Medical Questions > Relationships > Relationships and Marriage Forum

Should I just overlook and accept it?

Hello, I am a 37 year old male. I am in a live in relationship with my 40 year old girlfriend. We feel like we are the perfect match for each other. Many people say that I am the male version of her and she is the female version of me. We love each other so much! We are about 1 1/2 years into our relationship.

About 6 months ago, I asked her if she was abusing pain pills. She denied it. I knew otherwise and eventually caught her lying about them. I asked her to take an at home drug test. She agreed and once the results came back positive, she admitted everything and said she was going to quit.

She knew she was going to go through withdrawals and asked if I could help her wean off of them. I agreed and even bought pills off the street to get her throught the weaning process. She told me she wasn't going to use pills anymore, however, she did several more times and lied to me several more times. It has since become a huge issue and has gotten to the point where it is really causing a problem in our relationship.

The problems it causes are: moodiness, edginess, hyper, staying up for 24-48 hours straight or with just a couple hours sleep. The fact that I know these are side effects makes me blame anything and everything that happens on the pills. She pretty much refuses to stop taking the pills. She has told me "I will tell you I'm quitting pills but its just a lie and I will hide them from you".... I will admit, she is way more productive on the pills (Vicodin, oxy, roxy, Percocet) She snorts them as well which I'm not crazy about.

She tells me that there is nothing wrong with taking a pain pill here and there. When she refers to "taking one here and there" it is not for pain, it's for a buzz. I don't disagree with that totally. I'm not a prude. However, I feel her relationship with pills is way more than "here and there". I'm fairly convinced that it is pretty much everyday. She tells me it is normal and I shouldn't worry about it. She has always been pretty secretive with her phone. I have found that she is abusing pills several times by looking at her phone. Anytime I find anything in her phone that is questionable, she says "that's why you shouldn't look at my phone... Because you misunderstand things". She will play it off as if I "read too deeply" into things. If I find info that is, without a doubt, about pills, she says they are for someone else and it's none of my business! She regularly and selectively deletes txt messages. I'm all about some privacy when it comes to our phones but when I have been lied to over and over, I feel like I have a right to see if things are still on the up and up.

There is an overview. Here are my questions:
1) Should I just over look a drug problem?
2) Is it normal and ok for her to stay up for 2 days straight then sleep for 12-18 hours?
3) If she does quit, is it wrong to ask her to take an at home drug test?
4) Is it wrong to look at her phone? Mine is unlocked all the time and I NEVER have any problem with her looking at mine.
5) If drug abuse doesn't cause any problems in a relationship, why is it wrong?

I have even asked her to be 100% honest with me and tell me when she does take them but there is always some secrecy. It drives me insane! I don't know what to do or what to think. She is pretty much convincing me that I should just not worry about it and accept it. She also pretty much has me convinced that I am the problem and I am ruining our relationship.... I'm so confused. Please help.
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replied September 11th, 2013
Extremely eHealthy
Can't stop taking the pills or won't stop?

If it is can't stop masquerading as won't stop then she is an addict.

An addict doesn't rationalise things in the same way as none-addicts and mostly they live in a fantasy world and will lie and cheat and do whatever they need to that will get them to the next fix of whatever floats their boat, be it cream cakes or heroin.

The typical view of addiction above is when an addiction is out of control. There is usually a period when a person is only half in shadow. Some people can sustain an addiction for years, possibly half a lifetime, and hold down a job and raise a family and only indulge in the evenings or weekends. These are the very few who know they have an addiction, admit they have an addiction and have both the willpower and the resources to control it and probably a relatively crisis-free lifestyle.

For most people an addiction is a one-way ticket into the gutter where hopefully a moment of lucidity will give them self-realisation and they will ask for help.
The line between an out of control addiction and one that is in control is very thin and one small crisis can tip a person over. A personal or work-related problem where the person turns to the comfort of choice and instead of one pill it is two...

An addict who is out of control begins by lying to himself and then lying to everyone else and attempting to manipulate surrounding people into helping with the addiction.
Friends and family usually recognise the problem and extend it by trying to insulate the loved-one from reality. They often unwittingly cause much harm by doing so.

There is no immediate solution and short of kidnapping the addict and chaining them down a cellar while weaning him off the drug there is nothing to do but wait until rock-bottom is reached and hope the addict will have that moment of lucidity. Often by this time the damage is already done and serious long-term bodily damage has been caused.

When dealing with an addict it is prudent to disbelieve everything an addict says and to judge them only by his or her actions.
Honesty is a foreign country to an addict but they quickly become masters of the double-bluff.

There is probably little harm in one or two pills now and again but even prescription drugs can have far-reaching side effects and long term health disadvantages and buying them off the street is helping criminals. I wonder who was beaten senseless or shot so you could buy those pills off the street.

Your concern is natural and your ill-manners about the phone can be overlooked.

Only you can decide whether she is an addict or not and whether she is in control or out of control.
Only you can decide whether you want to risk being stuck with a partner who is going to die early because of kidney failure or something else.
Only you can decide whether you can tolerate being lied to and manipulated and whether you want to stay around and try and pick up the pieces if things go that far.

No it isn't normal to routinely be awake for extended periods and then to sleep two to three times as long as normal. Youngsters sometimes do this due to work or social pressures but otherwise it is the mark of someone who has abused drugs or is in the armed forces and has had them issued because they must stay on watch for an extended period; such as in the north Atlantic convoys of the second world war...

I suggest you follow your instincts.
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