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That broken hearted despair inside is back on a fleeting sight o

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Back in the 1980's I was halfway through a college course, I was a single mum and trying to make a better future for me and my son. I dated a Nigerian boy Richard, I really was in love he was so handsome, so affectionate, I loved his family in London. After a year or so he just disappeared, I couldn't reach him, contacted his sister or maybe she contacted me. Long story short he had flown off to the US, his brother lived there with his American wife and kids. I was devastated, went through genuine grief, so lonely and lost, I thought he was the one. His sister called me and broke the news he had gone explaining he knew it would hurt me and he couldn't stand to see that. I went through the motions of life always missing him although we had spoken on the phone and I tried to be all upbeat. A posted him a photo of myself and a year on a letter arrives telling me he has his own apartment and misses me will I marry him, the ball is in my court. I wrote back a big yes. Had no money to fly off to him, too proud to borrow any. No social media to chat with him in those days. Waited and waited no reply, never thought maybe he never got the letter, should have pursued it further via his sister. What the hell was wrong with me that I didn't find out had he changed his mind or did the letter go missing. Fast forward decades, married again had two more children, named one after my lost love. Even when having those children I mourned they were not my loves. Divorced, married a kind man from Nigeria, reasonably happy not in love with him but love him now because of all the years together fondness grows. But I found our my loves sister died and went to her funeral nearly a week ago, from a distance in the church my lost love was there, obviously he has lived his life with a wife and grown up children by now I expect. I had not been in contact with his sister since maybe 2002. I'm grieving again, he never saw me there and I didn't make myself known, so now he has probably gone back to US and that was the last chance to ever find out what happened. I am grieving for his sister, I am grieving for him, I am grieving because it is impossible to turn time back and I'm getting old realising , I'm dissapointed how my life turned out. So many losses and the pain is awful and tears falling. There is still a chance I could find out via the deceased's grown up sons who I have fondly observed grow up over the ears on Facebook. Not a stalker just genuine love for them, but never bothered them. I lost my mum to cancer in 2002 and my brother suicide in 2004, my husband had an affair a few years after that. Hes so kind to me now but has never been very demonstrative like kissing or complimenting me. Yet he shows it with gifts and being very caring in other ways. I know I have more than many and I shld be grateful but I'm just hurting all the time and doing the brave face outside thing again, that's why I'm rambling here.
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Tags: Suicide, Cancer
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