Medical Questions > Mental Health > Eating Disorders Forum

I'm At My Lowest Point. Enough Is Enough.

Hi everyone, i'm new to this, and i'm sorry if the subject sounds a bit overdramatic. I've never written online about my eating disorder. I hope some of you take the time to read this little story of mine, and have the grace to reply - because this is a really sensitive issue for me.

I come from a working class family, in a town with the officially highest rate of drugs related crime and teenage pregnancy, and the lowest standard of secondary education. My parents... (predictable beginning) are both overweight, and both of them hate fatness. I'm an only child and their one wish was that i'd never know the misery of obesity. So, they decided to take preventative measures. While they did the cambridge diet (the one with no food, just pills) I was given slim-fast at the age of 5. Rosemary connelly's hip-n-thigh diet, and weight-watchers at 8. I attended the classes and everything. Thry took me jogging in the middle of the night so that nobody would see us and "laugh". I was really sporty, and also an early developer. My periods started when I was 8, and it was around that time I started reading teen magazines, and got the the idea to go without food to try and lose weight (i was a skinny child, btw). I was the *worst* anorexic in the world, so I eventually started making myself sick - i'm not sure how old I was, but probably about 9. I discovered laxitives when I was 11-12, but I found them so painful and unpleasant that i'd quit using them by about 15.

I began piling the weight on when I was 11-12. I attempted suicide when I was 11 and hated school because it felt like a prison. I weighed 12 stone (168lbs) when I was 12 years old. I decided to never go back to school. I'd been forced to do 'family therapy' and 'counselling' from the age of 10, and they eventually decided to take me into residential psychiatric care. I was never given medication. I met lots of girls in similar positions and we all had a great time encouraging each other to defy the useless nurses and trading anorxia/bulimia techniques - not to mention how to 'self harm' and the best ways to commit suicide. I was eventually discharged after a year - the hospital said that there was nothing they could do. Another suicide attempt at 14 meant that welfare stopped hassling me to go school.

What welfare didn't know, is that while all this was going on, i'd been reading 'teach yourself gcse' books, and I went to an adult education centre and asked them to teach me. They obtained a special licence, and at 15 I acheived 8 gcses a-c grades. That's higher that any of my old friends from school. This lead on to a'levels, aab grades. And then university in a different town, where nobody knows me. I'm in the third year of that degree, and i'm 21. I now live in the university town - 300 miles away from my parents. The university have asked me to consider staying on and doing a phd, and i'm currently trying to sort out funding for a masters. Not bad for somebody who was told by welfare, my family, social workers, and psychiatrists that I was stupid and would never amount to anything. I rent a lovely little house with my partner, who i've been with for two years. He's also a student, and he's extremely sensitive and bright, and also very gentle and loving and funny. He's asked me to marry him but i'm not sure if I beleive in marriage. It hardly matters - we have a great time. I was so lonely for so long.

You might wonder where "i'm at my lowest point. Enough is enough." fits into all this. Well, my weight crept up. At 18 I weighed 18 stone (252lbs) but managed to lose 5 stone (70lbs) through deliberately healthy means. However, I reached a 'plateau' (couldn't lose any more regardless of what I did) and got so frustrated that I started to gain weight again. Now, here I am - I now weigh nearly 19 stone (266lbs) and I just can't stop eating. I'm at a point where I have lost all conception of 'hungry' and 'full' and the guilt is killing me. When it gets too much I *still* makes myself sick, although I really, really try not to binge and vomit (with some success). I tend to 'graze' and i'm certain i'm addicted to carbohyrates. I'm a strict vegetarian so it's very difficult to rectify. It all seems incredibly unfair because I eat pretty much the same things as my boyfriend, except he is 9.07 stone (135lbs)! I've never been the kind to eat whole packets of biscuits or six chocolate bars, or whatever. I'm in a situation where if i'm not losing, i'm gaining - so i've made an appointment to try and get reductil, and hopefully some diet-advice (low carb vegetarian). I'm really scared, about what the dotor will say, and I know that if he checks my records he'll see the history of eating disorders and won't give me the drug.

I think that because my life is going so well, i'm subconsciously trying to make myself unhappy by letting myself get so fat. It's working, because being this fat is making me morbid and I have suicidal thoughts. The only thing that really stops me trying is love of my boyfriend - I could never leave him by himself. I slept around, and 'experimented' a lot before I met him (something else that causes me lots of pain) so I know how prescious he is. The excess weight aggravates an old injury in my foot and it's made me pretty much housebound because of the pain when I walk. I don't think my boyfriend really understands how horrible it is to be overweight, and how much it frightens and upsets me. I can't help but feel like a massive disgusting failure - despite all my acedemic success.

If you're still reading this - thanks for listening. Please reply.
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replied April 17th, 2004
Extremely eHealthy
Julia,

you live in such a beautiful area where walking would be a great therapy (& might help you lose abit of weight but I know only too well that that is a ridiculous suggestion & one you're probably sick to death of hearing given your foot - I am overweight & have medical problems & people are always suggesting I exercise!!) - still is there a smimming pool at your uni & could you & your boyfriend go there at a time of day when it's quieter & you wouldn't feel so "on show" because swimming wouldn't hurt your foot but would help reduce weight & importantly tone muscle?? Question

reading your post I wish someone had taken a stick to your parents a long time ago - but that's past & you have made a wonderful life for yourself & all by your own efforts, so you are obviously extremely bright & very capable of self-motivation therefore you can achieve anything you set your mind to; sometimes though you need to learn the skills first in order to be able to help yourself.

With your studies - you didn't simply wake up & say right i'm going to uni & hey presto you were there? No, of course not, you studied & if you do a masters & phd you will continue to study only now you are building on the foundations that you laid way back in your teens when you did that reading in private. Well the same as that reading formed the foundations of your current ability to study, learn & succeed academically you need to develop foundations for overcoming your eating/weight problems.

So what do you want to do? Question can you go swimming somewhere? Question can you find a support group? Question why are you a vegetarian (think hard before answering this as it is important) ? Question & when did you become a vegetarian? Question tell me exactly what & how much of it you eat in a day & when (like what times) & why???? Question Question

please answer the questions marked Question and any other information you think important. Eg medical conditions, food allergies, food like/dislikes, how often do you have motions? Question
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replied April 17th, 2004
Hiya - thanks for the reply - I think you've asked me some very interesting questions. I'll do my best to answer them all properly.

Idea I used to walk a lot because of financial reasons - in fact in the first year of uni I used to walk a minimum of five miles a day over hilly parkland in order to get to and from uni. The university itself is built on the side of hill, so just getting around the uni can be quite good exercise. I have been to the a&e over my foot, and have been to my gp, and have a referral to a physiotherapist, but it's hard to fit it all in what with coursework and exams coming up. I openly admit I avoid walking at all costs, because even the smallest amount causes me serious pain, it takes 3 days of complete inaction for it to go away. Even a trip round tesco's can set it off unless I use the trolley as a crutch. There isn't a swimming pool at my uni, because the uni is very small. The town is also quite small, and the only swimming pool I can think of is quite far away, and not on a bus route (plus it's one of those kiddie-adventure swimming pools). However, the minute my exams are finished i'll go to a physio and hopefully they'll be able to work out what's wrong (i've actually done another post on here about my foot - it's on the orthopedic section, and goes into detail).

Idea i've heard that there are self-help courses run by the eating disorders association for parents who desperately don't want to pass on their 'issues' to their children - if this was around 20 years ago I probably wouldn't be in the state I am now. My parents inherited their problems from their own parents - it's very easy to trace. When my grandmother died my father sent my mother out with 50 pounds to buy as much junk-food as possible (chocolate, ice-cream, cakes), and he sat in the house and ate the lot, without saying a word. My grandmother was extremely cruel to everybody about their weight (she was naturally thin but had a very unhappy life) - she used to play sick little mind-games, and bullied my dad in particular.

Idea my studies come naturally to me - right from the beginning it wasn't 'necessary' for me to study, it's as if my studying is a kind of rebellion. When I was 16-18 it was quite literally a rebellion because my parents seriously didn't want me to do a'levels and go to university. They wanted me to grow up and get a proper job, and start bringing in some money. They used to undermine me a lot - they once threw away all my books and notes, and tried to sabotage my university applications, and even my exams (by playing loud music the night before, and promising to give me lift to the college, and then changing their minds half an hour before the exam). I'm off a council estate, so me even being at uni feels a bit naughty and subversive. My parents seem okay with me being at uni now, although they've said that they're going to continue not supporting financially during my masters. I think they've accepted that I actually have half a brain cell (you can imagine how they thought i'd always amount to nothing - what with me dropping out of school), and that they can't stop me.

Idea i've been vegetarian since I was 11, so it'll be ten years this summer. I've been bulimic since I was about nine, and my first serious weight-gain was when I was 12-13. The summer I became vegetarian was the same summer I started buying cigarettes regularly. I was a serious smoker - and I was smoking about 40 a day at my worst point (it was the ideal addiction for me, and I miss it a lot). I quit about 18 months ago because it was breaking my partner's heart. It was around 18 months ago that I had a contraceptive implant fitted. My weight has been pretty stable for the last 18 months - i've gained no more than a stone. I broke my foot about a year ago.

Idea i'm vegetarian because I don't like meat. I 'avoid' eggs because I don't like them either. I like eggs more than I like meat though, so I sometimes have one if I fancy one. I'm allergic to shellfish, but I do like and eat fish, especially white fish and tuna. I recently got a mouthful of chicken at a party (thinking it was tuna) and it confirmed that I still really don't like meat.

Idea on an average day me and my partner have porridge for breakfast (because it's cheap) made according to the instructions on the packet (45g, semi-skimmed milk, sweetener for taste) with raisins - which works out at about 400-450 calories each. Sometimes we have apple juice with it, which is about 100 cals. I also have a big cup of tea (sweetener and skimmed milk of course). I'm telling you this because it's the one thing I always eat every day. Other than that my eating habits are always changing. Sometimes i'm deliberately trying to be healthy, sometimes i'm trying to save money. I'd say about once a week I do a pasta-bake, with mushrooms, milky-sauce (packet) and tuna, because it feeds us both, tastes good, and is cheap. I usually have quorn every day for one meal or another, and I always have a serving of carrots and broccoli - i'm lucky in that I really, really like steamed vegetables. I'm sorry if it sounds like i'm trying to paint myself as a faultless saint. Obviously i'm not. I probably have 1 medium pizza a week, and I always 'graze' throughout the day - usually on toast, sandwiches or cereal (when i'm in a 'bad' phase). I'm not the kind of fat person who is always eating chocolate and crisps. I also don't like deep-fried food (ie chips) or anything that seems obviously greasy (it's something I associate with my parents). It's the 'hidden' calories and fat that gets me - bread, pasta, noodles etc. In fact it's very depressing for me to see thin people eating so much junk-food. I could never 'get away' with eating loads of chocolate and ice-cream and stuff.

Idea I work very, very hard trying to resist overreating and making myself sick, but I do lapse sometimes. Maybe twice a month. If my friends all go out to pizza-hut I really can't stop myself sneaking upstairs in the restaurant and doing it, because I feel so guilty. If I feel like i've grazed too much during the day I sometimes can't resist doing it, and of course - carbs are really easy to regurgitate.

Idea I saw a documentary recently on the atkins diet, and it said that it works because the protein fills people up more than carbs, and they end up eating less. I thought this was very interesting because I eat a lot of carbs and I rarely feel full. I've been on e-diets (where you can make personalised diet sheets) and when I filled out all my details, they said it wasn't possible to create a diet for me because i'm too fussy (ie vegetarian 'carbohydrate addict'). Hopefully i'll get referred to a dietician on monday and we'll be able to work something out. I'm not sure what you mean by 'motions', but if i'm right, i'll say 'twice a day' - very regular. My partner eats very similar things to me (but also less healthy - less regularly, and less fruit and veg) and he only goes about once every two or three days - this worries me quite a lot - but obviously he's reluctant to talk about it. He is 5'11" and weighs just under ten stone. Thin, but not skinny.

Laughing sorry about that big long reply. You might guess correctly that my degree is essay-based; there is never a short answer! Thanks for taking the time to read it.

Julia
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replied April 18th, 2004
Extremely eHealthy
Julia,

i know what it's like to be at a uni on a hill the one I went to & my daughter is at is on a hillside - it does however have a gym & pool. In the same vein as a pool, do you have a bath in your flat? You could sit in the bath (warm-hot water) daily & exercise your foot - not the same as a pool but you could still do a number of exercises in the bath that might help it??

As to your food intake, it really doesn't seem that bad aside from too many carbs (bread, pasta etc) perhaps you could try for a higher level of protein (which is also good for concentration) & which helps fill you up. You also mention grazing (my daughter does this when stressed over uni work & when she has alot of classes etc back to back) try not to accept extras from friends, try & pack some "grazing food" to take with you for the day & only eat that (don't take money with you that way you are less able to buy other stuff) & make what you take healthy & limit it to a reasonable amount. By preparing it before hand you can see exactly how much you're having and so restrict it to a reasonable level. This really is just about training yourself to do with food what you do with other aspects of your life eg study/assignments etc.

My daughter is doing a b.A. (combined major in theatre, film & performance plus a co-major in english) her subjects are all essay type as well - so don't worry about length!!

Many universities or hospitals/medical centres have cbt (cognitive behaviour therapy) groups that are free or cheap - perhaps you could try that as it might shed some light &/or give you some skills to help you - a psychiatrist I talked to said cbt is more useful for women then men as men are less likely to do the homework/exercises to develop the skills - the psych is male!! As to support groups are there none around for sufferers of eating disorders or even for family of sufferers (better than nothing!!). Also in general many skills we get from a support group re eating disorders would be similar to skills you could learn in any support group (you just have to adjust the skills to suit your needs!!).

Contact the eating disorders association for information re groups near you for you!! You do have an eating disorder but while admitting it, you also seem to be fighting yourself with regard to actively doing anything to ovrcome it. I'm sorry if this seems harsh but sometimes harsh is needed. Your parents caused this not you but you are 21 this year & have been your own prson acting as a responsible adult for many years except in this one area now it is time to decide whether you want the rest of your life to be governed & ruined by what your parents did or whether you are going to choose to take control of this last aspect of your life as well. The blame was theirs but as an adult the blame for allowing it to continue lies with you. As adults we must take responsibility for ourselves & our mistakes.
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replied April 18th, 2004
Extremely eHealthy
I just read your post about your foot - which by the way is under general q & a not ortho - I don't know what the cause is but here are a couple of suggestions that "might" help - aside from the bath exercises.

1) arthritis creams/ anti-inflammatory creams/ strain creams (whick you have probably tried but maybe try a number of these in conjunction with each other?? Idea )

2) magnets work for many people with bone & muscle pain - worth a try?

3) hot & cold compresses - like you would for a strain but combine with the creams & do before & after exercise then rest - you could do this every evening while reading, watching tv or whatever.

4) there are a number of vitamin type tablets which might help (although these are generally expensive & do take time to work the cost might be offset by the results of getting better sooner - like 6 months versus several years!!) - a combination of chondroitin 600-700mgs & glucosamine 750-1000 mgs twice a day, there are other tablets too which are for arthritis & so on - check ata local health food store or on-line might be cheaper & also you don't have to walk around any stores if you check/shop on-line!!

5) there are support bandages - if you don't already use one - that might be of use but not to wear in bed!!
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replied April 22nd, 2004
Sorry, but for some reason it hasn't been informing me when people post replies.

I went to the doctors last week with my partner to ask about stuff, and he's reccommended some tests. I went for the tests today, and they took eight in total. These were tests to see if I have any conditions affecting my weight, and what my overall health is. Obviously I don't think my weight is down to any medical conditions but I can see that it's a good idea to check first before doing anything else.

Sometimes it's nice to hear "it's all your own fault" because it makes you take responsibility for yourself. I don't blame my parents because I accept that the last link in a chain, and that all of my bad feelings have simply followed down a line. I might be one of the worst affected in my family, but I like to think that the buck stops here.

I've managed to just about maintain my weight this last year. It might be high, but at least i'm not binging, vomiting or starving myself. I consider this an acheivement - especially since in the last year, i've started chemical contraception, quit smoking, and suffered a major personal bereavement (my best friend went missing, and was raped and murdered). In fact, I think it was when they found her body that I did my last serious, serious binge - it involved two bottles of champagne, dope, !**@!, pizzas, dips, and a massive family-size tirimisu. I was as sick as hell afterwards, but i'll challenge anyone who can imagine a 'better way' to deal with news like that (as far as i'm aware there is no 'offical' or 'good' way to deal with such things).

I might have a long list of problems, but unfortunately I also have a long list of therapies. I've actually done cognitive therapy. Remember I was in a mental hospital when I was 13, and was in therapy for about six years. In that time I have had:

Confused Cognitive therapy
Confused Psychotherapy
Confused General group therapy (daily for one year)
Confused Family therapy (avoid)
Confused Play therapy
Confused Social skills therapy
Confused Group social skills therapy
Confused Drama therapy
Confused Analysis (ie with a psychiatrist to assess problems)
Confused Art therapy (this one went on for years and years - god knows why)
Confused Sessions with educational psychologists (absolutely rubbish)
Confused I also had a regular weekly session with a therapist on childline for about five years
Confused Key nurse therapy sessions (general counselling daily for 1 year)

i also hold two qualifications in counselling myself. I managed to free myself from all this five years ago and I seriously have no intention of getting sucked back into it. There isn't one of those therapies mentioned that have not made me feel worse. In my experience - sitting around and chatting with other people with eating disorders (in real life) just gives you the impression your behaviour is normal, and gives you the opportunity to swap tips and ideas.

I am my current weight after a massive and rapid weight gain about 18 months ago. It followed a big weight loss. Prior to this gain, i'd spent two years losing six stone, with a 1500 calorie diet and an exercise video every other day. So you can see, i've done a six-stone 'yo-yo' in the last 3 1/2 - 4 years - but remained pretty much stable this last year - if that makes sense! I actually think remaning stable for a year is something of an acheviement for me - it's driving me crazy though - which is why i've been going to the doctor and having these tests, and posting on here. As soon as my exams finish i'll make an appointment with a physio for my foot - i've already got the referral.

I hope this doesn't sound like i'm trying to block out all of your advice - it's very good advice, but you can see that I have made little advances and efforts. I really wouldn't have posted if I didn't feel at my wits end - like i've tried everything and can't be helped. Hopefully this new stuff i'm doing will help. As for the high-protein diet you suggested - I tried to get a 'carb-addict', 'vegetarian' plan from ediets (the site is meant to be great) but they told me that they couldn't make a diet with those requirements. I'm hoping I might be able to put one together with the dietician i'll probably be referred to when my tests come though. I have no problem sticking to a diet (i have quite an anal personality and like the routines). Hopefully the dietician will help me when reach a plateau - because that's the reason I gained all this weight back.

Thanks for reading my little moans,
julia
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replied April 24th, 2004
Extremely eHealthy
Your last serious binge would have made anyone seriously sick & if it didn't they would need help!! Having that happen to a friend - you had to deal with it & the way you chose was not inappropriate ( it really was the same idea as the "irish wake"). So not really so much to do with an eating issue as a dealing with grief, horror & fear issues.

Ok, after seeing the list of groups & counsellors & therapists I so agree you do not need anymore of that same type of thing. Please keep the word same in mind because there are always new types of things or just a person who does an old thing differently perhaps a person you respond to & so you should keep your options open for people, groups, etc that might be of interest/help.

Sometimes though when you've been through the wringer of all the systems what is needed is to get out of the systems & find either your own unique way or find something totally different that for whatever weird reason "works" for you. One of my cousins who had had a rotten childhood & adult life plus alot of serious health problems & who got nowhere with the medical system etc found her "niche" when she got involved in screen printing & selling the stuff she made at markets. I am not saying that this is what you should do, only giving an example of how something with ho "therapy" or counselling etc involved - something you take up as a hobby because it interests you (or because it might provide a few extra pounds!!) might end up helping you in far wider areas than you might imagine.

I think that when any person has been through the counselling "mill" (& more so if they have gained some qualifications in it!!) then it really is unlikely to help them. They know what it's all about, what the right answers are & what the drama or art therapy etc is looking to get at!! So therefore it's usefulness becomes void.

My daughter would totally agree with you about a support group providing an opportunity for suffereres to swap better ways to avoid & hide their illness rather than providing a way to heal. But if there was a support group for students having trouble settling in to uni life, that might be useful - the issues are different but often the solutions or types of solutions are oddly similar. Just a thought as I do believe it is important to keep our eyes & minds open.

Be careful with the dietitian the one my daughter saw was loopy, & totally inconsistent not to mewntion unreasonable. High protein does help concentration & what many people do not realize is that many foods are high in carbs but they arnot the ones we associate with carbs. You might want to check out sites re specific carbohydrate diet & irritable bowel syndrome (these sites are where my daughter got her information on what foods had what levels of carb, salt, sugar, dairy,protein etc etc - so this might be of help.

I think that you are doing all the right things - with perhaps one exception - do you relax?? Just take time out & chill?? Maybe (& I think this is the case) you have very high expectations of yourself so you do not tend to relax enough, which means you stay uptight - this is not healthy we all need (& so do our minds & bodies) down time.
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replied April 27th, 2004
It's interesting that you compare it to an irish wake, because my friend was an irish catholic and I thought at the time (obviously skewed logic) that deliberately binging on every possible level (food, drugs, smoke, alcohol) would be the most appropriate thing to do for her. It also helped me try to deal with the very genuine physical sickness that I was feeling as a consequence of what had happened.

It has crossed my mind that more therapy/counselling would definately not be the same now. The general level of medical care I had in my old town was appalling - so appalling in fact, I intend to to review my medical records when I finish my exams, because I know for a fact that there are some lies in them (a doctor wrote that i'd been admitted to hospital for scans etc after suffering a miscarriage when I was 15, but the truth was - I rang him, and he told me never to ring him, and left me to dealt with it myself; he obviously realised afterwards he'd made a mistake and then lied on the records). Anyway.... (do I pile on the horror stories or what? I assure you, my life's not that bad Embarassed ) i've recieved amazing medical care in my new town , and also the counselling would be confidential (it's not when you're under 1Cool and that would make a massive difference. It's just very daunting, and it would be hard to communicate to a gp the sheer scale of the problem, and the necessity for 'proper therapy' as opposed to a nice little chatty counsellor.

I totally agree with the example of your cousin - I like to go to auctions, and car-boot sales, and buy and sell small antiques for profit when i'm not at uni. That also gets me out, and often involves hours of walking (although it usually screws my foot, but hopefully that won't be for much longer). I'm also mad about dogs, although my dog, and friends of my dog, are all back in my old town. Because of this, I like to get my 'animal kick' at the local zoo whenever I can - it's usually about once every six weeks, which I guess is quite a lot since it's a big expensive 'proper' zoo.

I am quite worried about the dietician - i've probably mentioned it in earlier post, but my mother took me to dietician regularly when I was about 7 or 8 (i think) but not sure why - I was pretty sporty and healthy up until about 11. I remember going to the dietician was a source of real misery - I kept a diary and it says stuff like "i hate diatishons" which depressed me when I found it. I'm hoping that now i'm a grown-up, and living in a different town, I might be able to "use" the dietician to get what I want - (basically a diet plan that suits me). If not, i'm an adult now and I can just stop going if I want to - or demand a different one. I was quite assertive with the doctor when I went last week - back home I used to go to the docs about my weight and they just used to tell me to eat less and send me away. Things are totally different now.

I actually showed your post to my partner (i think he was worried about me going on a forum and not going out of my way to show him what I was discussing). He totally agrees with you that I should relax more. Procrastination isn't the same as relaxing, because when I procrastinate i'm usually stressing on the inside about work, and 'paralysed' - unable to get working because i'm so stressed. I know all students are guilty of this, but still. Me and my family have never had any money, so i've never really had any nice clothes, or cds or anything that girls my age seem to value so much. Being a student all this time means that i've just had even less money than before. It's all made me realise that i've had very little actual fun. Because of this, it's kinda been my resolution for the past year or so to go out of my way to do things that are pointlessly fun (ie going to the zoo or the seaside - but not the cinema because it pertains to my studies). My parents have got new jobs so they're in a position to help more with money. I've got a stack of books i'm going to read for pleasure when my degree finishes in a month's time, because I haven't read a book for pleasure in about four years. After all the bad stuff that's gone on recently (especially rachel's murder) I probably should go out of my way to have fun and relax. I'm definately going to celebrate the end of my degree, and i'm going to demand 'beer money' from my parents, because it's really annoying watching all the other students celebrate. I have golden tickets for the summer ball already - although the problem of what i'm going to wear (given my sudden weight gain) is causing me a bit of anxiety. Smile
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replied May 1st, 2004
Experienced User
Hey julia. First I just began to read this post, and I am so sorry for what you went through and continue to go through. I't unfortunate when children are put on strict diets when they are young, becasue they are npot learning proper eating haboits, so this was ingrained in you a looong time ago. You went to therapists when you were younger(so did I although not for the same reasons). What I found is wen someone is in their teens and they go up against adult people who are trying to analyze them is that the teen neither finds too much fault in themself, becasue they are a teen and are too vunerabnle to criticism- and of course when you have adult figures questioing . Being judgemental , about your ailments you tend to tune them out. The only time a psych doctor can be helpful is when you yourself want to be helped not when you are forced to be. So I wouldn't necessarily rule out talking to one- about your past with your parents, about your eating disorder. - I also want to mention that although I have never been over weight, I usually am under weight- I too was a vegetarian- this past year I discovered I was bipolar. When the depression was extremely bad, I would eat and eat and eat and inturn feel guilty and throw it up. This made me gain in the past year 40 lbs. I was diagnosed with bipolar and put on antidepressant, once my emotions were under control I began to eat healthy again, but knew I had to lose weight , in turn I began the atkins diet. I cringed when I ate meat- but I also knew that people had been successful, so I forced it upon myself. It took some getting used too- alot of getting used to, but food cravings went away, I don't even barely ever feel hungry, and my weight is now dropping off. I have about 30 lbs more to lose until i'm back to looking like me again. I was going to try the south beach diet which actually has vegetarian based high protein diet:) so you may want to look into that, i've heard great things about it, and is also a version of atkins. I do however feel that you should look into a oa(over eaters anonymous program) and get a handle on your emotions first before you do try to diet/ lose weight, becasue binging is a cycle, where you become depressed, binge, feel guilty throw up, then feel depressed- so first you need to work on a method where you can break that cycle. Sorry if i've been repetitive!! I also want to say that thats awesome what you have done for yourself!!! It takes a strong person to pull them self out and better themselves by going to school, against negative wishes not to do so. Your on the right track, your at school, and you realize you want to get better, and you've taken a step by joining this forum for advice!Smile good luck!!!
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replied May 1st, 2004
Hiya, thanks for replying. I guess this forum is quite good but the abortion debates get me down a bit.

It's nice to meet somebody who understands what a nightmare it ito bombarded with therapists when you're young. The problem is, they try to fit you into their textbook definition, decide they're right, and get annoyed and call you uncooperative when they try to treat you for the wrong thing! Examples:

Evil or Very Mad I had an educational psychologist once, who told my parents that the reason I didn't go to school was because I was unconsciously frightened that they'd get a divorce if I wasn't around to supervise them. Because of this, I had developed learning difficultues (which explained why I was so hostile to people who were trying to teach me how to read). I did some reading, and found out that this is something that happens to children between the ages of 5 and 9. I was 13 or 14 at the time. He could have done an iq test, or asked me what I didn't like about school (it felt like prison - all of my friends were sleeping with burglars and taking drugs - the teachers bullied me because I 'thought I was clever'. The work was mind-numbingly easy and all I wanted to do was get into a good university, which wouldn't happen if I stayed at school). Sadly, my parents beleived him and not me. So did the local education authority. Well i've proved them all wrong now - but it still hurts me a bit. I have a professor at uni who really loves my work - he reads essays for all my subjects and he was the one suggested I consider a ph.D. It's nice to know all of my success at uni was off my own back (at college, everyobdy knew my past, but here they don't). I'm kinda tempted to tell him because i'm so proud of myself. We're having a social soon so maybe it'll come up.

Evil or Very Mad in the 'unit' (ie mental hospital - which is now executive apartments, multi-gym and juice bar) I was 'diagnosed' with an extreme lack of social skills. This is because I told them that when I was with a group of friends, I always felt awkward, uncomfortable, hostile. I felt afraid, and had a desperate need to leave the situation. Of course, if they'd asked me what kind of people I hung around with - they'd know that I was in groups of people who were injecting heroin, and setting the girls' hair on fire for fun when they got high!!! Any normal person would feel apprehensious and want to leave!!!

I have a million stories like this. Family therapy was terrible. I would say that it ammounted to abuse, and that was the standard opinion of other people in the unit and their families. It was forced on us and it was a terrifying and traumatic experience for all involved. It acheived absolutely nothing. It made things much worse. It made my parents hate me more, and me hate everybody more than I already did! All of this, and were told over and over again that were *lucky* to be given the beautiful miracle that is nhs psychiatric care!

Sorry - just had to get that off my chest!

I was under the impression that the south beach diet was just another fad. The akins diet is a subject of debate and i'm afraid I don't agree with it. My father is 'on atkins' and he uses it as an excuse to eat a litre of mayonnaise a day (no lie - me and my partner tested him by buying litre jars and watching). I'll see what the dietician has to say, and if it doesn't work out I might have a look at the south beach diet if you say it might be good. There's a diet book coming out soon and it's called 'high protein vegetarian' which sounds good. It doesn't come out till october though! :-s

i've not really had a hard life - it just looks bad when it's all written down. We all have pasts, don't we? I admit i'm not happy often, but I think it makes me who I am. Maybe if somebody had given me an iq test early on, I might have gotten a scholarship to go to the local private school and things might have been different. But all these things make me who I am. The reason I do so well at uni is because there's a depth of experience to my writing. I've managed to pack in a serious amount of experiences, i've moved in lots of different cirlces and made lots of bad mistakes; i've done immoral things and been in strange in situations that would make all the right-wing people on here sick. Plus, there's not a day goes by when I don't feel special and lucky for being at uni. I never miss classes because I know that I made a big decision to get myself here, and I can leave any time I like. The other people on my courses skip classes, write bad essays, and let 'daddy' pay for everything. Given this, it's not really a suprise i'm doing okay in comparison.

Julia Laughing
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replied May 1st, 2004
Hiya, thanks for replying. I guess this forum is quite good but the abortion debates get me down a bit.

It's nice to meet somebody who understands what a nightmare it ito bombarded with therapists when you're young. The problem is, they try to fit you into their textbook definition, decide they're right, and get annoyed and call you uncooperative when they try to treat you for the wrong thing! Examples:

Evil or Very Mad I had an educational psychologist once, who told my parents that the reason I didn't go to school was because I was unconsciously frightened that they'd get a divorce if I wasn't around to supervise them. Because of this, I had developed learning difficultues (which explained why I was so hostile to people who were trying to teach me how to read). I did some reading, and found out that this is something that happens to children between the ages of 5 and 9. I was 13 or 14 at the time. He could have done an iq test, or asked me what I didn't like about school (it felt like prison - all of my friends were sleeping with burglars and taking drugs - the teachers bullied me because I 'thought I was clever'. The work was mind-numbingly easy and all I wanted to do was get into a good university, which wouldn't happen if I stayed at school). Sadly, my parents beleived him and not me. So did the local education authority. Well i've proved them all wrong now - but it still hurts me a bit. I have a professor at uni who really loves my work - he reads essays for all my subjects and he was the one suggested I consider a ph.D. It's nice to know all of my success at uni was off my own back (at college, everyobdy knew my past, but here they don't). I'm kinda tempted to tell him because i'm so proud of myself. We're having a social soon so maybe it'll come up.

Evil or Very Mad in the 'unit' (ie mental hospital - which is now executive apartments, multi-gym and juice bar) I was 'diagnosed' with an extreme lack of social skills. This is because I told them that when I was with a group of friends, I always felt awkward, uncomfortable, hostile. I felt afraid, and had a desperate need to leave the situation. Of course, if they'd asked me what kind of people I hung around with - they'd know that I was in groups of people who were injecting heroin, and setting the girls' hair on fire for fun when they got high!!! Any normal person would feel apprehensious and want to leave!!!

I have a million stories like this. Family therapy was terrible. I would say that it ammounted to abuse, and that was the standard opinion of other people in the unit and their families. It was forced on us and it was a terrifying and traumatic experience for all involved. It acheived absolutely nothing. It made things much worse. It made my parents hate me more, and me hate everybody more than I already did! All of this, and were told over and over again that were *lucky* to be given the beautiful miracle that is nhs psychiatric care!

Sorry - just had to get that off my chest!

I was under the impression that the south beach diet was just another fad. The akins diet is a subject of debate and i'm afraid I don't agree with it. My father is 'on atkins' and he uses it as an excuse to eat a litre of mayonnaise a day (no lie - me and my partner tested him by buying litre jars and watching). I'll see what the dietician has to say, and if it doesn't work out I might have a look at the south beach diet if you say it might be good. There's a diet book coming out soon and it's called 'high protein vegetarian' which sounds good. It doesn't come out till october though! :-s

i've not really had a hard life - it just looks bad when it's all written down. We all have pasts, don't we? I admit i'm not happy often, but I think it makes me who I am. Maybe if somebody had given me an iq test early on, I might have gotten a scholarship to go to the local private school and things might have been different. But all these things make me who I am. The reason I do so well at uni is because there's a depth of experience to my writing. I've managed to pack in a serious amount of experiences, i've moved in lots of different cirlces and made lots of bad mistakes; i've done immoral things and been in strange in situations that would make all the right-wing people on here sick. Plus, there's not a day goes by when I don't feel special and lucky for being at uni. I never miss classes because I know that I made a big decision to get myself here, and I can leave any time I like. The other people on my courses skip classes, write bad essays, and let 'daddy' pay for everything. Given this, it's not really a suprise i'm doing okay in comparison.

Julia Laughing
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replied May 1st, 2004
Experienced User
Smile whoooa jars of mayo a day?? I like mayo but come on theres gotta be a limit!! Haha- I try to look up the south beach cite and see if I can't find a sample plan of where it substituted veggie proteins, for actual meat. And vent all you want!!! I totaly understand where your coming from!!! But just remember, what you came from doesn;t make you who you are, or define who you are. It's impacted you and some choices, but everything thats negative that has happened has made you stronger and given you more of a drive to prove the little evil doers Smile wrong, and thats awesome! And yeeeeeh I agree the abortion debate is a little out of hand and makes me pretty angered- anyways i'll find that cite for you!! Take care !!
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replied May 1st, 2004
Experienced User
K i've been looking for the cite but i'm not having much luck- i'll keep looking, but it was basically instead of burger you eat a veggie pattie, or veggie dog, any meat would be substituted with a veggie protein equivalent.
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replied August 19th, 2004
I've just been to the doctors. I had 9 different blood samples. And guess what?


It's a thyroid problem


there is a god.
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replied August 27th, 2004
Hey julia,
glad to read that you have found a reason for your weight gain. Just make sure that you get enough medication! I am hypothyroid as well, recovering from bulimia, and I just discovered that I am not getting enough thyroxine, and I still really have trouble keeping the weight off. But the doctor refuses to increase my dosage, because he thinks I just want to use it as a means of losing weight. Please make sure they treat you adequately and monitor your blood, because the nhs doctors have a tendency not to care about these things. Crying or Very sad
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replied October 10th, 2004
Experienced User
Hey, julia,
i just read some of the posts (y'all are so verbose!), and i'm so happy for you!
I've heard bad stuff about the south beach diet. I don't remember what exactly, just that it's not good for you and doesn't really work. Don't focus on cutting the carbs alone and think that'll work. The key to any diet is the calories. Protein is more filling than carbs because they're more difficult for the body to break down so they remain in your stomach longer. As a vegetarian as well, I find myself consuming mostly carbs as well and not as much protein as I really should... But carbs are necessary, too. Don't mess up your body more by exnaying on them.
Best of luck,
veronica
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replied October 13th, 2005
Hey Juli
Hey juli......And other on this forum im leena from the uk im 17 years old and I also started to hav the idea of me makin myself sick wud mean that I wud loose weight..............
Im 8 and a half stone alright for my height and age but thers somthin that I cant let go off thats me wantin to be a stone mpre slimer.......I mean ppl dont call me fat or anything but I got more problems that makes me do stuff as such...........
In a way this maks me release pain and anger.........I hav started to mak myself sick from the age of 14 durin the month of ramadhan......Its a month of muslims fastin.....
Its started as a test only for few weekd then me mates blackmailed me to stop I did but this year round I hav mbeen constantly makin myself sik in the need of me losin me weight.............I really do wanna stop as im in the middle of a rough tim at college but thers a part of me that dont want to stop........
The minute I openen me fast the minute ill munch and munch......Then go sneakly and mak myself sik I knw wat im doin is bad but it seems that I cant help myself
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replied October 13th, 2005
Experienced User
Hey
Julia,
hi, so I read your post obviously lol. It is amazing to see all the things that you went through when you were younger. I mean I have been bulimc for 1 year and a half. I have a lil sister that is 10 and I couldn't imagine anything like that happening or what I would have done going through something like that at a young age. I am only 15 though. I wish you luck with losing weight and hope that you don't slip into anerexia agian. I think you are a very succsessful person. You help people on here see that there is life beyond their eating disorders.
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