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Sexual Frustration: What do do with a man who doesn't want sex?

I am in need of finding some answers. I have been in a relationship with a 28-year-old male for almost six months. We have a very good relationship and are very compatible. Everything in our relationship contains common trends found in most relationships that are only 6 months old: we love spending time with each other, the relationship is spontaneous and fun and everyday discoveries continue to draw us closer to one another. The only thing that is VERY worrisome to me is that our sex life is unorthodox. It has been a blaring glitch in another wise perfect union. The problems are as follows: my partner is a healthy 28-year-old male who has limited sexual experience, despite him being rather handsome. He attributes his limited sexual experience to the fact that he in unable to relate to Italian woman (He is Italian). The only women he has had success with are therefore woman that are non-Italians. (I am hence further proof of this (according to his twisted logic) because I am not Italian). As our relationship progresses however I find that despite my nationality, sexuality is practically a taboo topic. He enjoys oral sex (blowjobs) which I introduced to him but in terms of exploring his sexuality= zero. He revealed to me that sex has always been painful for him due to a very sensitive penis corona (it’s true- even a blowjob is often difficult- I always have to be aware of when his penis begins to pock through the foreskin). He is uncircumcised and I told him that he must see an urologist (I figure he has some form of phimosis and I have no idea why he hasn't taken himself to see a urologist). As of yet he has not. He hasn't even made an appointment. I am a very attractive 27-year-old female (I model underwear and swimwear!!!) but he has never touched me below my waist (if you catch my drift) and we have not had proper sex yet. I am patient and loving and I have told him that intercourse can wait until he goes to the doctor and that there are other things we can do but I must admit my patience is wearing thin. He finds every excuse in the book to avoid touching me: he has a big exam (which is true) coming up and needs to get back to work; we will have sex soon, etc. I have tried to talk to him. I have been brutally honest and told him that I am in need of sexual stimulation too, even going so far as to asking him to go down on me, but he never did. There is always an excuse. Our sex life consists of him becoming aroused, often at inappropriate times (in the middle of a conversation that has nothing to do with sex for example), and me alleviating it by blowing him- 7minutes later its over (the cherry on top of this sundae from hell is when he thanks me and tells me sex has never been as good with anyone else). He is extremely affectionate in bed and always hugs me and kisses me and tells me he loves me. He often tells me that hugging me is what he prefers most of all. He has expressed his desire to marry me and has even introduced me to his family. I admit I feel strongly for him too. I do love him. I know he is sceptical about psychoanalysis just by the conversations we have had about the field in general. So that's out- I can't even convince to go to the urologist! I don’t know what to do. This is the first man I feel a real connection to in so many areas of my life but I know that a sexual dysfunctionate relationship can only lead to disaster. I am already beginning to resent being giving, patient, supportive and loving and receiving nothing in return. This may sound cold but I am no longer satisfied with just hugs and I love yous.
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replied March 8th, 2010
Hi there, thank you for posting your question on Ehealthforum. Please remember that this is not intended as a substitute to visiting your own doctor. If you are worried about your health, talk to your doctor.

I don't know, unorthodox is right. You are probably correct about phimosis and this would explain (perhaps) some of his reluctance to move on to intercourse. Can he bring his foreskin back over his glands penis when erect? If not then he definitely needs to see a Urologist. But he probably needs to see one anyway.

But then he may also have some kind of reversed haphephobia of an irrational fear of female genitalia. This is outside my area of expertise.You should have a word yourself with an experienced Sex Therapist. You have a big hill to climb. You may need to turn up the heat.Like threaten to leave in a month's time if he has not seen that Urologist by then. Then when he has his foreskin issue resolved and he still is not touching you then threaten to leave again unless he sees that (by then friendly) Sex Therapist.How and when he masturbates is also relevant. Good luck.

Dr Andrew Rynne.

www.andrewrynne.com



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replied March 9th, 2010
Extremely eHealthy
This isn't a surgical issue alone. Sex is a component of the male ego. The male sex drive doesn't permit soemthing like a cosmetic defect prevent them from engaging in sexual contact with their chosen gender. Any other man with an active interrest in engaging in sexual activity would have been to a urologist before the end of puberty or simply endured the agony to at least end his virginity. My assumption is that early sexual exploration was painful for him to the point of trauma or that deeper issues are at work. Even once surgical complications with his penis are resolved he will likely still need pretty in-depth therapy to assume normal sexual function and realistically sex between you both will never be quite what you're hoping for.
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replied March 15th, 2010
I'm with W0LF on this - require therapy or leave. He may have trauma or abuse in his past, perhaps some kind of maternal emotional neglect. Denial for men can last for decades in Complex PTSD cases (consider the clergy-abuse scandal victims) and to work through anything serious can take years. He needs to make a committed effort to help himself figure out what is really going on. He may have multiple issues, or simply prejudices from cultural upbringing (Italian-phobia?). Either way, this should be his problem to solve, not yours.
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replied March 16th, 2010
This is a common problem for some guys(I myself), They are afraid that their girlfriend will get pregnant.

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replied March 17th, 2010
Experienced User
Does he have a religious upbringing? That may be a factor too. There is clearly a problem in that he lets you give him blow jobs sounds like uncountable amount of times and frequently and he hasn't even touched you below the waist. That is not cool. Stop giving him head. If he doesn't have the decency to reciprocate don't do that for him. If the problem was really only medical he could do many things to sexually satisfy you going down on you, fingering you, toys etc. etc. etc. There is plenty of possibilities. He hasn't gone because then he will really no longer have an excuse something else is clearly going on that he hasn't told you for whatever reason. This problem is not going to go away any time soon. Your patience has worn thin for good reason. I think you should move on. We only have so many sexually vibrant years and you are wasting yours. Best of luck to you.
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