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feeling depressed for the last 9 months

I have been feeling depressed for the last 9 months. I don't know what to do. I am in a bad spot. I really don't know what to say...so ill just start from the beginning. Please don't be upset with me and my spelling or grammar, I'm just going to write.

I am a 38 year old male, father of a 14 year old son and have been married for 16 years. I am a former Marine and gulf war vet. I have dedicated my life to others. I have been a full time police officer the last 14 years and have been involved in law enforcement the past 22 years.

The trouble started November of 2006. In 2006 I was asked and accepted a bid to run for sheriff of my home county. I was currently a Sergeant with a small city just outside the county i lived in. I knew it would be a hard fight and really didn't think i stood a chance. During the campaign i started to pick up some momentum. In March we surprised a large number of people by winning our party nomination as a large underdog. I was on cloud nine. The sacrifice my family had to make, the 80 hour work weeks and flat out hard worked had payed off...right...not really. This is when the good ends and the bad starts.

During the primary campaign i was promoted to Chief of Police, after winning the primaries i was given a letter stating that I would no longer be needed as Chief due to my political endeavors and that they felt I was no longer a good fit. One board member told me when i confronted them about the letter that i was "two timing" the city by running for sheriff in a different county. I received this letter on September 4Th 2006. Why do I remember the date...cus it was my birthday.

So that was a bad thing... the good thing was that i was still in the running for sheriff. The November election was two months away and i felt i would win. November 7Th came and i lost. Now i have no Job. This is when the depression started. I was fine for the first few months but when i started to apply for Jobs in the area i soon found out that, the guy who beat me out for sheriff had black listed me. So i couldn't find work.

I did pick up some part time work for a small town and then got hired back by the city that let me go, also part time. After a while i noticed i was getting angry at things that never bothered me before. Then I lost my sex drive and that has affected my marriage.

Now as time has gone by my anger, pain and embarrassment has gotten the best of me. I hate myself for being on the pity pot almost as bad as i hate myself for putting my family in this spot. I love my wife and son and would never think of suicide. I would never hurt them in that way. However i am hurting them daily by being down or angry. I hate to go to work for the first time in my life. I hate that I hurt my family. I hate that I hate.

I would go talk to a therapist or something but if it ever got out that i needed help it could affect me getting a full time job in the area. I know about the Hippa laws but as a supervisor i know that that info can and has leaked out costing some a chance in law enforcement. I just can't take that risk.

Some of my anger and depression stems for the fact that i have helped 100's of people with some of the same pain I'm going threw now...but i can't help myself and i can't go get help. I feel trapped with no way out. Well this ends my first post. I know no one can help me on this forum but writing makes me feel a little better. Anyway thanks to anyone with a kind word.
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replied July 23rd, 2007
First of all, don't beat yourself up about losing your job as Cheif of Police. You know how politics work. You should have been commended for trying to make your life better for you and your family. You did nothing wrong. Someone was jealous of you, and had the power to take that away. It wasn't your fault. And, you knew that when you ran for sheriff that there was a chance you would lose. Again....all politics. I really feel like you should talk to someone about how you feel...keeping it to yourself won't help for sure. If you are afraid that someone may find out you are seeing a therapist, go to a different town where no one knows you. Are you a religious person? I recommend finding religion. I am a Christian person, and I believe that what you tell yourself...that is how your life is going to be. If you believe that things will go better, they will. I recommend a book by Joel Osteen called Your Best Life Now. It will really help you have hope in your life. Take a look at your family and how much they mean to you. They deserve you at your best. Be thankful for every blessing in your life, and try not to focus on the negative things that have happened. You love your wife. She is obviously very important to you. You don't want her to have to see you this way. She and your kids want you to be happy and full of life. They want to see you smiling and laughing, not depressed. I am a wife and mom of 2...It would kill me to have to watch my husband go through this. Do this not only for yourself, but for your family, too. I will be happy to help you in any way that I can. If only just someone to vent to. Let me know how things go. Best wishes!
Tasha
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replied July 23rd, 2007
Community Volunteer
Hello Friend
Firstly - I'd be angry at the way you were treated and how it's effected your family and you in the process.

Who asked you to run for Sherrif in the first place? do they know how you were treated and the consequesnces you incurred because of it?

Doesn't the law protect good guys like yourself, you were running for a job that would have benefitted your county.

Turn your anger into positive action, find out if the law is with you on this, and fight for your rights ...

I hope your wife and son are supportive, although I can imagine how difficult life has been for you all over the past months.

You seem a decent guy, that was looking to progress up a ladder, and someone had taken the rungs away, it's not a fair game that these people have played, now learn thier game, and use it to win.

Don't turn it into an obsession, but stay level headed, you've hit rock bottom, now it's time to get back onto your feet.

Good luck - and keep us posted, we're always here to help and support you.

Ginger
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replied July 24th, 2007
I want to thank you both for responding to me. I don't have a lot of time write now to answer all your question...but i will soon.

As for my job i was a non union department..employee at will thing. I have no grounds to sue. If i did i dont think they would have been so candid with me. Anyway thanks for your response...i will write again soon.
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replied July 16th, 2009
look onegoodcop let me tell you something quick. You are living in a developed country and I am in one that is developing. US is a country of dreams - anyone can make it. I am also depressed right not for very simmilar reasona and I can sulk, hate and become upset.

but when the going gets tough the tough gets going...and thats you a tough guy. so pray, be thankful, watch 'the secret' on you tube again be thankful for the air you breath and challenge yoursel back again. be positive towards the blessings you already have and you will be soon reaping rewards. Trust.

you have only one life and thats what you make of..and I am going to make that too.
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