This is kind of hard asking for help from strangers, but I can't go to anyone to talk about it. I don't like discussing my relationship with my good friends, mainly because one has never really been in a relationship (she can't find the right guy honestly) and the other has a romantic relationship...So, she wouldn't know what to do....And my other friends are guys, so I can't go to them, and my other girl friends are all friends with HIM, so I don't want to go to them. So, I have come down to this.

He use to be romantic. When we started dating he did what ever he could to make me happy. Back then I didn't expect it. I was sick the first two months we started dating. I kept getting cold after cold and I kept getting the flu. He would rub my back and talk to me while I laid in bed feeling like crap.

Our first Valentine's Day, he surprised me by getting me a dozen roses, candy, a bear and he spelled I LUV U in my laundry (we were in high school, well I was...He is three years older than me).

We use to be able to have a good time together. Even when we were sitting around doing nothing, we were together...I felt like we were together.

That is just a few of the good times. The past two years for Valentine's Day, he runs to the store the last second, when everything is gone. He always makes excuses. He just says "Here" anymore, and I always try to surprise him.

Recently I was sick and he went to a bar with his friends. He knew I was sick. I had a fever, I was coughing constantly, I barely was sleeping, my chest was killing me, blah blah blah....He was out half the night. He went hunting the next day, and sat at home the rest. I missed college because I was so sick...I slept all day. He didn't care.

Anymore, when we are doing nothing, he watches what he wants to watch on television. It is the first thing that he does, after letting his dog outside. I sit and do homework or do nothing but play with the cats. After a while, he goes "When do you want me to take me home?" Then, he takes me home. If that isn't the case, I make dinner while he watches television. Sometimes he eats and watches television. Other times he will sit with me and eat and watch television from where he sits. If the television isn't on, we talk a little at dinner. He eats faster than I do, so when he is done, he puts his plate away and goes to the couch and watches television again.

Also, it's like it just cant be him and me doing something. He gets calls from "our" friends to do something, and he goes. He drops everything and goes. I'll go to, but half the time it is like I am not even there to him. I'll talk and it is like I do not exhist.

He use to want to kiss me, but anymore he pulls away from my hugs and kisses. I have confronted him, saying I feel like we are married, and we aren't...We're engaged. I tell him I do not like what is going on..."It's going to be like this when we get married anyways..." My point is we aren't so why start now? I am unhappy with our relationship right now, and if marriage is going to be like this I don't want to get married.

I do not know what is going on anymore. He works, and complains that he doesn't get enough sleep, but he runs around and does his thing late at night. I think he gets mad at me when I cant run around with him and do what he wants to do.

Did I mention our excitement alone together is going to Wal Mart to do his grocery shopping?

Yeah. HIS shopping.

I am wondering if it is because he wants to have sex, and we never have. It's because of the lack of protection, and I am not going to have sex without birthcontrol....It's a long story. But we never have. We have been together for over 4 yrs. I am a virgin, he's had sex once. Our friends are always talking about sex. I am wondering if it is depressing him like it is depressing me. A lot of our friends are married or have kids...Well the friends we have "together".

Anyways, I wanted to run a few things by someone. I have a friend that I met online from out of state, Aaron. I have talked to him about this stuff before. He comes to me about stuff to, like what to get his girlfriend/fiance for christmas and such...He likes to get a woman's point of view I guess. I am sick of going to him. I think he gets annoyed sometimes...

Please give me some advice (and I hope it's not advice saying to go out and have sex to make him happy...)
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replied February 10th, 2008
Experienced User
no, im not gonna tell you to go have sex with your boyfriend just to make him happy...but sex is important in a healthy relationship, especially if you guys have been together for so long. 4yrs is it?

guys during the first stage of trying to woo you always act like that. they buy you stuff,flowers, all that lovey dovey stuff. but once they have you and the relationship is establish they dont feel the need to impress you cause they already know you love them for who they are not for what they bought you.

my boyfriend was like that, and after our relationship settled down it slowed down a bit but didnt come to a screeching halt. try your best to talk to him about it, but if hes seriously acting this way now that your engaged...i dont think marriage looks too good for the both of you.
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replied February 10th, 2008
Experienced User
like lady said, I won't push you to have sex with him, but it is a very important part of a relationship. If it's not a desire to wait until marriage, but rather wanting to use birth control, well condoms are cheap and even free. Why don't you get on the pill? Why not use condoms? Both are very effective in preventing pregnancy, and even more effective together. As long as you are over 16 (which you most certainly seem to be) it shouldn't be a problem getting on the pill. Sex is a huge part in a man feeling as though he's accepted. It's also a huge part of physical intimacy, which we all desire.

I've been with my boyfriend for a year and a half now. We were long distance for most of it, and still are, but had 4 months together in between. He's always been very sweet and goes out of his way to make me feel beautiful and special. You deserve this as well. And we waited for a year into our relationship to have sex, so we didn't exactly rush. I think it's really important for both members to feel desired and to be sexually satisfied.
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replied February 10th, 2008
Experienced User
I don't expect him to buy me stuff. He always does, and I hate that. I have told him over and over again that buying me stuff doesn't make me happy. Love, touch, romance, conversation and knowing he loves me is what makes me happy.

Yes, comdoms have proven to be all right, but two of my friends have had kids by them. My best friend got pregnant using a condom the first time they had sex. Another friend of mine got his girlfriend pregnant while he was senior in high school. She was on birthcontrol and using condoms. They didn't have the birth control when she got pregnant because his younger sister stole his girlfriend's birth control.

If I were to ever get pregnant my parents would def. be disappointed...right now it is bad enough that I feel like I disappoint my parents because my college future has yet to be set. I can't decide on a major.

My man is always thinking of himself. I try to do things for him that make him happy. Sex is the only thing I have not done. He always tells me when we are ready we will...He is not going to push me into it...But I cannot help but think our friends look at us strange for it. His ex is still a friend of his, and she is pregnant with her second child because of not using protection...and SHE always gets on us about not having sex, and she even was telling people that I am not a very good person because I do not provide sex for him.

He's going to be 24 and I am 20..we're a little over three years apart.

I noticed the change when I gained 20 pounds either...He gained 50 in about a year after we got together but I have never not been attracted to him. He makes me laugh...anymore instead of making me laugh he makes me feel like crap because he doesnt even act like I exhist anymore.

We spend a lot of time together, so I am wondering if I just need to keep away from him...He works at the college I go to. We ride together over and ride back together over...Mainly because my car is no longer in working order because someone hit it while it was parked one day...So I can't drive it until it gets fixed...I work in the same building he does as a student worker so I always see him. When I am not working or going to class I am in the library (that is the building) doing homework...

I dont know what is going on anymore. I have tried to confront him about this and he just tells me to give it up and stop talking about it...He is so bullheaded he doesnt want to hear about it, and when I tell him this stuff he always says give me time I will do something nice....

I back his butt up all the time, I do stuff for him, I fix him dinner, I clean his house when I can, I take care of the dog and the cats....I do so much...other than give him sex...sometimes I feel like I am a toy to him...He'll pull me out of a box when he wants me, then he puts me right back into the box until next time he wants to play...know what I mean?
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replied February 10th, 2008
Experienced User
I don't want to be rude but I guess what I am about to say might sound a tad bit harsh. Your Fiance sounds like a jerk.

First off sex or no sex is not a reason to act that way and if he is acting that way over sex then you don't want to be with some one like that anyway. The person above is right though, if your only reason for not having sex is a lack of birth control that can be remedied very easy. If you are waiting for marriage then good for you and stick to it.

I understand that men start out a tad more lovey, romantic and cuddly. I understand that sex (or just making out in your case) starts out hot and fizzles. But some of the stuff your fiance is doing sounds down right rude and disrespectful. To sit and watch TV while you cook and then ignore while he eats to watch more TV is rude. To eat faster than you and then get up and go watch TV while you aren't even done eating is rude. To not want to do anything fun with you except shop at walmart for him and then jump at the chance to go out with your/his friends is rude. To ask you "when do you want me to take you home" is rude. He is rude and disrespectful.

It is possible that he is just a jerk but still cares about you but it is also possible that he has lost interest. The bottom line is that if you are unhappy then you need to move on. If you decide to leave him leave him only if you really plan on leaving and you can stick to it because he may not like the idea and come chasing after you asking for you to come back and then just become his old self again.

I have been with my husband for 5 years and it is true he is not as romantic as he use to be (but neither am I) however he still allways wants to hang out with me and take care of me when I am sick. He never choses his/our friends over me and although a lot of "our" time does consist of running errands it is usually both of our errands not just his.

Anyway, I hope this helps and good luck with everything.

PS Maybe the idea of marraige is scarying him.
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replied February 10th, 2008
Experienced User
Oh hun, I really feel for you. I'm married and have been for a while, and even though my husband and I do have sex it can get like that. Pretty much the only time he *tries* is right before we have sex, I of course feel like it's just so I'll have sex with him. Sex isn't gonna make it better, IMHO. I think stuff just gets boring after awhile. When I start to feel depressed about our relationship I reaaaallly talk to him about it over and over again, and then finally he'll make an effort. As soon as he does, everything is greaaat and I fall in love all over again with him. I think boys are just... I dunno.... different. I hope it gets better!!!
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replied February 10th, 2008
Experienced User
While I'm not encouraging you to have sex (since I think this relationship has some other problems besides what he may feel is a lack of intimacy), condoms have a 2% chance if used correctly, while the pill has a 0.3% chance. If you both at the same time, you have a near 0 chance of getting pregnant. With that, chances are they weren't being used correctly. There are other methods are well, such as an UTI or an implanted patch.

You definitely should talk to him. While people say you not having sex with him *shouldn't* be the reason, it may very well be. He may also have gotten bored, or as someone else suggested, may be afraid of marriage. The weight gain may also have bothered him (just because his didn't both you, many men can be shallow). If he refuses to talk to you, or to give some insight into what changed then you should consider moving on. Better now then when you are married. He's probably not worth it.
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replied February 10th, 2008
Experienced User
If he was so scared, why would he talk so much about it? And why did he plan a whole trip to propose? I didn't tell anyone that, did I?

I think he is just so stubborn that he just ignores everything. There are a lot of times he is right about things that do not obtain to us. Just stupid stuff. But he refuses to believe stuff. He is like blind.

He's an only child...I have been raised with two younger sister...I am use to putting everyone else first. He is use to putting himself first of all things. I also wonder if that is it.

I talked to him about some stuff a little while ago, and he told me there is more to a relationship than just sex.

I have been wondering if the relationship would get better if we decide to prosue sexual intercourse. Recently I have been doing research and getting advice from people about birthcontrol and everything else. I am a really nervous freak when it comes to doctors. I kicked the dentist. I had a panic attack when I went to the doctor for mono. I just have had a fear of them my whole life. So seeing someone about birthcontrol is hard for me to go to. Yeah, it takes half an hour or so. I have friends that say they will go with me. My friend said she would call for me. I dont want my parents finding out, and my health department just offers the pill, and I want the NuvaRing...If we had decided to have sex before marriage we were going to use condoms along with birthcontrol.

Anyways, I keep going on and on...
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replied February 10th, 2008
Experienced User
just cause your freinds got knocked up because they used some type of birthcontrol doesnt mean your gonna gonna get prego. they probably didnt do it right is my guess. the condom broke,had a hole in in, someone didnt take their pill on time, etc so many things could happen but if you take it upon yourself to take care of yourself and you do it right, im sure you wont end up like them hun
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replied February 11th, 2008
Experienced User
Yeah...what scares me is the chances of the condom having a hole in it or it breaking...I dont like taking risks...Especially when it comes to chances of getting pregnant and not being married....
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replied February 11th, 2008
Experienced User
If there is a hole, you WILL know. I've never had a condom break without being able to tell afterwards. Let's face it, once he pulls out, and takes the condom off, if he can squeeze the semen out, it's broken. Most of the time the hole is really obvious too. And if this does happen, you can take the morning after pill. It's available at most pharmacies for around 40-50$ or you can get it at a clinic for free. Using lube will also help ensure a condom doesn't break from drying out (usually the cause). Also, getting on birth control of some kind will help. The pill is extremely effective taken properly. Set yourself an alarm to remind you, that's what I do, anything so you don't miss a day.

I know the idea of becoming pregnant is nerve wrecking, and you're afraid to tell your parents. But if you are prepared, and are safe, the chance is minimal. You are 20 years old already and most parents do understand that when you're an adult and in a serious relationship, you have sex. If you tell them now, they can help you get on the nuva ring and make sure you're safe. Having sex monogamous sex is nothing to be ashamed of. Plus, if you really want to get on the ring, you can always pay for it yourself.

I'd just like to clarify that I'm not pushing you to have sex with him. While I don't think it's a good reason for him to be acting cold, it may still be a reason. I know I'd be upset if my boyfriend refused to have sex with me, but I'd definitely talk to him about it. Men are sexual creatures, and the fact that he is surrounded by people who actively engage in sex may make him think something is wrong with your relationship. If things could be fixed by having sex, would you? Could you talk to your parents about you becoming sexually active? He's not treating you right, and you should NEVER have sex with someone to make them happy. Sex should be something you both want in order to express your feelings to him. It sounds like you've made up your mind, in terms of him treating you wrongly. Are you ready to leave him?
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replied January 18th, 2009
leave him
hi, i know this is a bit late but have you ever considered that he is cheating on you and has been for a long time; and is only staying with you because he's using you as a back up for when things go wrong. he's just insecure and doesn't appreciate you any more. you deserve better, i suggest that you leave him.
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replied March 24th, 2009
tell him how important he is to you. hold his hand and look him straight in the eye. tell him the reason for your abstinance and that when the time for a child is right only then will you have sex. Or find a way to get birth control. as brutal as it sounds sex is a glue that holds a man to a woman sometimes. tell him he is the only one for you. any man with a sence of romance and compassion would be won over by that statement. if he isn't then unfortunately the time has come for you to find someone who will be more sensitive to your situation. i wish you the best of luck and dont dwell on this because you are not alone.
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replied March 27th, 2009
Extremely eHealthy
either way something has to change in your relationship or it will disappear. i think he may be a little bored...maybe not as into everything as he used to be. Either from lack of sex or maybe just because things are the same. You have been together for 4 years...sounds like you dont live together. Sounds like the relationship may be exactly the same as it was when you first got together. One thing I know is that routine can destroy a mans happiness. They need to have spontaninaty and they need to be stimulated. Mentally, emotionally, and physically. I get like that to. I say change that routine. If you choose to have sex then that could be a great way to loosen things up. There has to be something you can do. Stand your ground and express to him that you are worried and that you want a better relationship. You deserve to be happy just like he does. Be totally honest and not afraid to hurt his feelings. You never know...he probably feels the same way you do.

So how have things been going with you two?
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