hey just got a couple of things to say and a couple of questions. ive been going to my doctor for about 2 or 3 months now under supervision for suicidal watch and my deranged thoughts and such. i have been experiencing schizo-like symptoms for about a year and a half now(just a little background info). im not on any medication as i refuse to take most of them just not knowing what its going to do to me.

last night as i was tryin to sleep some voices kinda just started up.. it started with me like talkin in my head and slowly it got more and more real and really started to scare me. they where sayin really horrible things and sometimes it was a whole room of people talk to me. this made me get up and out of bed and start pacing my room at about 4.30 in the morning. after about half an hour of that i just laughed and said like "what the hell am i doing?!?!"

i layed back down and turned the lights off and as i started to relax the voices came back. then i forget how it started but i can remember hearing a piano and seeing in my mind exactly how it works and what key needs to be struck for a certain sound. but every few minutes sometimes more regularly a bung note would come and feel like it was "in my head" so to speak. these notes seems unusally savage and hurt my brain and my ears everytime it happened. im wishing i got up and wrote this down last night because its like its almost erased from my memory i can barely remember it.

my question is this, does it sound like that my psychosis is getting worse? and should i get on some kind of meds?, im really in fear that i could kill myself at any time not cause i want to but because something might make me or who knows. i have days where this illness is a gift and gives me insight into alot of things but it seems like i might be goin downhill and going somewhere ill never come back from?

i guess what im hoping for is someone who has had this illness for a long time to kinda give me an idea of if i need to be on meds or something? the only thing that seems to stop my episodes for a while seems to be exercise. If i start doin pushups or punchin a punching bag everything almost disapears. just like to hear what any one else thinks??
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replied October 13th, 2007
Experienced User
What you want to watch out for is a major psychotic episode that will destroy some aspects of your brain and body, like in my case. I was walking around with semi-psychotic symptoms for years until it really hit me hard. Now I feel like crap all the time. Medication is supposed to prevent major episodes like that and could have prevented what happened to me. I hate medication myself and not telling you what to do. But the risks of degeneration while not taking anything are there.
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replied October 13th, 2007
Experienced User
hey philo, thats exactly what im worried about. because im only 18 im a little worried that as i get older ill get worse. what do you mean by semi psychotic if you dont mind me asking? thats what im worried about though, that when im 30 im gonna be an absolute wreck and my life messed up. thanks for the reply btw
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replied October 14th, 2007
Experienced User
By semi-psychotic I mean features that weren't as strong and evidently psychotic as they are now, but were worrisome. Preoccupation with evil, believing I was getting messages about what to do from my brain, that I was being led by a positive force from point A to point B.
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