Medical Questions > Pregnancy Forum > Depression During Pregnancy Forum

Hubby Cruelty-- Depression Ruining My Marriage

Must Read
Learn the basics about mental disorders, including risk factors, diagnosis, and treatment options. ...
Learn about risk factors to developing a mental health condition. ...
Learn about screening and diagnosis options available for mental conditions....
i'm new here, 22 weeks pregnant with my first baby.
i've been married for 13 months. the pregnancy was not planned.
i'm not gonna go into details because this post would be at least 10 pages long, but to give you an idea of what i'm going through:
i moved to bulgaria in january of 2006. i got married here to a bulgarian that july. we conceived in april. now we're scrambling to get him a visa, which is enough of a pain in the ass, but my hubby is a nurse and has to go through SO much to become licensed as an RN in America.
now, before i got pregnant, i never so much as rolled my eyes at my husband. let alone raised my voice to him. we never fought. after i got pregnant, i started getting impatient with him, and when we started all the visa/nursing exams stuff, i got so overwhelmed. i can't begin to tell you what a headache it is for the both of us, and the worst thing is that i get so angry at my husband sometimes because i've had to help him every step of the way as he told me what he needed to do, but it turns out that he didn't really investigate things very thoroughly, and we have lost months of time and lots of money doing things the wrong way. today my hubby called me to say that the english language exam he finally passed last month after nearly a year of trying & failing was not even one of the exams accepted by the state nursing boards in America. and i got furious and asked why the hell he wasted so much time, effort, and money taking that exam over and over before he even checked to see if it was the one he needed.
instead of screaming at my husband, if i'm absolutely furious i just give him the silent treatment--i mean completely; i won't acknowledge his presence, i don't even look at him. won't discuss anything, not even dinner, or why i'm not speaking to him.
anyway, our situation is a bit different than most. i am unemployed in a foreign country, god knows where we'll even find the money for him to take his nursing exams. we barely have enough to pay for his visa procedure and then the plane tickets to America. and now we've got a baby on the way.
i know that i am unfair sometimes. i feel so completely hopeless, trapped, desperate, useless, pathetic, angry, frustrated...and i cannot take all of that out on my husband, though sometimes i feel like he's the reason for it--especially on days like today. my husband is NOT stupid, so how is he messing things up so badly? taking the wrong english exam, having ME email various state nursing boards, exam offices, ministries, embassies, etc. to answer a billion questions he has--all for his nursing career, when he should have started looking into this stuff last year (we were planning to move to America sometime soon anyway, even before I got pregnant) and now that we're rushing to get settled into a kind of life that would allow us to care for a baby, he's acting like a lost little boy, taking exams and things that he doesn't even need cuz he didn't do his homework?
sorry if all this talk about exams and immigration is boring, but those are just some of the things contributing toward my current depression, which i've had since the 2nd month of my pregnancy. i went from never being mean to my husband to shouting at him, saying things like, "F*** you, stay away from me, don't touch me," giving him the silent treatment for hours, being sarcastic and snappy with him when i do speak to him, etc.. most of the time i know he doesn't deserve it.
today it was just too much. i've had several "break-downs" so far--the worst was actually on our 1-year anniversary, which we spent on the seaside. i was silent and moody and burst into tears at dinner! anyway, today i had another break-down; i was so mad when he told me about the english exam that when he came home from work, i ignored him, muttered something about dinner, he made some smart-ass comment (he has only recent started doing that; even when i told him to f***off before he NEVER spoke to me in a bad way, but i guess i've pushed him too far), and i said, "F*** it," turned away, smacked his hand when he reached for me, and haven't spoken to him since. he left for a while and i started bawling. by the time he came back, i pretended to be composed but still remained silent.
ok, enough. sorry, i just really need to get this all out. living in a strange country away from my family with no close friends around, i feel so isolated, helpless. the partner who i should be turning to for support just angers and frustrates me. with all this visa stuff and all the research i've had to do for him to help him figure out how he can get licensed in america, i feel like i already have one baby and when this one comes along, i'll be taking two little boys with me to america.
i shouldn't treat my husband like this, but i can't help blaming him for a lot of the strain i'm under. how can i keep from lashing out? how can i make our marriage good again?
has pregnancy depression ever sort of ruined your relationship? i feel like the couple we were is gone forever, and we'll never get that back. i know that a baby changes everything, but beyond that, i don't know how i'll ever see my husband as i did before. i know i married a responsible, smart, kind man, but on days like this i see him as a lost, confused boy--Mr. Headless Chicken. and what i really need right now is support, stability. i fear i'll never feel like i can rely on him for those things again.
*sigh* help me?
Did you find this post helpful?

replied May 5th, 2008
i know what ya mean!
in my first trimester i broke up with my hubby twice thanks to prepartum depression, each time it only lasted a day but still, it was enough to come back and haunt me after our daughter was born all the way to currently.
Did you find this post helpful?

replied August 19th, 2009
pregnancy ruined my marriage
My wife is 40 and I got her pregnant on our honeymoon, she used to tell me she loved me and she was all over me every day, after 1 month of being married and a month of being pregnant she came into the room and layed next to me and asked me why I didn't brush my teeth the night b4 and then I said well I forgot and she said ohh I can't take this anymore I think I want a divorce!! After 2 months she decided that she never did love me and acted as if our marriage was all a mistake ( she had anxiety and depression before she even got pregnant) and that she wanted divorce... now We've been married for over 6 months she isn't quite as critical of me now but it seriously ruined the best time of my life and she still talks of divorce and won't kiss me or cuddle with me and hasn't slept in the same bed for get this 3 whole months with me!!! and despite her kids and her parents and sisters pleading with her not to make the mistake of letting me leave she is still not sure what she wants!! I wish I didn't love her so much and she wasn't so cute and she didn't still have my child in her stomach or I'd be gone!!!
Did you find this post helpful?

User Profile
replied August 19th, 2009
ttempest, When a woman is pregnant her hormones are so out of wack...sometimes even afterwards..How long were you with your wife before you got married? You mentioned that she had anxiety and depression before getting pregnant. Was she on medication that she can no longer take because of the pregnancy? These are all factors you might want to take into consideration. I hope things get better for you soon!
Did you find this post helpful?

replied September 20th, 2009
more info on post for ttempest
yes she was on Paxil and she plans to get back on it after the baby, right now she's on Zoloft but she'll only take 50mg because she's worried about the baby. I just hope things can get better before she files for divorce, her plan is to wait till one month after the baby is born to get papers.. She asked me to leave and I had to pack my stuff and I've been living at my parents house for about 3-4 weeks now. I still visit her and take care of her and make sure she has what she needs as she's not working and her family is so upset with her they refuse to take her in... I really hope she goes back on Paxil asap and her hormones stabalize after the baby is born. It's hard because we only dated 3 months and then she broke up with me and I got over her and then her phone randomly called me a month later and it was on accident twice while in her purse and I texted her later to tell her and then she called me back and wanted to start dating again and within a month we couldn't seem wait any longer.. so we really only dated for like 4-5 months total. But when we were dating it was like we stuck together like glue and all the free time we had were with each other and she'd text me or call me at work etc.
Did you find this post helpful?

replied April 19th, 2011
Postpartum runined my realationship
My wife and i where together for four years very happy and so in love with each other she would always express to me how much she loved me we got married an decided it was time to try for a lil one we where so happy to be having a family with each other! 3 months after our lil girl was born she began to be different nothing I did made her happy I tried to fix everything but something else always came up....I decided it might be best for her to go visit her family for a bit that was a mistake the first few weeks she was there she was fine her mom picked up on that she had a mild form of post pardom so I got her a dr visit for when she would come home.....But things started spinning out of control she broke things off slept with someone else that same night then took me back the next day....Then when she got home she broke it off yet again and said she was going back home with our daughter I was devastated she started lying and her mind changing playing games she promised to not take kae out of my life but when she began to hang out with an old fling things got really worse....Im lost and dont know what to do i cant take her or go for visitation cause we are a lesbian couple o now I have no wife and no child!
Did you find this post helpful?

replied December 9th, 2011
WHY can't we use birth control?
JESUS Christ. Maybe you should have just taken some gaddamn birth control. You are ruining everyone's lives because you have no uterus control.

You are all doomed because of your irresponsibility. You should have thought this all out before you embarked on this voyage of crap.
Did you find this post helpful?