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I was standing in the shower just now & a lot of random things were running through my head, like usual, & I realized that it's November. I started thinking about everything that's happened this last year, & it got me in a really depressed mood. It's been a year this month since bill died, I won't even capitalize his name. For those of you who don't know, he was my uncle, he lived with me, & he was really horrible. He had hep c & had gotten really really sick when he came to live with me, & that's why he died (after 3 years.)

I never ever talk about him, because when I do I get upset like this. I don't even usually think about it, because this is what happens. The only person that I ever talk about it to is Tommy, or was tommy. We don't talk about serious stuff like this anymore, since breaking up, so that's why I'm posting this, I just want to vent and let all my feelings out since I don't do it anymore.

I really think I need to talk to SOMEONE about my feelings. For gods sake, this man is dead and I still feel so much hate for him. I've never been a person to hold my feelings in or push something to the back of my mind and I have to with this. I thought about talking to my school counselor, but she's the one who had to turn my mom into DFS because of everything that I told her was going on, plus I'd just go in there and freak out and cry everywhere at school for the rest of the day and it'd be a huge mess. But I can't afford a real therapist, so I guess it's my only choice, I obviously need to talk to someone though.

Sorry, I just keep thinking about it. I hope no one thinks I'm posting this for attention, I used to mention this a lot because I was a really unhappy person before he died, the way he used to treat me used to be my excuse for everything (because I felt he was the reason for everything) I just don't want people to think I'm trying to get sympathy. I just want someone to listen and someone to vent to. It's November again & everything outside is the same & all of the feelings are coming back because of it, I guess, so I just wanted to vent.

none of this even makes sense lol sigh, sorry.
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replied November 5th, 2007
Extremely eHealthy
Awww, I'm sorry this is bugging you. I can't imagine how it would feel. *hugs* You know you can talk to me about anything, anytime
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replied November 5th, 2007
Especially eHealthy
yeah me too Booger Lips.

We're here for ya. ^_^
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replied November 5th, 2007
Experienced User
I don't think you need to apologize for posting your feelings. First of all, this person LIVED with you for goodness sakes! That is a big impact on your life, making it even more important to talk about if it was a big NEGATIVE impact.

I had someone in my family die, I guess it was three years ago now, who I had bad feelings for even when they were sick. I still do, and I never talk about it ever. In fact, even though I dated my husband for five years before getting married and have now been married for almost two, I've mentioned my thoughts about this person ONCE... and it was a big thing for me to do so.

I'm not trying to tell you that I understand, because I don't. I just want you to know that it's okay and that no matter HOW you feel, you have every right to feel that way! You do for a reason after all, and you are not a horrible person.

Feel free to spill your guts. Feel free to focus your attention on something else. Feel free to do whatever you want. The most important thing is that in times like this... you really allow yourself to FEEL whatever you want to feel. Bottling things up is never good... but I'm sure you know that.
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replied November 5th, 2007
Especially eHealthy
Thanks girls, I'm glad you're here for me, it means a lot.

& to the mrs. thank you for taking the time to respond the way you did, i'm sorry that you have to keep your feelings bottled up too, if you need to talk, im also here.


thanks for listening Smile
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replied November 5th, 2007
Experienced User
I left a comment on your Facebook note. I don't know your situation, but you might be able to afford to see a therapist with a low co-pay under your medical insurance. It's definitely worth looking into. Do you have a separate school psychologist, or is there just a school counselor?
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replied November 5th, 2007
Extremely eHealthy
awwww sorry! I get this way alot of times aout my pawpaw. We are here for you Terra!
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replied November 5th, 2007
Especially eHealthy
Thanks Smile I really appreciate it. I actually brought this to my teachers attention when I was a freshman, now I'm a senior & I'm in her class again & I think I'm going to try talking to her again. I've got a real connection with her, I just hope she doesn't send me back to the counselor. I don't like her lol

thanks for reading though =)
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replied November 5th, 2007
Especially eHealthy
Terra i had no idea he had died. I see no problem with you still disliking him, he was a mean man and you didnt deserve to deal with his crap. i love you! u can call me if u ever just want to vent, just wait til the monsters go to bed so ic an actually hear you lol
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replied November 5th, 2007
Extremely eHealthy
I remember him Terra, I remember all the things you've told me about him. I'm sorry =( I think it's pretty normal to have a hate thing towards him, you just need to talk to someone and learn to let things go.

It reminds me so much of my sister, who's in jail again, and I doubt i've told any of you this because it's so personal, but my sister has Hepititis C aswell, she was living with me for a short period of time, and it angers me because she was supposed to be doing better, and was...but she was so careless knowing her daughter and my son was living here too. She would be on her period and would leave her bloody clothes in my bathroom, and would leave her razors in the bath tub where the kids could get ahold of them...Brayden and my niece are going to be tested for hep C soon, and if either one have it, I am seriously, not even joking...swear on Brayden's LIFE. I will kill her. I will never feel better if either one of those babies have it, unless she's dead.

I told my mom that too. That was the last chance I will ever give her, Her life is ruined, and she made that choice. Life is what you make it. =)

Some people just have cold hearts Terra, or maybe he was mentally ill. My sister has really bad bi polar that she refuses to take medication for, so that doesn't make anything better.

If you need to chat, you know where to reach me. Love ya.
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