Medical Questions > Mental Health > Anxiety and Stress Forum

15, so done, want to be a mom...

I'm not looking for judgement or comments like "WHAT ?!! YOURE 15 & WANNA BE PREGNANT !!" I just want advice and help. I've been through a lot the past 4 years and diagnosed with a bunch of stuff like depression schizophrenia anxiety when I got into counseling. I also have been on and off antidepressants and antipsychotic medications. I'm really stressed out and it seems the more I get stressed out the more I want to be pregnant. The reason I put this under anxiety and stress and not teen pregnancy is because I hate seeing comments like "I had a kid when I was 16 and I regret it so much" because honestly...they regret the timing not having the kid. At least I hope so..as a parent you're supposed to love the kid not regret having it..people saying that just pisses me off. A kid should always be a blessing..maybe the time in your life isn't a blessing but if you really look at your child as a stupid teenage mistake...I don't think I could respect you. Also there's so many people in that forum that want to be pregnant because they think they're in love or because they're going through a rebbelious phase or they want attention or whatever. I do think some of them should be under something with mental health but for whatever judgement I have I put myself here instead of there. And that's because it all started when I was in a psychiatric hospital for a suicide attempt. I met a boy in there and honestly I don't believe in love in first sight but when I saw him there was something there that just sparked me. And everything in that hospital was so sad and the relationship I had with him was so sad but we both arrived at the same time from the ER, drugged up and in hospital scrubs both too big on us. The first thing I said to him when I saw him was "I like your outfit" and we laughed and we were just kinda close since then. He was in there for something pretty messed up...but I never judged him and he never judged me. We grew way too fond of each other and everything happened so quickly. He was also suicidal and I reached a point where I just wanted to give him a reason to be alive because he so didn't have one. So we were kinda talking throughout the therapy groups and he said something a long the lines of "if I had a kid and I was a dad I couldn't kill myself I would have to be there for them" and it made sense. So my mentally unstable self who just wanted this guy to not kill himself I started making plans to get pregnant with him because I totally agree I would never kill myself if I had a kid. If I was a mom that kid would be with me no matter what. Fourtnately, never got pregnant because I thought having sex in a mental hospital was extremely trashy, not only that but we would be in extreme trouble. Teen pregnancy is usually looked upon as trashy but in some cases I would have to disagree. Anyways I don't have feelings for this guy anymore but I just shared that story because I know it being such a vulnerable time in my life it could be connected with stress unconsciously somehow. I do have a boyfriend now and he knows how I feel he's very supportive but he says he wants to wait for kids..which I get and is completely okay and I respect. And although I want to be a mom I know because I am not in a good mental state I probably wouldn't be a good mom...I'm a product of that. I would love and care about my kid and take care of them but if I get stressed out I don't want to not be able to be there for the kid because I'm unstable some how..I'm not gonna make my boyfriend impregnate me. My parents would be upset if I did get pregnant this young but I know they would support me. I fear mostly just judgement from my relatives and honestly not being a good mom. I am pretty self aware I think..and I know I'm not gonna get pregnant but it's so upsetting because I keep wanting to have a kid. I keep wanting to take care of my baby...and wanting to be pregnant. I know I'm not ready, but my feelings and emotions are already so invested in my future child. I know I could be a great mom once I'm finished with school and after I recover from and am able to deal with my own mental stuff..but I'm so tired of being upset when I see how happy moms are with their kids and wishing I had that. I'm so tired of feeling like I have to leave when people are talking about how much their child has helped them reach their path to happiness. I'm done with wanting to be a mom when I know I can't. Well technically I could but I know it would be a bad decision and I'm not ready...so why do I keep wanting to so bad?
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replied June 19th, 2015
This is only my 2 cents, and I could be way off base.

Have you seen overweight people who obsess over losing weight? They think they'll be so happy once they finally reach their goal weight and get it cemented it in their minds that a certain weight is the ONE THING that will make life better. Losing weight has its advantages, like better health, but losing that weight doesn't really guarantee happiness. It's just what they've fixated on.

You seem to be in a similar boat, but with a different kind of life vest. A baby is what you've fixated on as that "one thing" that will save you and make everything better. At least part of you has fixated on that, even though the other part knows it's not true. I may be reading too much between the lines, but it sounds like you could be wishing your life away -- of anticipating future happiness while missing out on present day. People with the thoughts of "I'll be happy when..." are almost guaranteed to have some form of depression.

I hope you have found a great therapist. There are some doozies out there, but there are also very helpful ones. Don't settle until you find a good one. One that will help you focus on the present moment and help you to feel valuable for who are.

I've been learning more about how the physical body affects us mentally. You can't separate one from the other, but therapists don't often go into healthier lifestyles that will help mental instability. Eating better, getting physical activity, having healthy relationships, and sleeping enough at night can go a long way with mental health.

I suppose hormone fluctuations could also contribute. You're at an age where your body knows pregnancy is a possibility. Are you on birth control pills? If your periods or PMS are difficult or you see greater mood swings around your period, taking birth control for a couple of years might help.

Basically, I've never been in your shoes and don't know what would help. All I can say is that I have read your story without judging, if that helps at all. I'm actually in the opposite position. I'm 29 and trying to decide if I ever want to have kids. People look at me like there's something wrong if I mention not wanting them.

PS I loved the "I like your outfit" line. Great way to break the ice.
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