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The man I love is Schizophrenic--some advice please

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i met a guy via chatting. We are thousand miles apart. We both fell in love to each other, until one day, we have decided to meet up and he promised that he will come over to my country. I was so delighted and looking forward meeting the Man i Love. One morning, i recieved a message that he cant come because his doctor didnt allow him. He then divulged bout his sickness that he is a skitso and under medication. I was really devastated! He should have told bout his sickness from the begginning of our relationship. Now, my problem is im still so in love with the person despite of his sickness that i feel and believe that im even more responsible most especially now that i know bout his sickness. Im so concern if i will leave him bcoz i know that he needs me. I love and pity the man i truly love. but , how bout me? what are the things to expect if i decided to live with a man that has skitso? Should i take the risk? or follow what my heart tells me?...to be with him.... please help
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First Helper Mona9999
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replied October 11th, 2007
Experienced User
really it depends on the serverity of his condition (if hes violent ect ect) ..if youve met him previous to his illness and not just talked to him on the net go for it if you 2 love each other. but schizos are known paranoid/delusional people so be prepared for whatever symptoms and situations his mind decides to have or create. ive lost alot of people, friends and relationships because of schizophrenia even before i was diagnosed.

so in short to answer your question, its probably not a very good idea to get involved with someone thousands of miles away who has a serious mental illness.. but hey some people find love in the strangest places. hope it all works out

-Rdm.
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replied October 15th, 2007
It is hard to divulge all personal information when you first meet someone. And be honest. If during your first conversation he told you he had a serious mental illness you probably would have stopped all contact with him, this is probably why he waited to tell you. To make your decision you need to know the severity of his symptoms. Most people with psychotic disorders are not violent or bad people. Symptoms can range in severity from being well controlled with medication and therapy, to long-term institutionalization. Find out more on how serious his illness is. Also, you mentioned that you "love and pity" him. Love cannot be based on pity and you must realize that while being in a relationship with him may improve both of your lives and be a source of happiness for both of you, that you cannot "fix" him and things will be very hard if you try to enter a romantic relationship with him if you approach it from from a patient/therapist viewpoint. I would not look at the actual illness as much as i would look at other aspects of his life. Can he hold down a job? Can he provide for himself? Does he have friends and family? These aspects of his life can probably give you better insight as to what kind of person he is.
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replied October 18th, 2007
Especially eHealthy
Some people with schizophrenia manage to keep it treated, under control, and live a perfectly happy life. Find out more about his condition, his treatment, and see if you could handle it.
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replied October 18th, 2007
Extremely eHealthy
Did he say he's "skitzo" or has schizophrenia? There are other diseases that "skitzo" could be, in which case you would need to be aware of the differences.

Do you want to be with a man you pity?
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replied October 19th, 2007
Experienced User
Birch wrote:
Do you want to be with a man you pity?


Or, do you want to pity the man that you love?
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replied October 19th, 2007
Especially eHealthy
I agree with psych nurse- don't let yourself be romantic with someone because you feel like you need to take care of them.

A real relationship is one in which both partners are caring for each other. While that is possible with him should his condition be kept under control- you need to think about the reasons you would want to be involved with him.
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replied October 27th, 2007
Hello My Name Is Lisa
anyway i call my ex boyfriend he is schizophrenia we have broke up 5 times it wasnt me that what his ideal anyway me and cory try be back together and he tell me he love me alot and want to see me and we talk on the phone for hours good talk joking thing like that so how can i help my ex boyfriend his is schizophrenia how can i do and do u think it will help realationship for last ??
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replied October 29th, 2007
Especially eHealthy
The only thing you can do to help him is to make sure he is getting the proper treatment for his illness and support him emotionally.
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replied March 10th, 2009
me too!
it's sort of the same thing with me.
Except my boyfriend and I have been dating for four years now and he told me six months into our relationship. He's in a whole other country as well and I've spent awhile trying to educate myself on his psychological issues. Now he wants to visit this summer and I would love nothing more than that. I know I can handle his episodes. I just don't know what to do really. He doesn't take his pills ever and I read once that new surroundings can be overwhelming for a schizophrenic so they shouldn't travel alone. He is traveling alone to see me and I don't want to put him in danger. What do I do if he has an episode while he visits? I just want to be prepared as best I can to take care of the guy I love.
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replied March 16th, 2009
Re: the Man I Love Is a Skitso
if you love him practise telepathy with him and tell him nobody can feel his feelings he just needs to think about them then others can understand. We're alone in our selves and with our souls, that is not the case with our thoughts and people get confused about that
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replied September 7th, 2009
Re: In love with a skitzo
Loving a 'skitso'
I would warn you to be very careful, especially since you have never met this man. I too fell in love with a man I met online who was scizophrenic. We met and the relationship became serious immediately. Within months we were planning marriage, meeting each others families and setting up home together. He told me about his illness some 5 months into the relationship but I knew little of this disorder and I was dizzy with love for him. Little more than a year later he had become a stranger to me. Although he was on regular medication and thought to be 'stable' his behaviour became increasingly worrying and then unbearable. He had regular bouts of depression and mania on a daily and sometimes hourly basis. Some of these episodes brought hallucinations where he would accuse me of doing things I hadn't done. He abused me in front of friends and family and in public, and this behaviour worsened to the point of physical violence and total control over me. He became delusional to the point of accusing me of going with other males, friends of his I had never met. He would constantly scream at me if I answered the phone and believed I was against him and hated him. I consistently tried to calm him but it got to a point where I was afraid he would eventually kill me and so I left him. I have since read up on this disorder and can clearly see how unwell this man was. I still have deep feelings for him but it became impossible to live a balanced life with him. I am not saying all people with this disorder are this way but you can never know what awaits you if you become involved. I would advise you to do some research on scizophrenia before you make any decision to be with him. Be aware and good luck x
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replied April 7th, 2011
Same Boat
I am so happy to hear that I am not the only person who is going through this. I met a man three years ago online. We both began to develop feelings for each other but I then discovered that he has SZ. He has been wonderfully amazing for the entire relationship. However, the past few months have been HELL. He claims to love me, but won't let me speak or talk about "anything serious." He claims that bringing up "serious topics" hurts his head and makes him ill. He brings me to tears/hopelessness with his emotionally abusive behavior. He wants to continue a relationship but this isn't a "relationship"...it seems more like a prison. I, however, end up feeling massive amounts of guilt for leaving. I constantly think that there is something I did to make him angry. I am so in love with him. He is the most amazing, caring, beautiful person I have ever met. It's hard to let him go but I feel I need to create boundaries. As I said earlier, he has always been kind, thoughtful and loving in the past. This behavior is so recent and came out of nowhere. Thank you.
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replied September 12th, 2009
Supporter
if you stay with him how would you see him if his doctor wont allow him to leave?
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replied September 19th, 2009
I think you should do what your heart tells you.
I wouldn't want to be with someone if they were just with me because of pitty.
Im only 14 so I still have all this to come, but good luck, i think you'll make the right desission.
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replied January 30th, 2012
In luv with a MAN
I too met a guy online who I just discovered is schizophrenic. We barely dated. I saw some crazy signs and made it clear that nothing could happen between us. Still, it was all a lie. I was slowly falling for him. As it turns out he wasn't interested when I confessed it. I didn't know how to take the rejection. We stayed friends.
He doesn't know I know about his condition but I found the medication. Also, when I looked up the medication it led me to SZ and the signs were undeniable! Grimacing. Delusions. Paranoia. Thinking someone else was inside him. Dominating. Obsessed with authority figures. Al the classic signs I found online.
It's crazy because I saw myself believing him and wanting to help. I can't stop thinking about him still. However, I had to break off the friendship...
I secretly wish he would come looking for me...but, it's probably for the best that he doesn't because I don't pity him at all. I actually like listening to his delusions. I get sucked in! Plus he is so sweet and tender.'I just want to cuddle with him all the time. I think I fell in love...which is the dangerous part...
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replied January 30th, 2012
Experienced User
I’m a schizophrenic. I really struggle to overcome my own obstacles, and I think I do a pretty good job, considering. However… I totally suck at dealing with anything outside my comfort zone -- it majorly stresses me out. I hate to admit it, but the guy who is unlucky enough to fall in love with me will have to look elsewhere for proper support during any sort of major crisis.

Relationships should be mutual give and take. It’s *both* of you against the rest of the world, a partnership. I say find someone who will be strong enough to pick *you* up as well, when the time comes.
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replied February 8th, 2012
Married to a Schizophrenic
I am married to a Schizophrenic . He never told me about his condition!!!! I happend to notice really weird behavior and started asking questions and looking through his personal files. I saw all kinds of mental documents including a Doctor who specializes in Schizophrenia information and a claim form. I called the DR to confirm that my husband was indeed a patient of his and he verified that, YES he was and that he is schedule to meet with him that week. I begain to do research and take note of all his actions. I came up with three people taht he becomes.

I have been going through HELL trying to understand him. My husbands delusional, episodes, verbal and physical attacks, angry mood swings were overwhelming. He started drinking like crazy when he could find work. So much that he totaled my ar and now has a DUI. Then even creating stories to say that I am against him.

The sad thing about this is that we have only been married for only (Nine Months)! He completely became delusional and told me stories about how he was adapted and had no family. His Job situation was always falling apart and of course , he blamed others for his actions. He became paranoid about everything and not to mention. NEVER took medicine ( at least around ME)

Today, I physically left him. I moved out of our home and now we are attending marriage counseling where he has not clearly admitted his illness and appears to be ashamed. I am hoping that the counseling will help him come to grips with his illness and encourage him to take his mediced, regardless if we weill be together . When i asked him directly, he said that he cant trust telling me because I am not qualified to handle such a person???

I feel real sorry for him and for me too. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever expect this to happend the FIRST year of marriage! I am assuming that he was taking meds when I met him because I didnt see this coming.

I am at my wits end with this marriage and am looking towards filing for a divorce. Not because of SZ but, he hid it from me and he is not taking accountability in dealing with his illness and this has been draining and has made me very sad!

My advice to anyone listening ; First see if they will take their meds and see how it goes from there. But note: you will always have to picking up the piece for him and if you can deal with delusions and abuse verbal/ physical. Then proceed with caution.


But LIFE IS TOO SHORT !!!!!
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replied April 8th, 2012
Schizophrenia and love?
Hi Everyone
I can endorse what's being said. I'm a mental health professional who also found myself in love with someone wiht a SZ diagnosis (although not my patient!). Anyway there can be an irrisistable quality to this condition and I think that is because their minds become so fragmented they they truly can seem sensitive in the extreme but beware as this is often as out of touch with reality as they are. Love has to include some self awareness and that is exactly what they are lacking as their 'self' often ceases to exist. Have you notice the childlike quality ? Quite often their recovery is too difficult for them to commit to and only when they can can love stand a chance. Don't be as fooled as sadly they can become . It's heart breaking and I haven't given up on my friend by I now spend too many moments protecting my own emotional health. There has to be detachment to survive even though he begs me not to take negative things personally. Fact is to survive it for any length of time there has to be detachment or distance - Is that love ?! The jury's out.
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replied April 8th, 2012
Schizophrenia and love?
Hi Everyone
I can endorse what's being said. I'm a mental health professional who also found myself in love with someone wiht a SZ diagnosis (although not my patient!). Anyway there can be an irrisistable quality to this condition and I think that is because their minds become so fragmented they they truly can seem sensitive in the extreme but beware as this is often as out of touch with reality as they are. Love has to include some self awareness and that is exactly what they are lacking as their 'self' often ceases to exist. Have you notice the childlike quality ? Quite often their recovery is too difficult for them to commit to and only when they can can love stand a chance. Don't be as fooled as sadly they can become . It's heart breaking and I haven't given up on my friend by I now spend too many moments protecting my own emotional health. There has to be detachment to survive even though he begs me not to take negative things personally. Fact is to survive it for any length of time there has to be detachment or distance - Is that love ?! The jury's out.
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replied March 7th, 2013
Wow! I have just started dating a wonderful young man who has been diagnosed with Schizophrenia and although he has been just wonderful so far, I have some concerns. I must admit that, after reading all these posts, I am even more concerned. We have been dating less than a month and he is 30, brilliant, an aspiring law student, a law clerk, a hard worker, talkative, kind, sensitive and also a fellow recovering alcoholic, as well as a recovering drug addict, with about 16 months sober. He takes his meds regularly and probably my biggest concern is that after he takes them, he is completely knocked out and seems so sedated he will sleep through his alarm clarks or much else. He has a bit of a temper, but has never been abusive in any way. He does not seem to show symptoms of hearing voices or anything, but I am still concerned about the long term prospects. Any advice would be appreciated? Feel free to email me . Truly, Julie 'Jules'
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