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she does not want sex, Is it me ?

I’m so sorry that this is so long but I feel that it is important to set out the situation properly.

I have been married to my wife for 15 years now. Sex was great and my wife initiated sex until our first child a couple of years into the relationship. Since then she never initiates it.

After 7 years of marriage this caused us problems and she told me that it is just the way she is now and that if I needed more exciting sex or more sex then I could do it with other women and that it wouldn't pose a problem for provided that I still continued to love her. This disappointed me because I wanted her for me to only have her but she said that she is not the jealous type. I said that I didn’t want to but that I had sexual needs.

I had an affair which she knew about (she said she didn’t mind beforehand) but I felt so terrible. It almost destroyed our marriage and one day some 5 months afterwards she said that she wanted to leave me because she said that she no longer loved me. I convinced her to stay. I said that we needed marriage counselling and she refused. We went to a marriage counsellor who accepted that we loved each, being a paradoxical couple. She said that the single sance was enough and we never went again.

I love my wife so much and felt so guilty but I have had sex with prostitutes and very very occasionally staill do because I need to feel that the other person wants me sexually. When I do, I feel so depressed for many days.

I spoil her, frequently buy her presents, make a fuss of her and adore her but she virtually never surprises me. I looked our photos of each other and in nearly all of them it is nearly always me that has my arms around her, embracing her. But outside sex we have soooo much in common and enjoy our company.

I just wish that she would surprise me one day by organising a romantic dinner out together or something, without me having organised something, athough she will organise lots of things out for me and the children together.

I have asked her for years to wear dresses or a skirt for me occasionally. She has always refused saying that she never likes wearing them except on a hot day. I have asked her on many occasions to wear some nice underwear for me one night which she has never done unless straight after an argument about it. She never kisses me sensually and does not like me to make love to her in the missionary position. She is not frigid and when we do have she often orgasms.

She tells me that she loves me so much. But the fact that she does not want sex, I think it has made me very insecure and I have become extremely clingy to her constantly looking for reassurance that she will not leave me. I am scared that she will one day find that someone less clingy that she will want to have sex with. The fact that I feel she doesn’t show me attention as a husband creates a vicious circle and makes me need more reassurance.

She says that she us never attracted to other men. About 2 years ago, I found an email that an old male school friend had sent on a school contact site. He was saying happy birthday and how pretty she is. She responded saying thatnk you and gave him a Yahoo email address that I didn’t have access to. I was jealous and mentioned that I wanted hanges in the marriage or else I would leave her. She attempted suicide that evening.

I worked in a senior very high powered job and had a nervous breakdown about 18 months ago. I was hospitalised for 2 weeks and diagnosed with manic depression. She was so supportive, I couldn’t have asked for more.

I have lost my job and a couple of weeks ago she started working after many years being in the house she has started working again. She has bought lots of dresses and skirts and even a short one that she told me was for work. I asked if she could wear one just for me but she hasn't done that yet.

Last week we had an argument about these things. She told me that she thinks that I love her too much.

I am sure that some of you will say that I should love her less and that I should man-up about it but I don’t know how to. During an argument , it is always me that apologises, convincing myself that it is always me and wanting to patch things up.

She said that I should not ask her for sex and that she would try to initiate it more but until another discussion, some 5/6 days later she never initiated anything.

She says that she doesn’t like analysing and that I analyse too much. It is true that having more time on my own I have more time to think about these things that role around in my head. I told her that she is looking for a friend in the marriage rather than a husband. She said that she would try and sort it out. She asked me to make love to her yesterday morning and she tells me that she loves me.

It's been so many years that she has been like that though, even if things were to change I think it will take me time to adjust and re equalise the marriage.

I decided to see a pychoanalyst the last week. Having told him some of the above things, He said Why do you have a brother / sister relationship with your wife ? . Its not my choosing but I do want to spend a lot of time together. He said that we would discuss it further on another occasion and that I would understand better.

I feel I may be suffocating her but I wish that she would action some of the things that I ask her in order for me to feel more confident in my marriage.

I am I normal or unreasonable ? And what shall I do ?
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replied November 17th, 2011
Firstly you're not the cause of the brother/sister relationship. She prefers this to being your lover, and you probably notice the differnce after sex for a couple of days with the way you treat each other. You can't make her see someone, but you are doing everything to fix it. No women likes clingy! If she's not putting out keep seeing the pro's. Women don't understand that for us sex is half the relationship. Ideally she needs to see someone to get help. That is prob the only way she'll admit or realise why exactly she's not wanting sex with you.(could be hormones/low self esteem who knows). Another possibility is that she may think you'll leave her/get sick of her if she shows you affection. At the moment she's in control, your showing her heaps of affection and she's not putting out, for her to get affection/love she needs to do this(she thinks). BTW You ARE normal and you ARE reasonable. You will work it out!
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