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Stay at home mom & super frustrated with fiance

I'm a 24 year old stay at home mom & I am taking two really tough classes in college. My fiance is 27 and works full time mon-fri. I take care of our 18 month old son, and everything around the house. He never helps out with laundry, or dishes.. he believes that since he works full time that it's my job to do everything else around the house. He has a little side project he is working on and instead of helping me out with our son so that I can get some studying done, he complains about how he never gets any time to work on his website. So I allow him to get some work done as a compromise if he helps with our son so that I can study... He never holds up his end of the bargain. I'm just very unhappy in this relationship. I feel like I am constantly sacrificing my needs/wants for his. I have tried talking to him, I suggested getting counseling and he just doesn't seem to want to be an active participant in our relationship. I gave him my engagement ring back a few months ago because I told him I cannot see us getting married until we work out some of these issues. We lack communication. He actually told me last night he hates hearing me talk about school and that I need to try harder to come up with more stuff to talk about. Basically, I do not see us being together forever because I want more out of a relationship. We don't talk, we don't do anything fun together, he puts me down constantly & I just never feel like I am good enough for him. I've considered leaving him numerous times, I just don't know how to go about it since I don't work & don't have an income. I also cannot move in with my parents because they have a ton of issues themselves. Any advice/tips would be appreciated. I know what I need to do... I just don't know HOW to do it Sad
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replied October 20th, 2012
Extremely eHealthy
Hello Jessirae,

You have my sympathy.
I think you need to take a long look at your partner: we males are poor things without much equipment - thinking about two things at once requires great effort and actually doing one thing while thinking about another invites total disaster...
It is easy for a man to be distracted and become insular and diverted without meaning to so is this what has happened or is he a complete chauvinist or perhaps he doesn't love you any more and doesn't much care what you think?

Certainly whatever his point of view it doesn't give him the right to treat you with so little respect it has (routinely) become bad manners.

It is possible your current unhappiness stems from having unrealistic expectations of domestic bliss and I suggest a period of looking inwards might prove beneficial - being unhappy is not a good frame of mind in which to make valid judgements about such circumstances as you have described or about the man you are living with...

Clearly he is shirking his duties as a father, if not as a partner. I think you need to compare the courses you are doing with his project. Will success in your courses bring more financial and other advancements to your family? Will success with his little project do the same?
If your courses will have that effect and his project is leisure based then you have some powerful arguments in your favour and he should give your wishes priority and do his share of childcare and other chores around the house...
Concentrating his mind will be an entirely different problem - you could always make him wear his dinner; something women have been doing since time began...
Clever women have always been able to manipulate any relatively reasonable peace-loving man and if you cannot you are either not trying hard enough or you just need more practice...

Having an attack of the screaming ab-dabs will get his attention. What you do afterwards is your choice but training men is just like training any other animal and is a combination of carrot-and-stick or punishment-and-reward...
Your big mistake has been treating him as an equal and expecting him to treat you the same. If you don't want to be the "inferior" half of the partnership then begin to act like the "superior" half. Well-adjusted men are mostly inherently lazy and generally do not object to this approach...

Perhaps you could compromise and postpone one of your courses?

There is always the possibility of finding a third way if there is the will to do that.
If there is the money available a few half-days of child-care would allow you to study during the daytime. If there isn't the cash available then joining a mother and toddler group should put you in contact with others who need some free time and sharing child-care will cost little and have the desired effect...

At 18 months the child will still be taking some naps so arranging your leisure then and studying will also help...

Some housework can be left until it becomes important - who cares if the place is a little dusty? Try freeing time by managing chores and leaving unessential stuff. You can always catch up in the evenings while he is busy on the computer or bathing and getting his son ready for bed!

If you really want to leave then you can be assured of a certain amount of income from your "ex". As a wholly maintained partner he will have a duty to continue to provide for you and his son so I suggest you have some legal advice.

If he continues treating you like a housemate/maid/nanny/skivvy rather than half of a loving couple then you could always adopt those roles and invoice him for those services at the end of each month - enough to pay for your share of expenses and some pocket money. Bedroom activities will be off the menu entirely unless...

He obviously doesn't know how hard it is to run a house and do all the chores and look after a little one so how about planning a vacation or summer school or similar alone and leaving him to cope?

There are more ways to kill a cat than choking it with cream!

Good luck and come back if you need more!
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Users who thank verne01 for this post: jessirae 

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replied October 22nd, 2012
Community Volunteer
Hi jessirae: What you are seeing is what you will get after marriage....Choose wisely...If you are not perfectly mated then think it over...

I believe you should marry a man that you should both eat alive and worship....If and when this happens, your feelings never change...My best to you....

Caroline
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replied October 23rd, 2012
Thank you so much verne01 for your wise words and advice. I do believe he has become more introverted and deals with a lot of stress; but instead of communicating he lashes out at me as if "I don't get it." I have suggested dropping one course and I am looking for a job so that I can contribute... But he doesnt seem satisfied with any option. He just gets frustrated with me and shuts down. Then two minutes later hes fine again. Its hard for me because I have a strong desire/need to communicate and i am lacking that in my relationship. It tends to make me feel resentful towards him because I am unable to have something i strongly want. You mentioned something about "making men wear their food." How do you go about "training" a man?
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replied October 26th, 2012
Extremely eHealthy
Hello again,

I have observed quite a lot of women train their men, though it is somewhat out of fashion now as modern relationships strive (and fail) to base themselves on an equal partnership. That sort of training is best employed in the more traditional relationship where the man is the hunter/gatherer and the woman is the home-maker - as far as the rest of the world is concerned "he wears the trousers" but indoors she is the queen of her realm and behaves like a queen...

He still makes all the important decisions, such as who will lead the government and she dictates everything else...
It stems from a couple of basic assumptions - that a reasonable and well-adjusted man has a few basic needs and when those are met, as he is inherently lazy, he is unlikely to overly interest himself or interfere with any organisation or administration in the home.
The other assumption is the couple love each other...

A man wants to feel important, wants good food, wants good sex and wants to enjoy a quiet and uncomplicated life.
A clever woman is a skilled play-actor and can provide a home atmosphere that can make a man feel safe, comfortable and satisfied but she leaves him in no doubt the she is not by nature a maid, a housekeeper or a sex-slave and that she behaves that way only to reward him for his love, respect and general good behaviour and will always withdraw at least one of her "services" to punish any misdemeanor and make a great fuss and noise at the same time, often nagging the erring male mercilessly and loudly accusing him of no longer loving her and proclaiming the fact to any who will listen...
Attacking a man's masculinity with accusations about his unappreciation, etc. can over time have the desired effect...

Carrot and stick or reward and punishment in the right proportions will train any animal - even a man!

I know several households where the woman has made her man "wear his dinner" in order to emphasise her displeasure and concentrate his mind. Producing a favourite meal with great ceremony and then tipping it over him...

These are merely games couples played in the days before feminism which often successfully kept men in their place and women on top!

Good luck!
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