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anorexia for years, never satisfied

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As long as I can remember. IĀ“m 37 and not over it yet. I have a fair weight now. IĀ“m a kick boxing blue belt working hard for the green one. Boxing has kept me alive, I eat Ā“cause I have to be strong but every bite is a torture and a sense of guilt that never goes away. People around me think that I m over it but all that I think about is that I have to try never give up or I will die...I feel fat even when u can see my muscles.Its never enough, its never good, never satisfied never feel ok. Every body talks about young girls with anorexia, I m a woman and I just know I will never recover from it, my doctor told me so. He said that u can reach a point of no return. Am I there? I fight every day and the pain is my best friend so that I can feel my body. I donĀ“t like to eat in front of others, I donĀ“t like to watch people feeding. I have gastritis and sometimes it hurts really bad. But I like it so it will keep me from eating even when I m not really hungry. I ve got lots of demons to deal with...but I try not to hurt those that I love and I just keep it to myself. Had breakfast today, I trained for about 3 hours, eat some rice and I think later IĀ“ll have some sushi rolls. Today is friday, sunday is my brotherĀ“s birthday, no cake for me.
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replied March 17th, 2008
Experienced User
it s so great to know u dont starve urself as u did before and do sport. I have been anorexic my BMI was 16.9 or less. and i know what does it mean to eat sushi for an anorexic...this is a victory,congrats. No cake? i am no more anorexic and bulimic and even i hesitate to eat a cake, this is not a healthy food, so enjoy the party . A joy and love is a great help!!!
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