Medical Questions > Mental Health > Bipolar Relationships Forum

The Self Destructive nature of a bi-polar woman

I have been through a year long hellish journey of dating a woman who is bi-polar. I want to share my story so others can try to understand what is happening to them and know that aren't alone. This has to be one of the most painful things I have gone through in my 37 years on this planet, so here's my story....
About a year ago a woman walked into my job and I was instantly attracted to her, at the time I was engaged to someone, it wasn't exactly going well, we had hit a rough patch in our relationship and I was starting to have doubts. I didn't say anything out of line to this new woman, I exchanged some light humor but kept it clean and civil. I'm a pretty moral person and I'm not a cheater so since I was in a relationship I was not going to hit on her despite how I felt. A month went by and she called and left her number at the front desk because she had to ask me a question about something. After a short mental debate I decided to call and answer whatever question she had. In hindsight I shouldn't have. She lived near my job and we began seeing each other in the neighborhood, having short chats etc. Then the texting started, another mistake on my half. One day she asked me why I never hit on her, I told her my story, I told her that I was engaged to be married but I was having doubts, that I was starting to think I was going to get married just to make my family happy and give my parents grandkids. I whole heartedly expected her to never talk to me again, but then the texting and the occasional chats increased. All the while I would go home and look at my fianc with tears in my eyes hoping she would wake up and see I was troubled, but it never happened. One night her and I went to her apartment. As it had turned out she had just gotten out of a relationship with a guy she said was a complete a-hole, that she was living with him and she had to leave in a hurry and luckily her friend had leased a new place and was letting her stay in her old apartment til that lease was up at the end of the month. All that was in there was an air mattress and a make-shift couch made out of blankets. That night we listened to music and I told her all my fears and how all I wanted was to be happy with someone who really loved me and could relate to me, she told me she could be that. She told me she got married at a young age and divorced her husband 4 years later because he was holding her back and she left him. But she said that she now realized that it was a mistake and that he didn't like her new friends and he just wanted to keep the family together. She has a daughter. Ironically it was not her husbands, it was another mans who she was with prior to him, he began dating her while she was pregnant and vowed to raise her daughter like it was his own. Of course in the end she left that guy too. I thought this was all odd but I let it go. I kissed her that night, I went home and I could smell her on my and my heart fluttered. Within a few nights we had sex, I wasn't proud of what I had done, but I was determined she was the love of my life and I was going to break it to my fianc that it was over. At the end of the month the lease ran out and she went down south to her sisters to help out with her wedding. She said she would be gone for a month and we decided when she came back we would figure out what we were doing. I broke up with my fianc within a few days of her leaving for her sisters. Even though my fianc and I knew things were not going good at that time she was devastated. I still regret hurting her, but I made my decision and I have to live with it.
When the other woman returned we were now officially a couple, she would text me constantly while she was away and we even Skyped every night. I thought it was cute, I thought she just really loved me, now I see it for what it was. When she came back to me Hurricane Sandy hit and the place she was going to move to was severely damaged. I let her stay with me at that time, but we had decided that once things were back to normal she would find a place of her own. That never happened. She convinced me that she had moved back her to be with me and it was unfair to ask her to move out after all we had been through in that short period of time, I let her stay. Shortly after that we went on our first vacation and that's where the trouble started. We got into our first argument in a restaurant in Boston. She told me that she wanted to go to a bar and drink. I told her I wasn't a drinker myself and I would rather not. She kept picking at me about it and eventually it turned into an argument. We got back to the hotel and I said to her that since she had a parent that was an alcoholic maybe she shouldn't go out and drink to excess in bars, she flipped out. The ride home was rough, I remember saying to her that if this is how our relationship was going to start out then maybe we should re assess things, but every time I looked at her my heart would melt. I was completely in love with her. We made up and things seemed ok when we got home.
It was now getting towards winter and things seemed to be going O.K. I would come home from work, she would have dinner waiting for me, then she would have sex with me like I was going to jail tomorrow. I couldn't believe how lucky I was. One night we were cuddling on the couch and she yawned so me, thinking I was being cute put my finger in her mouth. She went absolutely ballistic, screaming crying and so on. I was completely freaked out, but again we smoothed it out and I let it go. a few more weeks went by without incident and then one night I get home, we are having dinner and she tells me that her ex boyfriend contacted her to have her do some work for him. I got pretty upset, I told her that there's no reason to talk to him, that I am the man in her life now and I can provide anything she needs, besides if things were so good with him we never would have met. She completely dismissed my feelings, she accused me of being jealous and controlling. I was floored by this, no woman had ever accused me of those things and I actually began to second guess myself. She suggested we go to see a counselor and I went with it. Keep in mind at this point we were only going out 6 months but I loved her so much I agreed, I even put her on my health plan so she could get benefits and see a doctor for a few other things. Three years prior she had quit her job and started her own business because she said she couldn't work for other people. During those years she just didn't get around to getting her own medical benefits. Her daughter had moved in with the biological father at that point because she was having behavioral problems with her and she felt she couldn't raise her alone. The daughter by the way is a very sweet young girl but has signs of depression and is very confused about her sexual orientation, I found out why later.
So we start going to a counselor that she picks and we state our issues with one another. I say that I don't like the fact she wont let go of her ex, she says that she very easily can but wont because she thinks I'm jealous and controlling. The doctor asks if she knows it hurts my feelings and its that easy then why don't she just do it. That question gets no reply, instead its deflected with bouts of crying. After 2 sessions the counselor asks her if shes even been diagnosed as bi polar. To that question she states yes by one other Dr but when she went to get a second opinion another Dr just said she had a hormone imbalance. The counselor recommends a nearby clinical psychologist for her to go see and he diagnoses her as having sever depression with signs of bi polar 2. He puts her on Lexapro, this is when things really go wrong. He starts her off with a low dose of 5mg, at this point things are looking good, she still has feeling but she isn't having explosive fits of crying. Then she goes to 10 and everything changes and not for the better, our arguing increases and she is completely devoid of any emotion. My hours at work change and I am not home much at that time. But every time I come home my frustration increases. It gets to the point that she moves out and we begin to see the counselor separately. One night while I'm at work she calls me to tell me she got rid of her ex on facebook and she wanted to be friends with me on facebook now since he was gone. I was estatic, I ask her why the change of heart? She tells me its because I was nagging her and she didn't want to hear it anymore. My heart sank, I told her that I wanted her to do it because she saw how it hurt me and wanted to make a difference in our relationship, she told me she couldn't do this anymore and we needed to break up. Ironically it was around the same time she broke up with the guy she claimed was a complete jerk.
For the last month and a half I have tried to get her back, I expressed concerns about her mental health and I wanted to be there for her and help her on her journey through these dark places in her mind. At first it seemed to be going well, it came out that as a child her father molested her quite a bit, I wont go into graphic detail but he deserves to burn in hell for what he did. One day she would be happy, the next she would tell me all the things wrong in our former relationship, she said that I was the one that has problems not her. This week was going well, it seemed like she was coming around. We joked about me stealing a kiss from her on a street corner that we once made out on, then she shut down. I backed off. She talked about doing something this weekend and sleeping over. Again I was over joyed, but like a few times before she changed her mind and I was completely destroyed. I finally had enough, this afternoon she was acting normal, she said she needed to go to the grocery store and if I could do her the favor and take her. When I got to her apartment she began to tell me how the counselor keeps telling her shes mainc and needs to see a new Doctor since she decided to go off her meds and ditch the other psychiatrist. She said the counselor was against her and how she doesn't think that the counselor can help her anymore. I just listened. Then she went on to tell me that she wanted to buy a bicycle to get around because she doesn't want to call me anymore. I reminded her that she owes me a decent sum of money and I would like to get that first before she goes and buys more things. I told her I knew what she was failing financially and I wanted to help her, not with money but emotional support. She scoffed at me, told me forget about this weekend. I reminded her why she doesn't want to be with me and we cant talk anymore. That was my limit. I dropped her off, told her I want my money at some point and goodbye. I know 2 things in my heart, 1. She is not going to continue to get help for her issues and she is going to slide right back into what she has become and 2 I will never see that money. All this really saddens me, I find myself wondering is she really the girl I met or was that just a manic manifestation, is she really just the person I see before me now? I cant say. I found out through all this that her ex husband and I aren't the only guys she had done this to. A few years back she dated a guy for 2 years and convinced him to buy a house with her. She left him a few months later, the house was foreclosed on. She owes THOUSANDS of dollars in loans, my head is reeling with all this.
So take this as a precautionary tale, whether you dating someone who is male or female and they are bi-polar be very careful, you can give them the world, you can do everything right in the end it doesn't matter they will shut down on you and disappear. I'm fully convinced though that if she truly wanted help for her problems and worked hard at making herself better things would have been alright. People with this disorder can make you feel like you're the greatest person in the world one week and complete crap the next. They are selfish and show no signs of empathy or regret for their actions. If they are seeking help stick with them til the end, but if they are in denial save yourself a lot of heart ache and run for the hills!
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First Helper Vladd
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replied September 6th, 2013
If anyone has a story to share, can relate, or can give me some positive advice please respond here. Part of me feels like Im abandoning her. The other part feels like you cant help someone who doesn't want to be helped
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replied September 7th, 2013
This sounds like my ex-girlfriend (When I say ex I mean it in a way that we're always on and off) apart from the sexual abuse you said (I agree her dad should be burnt in hell or just shoot dead on the spot). Sounds like its more then Bipolar mate and she should see someone just on that issue alone.

I am currently really trying to make it work with her and I am finding it hard but I won't give up because we do love each other so much, its very hard at times.

She has an ex that she is still friends with and I don't like it because her ex use to be one of my friends. (Its complicated)

Just want to tell you that there are other people in the same situation. But this sounds like a lot worse then mine. I hope you work it out mate.

Only difference is my girl gets help and always takes her meds. This could be the issue? Meds are important and I don't care who says different. Making sure she is taking the right meds is the key.
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replied September 9th, 2013
I was with my ex girlfriend for 4 years.. On and off because she cheated got upset so easy but she always came back now she's gone without reason and I miss her like mad I have no idea what to do?
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replied September 11th, 2013
Dating my ex for 2.5 years, she recently cheated on me, became emotionally unavailable to me for 2 months, stopped calling/texting, stopped wearing the 1200$ worth of jewelry I bought her, and started drinking A LOT more than normal and partying with new co-workers (hence the cheating).
I'm crushed still, we broke up 4 weeks ago but now she is slowly crawling back. We are meeting for coffee monday (first time ill have seen her in 3 months, we were apart all summer b/c of work) and we were going to exchange personal goods but now she wants to do that some other time... sounds like a plan to get back in my life. I'm really torn b/c she hasn't told me she cheated but both her bff's let me know she did b/c they are good people and know how good I've been to her. I wanted to marry this lady and gave her every ounce of love and support I could salvage.
The fact is, Bi polar is a nasty illness and often times the patient doesn't know that they are acting out or hurting the people the claim to love. Seems they fall out of love quickly and then BAM, they remember why they fell in love in the first place. I'm pretty confused but I do love my girl. Bottom line though, she cheated, she made that decision, and when our relationship hit a hard patch earlier this summer and I asked if she had done anything she regrets or had met someone else (3 times over 5 weeks I asked) she denied it everytime... My ex is on MEDS but refuses therapy, which she clearly needs to help her deal with her emotions. BOTH GO TOGETHER, ONE STABLIZES WHILE THE OTHER HELPS FEND AND REALIZE EMOTIONS AND EPISODES BEFORE THEY OCCUR!!! It;s tough love, really, and most times their partner becomes victim to a "fake" person, an individual who was replaced by mania... I know we were geographically seperated (50miles/100km) but still no excuse to stop contact and respect what we had. She was unfaithful, lied, and now she has to live with it or come clean. Monday will be interesting
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replied September 11th, 2013
Dating my ex for 2.5 years, she recently cheated on me, became emotionally unavailable to me for 2 months, stopped calling/texting, stopped wearing the 1200$ worth of jewelry I bought her, and started drinking A LOT more than normal and partying with new co-workers (hence the cheating).
I'm crushed still, we broke up 4 weeks ago but now she is slowly crawling back. We are meeting for coffee monday (first time ill have seen her in 3 months, we were apart all summer b/c of work) and we were going to exchange personal goods but now she wants to do that some other time... sounds like a plan to get back in my life. I'm really torn b/c she hasn't told me she cheated but both her bff's let me know she did b/c they are good people and know how good I've been to her. I wanted to marry this lady and gave her every ounce of love and support I could salvage.
The fact is, Bi polar is a nasty illness and often times the patient doesn't know that they are acting out or hurting the people the claim to love. Seems they fall out of love quickly and then BAM, they remember why they fell in love in the first place. I'm pretty confused but I do love my girl. Bottom line though, she cheated, she made that decision, and when our relationship hit a hard patch earlier this summer and I asked if she had done anything she regrets or had met someone else (3 times over 5 weeks I asked) she denied it everytime... My ex is on MEDS but refuses therapy, which she clearly needs to help her deal with her emotions. BOTH GO TOGETHER, ONE STABLIZES WHILE THE OTHER HELPS FEND AND REALIZE EMOTIONS AND EPISODES BEFORE THEY OCCUR!!! It;s tough love, really, and most times their partner becomes victim to a "fake" person, an individual who was replaced by mania... I know we were geographically seperated (50miles/100km) but still no excuse to stop contact and respect what we had. She was unfaithful, lied, and now she has to live with it or come clean. Monday will be interesting
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replied September 20th, 2013
I am 37, and your story is almost parallel to mine. I've never experienced anything like this either.

I met a woman and things went well -- at FIRST. We facebooked, texted a TON, talked, hung out (not as much as I would have liked, at first). As I got to know her more beyond the surface -- not so far later on -- she started displaying what I now understand are classic signs of bipolar, though I suspected things were kinda weird that she got mad at me for small things, but had never experienced anything like this before so I didn't know how to take it. People who are more familiar with the disease told me that it seems she displays common characteristics because I could not figure out what the heck was going on.

She flies off the handle at the drop of a hat, over TOTALLY inconsequential things (things ANYONE otherwise wouldn't bat an eye at). I used to sit around and cry and cry and cry and what always went through my thoughts during all of this was "but I didn't do anything" and I know I didn't. I always felt like I was going crazy because I KNEW I didn't do anything to her and yet she would just blow up out of nowhere. This was before I caught on that something was indeed wrong with her and that she needs some professional help. And then I cried still because of the turmoil that would always ensue and how we would 'break up' every other day it seemed like. She got mad at me and even changed her phone number on me because one day she was being unbelievably kind, after she completely blew up on me and I joked around and asked her if she had a drink or smoke. She told me that was crossing a detrimental line. It's the craziest things. She and I didn't talk or over three weeks (though she talked to and put on a veneer to others - how does that happen?), and then we got together and talked and I asked her straight out if she is bipolar. She got really mad at me. Later she said she was in bed for three days crying because I asked her that question and because I think that of her.

She had a dr appointment and she came over to pick me up after. Less than being in the car for 2 minutes she just started being rude. We went to a restaurant and out of NOWHERE she just started acting up. I went into the bathroom and started crying, thinking 'here we go again' and I came back out and she was so argumentative I swear over NOTHING. I ended up leaving the place and didn't even touch my food. She still didn't think she did anything wrong and asked me if I was going to take responsibility for my part. My part for what? Going out to lunch with you? Because that's all I did and she just snapped.

TRUST me there are SO MANY MORE incidents and so many signs, but I won't go into detail about them all. I finally drew the line and reached my limit just a little while ago almost two weeks ago, right after that incident at the restaurant. I told her I would not pursue her anymore -- I always was the one writing her trying to make up after we argued and she would have these blow ups, even though I did NOTHING to her, just to clear the air because I wanted her back - and of course after it was like if nothing had ever happened, which really weirded me out.

My limit was when I bought her some stuff - some small things that really didn't cost that much money, BUT I bought them exclusively for HER and with her in mind, which makes them invaluable plus I have a very limited income, barely work and also was just about to enter a doctoral program, so 10 bucks may not mean much to some, but it is a much bigger deal to others. And this is exactly what I told her after she told me she DIDN'T want what I bought her. I told her that I have limited funds and besides that it is just plain hurtful, and she FLIPPED. She started yelling (through email we were emailing back and forth), saying how dare I dangle what I don't have in front of her and how dare I think she is privileged and so much other CRAZY stuff. She made it out like I was attacking her -- like she always does. I wasn't surprised that she was flipping out like that because I guess it had just happened so many times before. The difference this time was that instead of running around crying over what happened, I decided that was the last straw. I had done everything I could to show her that I liked her, I was willing to stick around her even after all of this crap because I had grown to deeply care or her and others and such. But when I look at it MOST of our interactions were just toxic. She really needs professional help, and I'm not sure if she just doesn't want to admit it because she's in denial or what the deal is.

All I know is I that that was it. I blocked her email from being able to send me anymore messages, blocked her on facebook so now I can't even see anything she comments on through mutual friends, and likewise she can't see me. I also deleted her new phone number (that thankfully I didn't memorize yet) out of my phone and decided that is it. I do find myself missing her, but it is just not worth it to me anymore. There is only so much a person can take.

Know, original poster, that you are absolutely not alone with what you have gone through and how you feel.
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replied September 22nd, 2013
SuperDuperChiq and Burr1013 all you guy's

Hi i'm Evan i'm 24.

I relate to both of you guys,I met my ex over this website which btw is very overrated and i no longer use among other reason's as well,Anyway's my relationship with my ex of year now was good at first.
(Yea we hung out went on few date's)etc by January thing's really got rough.

Much like you described same with my ex but she warned me about it but i my self have issue's mostly depression.She did the same as well got mad at me for little things or even took it out on me,i never judge her she did take med's but was short of by Jan which around the time she left me for a "friend" cause she went back on social network at first i didn't mind cause we both use too troll people on their but after that.

Her pattern changed and got worse since then she's broken up with me at least five time's for no reason if not more at all i've always been for her support cared for her been nothing but nice and we on and off pretty much all year count this year.

And i know exactly how you feel i wonder alot myself i remember she be really hostel towards me and made feel horrible about myself making me feel like a bad guy,you have no idea how much i've done for this girl my ex is 2yrs apart from me she's 22 i just turned 24 few days ago.


I remember last week i came visit her,cause she wanted to see me after we had skyped and talked about are relationship/friendship so my ex had got mad at me a week before we last saw or talked to each other this also around time we got back together before she ended with me AGAIN.It was all cause i got drunk one night and started getting depressed cause what my ex did to me twice happened back both July and August with two different guys the other she met on that pathetic social network who just used her for sex.
which one of she happen to know for 3yrs online and saw him tamp and her parent's weren't happy with either he turned be a douche bag who also did same thing between June,July,August and one other month i went heavy drinking and need alot help and i made few attempts to kill myself seven time's threw all damaged pain i went threw which i won't get into detail about it all my summer was horrible.

So yea i brought up to my ex cause she was talking about friend stuff and how hurt she was about some very similar to what she did me and she snapped at me i was pissed off and hurt.she said to me "What that happen like a year ago" and copped whole attitude as if this was my fault not mention she's on really bad term's with my family my sisters really don't like her so it's she caused more drama,she did apologized about the past and everything she's put me threw and believe's i don't believe her which is kinda true she's had many chance's to make that right i don't trust her at all,oh she think i hate her also,honestly i think she need help she can't help her self she doesn't work i've put so much into relationship and done so much for her which in return been betrayed and taken for granted and feel unappreciated so she brought up now we don't give each other enough time and stuff about us and etc.
Not mention she made feel like crap over some weed and once her friend showed up anonymously and wanted to hang out and have her come over and left me hanging and per pressuring for my ps3 which was still over so let them borrow it.

That day i wanted spend time with her at least tell my b-day but that never happened so her mom took us all and dropped me off to bus stop and i felt like crap not mention my ex kept apologizing about what she said about her my sister cause she hurd what she said about her,then said some really disrespectful uncalled for stuff about her.

So later that day on the 12th of this month i walked 8mile's home from bus hurt and pissed off i didn't take the bus home it take's my me two buse's just get back home and one car ride from her mom to get to her so yea i go above and beyond for her i've walked all way their but those when i was drunk and mentally unstable from unfaithful ex-gf.

So yea i believe she needs help and help self the last we talked was when came home and i don't talk to her facebook much never really i also found out she's found another guy who chased after recently cause before she was all anti love is a gamble and doesn't wanna either of us and stay focused on her self yea...that was a lie so i haven't talked her since and i'm deactivating my facebook cause all of my ex and this stuff screwed up my life and i'm done with it,i don't care anymore i give up it's not worth it anymore or worth the time,their for i'm done being emotionally drained.

And i still need get my ps3 at her house before leave town in the end i have gotten better and faded outta from all this her time is up.
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replied September 22nd, 2013
yea as far whole anti love is cause all things she put me threw and situations she put self threw as far whole tamp thing she was cutting her self and realized i was worth more to her then other guy who left her alone not mention her family had spend 100 dollars just to get back here in Orlando and that's other part but obliviously i wasn't then and now all my feelings matter to her now? yea my ex is extremely selfish.

but that's ok i'm staying more focused on my self i'm currently working on my streetart again and writing a new novel and some along hoping get new job in the end.
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replied March 28th, 2014
hi i am a 23yo bipolar woman and i'm learning a lot from y'all's feedback. i'm scared of being bipolar... scared of what it does to me... your stories put into perspective certain facets of emotions that go right over my head. it stems from control issues and emotional baggage (at least my bipolar does) and i work at it almost every day as consciously as i can. please keep writing if you have more to say --- you might be helping girls that won't break your heart! i chose emotional detachment in relationships because i was feeling down on myself. i preferred an air of mystery over any real commitment for lack of faith or confidence in myself. i am currently off medication but i still fly off the handle sometimes, but i've limited social contact so much that the only person i'm hurting anymore is myself and also my mother, who i live with for now... i do things like throw out expensive electronics, i've dropped out of college four times now, and i change my mind a lot... but like i said, since my diagnosis i have limited social contact except for a few one night stands. we're sirens, so don't listen to us! we cry for help and trick you into thinking we need you. we don't. we're nymphs, too
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