Hello all! I didn't know where else to turn, so I am thankful I found this forum.
My ex-fiance and I met a year and half ago while I was dating a friend of his. We didn't know we had feelings for each other at the time, but earlier this year I broke up with the boyfriend and we admitted our feelings for each other and the rest is history. He lives quite a bit away from me right now so we have had to maintain a long distance relationship while we're still in school (I'm 27 and he is almost 22), but typically speak throughout the day via e-mail, Skype, call eachother, etc and talk daily about how much we love and miss each other and everything under the sun. Everything seemed perfect, and after some obstacles with figuring out who should move where, we had some plans set forth and were looking forward to seeing each other for a full month in a few weeks. Although I had my qualms about dating someone who was quite a bit younger than me (I typically date people my age or older), everything seemed "right", he seemed more mature than more of the guys I had dated, and our families adored us and each other so it seemed very positive.

The last time I went to visit, we talked in depth about some things in our pasts. I had an abusive husband for many years (who exhibited narcissistic behaviors)and had several not so pleasant relationships in the past where "nice" guys flipped and became complete nightmares literally overnight, so I was really cautious about becoming vulnerable, even to him. I did open up to him about my battle scars, and he did the same. Supposedly, five years ago he tried to end his life because of a fight with his father and his parents found him. I asked him if anything like that had ever happened again since, and he said it hadn't.It broke my heart that he felt he had no alternative but to end his life, but he was practically still a kid at that point so I didn't necessarily see it as a red flag. He acted kind, jovial, extroverted, and treated me like a goddess and was quite the old-world romantic. He has tons of friends, a good relationship with his sister (who he lives with while they go to Uni), and really displayed no warning signs of having any problems other than the occassional "down" day. I sometimes have days where I don't feel too great or happy, so I assumed it wasn't anything to be concerned about. He asked me to marry him, and of course I said "yes" because things were going so well. We both were happier than we had ever been (I thought).

Other than the occassional small tiff of misunderstanding here and there (which is normal for relationships, especially given the current distance), we were both very happy and had begin planning our wedding and making plans for his trip to visit (we already had about $600 worth of stuff booked for a romantic getaway).

Which brings us to about a month ago, when he had a childhood friend die in the protests in Cairo. He initially shut me out a bit (he has trouble dealing with his emotions and trust, I know now), but we were able to talk about it and it seemed to help him feel better. As I have lost several family members in the past few years, the grieving process and emotions involved are not at all foreign to me, so I understood why he was being so erratic. He said I was the best thing that ever happened to him and that he was a complete wreck before he met me, which I thought he may have been saying simply because he is a bit dramatic at times so I didn't really take it seriously.

Two weeks later, we're on the phone talking about music and books and being jovial and light, and out of nowhere he starts "going into a dark place" because he was thinking of the "scars of his past" and "couldn't get over them. He then said, "No matter what happens to me, just know that I truly love you with all of my heart." This, of course, sent me into a panic. He starts screaming, and I demand that he tells me what is going on. Instead, he shows me. He had cut his wrist, wrapped it in a t-shirt, and blood was going everywhere. He started to panic because he realized what he had done and I begged him to go to a hospital, but he was too afraid. I sat up with him for a good four hours and he seemed okay, but he pretty much said it was a moment of "irrationality" and that he would never do it again because as he had done it, he realized it was a mistake. Of course, I was completely frightened, as I had never dated anyone that had attempted suicide. I knew kids in school that were "cutters" but they typically didn't need five stitches. He begged me not to tell anyone, saying it would never happen again and that he had a moment of weakness, so I kept my promise to him, provided that he didn't exhibit any more behavior like that. A mistake, but he put up a really good argument and I didn't want him to feel like he couldn't come to me when he had an issue. Instead, he began resenting me because I knew, from what he has told me.

So fast forward to a few weeks later (this past Monday)when everything

calmed down and he hadn't exhibited any signs of going back into a "dark" state. We were incredibly happy, and he had sent me the loveliest letter for my birthday as well as gifts he had spent the last month collecting (many of my favorite things). I wanted to buy tickets for us to see the Hobbit while he was here, and went ahead and preordered them, and he was horribly excited about it, and me, and the trip here. We went to bed that night whispering sweet nothings and he said he would contact me the following day. The next day I didn't hear a word from him, but assumed he was just busy. When I finally contacted him around 10:30. he immediately wrote me back and told me to "leave him alone." He was like a completely different person. Apparently he has another friend die in Cairo and this time he didn't want to talk to or have anything to do with me and proceeded to snap at me and talk like he didn't want to love anyone anymore, didn't want to hurt me anymore with his behaviors, etc, etc, which scared me given what had happened a few weeks prior.

Of course, thisupset me, so I had to get off the phone and take a break because I didn't want to start an argument given his fragile state. He took this as a breakup and said he felt relieved. The next day he wrote me and apologized for being so erratic and "shutting me out", and apparently had made up his mind that the distance was killing him and called off our engagement. I was devastated. When we spoke on the phone, his voice was cold and motionless. He said that he loved me with all his heart, and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, but didn't see it working out because he was too "weak." He seemed like a completely different person. I wrote his sister to ask her to please keep an eye on him, thinking that she knew about his past suicide attempt, but received a very icy reply claiming that he would never do that to himself, I was a liar, I was unwilling to sacrifice anything for him (I had offered to move where he was, quit school, etc so completely inaccurate), and was mean to him, etc etc. She's a few years younger than him and they are a bit protective of each other more than most, so I took it a grain of salt but it broke my heart because I love his family very much also.

I myself was under a ton of stress that week. I'm an architecture student, work full-time, and have some medical problems (likely lupus although we haven't reached a diagnosis yet) so with finals and then this happening I was an emotional wreck. When I went into the doctor's office, somehow there was some glitch with my results and they told me I was pregnant. Since he had wanted me to tell him about the test results, even after the breakup, I wrote him in a panic.We hadn't been exactly careful, and I had just had x-rays and didn't think pregnancy was possible as my body seemed to be doing normal outside of the lupus symptoms, so this was of course the worst possible news I could receive. I wrote him and told him I had the test results, and he said, "Darling, what's wrong?" when I told him I had bad news and that he "loves me." So I told him/

He yelled at me, said I had cheated on him, said he had a low sperm count so it was impossible-- every insult in the book pretty much. My mom and I felt it might be an error, so we had them run the test again and I took two home pregnancy tests which all came back negative, meaning the labs probably switched the results or entered something wrong. Of course I wrote him and explained the whole situation, but he had by then "stopped" loving me.

So Friday night I had a meltdown, I guess from all the stress and collapsed in the floor. My mom ended up staying with me the past several days. I had never had anything like that happen before, but given all the stress I was under, I guess it was my breaking point.

My mom wrote him to try to talk some sense into him and explain what had happened, and he wrote her back saying that he once "loved" me but now hated me and was being incredibly dramatic but cold emotionally. He seemed to somewhat disregard the whole suicide attempt thing (she worked at a halfway house years back and felt he has a disorder), but mentioned that he knew I had good intentions but shouldn't have told his sister. He pretty much said things were ended so I assumed things were at an end and although devastated was starting to feel better each day. Next thing I knew, he wrote my mom and started saying bad things about me that weren't true (saying I had a desperate " fake pregnancy") and of course, since my Mom was there, she wrote him back and explained the situation. Unfortunately, he had blocked her e-mail so I forwarded it to him and sent him a text asking him to at least read it, to clear my name.

He refused to read it, citing that I had killed all the love he had for me. I explained why he should read it, and within seconds he was telling me that he loves me, called me by my first name WITH his last name (like he did when we were engaged), and said he was breaking things off for US, because he didn't want to hurt me anymore. I explained to him that when you love someone, you find a way to work through things and that I still love him and would not abandon him despite the fact that he abandoned me, but the choice was his and left it at that. Since it was 4am, I had to go back to bed as I had a test in the morning, so that was the last I heard from him so I'm not sure if I will ever heard from him again, or even if I want to hear from him again, as much as I love him. I feel like I may hear from him, as this seems fairly atypical for him and he seems to be going back and forh a lot about it, but am not sure what to do if I do. It would be far easier for me to believe the distance just got to him, but consideirng it happened completely unprovoked (we hadn't been having problems or anything), it just seems odd.

I know this was a lot, so sorry if it seems disjointed. So much damage occurred that I don't know if anything can be done, but given the suicide attempts and the complete flip-flopping of behaviors, moodiness, irrational periods, etc. I spoke with a friend of mine who is a psychologist and she said that it seemed possible it could be bipolarism or borderline, or something else. He is a very brilliant and vibrant individual, but when he gets in these "down" periods he really does become a different person who becomes antisocial, morose, irritable, and self-depreciating. Could a traumatic events cause someone with a disorder to completely become unbalanced or drop relations with people they love, etc? He acknowledges he has issues, but then in 5 minutes downplays it like a suicide attempt or talking about being hopeless and not seeing a way out isn't a big deal. I just feel so bad because I feel like with me being stressed and all that happened, I made things even worse for him.

I truly do love him so it breaks my heart to see him doing self-destructive things, but feel like there is absolutely nothing I can do now. Anyone have any ideas what is going on? I am at a loss.
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replied November 30th, 2012
You are not responsible for him and his actions.
I've been with my macho man for over 20 years ..they don't change and your pining for him will no more than iratate him
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Did you find this post helpful?

replied November 30th, 2012
You are not responsible for him and his actions.
I've been with my macho man for over 20 years ..they don't change and your pining for him will no more than iratate him
|
Did you find this post helpful?