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starting a family with my boyfriend (Page 1)

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My boy friend and I have been talking about having a child together. We are both in our mid 30's and have other children. His children range from 2 years old to 15 years old. My kids are 9 through 14. We have been seeing each other for almost a year but, not exclusively until recently. We have known each other and have been friends since we were kids. I'm struggling with the idea because I want to but, i'm afraid to get left with raising a forth child by myself if things don't work out . Do anyone have any suggestions for me? I would like to here others thoughts on the subject.
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replied February 14th, 2010
Extremely eHealthy
Marry him. Kids need both mothers and fathers. A boyfriend is not the same from their perspective.
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replied February 15th, 2010
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Thanks for the advice I have thought about marriage I was married when I had my other children. We were together for 15 years.
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replied February 15th, 2010
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My thought would be you both have children now...Do you have an ample abundance of money to support another child?...I would say if you still feel this way in 6 months then take the plunge and get married...Then and only then and if you are financially able, add another child to your family......Take care...

Caroline
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Users who thank CarolineEF for this post: gotquestions1524 

replied February 16th, 2010
Extremely eHealthy
If you're thinking about marriage and the answer isn't an obvious 'yes' then maybe this isn't the most stable situation to bring a child into.
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replied February 17th, 2010
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Yes I can afford another child I wouldn't even consider having another child if I could not afford it. To me that is neglect so I would not do that. I've been married before and I really not sure if I will ever want to 100% do that again. I have a really close friend who dated her boyfriend and also is the father of her children for about 15 years before they got married. There oldest child is grown now and is well adjusted. So I know you don't have to be married to be good parents or even live together. I know people have opinions about having kids out of wedlock. I was married when I had my three children and now I'm divorce. I we have decided that we would wait a few months before trying but, we both want another child. He is a good father and is active in his kids life.
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replied February 17th, 2010
Extremely eHealthy
gotquestions1524 wrote:
I have a really close friend who dated her boyfriend and also is the father of her children for about 15 years before they got married. There oldest child is grown now and is well adjusted. So I know you don't have to be married to be good parents or even live together.


You don't need to know how to drive in order to jump over 15 schoolbusses, but it's really helpful for when you want to stop the car. Please take some time and think about your reasons for not entering the financial and legal securing bond of marriage. I think upon reflection you'll find that a lot of your justifications for why you don't want to get married again are reasons why it's not a good idea to bring a child into this relationship.
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replied February 17th, 2010
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My justification for not getting married has nothing to do with the relationship that I'm in now. Just if I ever decide to get married it will not be for financial reasons. Financial reasons are not a reason to or not to get married. What does driving a bus have to do with marriage anyways find a better analogy to get your put across. Just because I don't believe in marriage the way you do does not mean I love my lover less than anyone else. I do not need a piece of paper to legal bind someone to me and feel sorry for anyone who does. I never put any justifications in any of my last post for not getting married I just said I don't want to get married. So please don't judge a person that you do not know. I never asked advice on marriage I asked a question about having a child. So can you stay on topic or don't give me anymore advice. I don't like critism that's not productive. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion on marriage so i'm not trying to change your opinion so stop trying to change mine.
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replied February 17th, 2010
Extremely eHealthy
I'll make it very simple for you. Don't ask for advice if all you want to do is criticize it, if people do take the time and effort to read about your problem and offer you help bother to read what they wrote, and don't belittle people who are working to help you. Live your life your way no matter what we tell you and absolutely don't return to this forum for sympathy if you're flip about concerns we warn you about and things don't work out.

I'm not judging you in the least. I don't give a flying F*#% about your reasons for not wanting to marry. I'm telling you in no uncertain terms that your resistance to marriage is a red flag for your situation in terms of raising a child that you can either ignore or think on. I'm going to additionally let you know that it doesn't matter if you value marraige the same way I do, it will still provide you the same legal, social and financial shelter to assist you in raising a child successfully regardless of how you value it.

Lastly I'm going to judge you. Stop making this all about you. It doesn't much matter if you like marriage or not or if having another child will work out for you. Your decision has to absolutely be about what's best for your child and the children you both allready have. If you can't get a handle on that then you need to wait until you're a big girl before having another child.
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replied February 21st, 2010
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First of all I really don't give a d*** if you judge me at all. I love haters they make my day. I get a real kick out of people who don't have a clue. Second of all my children have a father that is in their lives even though we are now divorced he spends a lot of time with them he is not an everyother weekend dad. He is very active in their lives. Wow according to you, that's not possible. My boyfriend is in my kids life and he loves them spends time with them. So how would me loving him and being with him not good for my children. Your saying that if we had a piece of paper saying we are married that magically everything would be 100% better. Now that's stupidity at it's best. Third of all the last time I checked you didn't own this site so don't tell me I cannot post here. It's not my fault you don't read and comprehend what you are reading before responding to post. Because I never and i'm still not asking on advice about marriage. So get a life and fixed whatever your hang ups are that make you feel that you have to be married to be happy. Not ever wanting to get married to anyone is not a red flag for me but, it maybe is for you in your relationship. I have never asked you for sympathy so don't hold your breath on that one. Well then again please do. The fact that you believe that things could only workout for people only if their married shows how little you know about life so I don't want your advice anyways.
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replied February 21st, 2010
Extremely eHealthy
It's a shame that you had to waste our time and yours for you to realize that you have all the answers that you want but at least you no longer need to ask for advice.
Good luck with your life.
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replied February 21st, 2010
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It's a shame that you took time out of your life to post your feelings on marriage when no one asked about them. Your the one who think you have all the answers. SO BYE there is no reason at all for you to post anything else here on my topic. But, if you do you just prove my point so go ahead.Bye hater
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replied February 21st, 2010
Extremely eHealthy
It's not a shame at all. If I can discourage you from ever being this rude to people who make an effort to help you with your life's problems then every second I spend reminding you of what a selfish and inconsidderate person you've been in this thread is golden.

I'm sorry if you're not able to understand the role marriage plays in a modern family. I'd encourage you to read more on the topic to understand the legal, financial and social benifits of marriage but you don't strike me as the sort looking to expand her understanding of how to raise children successfully so much as you want to find people who will endorse your opinion that you can do anything you want the way you want it and that the consequences of your actions are not as important as instant gratifications.

I will jump with joy at any opportunity to reply to your concerns about the advice you are being given here because I am a never ending font of desire to make this world a better place, even if that merely means putting you in your place. If you doubt my commitment to improving your circumcstances in life, post anything to this thread again and be assured I will reply promptly and authoritatively with the information you need wheather you like that information or not.
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replied February 21st, 2010
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Honey you couldn't put me in my place if you tried because you don't know where that is obviously. Your the rude one who still cannot stay on topic. So everybody gets married this would be a better place really. Have you seen the divorce rate. I guess those people who jump into marriage are better off even though they are now divorced. So I guess their lives are not worth wild now their divorced. 50% of all marriages end in divorce so 50% of those people according to you have children that are suffering. So now I will put you in your place the world would be a better place if people like you didn't think everyone has to have your opinion to have a good life.
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replied February 21st, 2010
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Honey you couldn't put me in my place if you tried because you don't know where that is obviously. Your the rude one who still cannot stay on topic. So everybody gets married this would be a better place really. Have you seen the divorce rate. I guess those people who jump into marriage are better off even though they are now divorced. So I guess their lives are not worth wild now their divorced. 50% of all marriages end in divorce so 50% of those people according to you have children that are suffering. So now I will put you in your place the world would be a better place if people like you didn't think everyone has to have your opinion to have a good life.
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replied February 21st, 2010
Extremely eHealthy
You're quite right. I haven't the foggiest clue where your place is, but it's clear that since you've come to us here for help that it is not to belittle those who work to make your life better. All I need do is remind you of that repeatedly until the lesson that you need to be considderate to others sinks in. Once I accomplish that I have helped you and I can stop posting with the satisfaction of a job well done. Conversely you can keep bickerring at me without reading what I'm trying to tell you until a moderator locks the thread, putting you in the place you belong without recompense. Either way it is time well spent for me. Altnerately you can talk to us about our reasoning for why we give you the advice rather than being an offensive shrew because we dared to have an opinion after you asked us for one.

Very obviously it's not impossible to get married when you shouldn't. I've made this clear in my posts. You seem to get upset when I point out that if you lack the conviction to form a legal bond with the man in your life you may want to examine why you think having a child with him is a less casual commitment. However as I explained before I'm not so fantastically interrested in your feelings about marriage as the I am the benifits they provide your child, such as: established precident of legal custody, right to employer or military benifits benifits, estate rights and medical consent in emergencies.

However all of that is really a moot point. At this time I don't think it's wise for you to have a child with your boyfriend regardless of your marital status.
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replied February 22nd, 2010
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Let's just stay on Topic without the hostility....

Caroline
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replied February 27th, 2010
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You can keep pushing the idea that people have to be married to take their kid to the doctor, I'm not in a military and neither is my friend so your point is mute. Even if I would get married if we didn't workout the custody thing would wow pop up go figure. Your opinion on the matter doesn't really matter to me you have lost the ability to give me or anyone else advice. I never came to you for advice so stop saying I came to you. I came to the site to get opinions from open minded people not a person pushing their on agenda. So as long as you post your crap to me expect it back thank you.
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replied February 28th, 2010
Extremely eHealthy
Quite the contrary, the thread is still wide open, I can advise you and so many others. Also wrong that you never came to me for advice. You posted to this forum, you asked everyone who's responded to your thread for help, and you've been pretty abominable to most of us. I'm sorry if you previously unaware of how the internet work but I'm glad this is educational for you. It would seem you have much to learn.

If you're going to start making crass accusations about closed-mindedness perhaps you should check your own head first. You've yet to read through any of my posts as you haven't addressed anything I've told you correctly. You've daftly stated that I think your life will be better if you marry or that it is a requirement for childbearing or that it is a benefit to you in some way only if you're in the military. If you're going to belittle me for trying to be of service to you perhaps you should trouble yourself to read what a write so as not to look like a jackhat to anyone reading this thread.
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replied February 28th, 2010
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Your the one who does not know how the internet work. I did read what you wrote maybe you should read what you wrote again. The only person looking like a jackhat would be you. Your the one who has much to learn so I will help you learn it. Just tell me what you need I will happily educate you on it. Maybe you should take your own advise. If you don't want to be belittled or critized stay on the original topic that is posted.I never said the thread was closed. I said you lost the ability to give advise to me you can just post the stuff you have been posting. It's very amusing to me. I don't mind going back and forth with you if you don't. Seems you have nothing better to do so I will keep you entertained. I feel sorry for you because you most not have a life. If you did you would have stopped posting things to me along time ago. I know if I posted to someone who didn't share my views because I didn't stay on topic I would have just stop posting. You are really a fool if you think anything you post would change my mind to what you believe. Your beliefs and or opinion have no weight with me. You know that but, yet you still post to me. Wow you really need help. Get a life or that husband that you feel I need.
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