Medical Questions > Mental Health > Self Injury Forum

Taking anger out on myself

hi, i'm a 15 year old female. i would say i have a pretty good life. i have great friends, great siblings, and i actually love my life. but i cut myself. my mom went through a rough childhood, and she seems to take it out on me. she gets angry very easily, and takes every little thing out of proportion. and while my dad and siblings are out or at work, i'm stuck here and i get yelled at for every little thing. even if her and my dad are fighting, she seems to be miserable and aggravated with me. and one day she wouldn't look at anyone. and she got so mad because we made our own meal, and the only reason why we did is because if we asked her she would get mad and complain that she has to do everything around the house. and she would still be mad. and she left for a good 6 hours. and i just feel like i can never do anything right. so i cut myself. i didn't mean to, i just took a safety pin and dug at far down in my arm. and it didn't bleed that bad, but as the days went on i got hooked. and then it was a knife. and i dug down as hard as i could into my arm, and i swear i never saw myself bleed that much before. and then my best friend noticed that i was acting weird. and i knew i needed help. so i figured, she's already onto it, i'll tell her. so i did. and she didn't react the way i hoped she would. she just said why? and i explained my emotions and she just explained that it wasn't normal and that i need help. a couple days later my friend noticed i was covering up my wrist and i knew if i didn't tell her she would ask everyone what was up, and i would be figured out. so i showed her my wrist. and she was so surprised. she, along with everyone else in the world, doesn't see me as the type to do that. but when i cut myself i feel relieved. and most people feel stupid after they cut themselves, but i don't. i feel happy until i'm with my friends, laughing or having a good time. then i act as if i can always be happy without cutting myself. but i feel like the bottled up emotional pain from the inside comes out when i cut myself. and seeing the blood.. having tangible pain. being able to put my cry for help on the outside. without actually crying for help. i stopped cutting myself because i know how stupid it is, but every time my mom takes her anger out on me, i don't want to take my anger out on someone like she does to me, so i STILL want to take it out on myself. please don't judge me, and please don't tell me i'm broken, because i'm not. everyone is telling me to tell my mom because of my bad thoughts, (and i think i might be bipolar), but i don't think i can. because she's the one that cares for me. and if the person that raised me knows how broken i really am, my world will change. and i don't want anyone to think of me differently. because i love my life. and i don't want to have to tell my problems to some stranger because them they will only see the "broken" me, not the "put together" me. please help me. i'm not even myself anymore.
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replied May 24th, 2010
Hi, I know the place your in because i was there when i was a kid. When i was 13 i became rapid-cycling bipolar and naturally at that point i had no idea what was going on, i was scared and at the time hurting myself seemed like it helped me in same way it seems to help you. But, it does not help. All it is is a new way to bottle it up, and a destructive one at that. Your not actually dealing with your feelings and you'll end up having an emotional breakdown as i did.

I know it is not what you want to hear but going speaking to your doctor is by far the best thing you can do. I know its absolutely terrifying to do so, trust me i do, I was terrified even a few weeks ago when I went to tell my doctor things were getting bad again, and thats when he already knows my full history. All I can say to you is that getting help will make improve your situation.

And please, don't start hurting yourself again, i have to look down everyday at the scars left behind from when i was young, and thats really not fun. It makes it much harder to form relationships and all sorts. Its impossible to get to the point of being intimate with someone without having to tell them about your problems.

So in short, seeking help really is the best way to go. And doctors don't look at you like our broken, they try and help. doctors deal with this all the time, one of the most commonly dealt with conditions is depression.
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