It was the day before he was due. December 14th, 2000. I got home after work and my wife said that she was counting kicks and fell asleep. When she woke up, she wasn't getting any kicks. She had gone for a couple of hours without feeling anything. It was on instinct that I told her we were going to the hospital to check things out. When they hooked her up to the monitors, they couldn't find a heartbeat. They went to get some other equipment that could better detect it and had her roll around to try to find the heartbeat. But my heart was already sunk. I knew our son had died. Hours later, on December 15th, our son, John Ethan Burden, was stillborn in the hospital. I still held out a small glimmer of hope that he would come out and some how would still be alive. I didn't fully hit me until he was coming out of her and he wasn't moving. I dropped to the ground. Crushed by the weight of emotion.
My wife and I chose to part ways a few months after that. We were a loving happy couple until that day. We weren't strong enough to overcome such a thing.
I now have a new girlfriend that I've been with for over 4 years. We had a baby girl named Lindrielle born last year. She's almost 16 months old already!! I can't help but feel that I was robbed of those years of fatherhood by losing my son.
I still cry...not every day. But almost. Sometimes, when I'm alone, I'll just sit and cry for awhile. I feel like nobody could understand why, 6 years later, I still have the strong feelings of loss.
I'm the best father that I know how to be to my little girl. She is a little healthy princess angel. I'm sad that she'll not be able to grow up with her big brother, John Ethan. Luckily, my girlfriend already has a 7 year old boy that Lindrielle can look up to.
My heart truly goes out to anyone who has experienced anything similar.
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replied September 13th, 2007
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you might want to consider seeing a doctor to talk about it i am sorry for your loss the old saying time heals all isnt true it is a hard loss that most never get over. on a positive note your lil girl will always have a guardian angel watching over her from above. that is how i look at it when i lost my lil son last year.
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replied September 15th, 2007
Hi,

I'm so sorry for your loss. I too have been in your shoes. My husband and I lost our son three weeks before I was due to give birth. I truly can relate to the emotions you are feeling. It has been 4 years since my son's passing and I cry about what happened to him frequently, mostly when I'm alone. Probably because I have to keep my head up for my other kids, and because I don't want to subject them to any more pain than they have already endured. I find it hard to comprehend why such things happen, especially to us parents who do the best we can to provide uncondiditonal love to our children, but as "they" say, everything happens for a reason ( I really hate that statement; what could the reason possibly be?), sometimes it's hard to understand what that reason is, but I know for sure that when it is my time, that will be the first thing I ask the man/woman above.
I just wanted to say that you are not alone. I am truly sorry about what happened to your baby boy. I think it is a very comendable thing to come here and express your feelings, as hard as that is.
If you ever need to "talk", please feel free to private message me anytime.

Christina
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replied August 14th, 2008
Almost another year later, I'm doing pretty good. My daughter turned 2 in May and she's doing great. Running all over the place, saying a few words, wanting everything her way, getting into things she shouldn't when we turn our back for 5 seconds. A perfect little 2 year old!! Smile
My daughter was really a super highlight in my mom's life. Her only surviving grandchild. She would come out to visit pretty often from Illinois to Colorado. I would send frequent pictures and videos to her to see the baby growing and turning into a little person. She couldn't come out to visit that often because she had cancer and had frequent trips for treatments she had to make. I had always planned to drive my daughter out to Illinois when she was 2 or 3 in the summer time. My mom looked forward to seeing her grow up and turn into a beautiful young woman. To see her go to college and all those great things.
Unfortunately, my mom passed away recently when she lost her battle with cancer. My mom was my closest friend. She is the one who helped the most with trying to get through the pain of my son's death.
When she was dieing (we knew several days before her death that she wasn't going to make it), I thought and tried to figure out who was going to help me get through the death of my mom when my mom was always the one who was there to help with all the difficult things when something happened in my life.
I couldn't really think of anyone. My dad and sisters, of course. But they were going through their own pains and we sort of helped each other as much as we can.

When I got back home to Colorado and had to get back to my life's routines with my family while everyone else stayed in Illinois and tried to adjust to the tragic loss, I felt alone like I had noone. And guess who stepped up and got me through it. My great daughter, Lindrielle. She wouldn't let me feel sad. She's always so cute, laughing, playing, doing little things that astonish me as a father. She's so smart and intuitive. One day, when she truly understands, I'll have to thank her for all that she had done for me. All that she had no idea of right now. I thank God for her. Without her, I don't know what I would have done.
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replied February 16th, 2013
My wife aand I lost our son Michael Jr. 5 months ago now... I am honestly glad to know you can carry the loss and still live life.It hasn't been perfect but My Wife and are the only people that could possible understand how the other feels.I feel robbed of all plans I made with my boy. I was so proud to be having a little boy! I have a ten yr old daughter from HS and she is Daddy's girl but I dreamed ahead for years with a son soon to arrive!I lost my son and because I extended my time off work from the planned 11days to an outrageous 13(2 damn days) I also lost my job!I just felt totally crushed but things are getting better.I feel for anyone who has to face this! I don't know what the new normal for us will be but I want to be sure that I can say it took some time but meeting my son changed my life for the better.I can't have all the days and years we would have but if I can point to him as my reason for some posatives it will help to make me closer to whole.
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