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My lifes over, feeling hopeless

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I am no teenager, i'm in my forties so please no teens trying to compare hating a class or something to my life because if I had a small problem I wouldn't be here, I would fix it. When I was growing up my fantasy (goals) about adulthood was just to get a good job that paid well, buy that house with the fence, get married and have kids. Back then you could pretty much get into most fields even with no experience and if you worked hard you could make it.

After high school my goal was to join the Army and have a career as a mechanic and after I got out of the military apply my skills to either get my own business or get a good job and settle down. Well after about five years the military started an equal opportunity push and all the white guys like me started getting passed over for promotions. Eventually we were told to our faces we wouldn't be promoted anymore because we were white males. Eventually I was forced out.

In the civilian world businesses everywhere started the same thing but age discrimination was also added in. people everywhere with seniority started waking up to find no jobs waiting, while younger and less skilled workers got their jobs for far less money. When I got out every employer laughed at my military background and told me to come back when I received civilian training and experience. Catch twenty two, no jobs without experience and no training unless you already had a job in your new field. Entry level jobs soon disappeared at least for people like me but if you could speak spanish, automatic job, even if you could not read and write in English, or had no verifiable background or experience. They can even get a drivers license with an expired passport, while me with six forms of ID get turned away and still have to bring a filing cabinet the next time it needs renewing.

Every job field I qualified to get into soon squeezed people like me out. During my civilian years many employers have told me to my face they don't hire whites, wouldn't because of my age or sex, ore a combination of them. So while these reasons to discriminate might be illegal if another group received them like blacks, females, spanish speaking,etc there is no law anywhere to protect people like me since equal opportunity laws were designed not to treat everyone equally. These laws were to deny people like me from further opportunities so others, even when completely unqualified for a position could take our places, for far less money. Businesses everywhere took advantage of these laws to combine jobs, cut salaries, and to decrease or eliminate benefits like retirement and health care, and to ship job opportunities overseas.

Anyway I eventually found myself being denied opportunity after opportunity because I was an older white guy. So since I don't have a career field to fall back on I am stuck with no employable skills or experience. Many skills I did have are years outdated. Education, I have tried many times and each worthless, since no education is worth anything unless an employer is willing to hire and train entry level candidates, today most will not unless your're of high school age like my son.

I love my wife dearly however, she was married once before and afterwards got fixed and cannot have kids anymore. Now one my dreams was always to have kids of my own so I never will. So here I sit in my forties, my wife works, my son even works and will soon go to college. Me I will never be employable because I'm either to old, the wrong sex, the wrong race, not experienced, no current training, no references, and no verifiable background, or whatever other reason you can toss in. Life has passed me by despite my attempts to particapate. I am now completely useless and am sure I will be a burden on my wife for the rest of my days.

When I have mentioned these problems before most just cannot understand my problems since they have never walked a mile in my shoes. While my dear wife has been extremely supportive, even she does not understand my problems. However recently she was purposely fired from a job because she was the only American citizen there, so she is starting to understand. Some in online forums have called people like me a cry baby and tell people like me to be silent. I refuse to go silently, but feel I will be useless for the rest of my life. I have tried everything but am out of options, I guess I have to except that I will never be employable again, and that everything I wanted to achieve in life will never happen. Well at least there is that last constant, we all die sooner or later. Its probably a good thing I don't believe in suicide, or own a gun. Then again that would be to easy, life is determined to have me suffer as long as possible. So sitting in the shadows and suffering mostly in silence is my punishment in life. Crying or Very sad

Wanted to add in we are drowning in dept, rent is overdue, bills are piled high and I feel its all my fault because I can't find any job even if my life depends on it. I feel my situation is hopeless and it's all because I have failed at everything I have ever tried to do. Embarassed
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replied February 19th, 2008
Especially eHealthy
Shadowman-
I'm so sorry to hear about the trouble you've been through.

Have you talked to anyone about getting help: a career counselor, maybe a therapist??
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replied February 19th, 2008
Mmm talking to someone who, the KKK?
Lets see talking to someone? I could spend a ton of money I don't have to see someone with a degree who is most likely half my age and has never been exposed to my problems, who would have no experience to draw from. They might say things like you should like yourself more, or believe in myself more than I do. A favorite for them might be to have me list what I like about myself and what I don't. Time saver, not much I like about my life, period. Yup, talking to someone without a clue to my problems would be helpful how? Perhaps, if there was a group around for older white guys with my problems, (and lead by one then) I might go sign up right now. However, we all know there are no such groups around.

A career counselor? Sure if I had money and again a service designed for the young or someone with highly marketable skills, i'd be in neither group. These services all give the same advice and don't cater to people like me. I'd waste my time and money and never see results. See I have been deprived of a career my entire life simply because i'm a white guy so no amount of counseling will overcome the fact that I have never been given a chance to get a good job and the skills I need. Lastly, don't say education, thats the biggest scam around. I have a wall full of awards and degrees, and stuff they don't count when your told sorry only females and blacks get the promotion, or sorry we don't hire whites, older workers, or U.S. citizens.
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replied February 20th, 2008
Extremely eHealthy
Only you have control over your life and what you are able to do with it. Untill April of 2006 I worked in the medical field for 23 years. I am not almost 61 years old. For the last 4 years my life has been built around health horror and almost death. I am not at the end of my third stage of disablity after being denied twice. My youngest son is talking care of me. I get food stamps and am on Medicaid. I belong to the government! I deal with it and do the best I can to make my life useful in other ways. I will never work again. As a matter of fact, I go for spine surgery March 3rd.
You seem to have alot of anger built up inside over things that are so pety. Don't take that anger out on our staff. Georgia59 is one of the best Modertors on this board amongst many others. If you don't want to hear what we say then you are not ready for any help. We are all here to help you if you really want to listen. There are jobs out there for people that can and want to work.
Don't you think that every day I get depressed just thinking that I am a burden on my son? YES. I do. But, I try and make both our lives as stress free as possible. So, if you have come here to argue and not for help, you have lost the point of this community.
As a side note. My son got fired for not doing something that was NOT in his job discription and has been out of work for a month. He just now got a new job. We also don't know how the rent, power, water etc bills are going to be paid. You think your the only one in this position. Well, your are wrong.
Now I am done...............
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replied February 20th, 2008
Especially eHealthy
shadowman wrote:
Lets see talking to someone? I could spend a ton of money I don't have to see someone with a degree who is most likely half my age and has never been exposed to my problems, who would have no experience to draw from. They might say things like you should like yourself more, or believe in myself more than I do. A favorite for them might be to have me list what I like about myself and what I don't. Time saver, not much I like about my life, period. Yup, talking to someone without a clue to my problems would be helpful how? Perhaps, if there was a group around for older white guys with my problems, (and lead by one then) I might go sign up right now. However, we all know there are no such groups around.

A career counselor? Sure if I had money and again a service designed for the young or someone with highly marketable skills, i'd be in neither group. These services all give the same advice and don't cater to people like me. I'd waste my time and money and never see results. See I have been deprived of a career my entire life simply because i'm a white guy so no amount of counseling will overcome the fact that I have never been given a chance to get a good job and the skills I need. Lastly, don't say education, thats the biggest scam around. I have a wall full of awards and degrees, and stuff they don't count when your told sorry only females and blacks get the promotion, or sorry we don't hire whites, older workers, or U.S. citizens.


I'm just thinking that if you talk to someone like a career counselor, they will be able to point you to jobs that you are well qualified for and that you are likely to be hired for. They know the reality of the job market, they should be able to help you with whatever problems you are having. If you're really that sure that your problem is being an older white male, find an older white male career counselor who can identify with you and help you out.

And you really do sound like you need the help of some kind of therapist, someone you can talk to. If you go to a good doctor and really tell them how you're feeling, tell them you don't want to make any silly lists of things you like about yourself, that kind of thing, they WILL listen to you and they WILL help you in ways you feel are appropriate.

Don't knock it till ya try it. That's all I'm saying. There are many older white men in therapy, career counseling, etc. that you can talk to if you think they will be more sympathetic. Just give it a try.

Find a older white male therapist/psychologist/counselor who can help you out. I promise they're out there. And don't tell me "I won't try it because it won't work" because well, then you're never gonna get anywhere.
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replied February 20th, 2008
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therapy - and a suggestion
Hello.

I am truly sorry to read your woes - they are real to you no matter WHAT else is going on in the world. Your S*** is your S*** and that's what you have to deal with.

DO TRY therapy. I too had the same feelings as you about it. But after a pretty hefty few years (last year was the worst - SO FAR) - see my blog here "i don't know how i am still alive".

I too am drownign in debt - i don't have any family of my own that can help. Haven't had a cuddle or any physical contact (apart from a handshake at work) in nearly a year.

Councelling (i was desperate) DID help - after i attended 6 sessions (yes you have to work at it too - it's really hard to open up) and you know what?? to my amazement i learnt things about myself. So do find one that is available free of charge (see your doctor) and keep at it. Set yourself a small (tho might seem huge) goal (you are a goal setter after all!) to go 6 times..... just see what happens OK?

Suggestion:
Set up your own business.

Fitness classes in a park
Help other people get fit.
You have training you can pull from.
There's a revolution in outdoor fitness going on here - British Military Fitness (google it) - you could do the same thing.
Even if you don't partake in the exercises (if you have health issues), having a responsibility to help others, be in charge, be around positive people just might be a turning point for you.

other ideas:
set up a site / blog for others who have experienced the same rejections as you. People have different skills - you never know what ideas you might all come up with together - which may even lead to work.

Don't rely on others for work - get yourself up up up. Yes i know, seems relentless but there are two types of people in this world:
those that sit and wait for life to serve them
those that get up, maybe take just one tiny step before they fall over. Get up, dust themselves down, take another couple of steps - fall over again.
You might be a little bruised - but you're doing something.

you sound like a fighter to me - find those last ounces of strength - and DO SOMETHING. Even if it seems the most mammoth effort to begin with...

The best of British luck Sir.... go do it! x
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replied February 20th, 2008
Especially eHealthy
Those were great suggestions.
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replied February 20th, 2008
Your suggestions seem great on the surface but...
I have tried all sorts of ways to get a better job: agencies, a high end career placement agency, job fairs, college (big scam,) etc. and I get the same results every time, nothing. I say I am out of options because I've exhausted them all over the years. My last attempt was to go to college and begin my own business, but I got hosed instead. Wanna talk about careers, I've been pushed out of several so everything I ever wanted to do and then some is gone for me.

Fitness, I go for walks and joined LA Boxing with my wife recently, a bit of excercise doesn't scare me. I have always strived to do my best in everything I do and I have dozens of past awards and stuff to back up that claim from past careers. Now that i'm older I am faced with the fact that my best never mattered because I never had a chance.

A counselor seems like a good idea but I don't qualify for free services of any type and can't afford to pay. Opening up and talking about things with a counselor seems like it could be helpful, except for one thing. I know my luck and it would not be helpful jumping from one counselor to another until I find one that is right for me. Plus it can show up in my medical history and effect things like getting life insurance and such. I know tried selling life insurance for a bit, was even licensed, another business flop.
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replied February 21st, 2008
Extremely eHealthy
shadowman
My heart really goes out to you. I know your not hear for someone to play hearts and flowers for you. You are a genuine gentlemen, who is plagued with the feeling of be betrayed, misunderstood and depressed. I will be honest with you. If I were as young again as you are, I would probably feel the same way. Sounds to me like you really haave tried everything under the sun to find work. Use to be you did not even need a high school diploma to get a entry level job. Then that changed and they requested you have a high school diploma for anything. Now the changed and you need a journeymans liecense or a degree to get anywhere anymore. It is getting harder and harder. My oldest son worked for Capital One for 7 years as a computer software anyalist. One day he gets his pick slip. They were dropping over a hundred top level employees so they could outsource the work. Thank goodness he got a better paying job with the brokridge furm Franklin Tempelton.
My point is, if I were still you age even with a medical background for over 23 years, I would not be able to find work either. Overworked and underpaid!

You are in my thoughts shadowman,
Carrie

I like georgina23's tips
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replied February 21st, 2008
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For Ms Carrie
Will be thinking of you on 3rd March. Actually on 2nd March - that'll be the day to send hope and love and other thoughts of good will.

Shadowman, i don't know your situation, but it sounds like you could do with being surrounded by other people OUTSIDE all of this. Not friends you already know, not family - other people

Why not volunteer to do some work for your local community??

Helping older people, who can be very lonely
start a scheme and then get your local government involved...

Anything that takes the focus OFF your worries (i know, they'll still be there but sometimes the incessant thinking about them is more than half the affliction) and focussing something positive. Having a schedule, a responsibility means you have something else to think about... a reason to get up and out the house. It's all text book stuff but sometimes we have to give in to text books and realise that we are creatures of habit and things affect most in the same ways.

You are a human being. Every one of us is valuable, everyone can touch others.

You have a big heart which i am sure can be put to amazing use. Get some self-worth, even if you have to pretend for a bit - it rubs off for real i assure you.

Good luck x
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replied February 21st, 2008
Extremely eHealthy
georgina23: Thank-you. They will be appreciated

Shadowman: georgina23 has a good thought. Sometimes in life, just the smallest feeling of selfworth is worth it's weight in gold. You need to get out and do something kind for others. There is so much volunteer work out there. Although it does not pay. It makes you feel worth something and money does not buy happiness. I realize it does not pay the bills either. But, maybe, just maybe it will open up some doors for you and you may even get a job out of it when they see the good you can do. I think georgina23's idea is wonderful.

Hugs coming at ya,
Carrie
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