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Why Doesnt Time Heal My Broken Heart?

Ive been in love with the same girl for close to 6 years now and i simply cannot get over her. When i met her i was 20 years old and had been an alcoholic for a few years. She was separated from her husband at the time that i met her, but kind of going through trying to get back to together with him and then changing her mind back and forth. I started having an affair with her(we didnt have sex throughout the affair though, just making out and stuff) and she started to become obsessed with me and said that she would marry me when i told her i wanted to. I really wasnt in love with her until about a month after we had that conversation. As soon as i fell in love with her, things got really bad really fast. She told me that she had just been in lust with me and not really in love. This hurt me and i started to become way too obsessed with her. 4 years went by through lots of arguments, jealousy(on my part), good friendship and bad friendship, a really good relationship with her children, and a lot of really hard personal being there for each other type of stuff, and after all of that i finally stopped drinking. I was sober for a year and a half, and had really only talked to her for only several months out of that year and a half. We hadnt talked for about 6 or 7 months until a couple months ago when her brother(also my good friend) attempted suicide and possibly was going to die from liver damage. Everything in my life was going okay at least until i started to talk to her. Of course at first i was excited to talk to her(also sad cuz of her brother but still i knew i loved her and wanted to talk to her) and very happy that we were friends again. But slowly but surely i started my obsession with her again and there is no positive anything about anything that happens between us. Our friendship always end the same way, me getting jealous and suspiscious of her being with other guys, even though weve never even really been together. I constantly feel like she lies to me and i just feel really hurt by all of it all the time. I started drinking again and this is very dangerous for my physical health, as i was diagnosed with alcohol induced hepatitis and if i keep drinking for another year or maybe less, i could very well get cirrhosis and then i would just die. Im already extremely suicidal when i drink and the only thing that stops me from killing myself is my fear of not going to heaven if i do. Ive tried liking other women, tried being with other women, and no matter how much i try or how many girls i try to like to get over her, nothing works. Nothing i do makes me like anyone else or gets rid of the pain in my heart for her or the disturbing thoughts about her with other men. I seriously wish i could give myself amnesia like in eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, or go into hybernation and simply not be conscious for anything in my life. Is there anyone out there who has NEVER been able to get over someone they love. If so how do you survive? She was my first and only love, and im not talking sexually, im saying she is the only woman i have ever been in love with and i cant see how it is possible for me to ever love another woman, or ever letting go of the idea of someday being with her.
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replied January 12th, 2008
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Re: Why Doesnt Time Heal My Broken Heart?
I'm sorry you're going through such pain.

First off, I'm old enough to be your mom's age so I can offer you the benefit of my experience.

I'm really not certain how long you've been apart from her. It sounds like you have additional baggage and things you need to sort out. Regardless, my advice would be the same.

First off, you must realize that you can't go through this alone. You need professional help (emotional and physical) and it would be a good idea to develop new friendships.

It's perfectly OK to mourn the loss of a relationship but alcohol is not the friend you want to spend time with. You realize you're trading one toxic situation for another.

Suicide is also not the way out, but I was like that many years ago and what kept me from not doing it was that I wouldn't go to heaven either.

Anyway, I don't know where you're from but this season in the Northern Hemisphere has a high amount of Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). I have it. The farther north you go the higher the prevalance. It's possible that SAD would be a confounder right now. Meds help (see a mental health professional) but there is a system you can purchase (search for Seasonal Affective Disorder on the net) that mimic maximum sunlight. Sunlight, I believe, stimulates melatonin which is associated with positive feelings (but search for SAD and you'll get the correct information).

Back in 1980, I broke up with my "First True Love" after being togther for just over four years (we were going to be married five years to the day after we met). I knew it was coming but when it did come it was still devastating. My mom couldn't stand him so I couldn't go to her about it. I was fortunate because I had a great support network made up of both males and females. It took me between six and 9 months to get over it.

What kind of support network do you have? It's really hard to reach out right now because your nerves are raw, and I'd be happy to hear from you via PM, but I'm not someone you could call and have over and watch movies and eat popcorn. You really need to develop a group of friends with whom you can spend time and get a lift from your extreme sadness.

How about taking up a new hobby or exercising? Do something positive for yourself instead of beating yourself up with alcohol. What have you always wanted to do? Now's the time to do it. You'll meet new people with whom you'll have at least one thing in common and friendships develop from there. Most importantly, before you can be friends with someone else you have to be friends with yourself. If you don't like yourself (and I don't mean want to change some bad habits), you'll never like anyone else.

Nothing that's forced can ever be right--if it doesn't come naturally leave it. Trying to make yourself like another woman right away. That's nothing more than a one-night-stand and all you'll feel is lonely. All relationships start out as friendships and friendships have to develop over time. I hated waiting for time to pass, I wanted my comfort now! But it doesn't work that way.

Consider keeping a diary and just pour your feelings out as often as you need to. I did that after several heartbreaks and it helped immensely. When you're emotionally healthy again you can re-read it to see what kind of lessons you've learned.

Try to find some joy in each day. Something small--a song that brings you happiness, freshly-fallen snow (if you live in the northern hemisphere), a sunrise or a sunset, re-read a book you've enjoyed, rent a DVD for something you liked. Just something that helps you to realize that there is joy in sadness.

I'm sorry if this is rambling but I'm writing as I'm thinking.

Good luck and keep posting. Feel free to PM me if you want (but please write in multiple paragraphs. It makes reading much easier.).
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replied May 28th, 2009
Re: Why Doesnt Time Heal My Broken Heart?
Hi Ickiwon
I see your post was more than a year ago so I hope you have found some sort of solace in your life. I doubt that you will ever read this but in the interests of anyone else who finds themselves in a similar position I will attempt to give you some advice.
You may be looking in the wrong place for love or peace of mind, this girl is clearly not the answer to your problems so let her go. You need to get to the bottom of your low self esteem and realise that you are worth love and respect. But before you expect anyone else to give you love you need to start loving yourself. As you probably know there is no love at the bottom of a glass so you need to sort that out first. Get some professional help and follow their advice. Life is a gift that can be filled with joy so long as you grab it with both hands. Don't waste it, get some help, learn to love and respect yourself then you can have the reward of a loving relationship.
Finally, love is what you give in life and NOT how you feel. Give love and you will receive it. Good luck.

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replied May 28th, 2009
Yes I know exactly how you feel. I fell in love with a girl when I was only 17. We dated on and off for a while. Finally we just drifted apart. I always thought we would end up together. We both got married and had kids. Things have a funny way of working out. I would never trade my life now for something I was chasing back then. I still think of her from time to time. You never get over your first love I guess. Hope your doing better
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replied May 29th, 2009
hey, ever had that kind of love: yes
hey ,

I just wanted to let you know eventually it does happen. You do fall out of love with someone. I really "loved" someone for 6 years also. Until I continued to date and date, but it wasn't until I met my ex-boyfriend where I realized that love I felt, the love that does not get returned, is not something I wanted anymore. Sometimes it takes another person for you to realize it, sometimes you have to let go of the past and see her in the present. You can;t hold on to what people were, because its gone. Look at them now, really look at them, is that what you want? Your love to never be returned, maybe only sometimes, constant worry she is lying? And when you meet someone new, it won't be the same love, it will be different but still just as amazing. Wishing for the same type of love won;t happen, but a better love might. be strong. I know its hard and believe me I went through ALOT of frogs before I found someone I eventually fell in love with. You will too, just lose the "never" word from your dictionary, because just as random and fast she came into your life so will someone else.
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replied June 30th, 2010
my dear, we a in the same shoes. I loved a man who i knew from childhood. we where together for about a year and he impregnanted a girl behind my back who on a day i spent my night at his place the girl gave birth to a son. Actually he drove tht girl to the hospital for delievery and my own money ws used for fuel and i only got to knw about ths months later. I will neva forgive brian.Zambia chililabombwe.
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replied November 18th, 2011
cant get over my ex
ive been split up with my ex over a year now, she still lives in the house i got for us and im back at my parents an simply cant get used to it. it was a lovely big house we had. i think of her everyday and night especially when im in bed alone which is 24/7. i messed up too many times by being selfish and taking her for greanted aswell as not acknowledging her wee lad. i havnt met anyone since and dont really want to she was the best thing that ever happened to me, so loyal, funny, generous and smart. i hate myself for hurting her all the time, i never slept with anyone behind her back but kissed a girl at the start of the relationship, it lasted 3 seconds and meant nothing but i had to come clean. we were meant to marry in june this year i should have been well settled by now, since i broke up with her everything has went downhill, i lost a good job and hit the drink everyday and always breaking down. i never associate with anyone now i dont know if its because i always go on about how much i miss her etc and people just dont want to know. i have tried various things to get past this such as look and apply for countless jobs, medication, counselling, long walks, the gym, running, ice skating, bowling god you name it. shes constantly on my mind and the thought of her with someone else is tearin me apart i just think well i guess im going to be like this forever as it hasnt got one bit easier. she was pregnant with twins lost one and aborted the other, it was mainly my decision as the child would have been brougfht up on her terms as she is a catholic and i felt i wouldnt have had a say in much. on the night she was going for the abortion i had been drinking the night before and came back to our house at the time still drinkling right through as she was leaving for work later that day i fell asleep woke to find she had gone. i felt horrible and wanted to end it all. she never forgave me for it and never will as ill never forgive myself, i have too many regrets to live with aswell as tons of guilt i just want to end my life ive tried on several occasions but failed as im useless at everything. i have nothing, nobody anymore when once i had it all, nice car house great girl and a good job once its impossible to live now like this. not sure any advice will be much help.
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