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Shocked at feeling jealous towards other family members

I'm quite shocked at the feelings I've been realising I feel recently. And feel so embarrassed to even admit it..

I am realising I feel jealous of my (soon to be) brother and sister in law because I feel like we are just following in their shadow and will be for life! Always one step behind, we will never be the first to do anything in the family so it won't be exciting

I suppose this is how younger siblings feel of their older sibling?! And maybe that's why I'm not used to it because coming from the oldest in a family to now being with the 'second' oldest in a family I'm not used to having someone older than me 'doing things first'.. suppose its never had to cross my mind so hasn't bothered until now when it does, I do notice it... and it shocks and surprises me how I feel.

That despite doing our own thing at our own pace and time and in our own way I feel jealous that'll it'll always be behind them. They've moved first, got married first, had a baby first that everyones so focused on, they've done everything first, had all the excitements and attention, it feels like it has basically been about them for the past however many years since they moved, always what are they doing, on their terms, focused on their plans.

Especially when we always try to be so considerate and thoughtful, sometimes I think why do we bother! They've got the monopoly on the family now, always attention on them and whatever they're doing.

Maybe I should see it as it'll be more relaxed whenever we come to do our plans. And I don't like the attention so why does it bother me?! Would be glad of less fuss but just feels like nothing would be as special anymore our time round for anything. They're getting all the firsts of everything.. even down to my boyfriend holding his nephew, I can actually feel my stomach pang with jealousy when he's holding him and doting on him because it's all happening before we've had our own children... and we're not even thinking about all that yet!

How can I feel like that??? I feel so ashamed. But it just gets me.
I can't even bare to utter the words to anyone for what they might think. Or be honest to my boyfriend and say how I feel, I'd be worried he tell someone and others knowing.

So I struggle in silence any advice??
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