Medical Questions > Relationships > Ending a Relationship Forum

Thinking About Calling It Quits...

I had plans to marry my current g/f of 3 years, and I even got engaged to her last year. However, as the year went on, I guess I started to notice things I didn't before about her. I won't go into details as to what these things are (I can if you all want me to), but the end story is I can't stand to be around her anymore.

We have lived together, then separated our living situation (she lives with her mom, me with mine), but we have aquired a few combined financial responsibilities. My car is in both of our names, her car is in my name, the internet she uses is in mine (was thinking about biting the bullet and paying the $2xx cancelation fee Mad ), along with a cell phone bill (canceling her line would be another $2xx fee Mad ). Anyone ever have this sort of situation?

With the holidays coming up, I know its going to ruin mine and her holiday season. Should I hold off until January? In general, is it better to call it off on a friday?
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replied November 2nd, 2007
Active User, very eHealthy
So uuh, what are these little details that you want to break up a 3 year relationship for? Maybe its just me, but coming from one whose never been in a relationship, so I guess a relationship is more valuable for me, I'd probably do all I can to rectify the situation BEFORE deciding to call it quits in something that showed so much promise.
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replied November 2nd, 2007
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I agree, let's hear the details and see if we can think up ideas to help
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replied November 2nd, 2007
Alright, but you guys asked for it Wink

I cannot comfortably say anything I am thinking around her without her having to emphasize her point of view. Example:

Me -
"I think there should be some sort of speed sign after this sign, so its a little more clear whats going on."

Her -
"No, thats the speed sign, even though it doesn't have the words "Speed Limit" on them. Its this way because *blah* *blah* *blah* (5-10 minute speal on how she is right)"

Me -
"It was just a thought."

Her -
"Yeah, well there is no need for it because of space, time, *blah* *blah* *blah* (another 5-10 minute speal on how she is right)"

This then escalates to an argument. I try to let it go after she says her peace the first time, but she insists that I have to know exactly what she thinks, so on it goes with why her thoughts > my thoughts. This happens on a regular basis (not the exact situation, just ones like it).

The other thing that drives me insane is she is a bit of a talker (nothing wrong with this) that insists I know EVERYTHING about how she feels/thinks. I understand talking is ok, and when I say, "Ok, I understand" or some derivative thereof, its a non-stop slaughter of "you know?" and 5-10 minute speals to further clarify her point.

This is probably my "male-machoness" talking, but crying, all the time. "OMG, I am so upset at so-and-so. He/she is such a *insert creative adjective here*." Or, "I am so upset because of ______." All the while tears are rolling. There are other iterations, but these are the ones I can think of at the moment, but nearly anything can set this off.

She is a bit rude and takes nothing I say into consideration. Case in point, her cell phone is a bit on the loud side for some reason (either that, or my phone volume doesn't go low enough). When the above crying ensues, or she decides to yawn INTO THE BLOODY PHONE, its like she is on speaker phone in my ear. The crying, well, it happens, but the yawning, its something else. Its almost like she is purposely exaggerating it to be obnoxious (maybe its just the way she does it, who knows). I have spoke with her about the yawning into the phone and she still continues to do so, almost like it got worse. Plus it seems like there is SOMETHING about me that she complains about; "stop mouth breathing," "I hate that shirt," etc.

Her spending habits are atrocious. She knows we have a fair amount of debt that we are trying to pay back, yet she continues to go galavanting off with friends, and I am stuck having to work 5, 10 hour days with optional weekends of overtime and no hobbies for me Sad Nevermind the fact that what she says, she does not follow through. "Yeah, I will start doing some overtime to pay for my things." Three paychecks later, and only 5x8's Rolling Eyes

I can't ask for help, ever. Not even for the smallest chore item, like putting your dishes in the sink or garbage in the garbage can. Heaven forbid I ask her to do laundry. "No way, I have stuff I want to do," or my personal favorite, "I want to spend my life living, not doing chores," so I am then stuck doing everything (again, see last paragraph about my hobbies).

If I have a problem with something, I have to suck it up and deal with it while she gets to go off about how she feels, what she thinks should happen, further about how she feels about what should happen, and so forth. Examples:

Me - "I don't like the fact that you leave food garbage and piles of laundry in the bedroom."

Her - either "Its mine, I will pick it up when I want" or, "if it bothers you so much, you pick it up."

another:

Me - *Gets up to leave during an argument* (I do this to help process and calm down)

Her - "I hate you" or, "I hate when you do that, I think you are going to leave me (5-10 minutes on how that makes her feel)" or, "When I am crying/shouting/screaming/throwing things, I am crying for help. I just need a hug (5-10+ minutes on her feelings)."

There has been times where she has been civil and we talked about all of the above, but there was little done about anything. It seems likes it a never ending cycle of me being stuck with everything, I get frustrated and ask her, she blows up, cries, wants to talk about it for the next 1-2 hours (or longer), then decides she will help out, life is good for a week or two (tops), then everything starts over.
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replied November 2nd, 2007
What it boils down to is she treats me like I don't understand anything, like I am mentally handicapped. And anytime my thoughts are different than hers, she is right, end of discussion, otherwise yelling/screaming/shouting ensues.
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replied November 2nd, 2007
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Ick, a slob + rude + excessively talkative + excessively thickheaded, not attractive qualities when combined.

Your love for her doesn't seem to blind you from these... traits. I like strongheaded people, particularly women, but not when they are ignorant. Breaking up seems necessary, I don't think you can let these go for the rest of your life. You would probably just explode one day or something.

On the other hand, not to sound like a dominant male here, but maybe you need to show her "who is boss". I don't mean arrogantly like dominating her like men back in the day, but that you can't be pushed around all the time. Sorry if I am wrong, I am only basing my thoughts strictly from what you tell me, but it seems you aren't very assertive like a "typical" male. It sometimes seems like you are the "female" (sorry, stereotypically speaking!) and she is the male of this relationship. You would complain or mention something you feel is of great importance, while she goes "yea yea yea, whatever". Not being appreciated or having your thoughts heard, working while she goes out and have fun and spend all the money... etc, sounds like something a lot of women deal with to this day.

If you are intending to end this but give it one last try, why not rise up and make your voice heard at least once. It's not going to work though unless you are very angry.

Most people only push around others based on how much that person allows them to. You let her get too far.

GL!
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replied November 2nd, 2007
Mikolas wrote:
If you are intending to end this but give it one last try, why not rise up and make your voice heard at least once. It's not going to work though unless you are very angry.


For the most part, I am quiet and mild mannered. Its not like I am a chipmunk or anything, I know how to speak out, I just don't have much to say.

There have been times where she has absolutely angered me to the point of shouting back at her though. Shuts her up quick when I do as well. Probably not the desired outcome as she goes into "defensive crying mode" afterwards and freaks out, but she stops arguing Rolling Eyes
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replied November 7th, 2007
even though the holidays are coming up, holding off would be nice. BUT i say do what you feel. if you don't love her, dont pretend to be with her if its not what you want. Dont think about Time or let it distract your feelings. and secondly, everything you described in ya'lls relationship, the things she says, these sound like "nothing fights" fights for no reason. that's always a sign that the time is nearing for an end. don't let her drag you on in this relationship anymore. even though ya'll have all these ties (which will be really hard to break.) just man it up and tell her the deal. say you don't dig it. and that ya'll are going to need to break off the ties. and let her know that she needs a new cell contract or something.

Seriously. Your the boss. If you want to wear the pants, tell her what sup. and that her rude little comments and non-needed explanations aren't going to fly.
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replied November 7th, 2007
w0esurrt wrote:
and let her know that she needs a new cell contract or something.


Yeah, I started working on some of the financial obligations we share. Found out that my cell phone provider can transfer ownership, so I won't get slammed with $400+ Exclamation worth of cancelation fees, plus I was able to get her off my car loan, so thats a load off.

I was chitchatting with a friend of mine and she was saying that there really isn't a "best time" to call off a relationship. Its either thanksgiving/christmas, b-days, valentines day, labor day, 4th of july, and so forth. Better to get it done and over with quickly I guess... Confused
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replied November 7th, 2007
exactly, the sooner the better and you wont have to worry about it later. that's really good that you got a lot off your back already. i say keep working on it. do you still talk to your ex?
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replied November 9th, 2007
Experienced User
w0esurrt wrote:
do you still talk to your ex?

I don't think it's ex yet, is it ?


I see the thing. Something p***ed her off during her life and now that she can take some control she's degrating many things about you to be superior by comparision. Also, she wants to have the last word it seems ("I hate you" while you're leaving a room. want some gasoline in the fire honey ?)

I see from your descriptions that she doesn't think much about consequences, or she's just lazy. my ex was like that as well, while I'm quite a planified/aware type. It's desperating when as a member of a relationship you make some (basic) efforts in which you put importance, while the other see it as completely useless, or don't see your efforts at all.

she wrote:
"When I am crying/shouting/screaming/throwing things, I am crying for help. I just need a hug"

This is indeed true for many girls. However, I think she's playing the victim too often (when she's not right in the discussion?). Sometimes you have to deserve your hug.
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replied November 22nd, 2007
Bite the bullet and do it as soon as possible. You're making a very smart move here....if more people took a good hard look at their relationships before the wedding, the divorce rate might not be floating at 50%. Take it from someone that didn't see what was right in front of her face at the time....RUN don't walk away. You're actually doing both of you a favor by moving on and letting her move on...in the RIGHT directions. Much luck.
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replied November 26th, 2007
s_kalb wrote:

I don't think it's ex yet, is it ?


It is now. Called it off the day before thanksgiving. Boy do I have impecable timing or what Rolling Eyes
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replied November 26th, 2007
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It's for the best and the timing is not important. What IS important is that you recognized what was best for both of you. You are taking a scary step, but the right one so you can have a clear conscience. Good luck to you.
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