Medical Questions > Parenting > Teens Forum

Teen is sexually active as lies about it.

I know my 17 yr old is sexually active, it's obvious but when I try to talk to her she won't talk. She doesn't respect me and wont talk about much. She's been having sex since 6th grade and im not sure what protection shes been using. Her friends have told me about my daughter and i have almost caught her i believe. she also smokes and lies about that to. Ive tried making her move but that didnt work either. Now my youngest girl is starting the same crap. Rolling Eyes
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replied April 28th, 2009
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Who's the ADULT?
Girlfriend, as long as you put up with crap, they are gonna give you crap. Sometimes we have to give out TOUGH LOVE...I've found that BOOT CAMP at home works wonders! Kids today feel they have hte upperhand and just do as they please...and a lot of adults let them, because its easier than having to put up wiht the BS afterwards.....Kids need guidance and rules...they need to learn respect and patience. Lay down some ground rules and stick to it. Asfor your active daughter (time for her to go to the public health department and sign up for family planning (free physical, birth control pills and condoms,....
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replied May 31st, 2009
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hey, im 15 and i believe they have probleems. you should first procede to educate them. talk with them. then you should go and ground them (bar their windows if need be)
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replied June 9th, 2009
Experienced User
As for the sex, she is approaching adulthood and I wouldn't worry too much about it. I would worry who she's having sex with, and if she is properly protected.

As for the smoking, Fairy Godmother is correct. Sex will (usually) not kill you. Smoking will, and is a dangerous and self destructive behavior.
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replied June 9th, 2009
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It isn't too late for your younger daughter. Put up boundaries for her early, but don't be so strict she feels the need to rebel. Talk to her openly about sex and express your values to her. Be honest with her so she can feel comfortable being honest with you. You may even want to talk to her about her sister's behavior. Express your disapproval, but also your love for her. Let her know that no matter what, you are their mother and you will always love them.

Also, tell her that smoking is a nasty habit and nice boys don't like girls that smoke. Smile

As for your older daughter, I think something else is going on. Sexually active in 6th grade is in no way normal. I hate to ask, but was she ever abused growing up by anyone? I think counseling would be best at this point. She may not be able to talk to you, but to someone who cannot betray her trust (unless she's going to hurt herself or someone else), she may feel more open. Don't approach it as a punishment, but rather an opportunity for her. Regardless of what happened, she's very lost right now.

I disagree with Nick157. The promiscuity will still be a problem when she's an adult. In fact, it will be worse, because at that point neither you or the law can do anything about it.

It's not just about STDs and pregnancy, it's about her self worth. She should treat herself better than that. If she's been having sex since she was in sixth grade, I doubt she values herself in that way very much. She and your younger daughter need to know that sex should be an act of love, not an act of getting someone to like you or to get attention or anything like that. Sex may not kill as much as smoking does (although I think there's room for debate), but promiscuity will not lead to anything good. She will never be happy and respect herself that way.

I wish you all the best. This must be so difficult for you. You must feel so helpless. I can tell that you love your daughters and only want what's best for them. I really hope someday they realize that, too. Good luck with everything.
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replied June 9th, 2009
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"I disagree with Nick157. The promiscuity will still be a problem when she's an adult. In fact, it will be worse, because at that point neither you or the law can do anything about it.

It's not just about STDs and pregnancy, it's about her self worth. She should treat herself better than that. If she's been having sex since she was in sixth grade, I doubt she values herself in that way very much."

One cannot make a judgment on how another values oneself based on his or her sexual activity. I know for a fact that if we were talking about a 17 year old guy, we would not be assuming that he has "self worth problems" (this is not including the 6th grade sex) based on his sexual activity. I hesitate to jump the conclusion that just because someone enjoys having sex (who doesn't?), he/she has emotional problems.

Your indicator that there is a problem should be from the fact that the OPs daughter had sex in the 6th grade, which is in no way normal. In this instance I agree with Lydia. Your daughter may need help.
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replied June 9th, 2009
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Enjoying sex is one thing. People can enjoy lots of things, sex, drinking, whatever. It's when it starts to interfere with the person's life and becomes excessive, then its' a problem. If she cannot have a stable relationship with a guy because of this or any other reason, that's a problem. This is a real worry if she started having sex at 12 or 13. She may think that's all guys want her for or that revolving a relationship around just sex is normal. It's not her enjoyment of sex, it's all the other emotional ramifications that come along with it.

I agree that if she had started having sex at 16 or 17, that wouldn't be as much of a problem, (that is unless she was being really destructive or having sex with a lot of guys or older men). I doubt her mother would like it and it may not be the best thing for her, but I wouldn't have suggested counseling--just open an honest communication between her and her mother, if possible, and birth control.

And if she were a boy and had sex at 12 or 13, I would have made the same recommendations. That's not normal or healthy, either.

I hope this clarifies my point. I don't think we disagree very much, if at all, on this.
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replied June 9th, 2009
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Your young woman certainly is having problems..Any idea if she has been abused in the past? sometimes this brings out this type of behaviour..You are the parent-set the rules and keep them.Tough love is needed in this situation..It also sounds like you all need group counceling..I am all for talk..You have got to find a way to stop her nonsense b4 your youngest thinks it's ok to do..Where is the father in all this? kd
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replied June 9th, 2009
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Then you and I misunderstood, and I do agree with you. For the record, 6th graders are usually 11 years old, not 12 or 13.
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replied June 9th, 2009
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yikes! at 17 i'm afraid you may be acting on this alittle bit late! You should have had these talks long ago about a)smoking B)sex,being safe and making the choice to wait until marriage or..realistically waiting for the RIGHT guy and c)respecting herself(and you)...i personally will NEVER let my child be alone in a room with a boy..heck no...especially at that age!!I'd like to know HOW she lost her virginity in middle school? who wasn't watching her?? I think the best way to approach it at this point is education...does she KNOW how to be safe while having sex? is she? does she know shes throwing away TONS of money on cigarettes and killing herself slowly? also..if you want respect you have to demand it..she is YOUR child..youre sorta letting her walk all over you...while under my parents house it has ALWAYS been their rules...smoking, eh..that was never a problem with me but if i did choose to do so I would NOT be allowed to do it while at their house..same goes for drinking and sex...if i'm under their house free of rent then I obey...if I dont then its simple: a)my tuition is taken away and b) I get my own place and start paying my own bills...i always knew those were the consequences and I never dared to test them..
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replied June 9th, 2009
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Nick157 wrote:
Then you and I misunderstood, and I do agree with you. For the record, 6th graders are usually 11 years old, not 12 or 13.


Okay, 11 or 12. Now that I think about it, I turned 12 halfway through 6th grade. But you're right, unless she was held back, 13 is too old.

My mistake.
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replied July 30th, 2009
I couldn't help but notice that many of the comments on here were from mothers. I know that from a mothers point of view, cwintermote, these will be very helpful, but, if I may, I'd like to just speak from a daughters point of view.
I'm 16. I may not be fully sexually active, but I know that if my mum started trying to coax facts about my relationships out of me, I'd avoid the question. Not out of disrespect, but out of embarrasment, and partially, shame. I know that sounds strange, but I worry that my arents would be dissapointed in me. Perhaps your daughter is sharing some of my anxieties. And whilst you have every right to call it 'crap', becoming angry with her may not be the best way to deal with it. Tough love, yes, but anger will cause her to put up even more defences. I know it would me. What I'd like- personally- is for my mother to ask outright if I'd had sex. Tell me that it was ok if I had, but that she was upset because she was worried about my sexual health, and issues such as pregnancy. When you explain the reasons behind the anger, it makes it a lot easier for us to open up to you. If she still gives no response, that is the time to use the tough love, but I have no guidance for you there, I'm afraid. Razz
With regards to the smoking, I'd just repeatedly warn her about the dangers. Constant drumming of facts into the brain might make her stop. There is probarbly a lot of peer pressure happening as well.
With your youngest, talk to her. Answer all the questions she has about sex and smoking, and answer them well. A majority of a girls sexual knowledge comes from what she's taught by adults, not friends. You need to really educate her about the dangers, and the negatives. If all this does not work, at least you know you've done all you could possibly do, and whatever choices she makes from that point are her own, and she will have to learn to deal with the consequences of poor decisions.
Hope this has kind of helped. Good luck,
Lauren. x
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replied July 30th, 2009
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Lauren-Honey you are a wise young lady.k
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replied July 30th, 2009
Active User, very eHealthy
The problem with kids is, from the day they are born they learn who the boss in the house is. Kids are so good at manipulating their parents, and the weaker ones will not make the cut. You cannot give in to your child because it is easier, or because you want them to like you. You are the first teacher they will ever know, or learn from. You cannot give kids choices. You have to make the choices for them, because they are incapable of doing it themselves until they become adults. When you give a child free reign, they don't know what to do with it. They need guildlines they can follow to make them feel loved and cared for, no matter how much they tell you they don't. A parent that doesn't do this, gives off the aura of not caring to the child, and the outside world. And if you try to start taking control when they are older, they are going to fight you tooth and nail, because they know they can make you give in if they throw their tantrums long enough. So you have a tough job ahead of you. Make rules now and stick to your guns, no matter what. One thing you should never do is threaten a child with a punishment you will not follow through on. This teaches them that your words are meaningless.

If she continues this distructive behavior, I would tell her she needs to be on her own, that you can no longer sit and watch her self-distruct. A girl that has multiple sex partners so young, is one who has no self-esteem, and doesn't value her own body. She is doing it to be liked, she is not enjoying it. No matter how much she tells her friends she is "into" sex, the majority of young girls are doing it because of pressure from friends and the boys. You have to get tough on this, and stay tough. Girls always seem to be the harder ones to raise...they give their mother's a run for their money, but as they mature, they begin to see that things you did, you had to do to protect them. Some day they will be mothers, and they will understand, IF they make it through their teenage years!
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replied July 30th, 2009
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I agree somewhat with raven. Even at 17 she is under your roof and you are responsible for her. You will be responsible for this time with her through all of her life. You have to be in control of her life even if it is only tacitly.
Sit your daughter down and talk to her like an adult. Tell her you have always tried to foster freedom in her life and let her make decisions but lately you are very worried about her behavior. Tell her you don't interfere with her life as some kind of hobby but because it is your job and because you love her. Explain that you don't want to be her jailer but if she won't talk to you about your concerns she puts you in a position where you have to spy on her and restrict her freedom. You'd like her to think about the relationship she wants to have with her mother and you both can talk about it over dinner tomorrow..

Keep in mind that your daughter is just about property. You can bodily restrain her within reasonable effort to protect her from harm. You can search any possession she has for cigarettes, drugs, incriminating emails. Most law enforcement districts will be supportive of a parent. If you call the non-emergency line and tell them your daughter has run out of the home and you'd like her picked up and returned to keep her from becoming a delinquent most cops are happy to do a little preventative law-enforcement for you.

If you get the communication you want you need to realize it is what you wished for. Your daughter could admit things to you you never suspected and may even try to shock you to prove her point of not talking about things. Do not judge her or criticise her for things she confides in you. Advise her about dangers, force her to justify her problematic behavior, suggest alternatives but if you just shut down the dialogue then you're back to where you were.
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replied July 30th, 2009
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Thanks WOLF.. now this is where you and I differ. I have a daughter..I know first-hand, they do NOT want to talk to their mother's about their personal lives when they are doing things they know are not acceptable. Granted, there are a very few, who will talk because they think of their mother as another girlfriend, but usually these mothers are pretty free spirited to begin with, which makes their child more open.

My approach: This is MY house, I am the parent. Until you are old enough to be on your own, MY RULES APPLY. If I catch you doing something I know will be harmful to you or others, you WILL face the consequences. You know what is expected of you. You will be making choices that will follow you into adulthood, and could possiby affect your life, and the lives of others. IF you make a mistake you are truly sorry for, come to me, and we'll deal with it. If you are going to give me attitude,
don't to do anything you know I will find offensive unless you are prepared to handle it YOURSELF.
I love you, and it is my job to turn you into a well balanced, self-sufficient member of society, and I am prepared to do whatever it takes to succeed. So you have two choices. You either follow the rules of the house, for which you will be well rewarded with a stable, happy life, or go against everything you were taught is right and be preapared to deal with alot of grief, confusion and stress ON YOUR OWN.
Now, let's go get some pizza!

The choice should be fairly obvious to a smart child!
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replied August 10th, 2009
I only have one thing to add, as someone who was at one time (not long ago at all) a 17 year old girl. When I am staying at home I live with my moms rules. My dad was a crazy druggy so I lived with my mom most of the time. She made sure that I knew she loved me no matter what but she also told me she would be dissappointed if I were to do anything she considered stupid. I hated dissappointing my mom (still do) if I did anything she would not approve of I would loose a little bit of her trust and I hated that feeling.
All she had to say to me was "I love you sweety, no matter what you decide to do. Yes sometimes I may be dissappointed or angry with you but I still love you even then. If you do anything to lose my trust it will suck but I still love you." then I knew nothing would make her love me less but i could loose respect and trust and it really did seem like the end of the world to me lol. It kept me out of sex and drugs even when I was with my wacked out fauther.
she started with me at a young age so I would recamend trying this with your younger daughter, but i'm not sure what to say about the older one.
Sorry this is soo long.
Jems
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replied August 10th, 2009
plus since I didnt have a high paying job she stopped paying for movies and stuff for me lol
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replied August 21st, 2009
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hi im the mom of a 17 year old boy who is VERY open with us he tells all. because from the time he knew what a penis was for we have been very open with him. its a running gag with me and him when he goes any where or the subject of girls come up i say with a laugh "dont do drugs wear a condom" and thats all and he does thank god we buy them for him when he needs them and instill in him to be respectfull to the girl and her wishes and feelings. he was told the facts at 10 years and whenever he had a question no matter how embarrising for us we answered right away. hes a great son who is respectfull and open and confident. let her know you respect her wishes and she will return it. you cant stop it so accept it as a possible fact and get her on birth control . show her your understanding right away. im thankfull i was so open with him from an early age its surely saved me alot of worrying . maybe go to a class for unwed teenage girls and sit together and listen to the stories the girls have and maybe she will see she has a understanding mother to go to so much trouble for her well being. hope you the best.
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replied June 12th, 2010
okay. im a 16 year old teenager, i too have lied to my parents about sex, smoking, etc. to be honest i was uncomfortable talking to my parents about sex, and how to be safe. if she was having sex so young my guess is that she didnt feel very loved or close to her parents and wanted to feel loved by someone if only for the moment. you are probably wondering how i get off telling you this, well as a child i was abused, i was raped, im now adopted and all is well. but the reason i started having sex so you is because i wasnt cared much about, and my sexual partner cared just a little. as with the smoking, she is more than likely thinking that you dont care and if you did you would stop her, etc. but what you can do is this: sit down, have an honest conversation, dont get mad at what she says and dont yell. tell her you would rather her be open with you and make sure she is safe than her ending up pregnant. if the situation gets worse, ground her. clean out her room to where she only has a bed and clothes. make her earn her stuff back. she will soon want to talk more openly and freely. it will just take time.
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