man who molest you win anymore victories over you. Best of luck to you, you are a beautiful person and you deserve to be happy.
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replied May 29th, 2009
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Have you tried telling your boyfriend everything you've told us or at minimum that you can't afford your BC and another essential medication at the same time? Maybe you two could work something out where he helps you a little more than 50/50 on things because he loves you and right now you really really need the help. Some BC interferes with your mood so you should also be sure to tell your gyn that you'd one that would work well with your anti-depressant medication.
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replied May 29th, 2009
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ViVac, i feel for oyu honey..As a child my mothers brother physically abused me for several years..Out of fear I keept quiet then begna to tell family..Mom was upset my grandmother refused to believe it and disowned us..The uncle was never dealt with outside of amily ignoring..

Later in life I had a medical abortion due to medical reasons..I hated to do it but it's been done and over with for a long time..Family outside of my husband were not pleased--I choose the procedure over death as I already had a little one at the time..I went into group therapy tohelp me deal with the issues going on at time..My huisband was in the military and out of country so I ahd to deal with the abortion basicly on my own..It didn't set to well for years..

Where ever you live go online and do a search for free mental health help..Many areas have this listed..Please do this and go talk with someone face to tface..Pent up feelings need to be released-i have always thought of bad feelings to be like a cancer that grows and can kill off good feelings because it eats away at your life..

You are right though--you do need to get youirself taken care of before having a child..I think once you do you will be a loving parent..You will watch over your child and protect them from as much evil in this world as you can..

Please don't injure yourself--allthe ugliness of childhood changes a life-but you canget it back to a normalcy..

I hope you will let me know how you are doing..You can PM anytime..God Bless..KD Lee
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