Medical Questions > Pregnancy Forum > Teen Pregnancy Forum

Girlfriend Pregnant with Another Man's Child (Page 1)

I'm 18, and my 17 year old girlfriend is pregnant. The complicated part is that we've been together for around 2 months, and she is about 3 months along with the ex-boyfriend's child. Obviously it wasn't what either of us were planning when she found out last week. But we love each other, and I'm prepared to make whatever sacrifices necessary to stay by her side. I could use any advice really, but the main thing I need to know is whether or not the father can get full custody. He's 18, dropped out of high school, and is currently unemployed, and I know courts usually side with the mother. But obviously she's scared of losing her baby, and we need to be able to put her fears to rest. Thanks in advance for any information or links.
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replied January 13th, 2008
Extremely eHealthy
Why in the world does she think anyone will take her baby away from her?
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replied January 13th, 2008
She's worried about the father fighting over custody constantly and that kind of thing basically. Because from what she has told me, he'll try to pull some stuff just to hurt her basically. Honestly I don't know what's going to happen. I don't know enough about custody issues to know.
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replied January 13th, 2008
Active User, very eHealthy
I take it then that she's deffinately made up her mind to keep the baby? If she's already that concerned about custody issues then she should contact an an attorney who can advise her on the best route to ensure a peaceful existence between her, the ex, and the baby. Has he made threats or is she just assuming that he'll be difficult? Good for you for being such a noble man....you've got a long and rocky road ahead of you and I wish you the best of luck.
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replied January 13th, 2008
lele25 wrote:
I take it then that she's deffinately made up her mind to keep the baby? If she's already that concerned about custody issues then she should contact an an attorney who can advise her on the best route to ensure a peaceful existence between her, the ex, and the baby. Has he made threats or is she just assuming that he'll be difficult? Good for you for being such a noble man....you've got a long and rocky road ahead of you and I wish you the best of luck.


First of all, thanks for the kind words. Yes, she's definitely having the baby. She said she couldn't go through with an abortion, and she just couldn't go through the pregnancy and then give up the child. I wouldn't have made the same decision, but I support her one-hundred percent. As far as the father goes, I'm actually not really that sure. We have a lot to talk about still, obviously. I've already thought about the attorney, I just don't know how we'll afford it.

Thank you.
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replied January 13th, 2008
Extremely eHealthy
You won't need an attorney. It sounds like he did not want her to go through with the pregnancy, because his life will be ruined. He has to pay her for 18 YEARS for child support for a child he did not want. Guys say things out of desperation in these types of situations. I'm sure he said something to her like, "If you go through with this (pregnancy), I'll make your life miserable. I'll drag you into court every week and fight you for custody", etc., etc.


If she agrees to not go after him for support, and let's him wash his hands completely and have nothing to do with the child, he'll probably go away. But, on the other hand, if she does that, she can never get support from the government, because you have to give the father's name and the government goes after the guy for support.

That obviously makes sense, because why should other people, taxpayers, have to pay for their child?

I could be wrong, but it sure fits the scenario I've seen before.
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replied January 13th, 2008
Extremely eHealthy
P.S. She should document all of his threats. If he does it in person, or on the phone, or any other way than in writing, she should keep a journal of it, and write in it:

On Friday, February 1, at 10pm, so and so said this to me:

Something like that. She can shoe in court that he threatened to take her child away before it was even born.
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replied January 14th, 2008
Extremely eHealthy
if you would like to personall PM me I have alot of "speaking from personal experience advice to give you"

other than that. Is the bio father aware she is pregnant? does he want to be involved? the most he would be able to get with a good attorney or based on your state laws would be 50-50... but he has to be proven as a fit parent, have a built income, and willing to debate custody. Going thru mediation seeing his current state she would get the majority of custody. If by any means she wants to choose the alternative route... she can choose NOW to opt him out of the picture by all means. Choosing not to have him on the birth certificate and ignore him from her life... but that is a life long decision she would have to make now. He would have to petition thru the courts demanding her to give him a paternity test and her allow it... without him having any connections to the child in order to prove he is the father and then gain custody... but by all means she is allowed to deny it and say she is unaware of her her childs biological father is...

Good luck! and keep us updated!

Whats state do you live in? You should start looking up the laws in your state currently... 90% of all documents are available online for your viewing pleasure! Educate yourself and your gf now and if this ever does go to mediation/court you will have that on your shoulders!
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replied January 14th, 2008
Experienced User
futureshock wrote:
But, on the other hand, if she does that, she can never get support from the government, because you have to give the father's name and the government goes after the guy for support.

That obviously makes sense, because why should other people, taxpayers, have to pay for their child?

I could be wrong, but it sure fits the scenario I've seen before.


This is not always the case. When I had my first son when I was a teen even though I knew who his father was I never put him or anyone else on his birth cert. He was in another state and because of some of his issues and hie family issues I did not want anything to do with him or his family. So I never put him down. And for the short time I had my son I did get assistance and even tho they asked who the father was I said I don't know and because there was no one listed on his cert. they never went further with that. And he still got covered for medical care.

Now if the father is known and/or listed on the cert. yes they will go after him for child support. The only way around that is the above scenario or to have him sign away his rights which is pretty easy and cheap to do. When I gave guardianship over to my mom all we did is write a contract up and had it notarized. And that was it. And in that 10 years my mom had him on medicaid when her and my step dad was out of work (its not medicaid but a state insurance that she pays for kinda like medicaid) and they have never gone after me for child support and I am on the cert.
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replied January 14th, 2008
Especially eHealthy
RebelCats wrote:
futureshock wrote:
But, on the other hand, if she does that, she can never get support from the government, because you have to give the father's name and the government goes after the guy for support.

That obviously makes sense, because why should other people, taxpayers, have to pay for their child?

I could be wrong, but it sure fits the scenario I've seen before.


This is not always the case. When I had my first son when I was a teen even though I knew who his father was I never put him or anyone else on his birth cert. He was in another state and because of some of his issues and hie family issues I did not want anything to do with him or his family. So I never put him down. And for the short time I had my son I did get assistance and even tho they asked who the father was I said I don't know and because there was no one listed on his cert. they never went further with that. And he still got covered for medical care.

Now if the father is known and/or listed on the cert. yes they will go after him for child support. The only way around that is the above scenario or to have him sign away his rights which is pretty easy and cheap to do. When I gave guardianship over to my mom all we did is write a contract up and had it notarized. And that was it. And in that 10 years my mom had him on medicaid when her and my step dad was out of work (its not medicaid but a state insurance that she pays for kinda like medicaid) and they have never gone after me for child support and I am on the cert.


Insurance isn't the issue. It is when the mother of the child gets a cash grant and/or food stamps. That child is ENTITLED to recieve child support and in a very lot of cases (especially now with the sweeping changes in welfare reform!), you are required to make at the very least an attempt to have a child support case.
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replied January 14th, 2008
Experienced User
And they did make an attempt they asked I said I didn't know and there was nothing listed on his cert. So they did not push the issue. And frankly even if they tried to get anything from the loser they could not have anyways.
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replied January 14th, 2008
Especially eHealthy
RebelCats wrote:
And they did make an attempt they asked I said I didn't know and there was nothing listed on his cert. So they did not push the issue. And frankly even if they tried to get anything from the loser they could not have anyways.


I was a manager in a low income housing project and by Federal Law, we were REQUIRED to make sure the people were making an attempt to collect everything they were due (IE, child support). That meant, if they did not have a child support case, they needed to go get one. There were girls who said they didn't want money from there ex, etc. But it wasn't about the mother wanting the money. It is about what is due to the child.

Anytime the father files a tax return, guess who gets the money? Anytime the father applies for a job and has to use his ss number, guess who gets their share of that money? Fathers are also required to carry insurance on their child and pay for a percentage of medical and dental bills.

Kids are cheaper when they are younger, they grow up and get more and more expensive. Smile Kids deserve to get the child support that is due to them.

The same goes for DSHS cash grants. If you can't claim who the father is, you can get denied monies.
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replied January 14th, 2008
Experienced User
Ingi wrote:

Anytime the father files a tax return, guess who gets the money? Anytime the father applies for a job and has to use his ss number, guess who gets their share of that money? Fathers are also required to carry insurance on their child and pay for a percentage of medical and dental bills.



In a perfect world this happens. Do you know how many men will just refuse to work or get paid under the table to avoid just what you described? In the case of my ex he is now 33 almost 34 and has never held a job. He gets his money from borrowing from friends, scheming, or dealing drugs. I know that currently dealing is how he makes his money because he was just busted as a coke dealer in the state I am from (public records is how I found out).

And my story is not the only one like that.
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replied January 14th, 2008
Especially eHealthy
RebelCats wrote:
Ingi wrote:

Anytime the father files a tax return, guess who gets the money? Anytime the father applies for a job and has to use his ss number, guess who gets their share of that money? Fathers are also required to carry insurance on their child and pay for a percentage of medical and dental bills.



In a perfect world this happens. Do you know how many men will just refuse to work or get paid under the table to avoid just what you described? In the case of my ex he is now 33 almost 34 and has never held a job. He gets his money from borrowing from friends, scheming, or dealing drugs. I know that currently dealing is how he makes his money because he was just busted as a coke dealer in the state I am from (public records is how I found out).

And my story is not the only one like that.


I know your story isn't the only one like that. My ex husband owed me over $20,000 in back child support. I KNOW what it is like to live without money that is due to you and your child. But the reality is it is a Federally Mandated LAW that requires for the father's to be held responsible so that every tax payer in the nation doesn't get a tax bill for these loser's children. (I'm including my own ex husband as a loser here)
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replied January 14th, 2008
Yes, the father wants to be involved. He lives with his mother, and they said she could live with them. But she doesn't want to, I mean he's just not a good guy and that's not the life she wants. At the same time, I'm really worrying about all of the scenarios here and how we're going to work out. She will be getting Medicaid this week which will take care of medical expenses. I'm going to look into welfare, HUD, and any other program can find. I just hope we're doing the right thing. We both have a lot to think about.
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replied January 14th, 2008
Experienced User
Well I don't know what state you are in but I think with HUD she would have to apply and I don't know if a boyfriend can live with her (like not the father type situation). Foodstamps same deal just her and the baby and nor suppose to be for anyone else. WIC is another option for her.
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replied January 14th, 2008
Especially eHealthy
USMfan89 wrote:
Yes, the father wants to be involved. He lives with his mother, and they said she could live with them. But she doesn't want to, I mean he's just not a good guy and that's not the life she wants. At the same time, I'm really worrying about all of the scenarios here and how we're going to work out. She will be getting Medicaid this week which will take care of medical expenses. I'm going to look into welfare, HUD, and any other program can find. I just hope we're doing the right thing. We both have a lot to think about.


You both do have a lot to think about. Like the rest of your lives in addition to this new little person. You also haven't been together very long. These are huge steps you are taking. Please make sure to think them out well before you leap.

Good luck!
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replied January 14th, 2008
Not being together long isn't what bothers me. We both know how each other feels. Unfortunately there's way more factors than just our feelings. The fact that we love each other doesn't solve the problems we're going to be facing. I'm just trying to think of all the possible scenarios that can/will happen and I just have to work out a plan so that we can work out. Because I'm not just thinking about how it's going to effect me, I also have to think about what's really going to be best for her and her baby.

I know I've heard of centers that offer help to pregnant teens and people in situations like this. I wonder if maybe we can find some kind of counselor that can talk us through everything.
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replied January 14th, 2008
Extremely eHealthy
You sound like a pretty smart guy.

How did her ex even find out about the pregnancy?
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replied January 14th, 2008
futureshock wrote:
You sound like a pretty smart guy.

How did her ex even find out about the pregnancy?


She told him. I mean it is his, he deserves to know. Part of what makes this more complicated is that he actually wants to be involved. Well at least he does know. When his life has to actually change he might think differently. But for now, he wants to actually be a father to the child, which I suppose is good, because every child deserves that. But it also makes things more complicated.
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