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Husband Might Be Cheating - What Would You Do?

As I mentioned in one of my other posts, about a week ago I found out that my husband had signed up for accounts on multiple singles websites.

When confronted with this, he said that this had happened over a month ago, when he was very angry with me and I was out of the house for the night (spending the night at my dad's because of fights we'd been having).

He says this - but I can't believe him. I think I know him well enough to believe that he wouldn't have the balls to be cheating on me and hiding it from me. I believe that if he wanted to be in a different relationship, he would tell me - I think - but I can't force myself to believe it.

Anytime I ask him to talk to me about it, he gets so angry. He says that I'm just trying to make him feel guilty about it. He's said he's sorry, but he won't give me the attention and time that I need with him, to talk this through so that I'm okay with it and I can forgive him - and not only forgive him, but escape from this paranoia.

Every time that I see him checking his e-mail, I get this feeling of dread in my stomach, and I'm physically sick - I can't eat anything, or I would throw up. Every day during the week when I get up after him (he goes to work early) I feel this dread that I can't shake off. When I wake up with him, it's ok, but when he's not there the paranoia sets in. I am dying to know what e-mails he gets every day, and now I'm wondering what calls he's made on his phone.

How can I be expected to get over this if he's not even capable of talking about it? He says that he wouldn't cheat on me, but that if I keep on b*tching about it, he might just leave me.

I was thinking that there's probably a lot of us posting here that have encountered problems like this - please, tell me your story.

Coal
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replied December 10th, 2007
If You Are
thinking that it is most likely not your fault, you are most likely correct. Just my opinion.
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replied December 10th, 2007
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well... i'll just say it. i would find a way to see his email and phone records to put my mind at ease.

he is the one, your HUSBAND, that put himself out there as a single person!!! i know that's not the most honest way but you get trust worthy results. he broke the trust in your marriage NOT you. however, take caution.... that technique can be a very slippery slope. good luck.
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replied December 11th, 2007
Well, unfortunately, checking his e-mail did nothing to put my mind at ease. He's been replying to messages from the singles websites up until December 4th. He lied to me.

I confronted him about it and he flipped out. Didn't say he was sorry or anything, just flipped out and said that he wanted a divorce. I (somehow) managed to keep myself together long enough to get him to sit down and have a cup of tea, and then we talked for about an hour or so. He said that he loves me, but that some of the spark has gone from our relationship. I wish I could've thought to say, of course it has! We're fighting all the time - we hate each other. We need to both get better so that we can be happy again. But I didn't think to say it. Maybe he really is unhappy in our marriage, and it's not due to the bipolar. He was happy before, though - how do I know?

I can handle the forgiving and forgetting, but I don't know how long it will take for the paranoia to go away. I want to check his e-mail every second and check and see who's called him and call him when he gets home from work early and see what he's doing. Every time that he goes out I will wonder who he is going out with and where they are going. This is eating me alive. I don't know what to do.

Coal
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replied December 11th, 2007
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well, now you know more than you did before. i am truly sorry that he decided to lie about it. maybe he is threatening divorce to intimidate you away from wondering if he is cheating. he must know that as long as he lies to you and behaves badly that you both are going to be unhappy.

how do you know if he was happy before? ask him. i'm sure he didn't marry someone he was not happy with. you guys are having a hard time right now but if he is willing you can work it out. but from an honest new beginning.

if he did cheat, could you forgive him? if so, let him know that and maybe he'll come clean. if he says he absolutely did not cheat, sleep with someone else, then try to forgive him if he is being honest. i know it is hard. and i know about paranoia too, it sucks. because you can never truly know and you will just eat yourself up with it. try to take care of yourself emotionally.

as far as the "spark" going away... that happens in every marriage. it is reality. that does not mean that love is gone. but no one can stay in the honeymoon stage forever. it's just not natural.

i did something very inappropriate while we were engaged. i had to endure months of my man checking up on me. but i allowed it because i wanted him to feel he could trust me again. now he is fine. no more paranoia. i'm not saying that i liked being checked on but i had to let him so he could move on... so WE could move on. in the end i realized that if i expect to keep this wonderful man, that i can't go around doing things that i would not like being done to me.

he sounds very closed off from you.... i am sorry you are going through this. he might be mad because he got caught.... i was. maybe you could break the ice a little, not that you should have to but..., maybe he would agree to go to a concert or you could bring home a funny movie or a sexy flic D) i wish i had the answers... all i can offer is support, opinions and my own experiences. xoxo
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replied December 11th, 2007
Thank you for your kind words - they really mean a lot to me.

My husband was in prison for 3 years - we got married in prison one year before he got out. Then he got out, and we had 9 wonderful months until all of this happened. I know maybe it doesn't mean so much, but I like to think that it does - when he was in prison he first got a picture of me tattoed on his chest, and then added our wedding date under it.

All I can think is - you used to love me - you loved me so much that you got a tattoo of me - we were so happy, and then you got sick, and now you hate me. He doesn't seem to realize that this is how it is, though.

I told him that I never would have married him if I had ever wanted to be with anyone else. There were times when we were dating as teenagers (we've been together for almost 7 years now) that I would wonder - what else is out there? And I cheated, and he cheated, and we both learned from it.

Then he went to prison, and after that 2nd year, I realized that this is the only man that I would ever want to be with for the rest of my life - he probably thinks I'm lying, but I don't fantasize about sex with other people, nothing. He is the only person I ever want. But I'm not that person for him, anymore, or so it seems.

I'm so afraid to stay with him for fear of having to go through all of this again - I don't know how many times I can have my heart broken.

Coal
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replied December 11th, 2007
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he obviously loves you very much...

do you think he is using his bipolar to act out?? does he blame his actions on bipolar?
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replied December 12th, 2007
No, he doesn't blame his actions on bipolar. He will take his medication and listen to me talk about bipolar, but I don't think that he really thinks that he has it. As for his terrible actions, I don't think he knows that they are so bad - he doesn't understand how I could be so upset and therefore just gets mad when I try to talk about the things he's done.

I can't believe it's come to this - I really can't. It's bad enough trying to get over the fact that he was soon to be cheating on me, but now I have to worry about if he'll do it again. I'll worry every day until things change between us.

I feel like things will never change, and I'll never have back the man that I love.

Coal
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replied December 13th, 2007
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can you be specific with the "things he's done" if there are more than his recent bad judgement regarding the computer.

i have to admit that i get very defensive about certain things or behaviors that seem to me to be acceptable but my husband is upset by them.

i've also read some people say they don't remember acting poorly and doing bad things but i always remember, unless it's my PTSD.

off to smoke up front with the receptionist... we have a client coming in today for a photo shoot with a baby.... awe, but i am nervous. my fertility issues have made me act/feel different when i'm around children:( that's all i have to say about that...

xoxo puzzld
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replied December 13th, 2007
Yes, I can definitely be more specific about the things that he's done. A lot of it is to do with porn and the like - he's been out to the strip clubs 3 times, and afterwards every single time he's promised never to go again. And one night we had a fight, and he said that he was going to go for a long drive, but he promised that he would come back because I don't sleep well without him. He didn't come back until the next day.

As for other things, I guess you have to understand that the two of us are extremely over-sensitive. We have never really fought - we've had misunderstandings, for sure, and a lot of them, but it never leads to fighting. We both go off and cry, and then one of us will end up giving in and apologizing, and we smile and make up. It's the truth. In about 6.5 years, we've never yelled at each other or even said anything mean. Until now.

Now when we fight, he says that he doesn't love me, and every other time that we fight, he wants a divorce. Now, sometimes (but not often) I say that too, but mostly I just get him to calm down so that we can talk. Usually this has worked. But he says that he's not happy, and that's what breaks my heart. He says that he's not happy in our relationship. It seems like it's not worth it to him.

Aside from these things, he's just rude. It kills me every time when he says that if I would just quite b*tching everything would be fine and he would be happy. I'm way too sensitive to be talked to like that - it gets me crying every time, and only sometimes can I control myself.

I deserve respect from my husband, and he has no respect for me at all. He says that I'm controlling him, but he's so wrong. He controls absolutely every aspect of me - he walks all over me, treats me like I'm nothing, spits on our marriage, and says he wants to leave me.

This is what he's done - I'm sure a lot of other bipolar people have done much worse, but this is too horrible for me.

Coal
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replied December 13th, 2007
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no, that's very bad stuff coal. i'm sorry if you don't want to hear that but i won't sugar coat with you or anyone. i care too much. guys can be pretty simple and easy to persuade, not manipulate, but bring them around rather. sorry fellas.

do you go about your business daily? do you smile and laugh if something is funny? guess what i'm getting at is he might turn his attention to you if he sees you happy or at least attempting to be, without him. it will make him wonder, trust me. it might even get him to show you some respect... which he needs to do. don't tell him what you are doing, just do it and watch his behavior. this type of thing works on me every time, and don't forget, i am bipolar Smile

be strong coal and walk away and take back your life. that doesn't mean leave him or divorce him... just know that you have control of your actions and reactions. and your actions can speak so loud if you find a way to remove yourself from the drama and live. if he wants to come along, fine. but you are not going down with the ship. if you can get him to a place where he is worried that you will leave then maybe he'll listen to you and give you some much due respect. if he does come to you, or come around, praise him and tell him that you love him and your glad he is choosing to be happy.

and i want you to know that our talks help me so much and i appreciate you sharing with me. no matter what you decide i think that you are amazing!!! xoxo
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replied December 13th, 2007
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Coal...I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this abuse...and this IS abuse, regardless of your husband's diagnosis. puzzld is right, you should take control of your actions & take responsibility for yourself. No amount of snooping in your hubby's emails, etc.. will change him. It will just make you feel worse. Please don't do it again. You can't keep doing this to yourself. Believe me, I've been there. It tears a person apart.

What I can suggest is taking care of yourself. Perhaps detaching and living your own life will help. While it can be hard to sleep without someone, maybe snuggling up to a pillow in lieu would at least help your body/mind adjust to nights without your husband? (I know it helps me!)

Anyway, I hope things get better soon. Of course, you can't change a person, but you can change the way you respond to him.

BYD
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replied December 15th, 2007
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i agree with BoneyardDiva regarding checking up on him. i think it was useful for you this time... you flat out caught him and he lied. but in order to take care of yourself you must not take note of it anymore.

i hope you are ok ...
xoxo puzzld
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replied December 15th, 2007
I just wanted to let you guys know that as of today, yes, we're doing ok. Good, actually. Who knows what might happen tomorrow, but as I'm sure almost all of us know, remembering good days helps on the days when everything's gone to hell.

I think you girls are right about checking up on him, although I haven't been able to force myself to give up checking his e-mail. He must know I do it - he knows I know the password and am extremely suspicious, so I'm surprised that he doesn't change his password or flip out on me if he knows about it.

Good thing is, HE actually said that we should drop our internet service - we're going to go with cable instead. This made me really happy, and also pretty relieved. I wouldn't have thought about it myself. It hasn't happened yet, but should sometime next week.

This morning was pretty bad, though. We went to marriage counselling, and everything went great. I learned that Casey has been feeling pretty depressed (which he hasn't told me about - I've been thinking that he's unhappy with our marriage), and that when he's zoning out, and staring at the wall, it's not that he's unhappy - he has such low energy that nothing can interest him any more than staring at the wall. You find out the weirdest things.

But then our counsellor started talking about how if we get a divorce, we're just going to carry our baggage (and my husband, his mental illness) into the next relationship we enter into. This is what I've been telling my husband all along, but it doesn't seem to register with him.

So after we got out of counselling, I decided to make a promise to him, and hope that he would make one back - today is the day that I decided, no matter what, we are married, and I will do everything humanly possible to make our marriage work. If he starts to abuse me or anything, of course I'm gone, but that's a given.

So I told him that from now on, when we fight, I will never mention the word divorce again. We'll probably scream a lot more, and maybe some dishes may be broken, but I will never threaten to divorce him. And I asked him to promise the same thing - but he wouldn't.

He said that he couldn't make such a promise - he isn't sure about the future and is pretty miserable right now. After talking about it for a while, he started to get really angry and actually shouted at me - really, a first. It was pretty scary. But I stuck up for myself and told him to calm down, and that I would give him a while to think about it.

And he thought about it for a while, and calmed down, and promised me. That makes me feel a whole lot better.

Also, we've been a lot more intimate as of late, and that gives me the closeness to him that I've been missing for so long. Maybe it is just sex, but when it's with someone you love, there's more to it, at least with us. It gives me a chance to hug him and kiss him and just be close to him, even for a little while - that's helped me a lot, because sometimes he's too disinterested to even acknowledge me.

Anyway, now that I've written a novel - I hope some other people are having a good day - I know I am.

Thank you for caring.

Coal
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replied December 30th, 2007
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yay!!!! progress... ah. glad for both of you.

it's normal for couples to go through many struggles throughout their lifetime. it will only make you stronger if you can work it out. making a decision to love, not threaten marriage, is wonderful and helpful and productive and proactive Smile go coal!! props to your hub too. if you mess up just acknowledge it, say your sorry and move on.
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replied January 17th, 2009
to husband cheating.
It sounds just like my fiance I had a while ago. I caught him doing exactly the same thing. I tried to talk to him about it and he told me it was when we had a fight awhile ago and he did this. I got all the feelings you are feeling. Its something telling your inner self that something isd wrong.Later I found women would call him all the time andhe would have as much as 35 phone calls 1 one month on his phone bill to one person.Do what you want. But I left!
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replied January 17th, 2009
boyfriend cheating
I dont want to be rude. Your story sounds 100 percent to the relationship I had with someone for two years. You are becoming a codependant and a veey sadly ill person. You also seem so desperate. You may not like what I say.But 95percent of the relationships with bipolar people dont work. You eventually will get sick of this and get some help for yourself.Your guy is sick and will always have these problems. you will become more and more ill as he treats you badly. Bipolar partners will treat you sweetly for awhile and then turn on you and be mean again. It is like being in a yoyo relationship.I went through about 90 percent of the same things you are going through with your guy. Finally I got help for myself . If I had not I would have been crazy by now!I finally left. It is a year later now. I am still hurting from all of this. It doesnt look too good if he stays away over night. he is probably cheating. bipolar people have inproper sexual behaviour at times( cheating and multiple partners, porn sites, seeing strippers etc). You always get the blame for it .....like " you made me mad". "Its your fault because you said something that hurt me and made me feel like it was over or you dint love me, so i was looking for someonelse since you didnt want me(etc)". Its alaways some kind of lie. Bipolar people are pathilogical liars. I use to feel sorry for my guy. i was always trying to reason with him or get some kind of help for him. Fionally i just got tired of the yoyo syndrome kind of treatment.I finally got some self respect for myself and stood up on my owne two feet and stoped crying and hurting and worrying and feeling sick and paranoid and walked right out the door. Sometimes you have to do something healthy for yourself. Because it is for damn sure he will always treat you the same way and make a door mat out of you!You are obviously going through a l;ot. and believe me if it gets better for awhile , it will get bad again. Bipolar people are famous for this. Good luck sweetie. I am sorry to be so harsh. But it comes to apoint of if you love and respect yourself enough to quit putting up qwith this unhealthy sharade that he is handing you. He cannot change. He is bipolar and their is no cure. yes it is true he didnt ask to be this way. But he also cant change the way he is and you cant change him either. Bipolar people can be treated with meds , but they will never live in the same reality you do for very long. I also lived with 4 step sisters and brothers that were bipolar. Its the same old story over and over again.
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replied May 26th, 2011
bipolar and cheating
Hi, i am in the same boat, my partner of nearly 2 years has bipolar and scitzophrenia. He has cheated on me and as a result we broke up and got back together. I have taken him back 3 times now the 1st time after he cheated and the last twice after i found him messaging other women and going on singles sites. He swears he loves me and had only recently been diagnosed and started medication. he has had sctzo since he was 13 and is now 30 but only recently has be been diagnosed with bipolar too. i found only this mornin that he has yet again been on a singes site a mere 3 weeks after us getting back together. im paronoide all the time and he says the messages and sites mean nothing to him, yet he keeps doing it and risking losing me forever. if they mean nothing to him and he genuinlly loves me why does he risk losing me again and again? and what can i do? please help! xoxoxo
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