My husband is obsessed with video games, his blackberry, ipods and pretty much anything that diverts him from the real world. He owns a business, is semi retired and works from home. I on the other hand work shifts and some weeks I can work up to 65 hours of nights. He never has dinner ready when I get home and the house is always messy from him not picking up his dishes. To top it all off, he refuses to shower or bathe more than once a week and he brushes his teeth every 2 days if i'm lucky. I have brought all of these issues up and explained to him that he is being disrespectful towards me. I have resorted to sleeping in the guest room because I can't stand his smell.His only reaction is to say that i am nagging him.

Not that I want to, but he never wants to have sex with me. If I do approach him (after he has showered of course) he pushes me off and invents some excuse like he has a sore stomach or he's too tired. I am also a very active person and do at least an hour of exercise a day. He on the other hand, refuses to leave the house to do any sort of activity. I find myself doing everything by myself or with friends/family He is not depressed...I have discussed that with him. I just think he is too self absorbed and lives in a superficial world and does not actually care what his happening in his environment. He says that he loves me but his actions obviously tell me something different.
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replied February 23rd, 2009
Active User, very eHealthy
have you thought of possibly going to counselling? this is only going to get worse if you leave it, as i am sure your aware of.
my sister inlaw was in the same situation pretty much as you. her husband would get up early, play video games, go to work, come home, pop right back onto the computer to play video games till 2 or 3am and do it all over the next day. she had 2 children with him and he was no help at all. and she got fed up and depressed over all the responsibility being on her shoulders and it got to the point where she asked her doctor to give her some pills to calm the anxiety. and hid that from her husband, then she got really fed up one day and laid everything on the table, and after that they fought, then decided they were going to start fresh from that point on, he started helping, played his video games less and she stopped taking the pills. and they are very happy with each other.

sometimes you need a fight like that to wake up a little.
it really sounds like a professional has to step in and get to the route of this problem. there has to be a reason why he is obsessed with this...maybe he misses having a full time job, or does not know what to do with himself because he is semi retired.

maybe the fact of working at home is giving him cabin fever, hes bored..
but of course this is not a reason to not shower more than once a week and brush his teeth 2 times a week.
has he always been like this?

maybe try talking to him about why he is constantly playing video games, there has to be a reason. ask him if hes missing something from his life, does he have some friends? maybe ask if he wants to have a guys night, to get him out and back into civilization.

im sure him making dinner would be a huge help on your end because you sometimes work very long hours, maybe you could ask him to make or order something for dinner 3 times out of the week, and just straighten up a little too...and shower more often, and maybe if he sees that after hes fresh and clean you want to be around him more often, maybe hes feeling neglected too and that could be why your sexual life is unsuccessful at the moment or why he makes excuses.
he still has to be able to do what he wants..but he has to think of other people too because there are two people who are important in this situation here, you and himself.
but he cannot always be focused on himself. there has to be a good balance between both.

and if he is still too big headed to try and make a difference in your relationship, maybe he is not worth your time or effort.
and maybe its time to move on.

i hope that was a little helpful.
and wish you the best of luck.
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replied February 23rd, 2009
Community Volunteer
Hi 2Peas and welcome to ehealth: I hope you don't mind but I have a few questions for you...... How old is he?....Does he exercise and how about his weight?....How long has this been going on?....What was your sex life like before he got into this rut?...

Caroline
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replied February 23rd, 2009
Counselling is probably what we need....
Thanks for the advice. He is only 39 and owns business that runs on its own. His weight is fine but I think it's because he smokes and doesn't really eat that much. He never exercises which is also a huge complaint of mine. We live in an area that has 2 ski resorts and 3 golf courses. There is so much stuff to do. He has always had these "rut" tendencies but now it is just out of control. Our sex life has never really been that active but it has never been this bad. I am only 32 and feel like i'm stuck with an old man. I think ProudMommy2008 is right...counselling is required. Now the difficult part will be to get him out of the house. He "put his back out" this weekend...another problem / excuse he uses to try to justify him playing video games and watching movies all weekend. I am so fed up that I am actually contemplating leaving him and finding someone who I can enjoy my life with. Right now it's like i'm single anyways. I do everything alone/with friends and he is never around for any fun stuff. He does manage to go out with his friends (i.e. for superbowl etc.) and then he will take a shower. But any even with me doesn't merit one. sigh...
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replied February 23rd, 2009
Active User, very eHealthy
tell him that.
does he know that you feel like doing that?
maybe if he hears that you feel like leaving him reality will sink in.
he'll be alone, he wont have someone there when he needs them, he wont have someone to do all the things you do for him, he'll be alone.

his back is out, and i know thats an excuse, but what else can he do.
my boyfriend used to go to the gym alot, he's in shape and isnt over weight or anything, but he doesnt go to the gym like he used to, he maybe goes once a year, but he's still the fun active guy as he's always been.
you have to be in the mood to exercise, want to go and some people just dont want to do it.
he might not be going just to get under your skin because you complain about him not going.

when his back is better, you should make an appointment for a marriage counsellor session.
and after a few sessions you can really think if this is worth it, or if you should start over.
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replied February 23rd, 2009
Community Volunteer
Re: Counselling is probably what we need....
2Peas wrote:
Thanks for the advice. He is only 39 and owns business that runs on its own. His weight is fine but I think it's because he smokes and doesn't really eat that much. He never exercises which is also a huge complaint of mine. We live in an area that has 2 ski resorts and 3 golf courses. There is so much stuff to do. He has always had these "rut" tendencies but now it is just out of control. Our sex life has never really been that active but it has never been this bad. I am only 32 and feel like i'm stuck with an old man. I think ProudMommy2008 is right...counselling is required. Now the difficult part will be to get him out of the house. He "put his back out" this weekend...another problem / excuse he uses to try to justify him playing video games and watching movies all weekend. I am so fed up that I am actually contemplating leaving him and finding someone who I can enjoy my life with. Right now it's like i'm single anyways. I do everything alone/with friends and he is never around for any fun stuff. He does manage to go out with his friends (i.e. for superbowl etc.) and then he will take a shower. But any even with doesn't merit one. sigh...


I am happy that you solved your problem....From your post where you said he was semi-retired, I thought you were talking about in his late 50's or 60's...There many people do run into problem....Good luck...

Caroline
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replied February 25th, 2009
Experienced User
Is he in depression??? Sounds like he is depressed.
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replied May 22nd, 2009
Supporter
it does sounds like he is depressed, but you said he isnt.

is it possible that once he was semi retired he has gotten lazy. i've heard of the no bathing thing, but i don understand the no sex thing.

i had to deal with a mate that didnt bathe alot, and i can tell you some stories!

i also dealt with a guy how was out of work and i came home to a dirty house, no food made.

counseling would be helpful, but the things that you would complain about would be very embarrassing to him.
and jumping out of one relationship and into another isnt a good idea, the next guy could be worse.
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