Medical Questions > Pregnancy Forum > Teen Pregnancy Forum

Why Is It So Difficult to Talk to Parents? (Page 1)

Many. many posters say that they are afraid to either tell their parents they might be pregnant, or to tell them they are pregnant. Also, frequently posters will ask general questions about sex and birth control, and then thank the posters who replied, while adding something along the lines of, "I could never ask my mom these questions."

What is wrong with parents that they are so unreachable? One reason this surprises me is that I know for a fact that the majority of these parents went through very similar things when they were teens themselves. Most of them were sexually active, and they had trouble communicating with their own parents.
Did you find this post helpful?
|

User Profile
replied December 20th, 2007
because most parents forget about that kinda stuff. i geuss.
i can't really talk to my parents about anything.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

User Profile
replied December 20th, 2007
Extremely eHealthy
My mom and I are extremely close and I still have problems talking about really personal stuff. I don't know what it is. I mean, I couldn't imagine getting some of the advice some people give in the sexual health section from my mom. I love reading the advice, but if my mom was the one giving it, I would feel really uncomfortable.. Very Happy

The unfortunate thing is most parents want to be able to talk about this sort of thing with their kids. My sister told me that my mom was upset when I didn't come to her for birthcontrol questions and opted for an online forum instead. Even though I swear I did go to her, but she changed the subject pretty fast so I thought it wasn't something she wanted to discuss. I think what it was is that I was uncomfortbale and when she brought something else up I just went along with it though and even though she really didn't answer my questions.

However, if I thought I was preg then my mom or sister would be second to know-- first obviously being my partner.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied December 20th, 2007
Experienced User
Sometimes its the parents. When I first got pregnant when I was 16 I went 100 miles away to my moms and called my dad and told him. The reason why is for a long time my dad (in PG terms because he said it very differently) if I ever ever got knocked up I would be out on the street. Because there was no way in heck I was gonna live under his roof as a teenage mother. And there was no way he was ever gonna help me out. I when I did tell him I got called many hateful and cruel things. But in a nut shell I was told I was worthless and never gonna amount to anything and I was gonna be on welfare for the rest of my life. Needless to say now he loves all his grandkids but our relationship will never be like it was. We are more like acquaints now than father daughter.

My mom on the other hand was very kind and helpful. And actually grown stronger now then it was then.

So sometimes it s hard to talk to parents about this stuff. Some just blow up at the near thought pf their kids thinking about sex or being pregnant. And its hard to talk to your parents when you know that will be the outcome.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied December 20th, 2007
Extremely eHealthy
Thanks for those answers. I know one problem is that I know all of the mistakes I made as a teen and it would be painful to watch my own daughter repeat them. It is natural for us to want to protect our children from pain and heartbreak. For example, I don't think any sexual encounter I had as a teen was anywhere near worth the risk of pregnancy and disease that came along with it. So naturally I want my child to avoid those risks as well.

I think parens tell their kids what not to do, so that when the kids do it anyway, they are afraid to tell their parents.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied December 20th, 2007
Experienced User
futureshock wrote:
Thanks for those answers. I know one problem is that I know all of the mistakes I made as a teen and it would be painful to watch my own daughter repeat them. It is natural for us to want to protect our children from pain and heartbreak. For example, I don't think any sexual encounter I had as a teen was anywhere near worth the risk of pregnancy and disease that came along with it. So naturally I want my child to avoid those risks as well.

I think parents tell their kids what not to do, so that when the kids do it anyway, they are afraid to tell their parents.


I think the bigger issue is how that is conveyed. I mean if you tell your child you better not do this or there is some grave punishment if they do. A child is more likely to rebel imo. Where as if you are open honest candid and give them options it will go better.

Example: You best not have sex. And if you do and you get pregnant your out on the street. Because I ain't having no part of that.

That may not be the best way to go about that.

Example:Honey I have been where you are. And IMO I don't think sex at this age is worth the risk. There is the risk of pregnancy, stds etc. But if you think you are ready or close to being ready let me know. We will discuss BC options and get you some before anything happens. And by the way do you know about condoms and how to use one.

Now that I think is a better way to handle it then the first example. I would steer away from going the route of "Learn from my mistakes" because IMO that just does not work. My mom went that route (and I was honest with her on my sex habits). And yet I was still pregnant before I was 17.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

User Profile
replied December 20th, 2007
Extremely eHealthy
RebelCats wrote:
futureshock wrote:
Thanks for those answers. I know one problem is that I know all of the mistakes I made as a teen and it would be painful to watch my own daughter repeat them. It is natural for us to want to protect our children from pain and heartbreak. For example, I don't think any sexual encounter I had as a teen was anywhere near worth the risk of pregnancy and disease that came along with it. So naturally I want my child to avoid those risks as well.

I think parents tell their kids what not to do, so that when the kids do it anyway, they are afraid to tell their parents.


I think the bigger issue is how that is conveyed. I mean if you tell your child you better not do this or there is some grave punishment if they do. A child is more likely to rebel imo. Where as if you are open honest candid and give them options it will go better.

Example: You best not have sex. And if you do and you get pregnant your out on the street. Because I ain't having no part of that.

That may not be the best way to go about that.

Example:Honey I have been where you are. And IMO I don't think sex at this age is worth the risk. There is the risk of pregnancy, stds etc. But if you think you are ready or close to being ready let me know. We will discuss BC options and get you some before anything happens. And by the way do you know about condoms and how to use one.

Now that I think is a better way to handle it then the first example. I would steer away from going the route of "Learn from my mistakes" because IMO that just does not work. My mom went that route (and I was honest with her on my sex habits). And yet I was still pregnant before I was 17.


Uh... do teens really sit through those sex conversations with their parents though? I suppose I really could be the exception but I stopped my mom right away when she tried to give me "the talk". I suppose I'm still considered a teen and I wouldn't want to sit through that conversation even now.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied December 20th, 2007
Extremely eHealthy
RebelCats wrote:


I think the bigger issue is how that is conveyed. I mean if you tell your child you better not do this or there is some grave punishment if they do. A child is more likely to rebel imo. Where as if you are open honest candid and give them options it will go better.

Example: You best not have sex. And if you do and you get pregnant your out on the street. Because I ain't having no part of that.

That may not be the best way to go about that.


Thanks for the advice. It really helps. Now, what went wrong here, with what your dad said to you? Did you not believe him? Did you think about the threat he made before you had sex? I guess I'm wondering why you did it anyway.
RebelCats wrote:

Example:Honey I have been where you are. And IMO I don't think sex at this age is worth the risk. There is the risk of pregnancy, stds etc. But if you think you are ready or close to being ready let me know. We will discuss BC options and get you some before anything happens. And by the way do you know about condoms and how to use one.

Now that I think is a better way to handle it then the first example. I would steer away from going the route of "Learn from my mistakes" because IMO that just does not work. My mom went that route (and I was honest with her on my sex habits). And yet I was still pregnant before I was 17.


Now why didn't her route work? I know for me as a kid, I needed to make my own mistakes (and often did). Was it like that for you, or did it not work for other reasons?
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied December 20th, 2007
Experienced User
It does not have to be a long drawn out birds and this is how babies are made and how to pleasure someone talk. Just a short and to the point conversation on birth control, condoms and such. I think if the lines of conversation are opened sooner these types on conversations are not as difficult. But if you keep silent until 16 and then try yeah its uncomfortable for both parties.

I wish my parents had been more frank with me. I got the learn from my mistakes talk (failed) from on side and I'll kick you out talk(failed) from the other.

I have already somewhat started this line of conversations with my sons. They are almost 8, 6 and 4. The 4 year old not so much. I had 2 cats spayed and neutered in the last year. My 8 yr old wanted to know a lot of details of why the cats had to have this done. And I was honest with them about it and call things by the correct terms. And since that time my oldest has asked a few more questions about those subjects. And yeah I was honest and told him what was appropriate for an 8 year old.

Sad but true kids are talking about this stuff sooner and sooner and I rather them get correct info from me than their friends at school. And no offense look at this board see whats posted that kids are to afraid to talk to their parents about. I would much rather have an open line of communication then get dropped a bomb shell at age 14-15-16 because they did not know anything.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied December 20th, 2007
Experienced User
futureshock wrote:
RebelCats wrote:


I think the bigger issue is how that is conveyed. I mean if you tell your child you better not do this or there is some grave punishment if they do. A child is more likely to rebel imo. Where as if you are open honest candid and give them options it will go better.

Example: You best not have sex. And if you do and you get pregnant your out on the street. Because I ain't having no part of that.

That may not be the best way to go about that.


Thanks for the advice. It really helps. Now, what went wrong here, with what your dad said to you? Did you not believe him? Did you think about the threat he made before you had sex? I guess I'm wondering why you did it anyway.


I don't know why I did not listen. Thinking back I probably thought what a lot of kids thought "that won't happen to me I won't get pregnant"...To flat out I did not care. I wanted to have sex and I did not care if my father made such a threat. Did I think of his threat before sex? Nope sex was on my mind and thats all I thought about.

RebelCats wrote:

Example:Honey I have been where you are. And IMO I don't think sex at this age is worth the risk. There is the risk of pregnancy, stds etc. But if you think you are ready or close to being ready let me know. We will discuss BC options and get you some before anything happens. And by the way do you know about condoms and how to use one.

Now that I think is a better way to handle it then the first example. I would steer away from going the route of "Learn from my mistakes" because IMO that just does not work. My mom went that route (and I was honest with her on my sex habits). And yet I was still pregnant before I was 17.


Now why didn't her route work? I know for me as a kid, I needed to make my own mistakes (and often did). Was it like that for you, or did it not work for other reasons?[/quote]

Pretty much like you. If I was gonna make mistakes I was gonna make them. It did not matter to me what happened to them "because I was different". But in the end I was just like my mother and sisters a young teen mom.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied December 20th, 2007
Especially eHealthy
For me when I thought I might be pregnant, it was the terror of them being angry at me (not for physical reasons) and because I am terrified of disappointing them in any way.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied December 20th, 2007
Especially eHealthy
my mom has always known everything about me
i talk to her about everything and anything

im not afraid of my mom and i hope kristen is never afriad to come to me either


*the BEST person who can help you is your parents*
|
Did you find this post helpful?

User Profile
replied December 20th, 2007
Experienced User
Future, you know my story, the best advice i can give you is don't make sex out to be this big evil unpleasant thing, because your DS will find out otherwise eventually (hopefully later rather than sooner), but if you've made it out to be this bad thing she'll feel like you're unapproachable.

Overall i'd say don't sugarcoat the truth but don't exaggerate it either.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied December 20th, 2007
Extremely eHealthy
My mom and I are very close. I have always been able to tell her anything. She has always told me I can talk to her about anything and she won't get mad/upset/angry whatever because it's already happened and you can't change what's already happened. The first time I had sex I was afraid to tell her because I thought she'd be MAD but when I told her she wasn't upset because you can't change what's already happened. Same thing when I got pregnant... We can talk about anything. We are more like friends than mother and daughter...
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied December 20th, 2007
Especially eHealthy
princess6591 wrote:
My mom and I are very close. I have always been able to tell her anything. She has always told me I can talk to her about anything and she won't get mad/upset/angry whatever because it's already happened and you can't change what's already happened. The first time I had sex I was afraid to tell her because I thought she'd be MAD but when I told her she wasn't upset because you can't change what's already happened. Same thing when I got pregnant... We can talk about anything. We are more like friends than mother and daughter...


same thing with me and my mom!
i just feel like teens shouldnt be afraid to tell thier parents this kinda stuff. expecially IF they are ALREADY pregnant
you CANT hide it from them
and hiding it and waiting wont help the situation. sure your parents may be mad or strict and upset when they first hear it..but ultimately its easier WITH thier help than without it
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied December 20th, 2007
Extremely eHealthy
the_girlfriend wrote:
princess6591 wrote:
My mom and I are very close. I have always been able to tell her anything. She has always told me I can talk to her about anything and she won't get mad/upset/angry whatever because it's already happened and you can't change what's already happened. The first time I had sex I was afraid to tell her because I thought she'd be MAD but when I told her she wasn't upset because you can't change what's already happened. Same thing when I got pregnant... We can talk about anything. We are more like friends than mother and daughter...


same thing with me and my mom!
i just feel like teens shouldnt be afraid to tell thier parents this kinda stuff. expecially IF they are ALREADY pregnant
you CANT hide it from them
and hiding it and waiting wont help the situation. sure your parents may be mad or strict and upset when they first hear it..but ultimately its easier WITH thier help than without it


I agree. And it's not they they will stay mad at you forever because it already happened and they know they can't change that... they will realize you need their help
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied December 20th, 2007
Experienced User
I think a lot of girls shy away because their parents shied away.

How many boys grow up calling penises "wee-wee"s? Girls calling vaginas "hoo-ha"s or whatever other cute term you want to place?

Many kids grow up thinking that their parents are afraid of sex. Kids aren't stupid - they figure out sex a-ok on their own, without parental involvement. Round peg, round hole. Parents tell kids about everything else, but not that. What should a confused and horny 15 year old think?
|
Did you find this post helpful?

User Profile
replied December 20th, 2007
Extremely eHealthy
my mum and i never talked about sex, i learned everything i know from school the internet friends and first hand experiance

we never talked about sex or pregnancy or masturbation or even body parts

what made it even harder to talk to her about stuff is when i was about 12 or so (i had never had sex at this point but i had just learned about masurbation, but i didnt know what it did) my period when wacky and i didnt have a period for about 3 monthes (little did i know i had a huge tumor in my stomach messing it up) she was assuming i was pregnant, and took me to the doctors (i couldnt tell her i wasnt having sex because i wasnt sure if masurbation could classify as sex or if it could cause pregnancy, stupid i know) obviously i wasnt pregnant but she had told me if i EVER got pregnant before i was married and especially before i moved out of her house she would take the baby away from me and not talk to me again

i never felt like i could talk to her and i still to this day dont

~alicia~
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied December 20th, 2007
Extremely eHealthy
Wow Alicia, what is up with your mom???? Seriously, what do you think made her this way? What about your dad?
|
Did you find this post helpful?

User Profile
replied December 20th, 2007
Extremely eHealthy
my father is not in the picture, he did things when i was little that id perfer not to discuss, but he disowned me when i was 3 because of that and has tried to kill me 4 times since (litteraly)

and my mum, honestly i dont know, shes always been like this (twords me, my brothers she is completly different with) id lioke to know myself Smile

~alicia~
|
Did you find this post helpful?
12
Must Read
What happens during labor? What do contractions feel like? And how do I know that labor has begun? Read on to learn about birthing basics....
Signs of labor occur after 36 weeks of pregnancy. Learn about the difference between real and false contractions. Plus, we outline signs of delivery complicati...
Almost all women worry about the pain of childbirth. Preparing for childbirth includes thinking about how you'd like to cope with the pain of labor. Read on for...