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Confused! Is Husband Bi-sexual Or Gay?? (Page 1)

Ok guys here goes. Need some advice. I have been with my husband for over 2 years. I have always thought he was just a little bit different from most men I have been with. He works out everyday very fit, muscular. basicly very attractive man. Takes care of his health. Always concerned about his personal apperance. Not that most men don't do that but this is more than most men do. I am the one sitting on the couch waiting on him to finish getting read to go somewhere. He has some male friends. The things is he will talk about them but has never really introduced me to a few select men. I thought that was odd. So one day I was looking for a piece of paper I found a letter he had wrote to a old friend. He pressed so hard you could see it on the other page. Yes I looked. It said you take O good. It was just a circle. So I thought that is weriod. You take O....Hum...What does that mean? Now I get it. Then one day yes I was being nosey because I thought something is just not right. Actually I was thinking he was cheating on me with a GIRL. So I checked his voicemails which I know is wrong. Don't yell at me for that. But I just knew something was not right. It was a male voice. It was very obvious he was or has been with this male. He was talking about my how he thinking of my husband big dick and all the things he could be doing to him with it. Confirmed yes they had sex.

Now it all makes sense with the one expection. Is he gay and just hiding it? Or bi-sexual? He appears to love sex with me. But no he has NEVER gone down on me. NEVER. Always wonder why. But he loves for me to give him oral sex. We tried anal sex once he could not keep it hard. Why if he like anal sex with men? So what am I to think.

But now I am trying to figure out is he just bi-sexual or Gay? How would you know. I am scared to death to confront him about it especially since it was with a MALE. He will freak out I know he will. He is always telling me he loves me, wants me to have a baby etc...

My friend that I talked I just told her I thought he might be bi. She said if he is is he is just a giver? Ok is that how it is in the bi-sexual world with men. One is the giver always and one is the receiver? I would think not. But I am telling you he won't let me anywhere near his anus. Why if he likes men?

I know I have the issue that he CHEATED on me. I don't care MALE or FEMALE he cheated. So that is a whole other issue. But I am just trying to understand if I should just walk away or try to forgive and forget. But if he is GAY we have no chance. I mean I understand the attraction of wanting to be with the same sex. I have had it just never acted on it.

But I just don't know what to think anymore. I am so confused. Any suggestions, thoughts on bi-sexuality...Help?
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First Helper honeysuckle1
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replied December 19th, 2007
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Hi, honeysuckle.

I'm gay, and I will tell you one thing: not all gay/bi-sexual people like having their anuses played with. Secondly, gay people can have sex with women. As long as the penis is being stimulated in the way the guy likes, he can still ejaculate, for the most part.

As for the giver/taker. That doesn't matter either. He might only like his anus to be stimulated by men. He might not like it at all. Who knows? Speculating is futile until you confront him about it.

I don't think you should worry about whether or not he's gay or bisexual. Simply because he cheated. It doesn't matter if he's attracted to men or women.... he cheated. This, in my eyes, is grounds for leaving him... immediately. Even if he's bisexual, the chances for him to cheat are still there (if not higher) because he likes both sexes, right? Who's to say he won't do it again?

Confront him about it. Seriously. It might hurt to find out the truth, but it'll be so much better than all this speculation and wondering. If he freaks out... too bad for him.... it's his own fault for cheating on his wife!!!!

And you know what... good for you for checking his voicemail. You sensed something was up, and you found it. I swear to god, I wish I had a woman's intuition sometimes.
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replied December 19th, 2007
Active User, very eHealthy
I don't think you were wrong to check up on his activities because you had probable cause. If he cheated on you, male or female, that's the deal-breaker!

Confront him about this seeming bi-sexual behaviour and get his explanation, but don't let him off the hook for cheating. I would face the fact that you might be leaving him after all of this.

It's better you found out now rather than after you had children. At least now, you can make a clean break from someone who cheated on you.

Sorry, you had to discover this fact about your husband in this way, but it is for the best. Be strong and be assured, you are right in this situation.
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replied December 19th, 2007
Hi marvel.

Thanks so much for replying. I have read multiple posts you have replied on. I was hoping you would give me some advice. Man I wish I had your self confidence.

Yea I know you could be gay and still have sex with women. Kind of in denial don't you think? But I think that is so SAD because you are just lying to yourself. Maybe I knew this for a long time just did not want to see it. I work with several gay men. I love them all. I knew right off the bat they were gay before they told me. They are open and out. But I could not talk to them about this. To close to home. I repect that they have the confidence to live life on there terms instead of living a lie. Which is what I think my husband is doing. Which makes me sad. I love him and I truly mean that. I would still love him gay or not. Just in a different way. His friend. No one would ever believe me if I told them he was gay. Which I would not that would have to be his choose to tell people.

Oh gosh I know I need to have this talk.. But how? I know he will deny it, get angry and try to defend himself. When all I want is for him to know that I know. Then to move forward. I deserve a man that love me in all the way I deserve to be loved. He broke a trust that I probably will never get back even if he said he was bi-sexual and just had a fling with a man. Nothing is stopping him from doing it again. NOTHING. I would place bets that he will or already has.

You are right about me not wasting time wondering. I guess I was thinking if I decided to stay with him that would have to be answered. But I did not want him to lie just to hide his sexuallity as a secret.

So how do you think is the best approach to talking to him? I don't want him to get defensive about it. Talking to someone about being Gay oh my gosh I have no clue how to do it. He is coming home for Christmas. See right now he working 3 weeks out of town and home one week. So I don't know if I should wait until after Christmas or do it now. I am thinking after Christmas for our families sake.

Oh woman's intuition yea it is great sometime. But right now I kinda wish I had been wrong. It sucks right now. Sigh. But I will be thankful later I know. Better finding out now than 20 years from now.

Oh by the way I think you are amazing. Keep up the great advice to everyone.
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replied November 6th, 2012
You are probably all set with this question, but for others who are going through it now, the best way to "confront" or ask your husband is to simply say, "I know what is going on, and I am NOT mad at you. Of course I am hurt because I love you, and I always will. But I need for you to be honest with me about what I found on (your computer, phone, email, etc.)." By not being confrontational, accusatory, demeaning or demanding, you are more likely to get an honest conversation/answer. You need to make your husband feel non threatened, unattacked, and most of all, not ashamed of his sexuality. His BEHAVIOR (cheating) is wrong, his sexuality is not however. Hope this helps.
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replied December 19th, 2007
Especially eHealthy
I honestly find his behavior to be bisexual at this point; but if he's cheating then clearly you're not providing something he wants, either emotionally or physically. The problem lies with him, but it's hurting YOU. He may in fact be gay, or he may be bisexual. Its hard to tell. Only HE knows for sure.
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replied November 6th, 2012
That is UNFAIR to say that she is "clearly not providing something he wants." obviously, if he is turning to men, it is something she CANNOT provide. However, in any relationship where there is infidelity, the problem CLEARLY lies with BOTH parties, not ONE. when there is a problem in the relationship/marriage, and someone cheats, both people are to blame for the issues in the relationship. One person cannot make or break a relationship
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replied December 19th, 2007
Experienced User
ahh i know the feeling...sort of.
i wont yell at you for checking his voicemail; i checked my bf's emails.
i found out that he was gay (or thought he was) in the past.
i never got to confronting him..
he recently came clean to me though.
he told me that there was a time when he thought he was gay
and that he did some gay activities
and asked me nearly in tears if i still loved him...
and i said yes Smile
now our relationship is stronger than ever Very Happy

but your case is different.
the stuff your husband did were during your relationship, correct?
that makes it cheating, which is wrong no matter what orientation you are.
i'd say definitely have a talk with him.
good luck with this!
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replied December 19th, 2007
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Thanks, honeysuckle.

Your husband is in a really tough position. Though I think that what he did by cheating was pretty awful, he has two huge burdens on his shoulders now. He cheated on you, for one, and he clearly has feelings for the same gender (whether he's gay or bisexual... he still has to come to terms with it). That's two things he'll have to deal with at some point.

And you're right, a gay man having sex with women for the mere sake of hiding true feelings is total denial. The truth is that it gets way harder to accept these feelings as time passes. I can't imagine what it would be like to have to hide behind a facade all the time, while you have all these other feelings going on.... and especially having to sneak around and live in secrecy to fulfill these feelings.

As I said, your husband is in a tough spot.

But do not forget that you matter here, too. Nobody has any right (whether in denial or not) to inflict emotional (or physical) pain on anyone.... and it is your right and obligation to yourself to make sure you do what you have to do to be happy!!!

If you ever want to talk through Private Message, I'm here to listen!
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replied December 20th, 2007
Thanks so much for all the replies. The days are passing and I coming to grips with what I found. I want to be calm before I have the big discussion. I go over and over in my head how to approach this in the best manner. It is hard to confront someone about a affair but one with the same sex. Man what a tough one.

Yes I know what a very difficult position my husband is in. Man do I ever. I almost feel sad for him. Because that will be the hardest thing he will have to admit to me that yes it is true. Then come to terms with it all.

Last night was not a good night for us. We argued. He does what he always does. Ignore me. That seems to be how he communicates or lack there of. Ignore it and hope it changes. Guess he thinks next time we talk it be all better. My frustration with him has to do with this but he has no clue what I know.

Maji- Yes he did this while in our relationship. I thought well maybe I can forgive. But if he is Gay then I want him to let me go so I can find what I deserve. If he is bi-sexual and will change then we might have a chance but I don't know. Only time will tell what our future holds for us. Whether together or not. I will be his friend. I am a person who can forgive, be your friend and still support you if you are truly sorry. So if he is Gay I want him to know that I can accept it and be there for him even if it hurt at first.

We will be having this discussion soon. So I will keep you guys posted on how it goes. Thanks again I felt like I was alone.
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replied December 20th, 2007
Extremely eHealthy
Hi there, I have just read all of this post and my hearts goes out to you. You have been given some awesome advise from all of these wonderful people. I hope everything eventually works out. Like everyone said he cheated and you are right you deserve to find what you need. Something really sparked my interest in one of your 1st posts. You said that he could not stay hard while trying anal sex with you. I really beleive this is because he prefers sex with men. He could be bi to an extent, but I think he like men more. I think you have your answers though. You sound like you have come to terms with possibly leaving him.

I think that you should seperate and find someone that can give you what you give them. Same goes for your husband, he deserves to be pain free and happy. If you can, then forgive him and be his friend through this hard time, maybe he never wanted to hurt you. That doesnt excuse what he did. Just please dont hang on to him if he does turn out to be gay. Your life will be full of resentment and pain.

I have a friend that stayed with her husband for 15 years while he was with countless men. He was open and honest with her from the very beginning, but she loved him so much she stayed with him. They are finally getting divorced, but my friend is so torn and such a shell of a person. Its taken so much to get her out of the house. She has such a long road ahead of her too. Please dont let this happen to you, you wont though......I wish you the best and please keep posting....
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replied December 20th, 2007
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Yes, please keep us updated!
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replied December 28th, 2007
Ok. Let me try this again. I messed up my first time. I have to re-type it again.

First of all he is home. Everything has been going good so he thinks. My mind is full of ????'s I did not want to ruin our Christmas. So I have been waiting. I check our phone bills to see who he has called etc.

I asked him about this guy. He said he meet him a couple of years ago on Halloween. That was before me. They have know each other for a while. He is his friend. He lives 6 hours away from us. So I know that now. They don't talk much just once a month from the last three phone bills. So now I am more confused than ever. I mean I know my husband has not traveled there but he could have come to see him. I know from the voicemail they have been together at some point in his life. But when is the question.

Anyway we were watching porn. I am different than most women I enjoy it sometimes. While watching it I took the opportunity to ask questions.

There was two men with one woman both at the same time. Anal and vaginal. I asked so do you ever think about being with two men and one woman at the same time like that. He said well I think I would have but only if the other male did not touch me. I would think that was sick having another man balls bouncing up and down on me. Huh....That was what I was thinking.

Then I said what is your fantasy? I had already shared that I had thought about being with another girl. To open that door open. Nope his response my fantasy is what every male fantasy is two girl at one time. But he knew that would ruin a relationship if we ever tried it.

Then I asked about MULTIPLE men with one woman. He said that he had tagged once with one women but he did not feel comfortable with it because of other males. He said he did not like even going to the restroom or anything like that with other men around.

My next question was one that was posted on this forum. About two men watching porn and jacking off. I asked did he think they were gay and would he or had he done that. He said no. He thinks that is sick. But that both of those men must be secure in jacking off around anyone but he could never do that. He did not think that meant they were gay.

His responses tell me that he is not going to admit to being with another male. I think he is more confused than me. I know some gay men deny it and make it out like it is sick or something because they want to keep there secret. I think that is what he is doing. I don't know. Then I think well maybe he has tried it and is ashamed of it. I have not clue. I did my best to be OPEN and try to make him feel like he could say anything but it just did not happen.

We have been fighting so much before he came home. So I asked him what at this point do you like most about us? I was thinking along the lines of personality traits. His response was our SEX life is good. Huh... He confused me more than ever. I thought our sex life was good until I heard the voicemail.

Oh one more thing I tried to watch him while we were watching the porn. I know I THINK to much. I was checking to see if he got more excited watching the women or the men. To hard to tell. Did not get a feeling one way or the other. He just seemed aroused period.

We even talked about same sex relationships how it is more acceptable now a days. But he never once gave me a clue that he had ever been with another male. I think complete denial.

So what do you think? I know I need to just flat out ask him but I just don't think he is ready to admit to anything like that. He will deny it I know that now from our conversation. I will be the CRAZY one.
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replied December 28th, 2007
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I just wanted to comment on one thing you said...
Your husband doesn't like using the restroom when other men are present?
That struck me as odd.
I would think most straight men wouldn't care.
I have talked to a few gay men and they feel very uncomfortable when other men are in the restroom as well.
Just a thought. I don't think he is bi, I think he might be full on gay.
There's nothing wrong with that, aside from stringing you along like a cover for his denial.
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replied December 28th, 2007
Yep I find that odd also. But it is not just men. He does not like me in the restroom when he is in there. I have always thought that was odd. He will push me out.

You are right there is nothing wrong with being gay. That is what I am afraid of him stringing me along to cover it up.
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replied December 28th, 2007
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Well my husband doesn't like me in the bathroom when he is using it either. Sometimes he will leave the door cracked and I will just pop in and say BOO! He gets sooooo mad at me and pushes me out, slams the door, and locks it.
I find it hilarious.

I just think it's kind of weird that he doesn't even want to pee when other men are in the restroom...

I know you are planning on talking to him, but what if he denies the voicemail that you heard? What would you do then?
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replied December 28th, 2007
Extremely eHealthy
Well I must say the restroom thing is a little odd. My hubby doesnt care who sees his penis. He can use the public restroom just fine. Hes comfortable with his sexuality and doesnt really care is there is another man in there or whether the man is gay or straight. So yes, most straight men do not care. They only start to care if they are getting hit on or someone trys to pull a move on them.

SOrry that he wouldnt open up to you. I know how painful it can be. Why cant they just talk? you know? Why cant they just share their feelings with us? Who knows. Men a difficult. But it doesnt look like you are getting any anwers. Maybe you should just come out and ask him. Catch him off guard.
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replied December 28th, 2007
Especially eHealthy
What was your definitive proof he's "been" with another guy? Because it's sounding to me like you took a few wrong turns and ended up in Suspicious-ville...
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replied December 28th, 2007
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Another question:

How do you know the voicemail you heard wasn't from someone just playing around?
I've gotten voicemails on my husband's phone from his friends being drunk and stupid before.... I dunno what to think...
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replied December 28th, 2007
Well I don't know really what to do. I mean how can you deny that voicemail? I mean it was talking about how big his dick was and he was thinking of all the things he could be doing to him. I mean come on. That is pretty strait forward.

I expect him to get angry and walk away. He will not want to talk about it all. He will try to turn it around on me. Yea I wish he would just talk to me. That is one of our biggest problems he will walk away and not talk.

I mean I could handle it if he tells me he was gay. It would hurt me and I will mourn the loss of us. But I would be his friend. I hate that anyone would deny who they are out of fear. I would never want him to be with me if his heart is with someone else MALE or FEMALE. That is not fair to me. I deserve someone that love me.

My husband is very fit, very blessed in that area and I never have understood the bathroom thing. He just says he is uncomfortable. I mean if I had a body like he does. I would show it off and then some.

Oh I think he has his guard already up. I have been asking to many question about the his so called FRIEND.
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replied December 28th, 2007
Especially eHealthy
I don't think the voicemail confirms anything to be honest. Yes, your husband could be saying these homophobic things to hide his bisexuality. But maybe he regrets this one time thing he did and desperately doesn't want it to ruin your marriage? Have you outright said to him "I heard [this] on your voice mail?"

Many guys are uncomfortable in the bathroom, that doesn't sound weird to me at all.
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replied February 18th, 2008
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Eiri wrote:
I don't think the voicemail confirms anything to be honest. Yes, your husband could be saying these homophobic things to hide his bisexuality. But maybe he regrets this one time thing he did and desperately doesn't want it to ruin your marriage? Have you outright said to him "I heard [this] on your voice mail?"

Many guys are uncomfortable in the bathroom, that doesn't sound weird to me at all.


Being on the down low hurts every one...
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