Medical Questions > Mental Health > Schizophrenia Forum

the Struggle For Insight...

The more I read, the more the questions seem to pile up and the farther I get from understanding the truth. All the knowledge that I thought I once possessed, seems to have faded. There's tons of information, but there doesn't seem to be any knowledge. You take away all the bnllsh$t and what's left... Nothing. You're led blindly into one dark alley after another and each time it turns out to be a dead end, or you end up circling back to the very spot from which you started... still lost. After a while, there doesn't seem to be a way out. Forever lost on the road of uncertainty. But of course you don't give up, you struggle along and try one promising path after the other. There are an infinite amount of possibilities, or at least that's what it seems to be. After a while you find yourself face to face with a guide. Someone, or even something that claims that they know the way out. Funny how they haven't left. You follow and they end up crawling inside a box and remain content in their small world. Yes, a way out into all six sides of certainty. They are home and there's no room for you, so of you go...searching. Searching for your home.

I don't know where I'm going with this, so I'll just ask a simple question...

Doesn't mental illness seem to be one's "imagination gone haywire"?

Sure it's obvious and all that... it's just, I've been diagnosed with schizophrenia a total of 3 times and it just seems fake. I just don't get it and there doesn't seem to be anybody who does.

There are people who've been diagnosed and never showed any signs after the initial episode and relapsed years later, or never relapsed at all. Others relapsed more while on prescriptions (there have been studies on this - yes, it does seem unethical). There's a whole variety of different cases out there. There are the common ones and the excepts. There seems to be a correlation between the rise of mentally ill cases and the rise in the mental health industry. You tell a person who's had a nervous breakdown that their ill and they'll start researching, maybe even expecting the symptoms -
dare I say: influencing?

It's confusing and there doesn't seem to be a way out of this... maze.

...And pills are like a temporary box, or worse... a deep holw, with an opening.

Ugh!
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replied December 31st, 2007
Experienced User
Schizophrenia is the last frontier.
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replied December 31st, 2007
Active User, very eHealthy
It's not my imagination gone haywire.
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replied December 31st, 2007
If you're willing... I'd like to know how does your illness manifest?
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replied January 1st, 2008
naomi48,

It kinda sounds like you're implying that a mental illness comes and goes. Sure, it does, in sorta the same way that a person who has cancer has their good days and their bad days. According to the doctors, the more normal, or the better my mind seems to work (personally), the sicker I become (a stronger manifestation in intensity...if you will). So, the more I think, I think and the better my mind seems to work is when my "illness" is said to manifest more strongly. Which makes absolutely no sense to me, because that to myself means - when I'm normal is when my brain feels damaged. Or similarly - it's when I don't have the same insights and depth of thought as I do when I feel that I can think well (-and this can be perceived as my lose of insight into my own illness... which I doubt strongly.). Moreover, when I'm "sick", I can think better, the only problem is that I have a hard time expressing myself. When I take the time to express myself, it becomes clear and makes sense to other people, but this can be extremely tedious at times and other people don't want to go through all that mental work. It seems that people don't like to think! Heck, I don't at times, but I feel the need to go through everything. There's no other way to reach the truth. I don't want to live blindly, I want to understand everything. Is that so wrong... or sick? People make it difficult.

It may seem that I'm in denial. However, too little information is know about this illness, so why should I believe something that might eventually turnout to be something of a different nature. * D-a-m-n! *

I know that the pills aren't the way. I don't like them... at all! THEY ARE NO GOOD! (for me)

Btw, it seems that once I started realizing I was ill, is when I would doubt myself and it's when things started to get out of hand - ex. I stopped enjoying the things I once used to enjoy for fear of being "uncovered" as abnormal.

It's kinda sad... Oh well, life goes on and nobody cares (they really don't). The more progress I seem to make with explaining something to say a friend, the more I'm messing with that persons personal view of things... and it's not a good idea. I'm all alone... even when surrounded by people.

I was once much different socially (more extroverted), but I feel that's it was because I didn't realize what and how thinking is and works.

Your honest opinion... ?
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replied January 1st, 2008
Why is it, when I write about things of this sort, no one seems to understand what I'm taking about and if they do, then why do they not respond? Am I making no sense, is there something wrong with writing about these issues?

I understand that these are my "issues" and should probably be kept to myself... then what is the point to these forums?

I recently started posting on forums, because these so-called issues started to manifest... yet, I don't believe I need "professional" help, because these are fundamental issues and should be understood to the best of one's abilities. Do you get what I'm saying?

Ever since I started writing here, I have not received any useful responses, nor any sort of understanding that would make me think that I'm not retarded... or whatever. Well... I'm kinda sure that I'm not retarded, though, one can never be sure.

Maybe, I'm just too weird, or honest for the "weird" forums? How else should I make sense of it?
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replied January 1st, 2008
Especially eHealthy
Frank-

What are you looking for (as far as useful responses)? No, mental illness such as schizophrenia is not your imagination gone haywire, it's your an illness of your brain. Like you said, like cancer.

I understand you don't believe you need professional help. I personally think you do.

Maybe there is a way we can be of more help, or maybe you just need to vent. That's fine too, let us know.
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replied January 1st, 2008
Extremely eHealthy
Re: the Struggle For Insight...
Frank, are any of the symptoms you are experiencing interfering with your life/job/career/social functioning?

Is your family expressing concern over your "issues"?

It's hard to have insight into your own thoughts, but if others are expressing their concerns, or if your actions are negatively impacting your other functions, then there are issues there that a professional may be able to help you with.

Keep posting!
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replied January 2nd, 2008
Quote:
Why is it, when I write about things of this sort, no one seems to understand what I'm taking about and if they do, then why do they not respond? Am I making no sense, is there something wrong with writing about these issues?


In reading between the lines in your posts, you seem to be expressing a lot of anger and frustration, and looking more for a "yeah buddy, I totally hear you" rather than any sort of practical way to achieve an evidence-based treatment.

But you know what? You're right. You can view SZ as "fake", not get treatment, be angry and resentful, and have your mind ruled by dark thoughts, voices, and a lack of executive functioning.

It sounds like that isn't what you want, though. But nor have you been able to resolve it, despite reaching out for help.

So what are you truly angry about? That SZ isn't "real"? Or that your mind has been crippled when others' have not, and that your attempts to treat your symptoms have met with failure, and that you felt let down by your doctor(s)?

Look, you've been dealt a crappy hand, and I wouldn't want to play it in your place. But it is the hand you've been dealt, and you have to deal with it. You can externalize that into anger towards others, but at the end of the day, you're just going to have all your existing damage and be angry and isolated to boot.

No poster here is going to make you give up that anger, you have to choose to for yourself. No poster here is going to find a panacea that will fix all that is wrong for you. And very few posters are going to agree with your anger, because they do not share your frustrating experiences you haven't resolved yet.

Exactly where do you want things to go in your future? And where will they go if you continue your current path? In jail? A psychiatric ward? Happy and functioning well? You make your choices, and your choices make you.
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replied January 2nd, 2008
Especially eHealthy
Anyone dealing with a mental illness has a right to be frustrated by it and question it. It's rough.
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replied January 2nd, 2008
Experienced User
Frank, I agree with some of the things you say. The mind is an intricate thing, and it is during my psychotic episode and thereafter that the extent of this truth has revealed itself to me. No, people do not want to engage on that level, because they would rather keep things nice and simple, be able to do their simple tasks and enjoy some beer and TV the remainder of the time. However, just because you might see the intricacy of things doesn't mean you're not sick. I did misread your previous post and I thought you might be on medication, so sorry about that. But I still think that if you leave yourself to contemplate the intricacy of things, including your illness, on your own and shunning all "help", you might do something very regretful.

I hope you'll keep posting. Now I have to go, but I'll be back.
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replied January 2nd, 2008
Experienced User
I don't think there's a real way out of this illness, whatever it may be. You said you are looking high and low for answers. However, there will be always (in this lifetime) more questions than answers. The structure of my psychotic episode as well as some other clues made me partly understand my own illness, but my experience of the illness seems to strongly diverge with others' experience of their own illness. So I don't think there is ONE answer to schizophrenia, at least not one that would include me. You say you don't believe in this illness. I think it's more a class of symptoms than one specific illness per se. In the future, then, if any progress will be made, I expect the extinction of the name "schizophrenia" and a further analysis of the symptoms into different categories and better treatment. For now, schiz. is just a bag of unknown causes and relations. THIS DOES NOT MEAN YOU'RE NOT SICK. Forget the name of the illness and what you disagree with it. Generally do you feel well? I don't think so.
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replied January 3rd, 2008
Georgia59,
Quote:
What are you looking for (as far as useful responses)?


I was probably looking for a miracle. Something or someone which would understand and offer me some sort of hidden or missing knowledge which would fill and complete the puzzle... That's essentially what I'm feeling at the moment - incomplete. Like a circuit board with a portion that's been fried and is no longer working properly. Endanger to further damage if correction aren't made.

Schizophrenia is a degenerative (brain or mental? - same thing?) illness. What makes it so? How could something that seems to work well on the biological level, suddenly, start deteriorating mentally?

Quote:
No, mental illness such as schizophrenia is not your imagination gone haywire, it's your an illness of your brain. Like you said, like cancer.


Why not? ...Imagination gone haywire seems to be a common symptom. In fact, all the common symptoms in schizophrenia can be imagined. After all, mental illness is a "mental" illness. They have no concrete evidence that there are any physical symptoms present. It would be pretty ridiculous if none existed. I wonder what that would mean...?

Quote:
I understand you don't believe you need professional help. I personally think you do.


From my posts? ...It's bad enough that people judge in the real world!

I think it has to do with survival.

Quote:
Maybe there is a way we can be of more help, or maybe you just need to vent. That's fine too, let us know.


Vent... Is that like complaining to someone, except on another level - cyber complaining?

Basically, I want someone to tell me something that I don't know. Otherwise, there is absolutely no point to posting here... I could go for the raw truth... no sugar pls!

Birch,
Quote:
Frank, are any of the symptoms you are experiencing interfering with your life/job/career/social functioning?


Yes. But, a lot of it has to do with my perception of myself among others - the norm. I believe that if I was never exposed to mental illness, then I wouldn't have these types of so-called problem. Mind over matter?

Quote:
Is your family expressing concern over your "issues"?


Not in anyway which I'd imagine a family to... They mostly think that I'm being lazy and pretending like there's something wrong in order to justify my laziness.

Quote:
It's hard to have insight into your own thoughts, but if others are expressing their concerns, or if your actions are negatively impacting your other functions, then there are issues there that a professional may be able to help you with.


I know what you mean. However, if I don't have the insight into my own mind, then no one else will. If I lose that insight, then others are free to guess... but not until then!

Frangible,
Quote:
In reading between the lines in your posts, you seem to be expressing a lot of anger and frustration, and looking more for a "yeah buddy, I totally hear you" rather than any sort of practical way to achieve an evidence-based treatment.


This reminds me of the time when my buddies and I went to go see a psychic. The woman was so kind that we couldn't admit to lying. All in all, she made obvious, logically-consistent, conclusions, which would be dead-on... IF, we hadn't lied.

Another thing: I'm truly not an angry person. It may seem that someone in my situation, with my past, would be... I'm not.

Quote:
Or that your mind has been crippled when others' have not,


Crippled... how so? -- A few months ago, I returned to further my education and I was one of the brightest in my classes. I know this, because it was evident through my participation in class and through my marks. I didn't have a problem answering the teachers questions. No. The problem lied in interacting with other people on a personal level. IMO the interferences which went on between the students (before, during and after class) consisted of stupidity. They don't listen, instead they make things difficult for the people that are paying attention and when they're done, they realize that they've missed the instructions, so they further bother the ones who know what they're doing (the ones who payed attention) by asking for help. I used to be the idiot that talked - karmic, eh?

Quote:
and that your attempts to treat your symptoms have met with failure


No, not entirely. Btw, do you have a mental illness?

Quote:
and that you felt let down by your doctor(s)?


Yeah... I feel let down by the mental health profession. The lack of knowledge is discomforting.

Quote:
Look, you've been dealt a crappy hand, and I wouldn't want to play it in your place. But it is the hand you've been dealt, and you have to deal with it.


...Hey, there's always the option of folding!

You keep writing about anger. It's not true. Sure, everyone gets angry sometimes, but I'm one of those people who likes to think through the problem... It's been a long time since I last lost my temper.

Quote:
Exactly where do you want things to go in your future?


It just so happens that I want to become a doctor.

Philo,
Quote:
For now, schiz. is just a bag of unknown causes and relations. THIS DOES NOT MEAN YOU'RE NOT SICK. Forget the name of the illness and what you disagree with it. Generally do you feel well? I don't think so.


I do hear you, Philo (in the non-psychotic sense, heh.).

The so-called symptoms don't mean that I am sick. For ex. I never knew that I was hearing voices until the doctor confirmed that I was. Weird? You betcha!

I don't hear or see anything which I am not in control of. I am aware that it is all imagined. If you think otherwise, then you either know too little, or you're just lying to yourself. It's funny how being labeled SZ, justifies our behavior....Or lack of successs and so on.

The mind is complex, so who's to say it's not all in the mind?
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replied January 4th, 2008
Experienced User
I don't think that one piece of information you're looking for exists. Schizophrenia is very sly and mysterious, it probably operates that way because of that one missing piece. It seems so meaningful, yet always incomplete. You're still in the hopeful stage. Myself, I'm in the "given up" stage, although I do get inspired sometimes by the near logic of the sickness and start looking for the answer that does not exist.
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replied January 4th, 2008
frank
i understand. hah.
i could go on forever, but im not in that kind of mood. i just wanted to say i think a lot like you do.
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replied January 5th, 2008
Supporter
it is better to know that you don't know than not knowing that you don't know.
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replied January 5th, 2008
Experienced User
I think there is a missing piece, That piece is for every person different
U wont find it on the forums nor anywere, U must find it yourself
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