Medical Questions > Relationships > Ending a Relationship Forum

Am I In It For the Right Reasons?

Im currently 27, in the Army, and have been married for 4 years. We dated off and on in High School (nothing realy serious) and afterwards I moved away and so did she. We both ended up in bad relationships and ended up moving back to our home town around the same time. We got back together since we were both on the rebound. I never intended for it to be more than a fling.

A few monts after we got together she got pregnant. We still werent going to get married. Instead we were just gonna play it by ear. We soon realized that me not having insurance (I was a bartender) wasnt going to work well for our baby. So I joined the Army.

Now the Army requires that if you have a kid you either have to sign full custody over to the other parent or you have to be married. Basicaly they dont allow single parents to join. So I bit the bullet and we got married.

Now four years later I feel Im coming to a crossroad. My wife is very good to me. She has ambition and is on her way to a great career. Is a great mother. And she adores me. I can basicaly do no wrong in her eyes.

I know this all sounds well and good but the only problem is, I dont love her. Ive tried and tried. I just kept expecting that with time the heart would come around. But it hasnt. But I do love my daughter dearly. She is my world. And most times thats enough. But there are time when I wonder why I live without a true partner.

I didnt realy notvie this to much until my first deployment and I was saying goodbye to my family. When I was kissing my wife goodbye I felt nothing. It was almost like I was saying goodbye to a casual friend not a lover. Now when I turned to pick my daughter up and kiss her goodbye, thats what almost put me to tears. I could tell right then that something wasnt right. Now that Ive started my second deployment I noticed the same thing. I just seems that nothings there.

I feel a bit odd posting this here because I normaly dont talk about my feelings much due to my job. But with the annonimity of the internet I guess its a bit easier. Anyways any advice or input would be welcome, because this will be the only place Im willing to talk about it.

Thanks in Advance.
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replied January 31st, 2008
it seems like for your situation it was the best thing that you could do, and possibly the only option to give the best life possible for your family. It's understandable why you have to be married or give full custody over to the mother to join the army. What happens if you die? There needs to be someone there for your baby.

I think you made the right decision considering the circumstances. Whether or not the situation will change soon, I can't say. But if you are in your 2nd deployment currently, now would not be the best time to get a divorce.

You're probably going to have to wait for a while to find someone that you romantically love. I think you love your wife, but you are not in love with her, it's like a friendship love. For your situation, I think you did make a good choice, but it def. was not without a sacarfice. You do have love in your life though, through your daughter.

hope that helps.
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replied February 27th, 2008
Extremely eHealthy
Well you did what you thought was best at the time and who knows, maybe it *was* the right decision. Are you out of the army now? I know you can't love someone if you just don't feel it and ya can't make someone love you. If it isn't there, it isn't there. Have you spoken to her about this?
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replied February 27th, 2008
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I totallly agree
I have to jump on the train with panicbaloon on this one. I for one take my hats off to you.....I wear several hats in my family. You stepped up to the plate, and did a manly thing when you found out your wife was pregnant. I am proud of you and I wish to thank you and every other service person out there who is defending this great country....now back to your situation...You have been in this marriage for 4 years. If you are seriously considering ending htis relationship with your wife to "find true love", then you need to do it now. Whats gonna happen when you go back home and she ends up pregnant again? This could really throw a wrench into your plans. I do think you love your wife, you are just not IN LOVE with her. You feel comfortable with her. Marriage takes two people, and you had to have seen something in her years ago.....its still there, you just have to work at it. I know you can't make someone LOVE someone else......I've been though 3 nasty marriages until I got it right this time. This time we have been together 15 years...There are days I feel I am not IN LOVE with him.......but i know I do love him because when he is away on business trips....I find myself almost to tears...You are gonna have to do some soul searching, and if that answer is go, then GO...get off the pot and go. Its not fair to you, your wife or your children to stay in a loveless marriage. I wish you all the luck in this world!
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replied April 6th, 2008
Yes, you're in it for the wrong reason
Although you took responsibility for your actions in which you should be proud of, your relationship as a husband, not as a father, will suffer because of the lack of love you feel for your wife.
There is nothing wrong with admitting how you truly feel. There is something wrong with pretending.
You can still support your child by adding him/her as a dependent on your military record.
Continuing to be a good father should help ease your wife's pain if and when you decide to let her down. Let her down easy if you do because as you stated you both got together on a rebound. Women take these emotional roller coasters harder than men.
You could continue to try like others have suggested, but you've already tried and then the question remains "Do I want to live like this for the rest of my life?"
This question is what I pose to myself when I have to make the decision to move on.
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replied July 12th, 2008
you've already tried really hard to work things out by just accepting responsibility but it sounds like everything's falling apart because you sacrificed your own happiness. there might still be hope for you to love your wife. time isn't everything that's needed.

I guess feelings of love is triggered by different things in different people and while she seems to be loving in a way, she's not giving you what you need. admit to her that there's a problem. suggest marriage counseling or try to figure out in another way what would make you love someone. a willingness to try to work things out together should be more appreciated by her than if you just leave her because you bottled all your feelings up for this long.
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