Medical Questions > Relationships > Single and Struggling Forum

34, single and feeling so alone

I am 34, single, attractive and try to be social as much as time allows. I have tried dating sites, dating services, getting setup by friends and family, etc. I just have not had any luck. People represent themselves one way and turn out to be another or you just don't click. Whatever the reason I am not that happy anymore being single; it's very lonely and I want to have that special someone in my life to share everything with. I am not going to settle for someone who doesn't treat me right though. I just feel like at this point it is never going to happen.. so discouraged.
Did you find this post helpful?

replied October 29th, 2012
Extremely eHealthy

I agree, people do tend to misrepresent themselves, though it often is not deliberate.
When you meet someone socially you meet someone who has spent time and effort on their appearance and, because it is socialising, they have their best socialising head on and use their best socialising manners...

It can take many weeks or even months of dating to get past all those red herrings and discover what the real person is like - often the real person can only be seen when adversity or disappointment enters the equation.

Going to popular meeting places, like bars or clubs, in order to find dates makes matters worse as many who frequent such places are merely seeking a good time - best to assume those found in bars are people who like to go to bars...

Dating strangers can be more exciting fun than dating friends but the safer option is always to make friends first and then to date the ones you like best in order to know them better...

Mostly your dating habits should depend on whether you believe every stranger is a friend you haven't met yet and whether you are a "glass half full" sort of person.

I suggest you spend a little time on introspection - your experiences so far could be influencing your attitude and behaviour towards your dates - they are likely to behave accordingly if you are already cautious and defensive...
Perhaps your single lifestyle is making you cynical, insular, opinionated and difficult to please?

In this world there is someone for everyone and for some lucky people there are many suitable someones!

I notice you use the expression "don't click". I know what you mean but I think "clicking" has more to do with sexual attraction than friendship and respect that can take a great deal of time to develop and discover. I urge you to keep a more open mind about people who immediately "don't click" with you. As it is companionship and sharing you crave rather than excitement and sex it can still be worth getting to know these people...

Sharing your life and space with someone comes at a price - compromise!
Perhaps you scare people because you are unwilling to compromise your values, your opinions, your routines, your tastes and your space?

Being 34, single and visually attractive seems very nice in theory but in practice something about you must be unattractive as so many potential suitors have put up defensive barriers that gives you such a bad impression of them.
I urge you to look inside yourself - perhaps with the help of your friends. Be patient and persistent and keep increasing your circle of friends and you will inevitably find a soulmate...

Good luck!
Did you find this post helpful?

replied October 29th, 2012
Hi and thank you for your reply. I know it is difficult to explain myself online and with little background it's a bit difficult to assess the potential reasons.

What I mean by misrepresenting themselves, they use a photo 3 or 4 years old showing up looking completely different than what they say online or in email exchanges they say no criminal history, no smoking, etc. come to find out they lied. This is what I mean, facts, not personality or wanting to put their best foot forward to stand out from the rest. I do know that it takes time to get to know the "true" person and by that I mean how they are and interact with others, habits and quirks. While that shows in several months, you will never stop learning things throughout an entire relationship.

I also don't go looking at bars or partying type of events. I either do the online dating, dating service and friends and family have set me up with people they know.

After lots of reflection and coming to terms with my last breakup, I have learned to be open and give everyone the benefit of being truthful, honest and themselves until they prove otherwise. Of course, I can alway keep my eyes open to my previous experience like stalking and lying and abusive tendencies. I don't assume anyone has these tendencies and if I feel there is something going on, I do talk to them about it before making any negative judgements or decisions. I feel communication is an absolute must as many times it is lack of communication that leads to the breakdown of a relationship.

What I mean by clicking is that it is not sexual in any manner but rather in being able to feel comfortable with someone and able to talk to them and it's not forced. I want someone who can be my best friend and who is easy for me to connect with and talk to. I am not going to deny that physical attraction is necessary and if anyone does deny that then they need to take a closer look at their feelings. It is a natural reaction and is built into us all. Now I am not saying he must be a model, but I need to be able to imagine myself kissing him at some point because if I can't even do that I am wasting both of our time. As such I would expect the same out of him.

To address the sharing of life and space, this is something I am very open to and want. I will not however change my personal values and morals for someone, but am completely willing to make changes in my life, living space and routines, etc. to be open to change and again, I want to be able to share my life with someone.

As for being 34 and single still, I was in two long term relationships that spanned nearly my entire dating age. One 3.5 years, single for 2 years, the second 7.5 years and now single for 1.5 years. I love being committed to someone and in a relationship which is why I feel lonely and it is hard to be patient because everyone around me is married and has or are having children which I very much want, not just to be like my friends either, but because I want to have someone to share my life with and I want to share in someone elses.

As said before, I am very open to what comes my way but facts of dating and men can be a deterrent if they lie. I don't want a relationship built on lies as I am sure nobody wants that.

Again, thank you for your feedback. I am just unsure why I am still single when I have so much to offer. I am like I said attractive, educated, own my own home, have a great career, no children, no drama from past relationships, very grounded and down to earth, loving, caring, I give back to the community, and want to offer my all into a relationship and move on to marriage. No I am not desparate if it comes across that way but I just don't understand. Is someone like me intimidating to others?

Feedback is appreciated good and critical. Please just don't reply if all there is to say are mean, rude, disrespectful or are just going to give feedback that is meant to tear me apart. I am honestly seeking feedback to help in my search and self awareness. Maybe there are places or services that I am not aware of.

Thank you.
Did you find this post helpful?

replied November 2nd, 2012
Extremely eHealthy
Thank you for coming back and telling us more about yourself that makes things clearer.

I do not approve of on-line dating and would never suggest it as an alternative to the "natural" sort of dating people used before computers and I stand by my suggestion that the most satisfactory method for those seeking romantic attachment is to keep increasing their circle of friends and socialising with them until the inevitable happens...

I don't think it is general to visualise kissing a potential girlfriend/boyfriend once the teens have been left behind - I certainly do not consider such a visualisation to be a part of getting to know someone. Personally I don't care how visually attractive a woman is - the biggest attraction for me is finding a woman with a brain that sorts information and reasons in a similar way to me and who is not discouraged by and can see past my facade...
Did you find this post helpful?