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separated from husband contemplating divorce

I have recently separated from my husband. He had been physically abusive and emotionally abusive. Still to this day he calls me names. That's why I left all the name calling and belittling and threats to me and my family. He is an alcoholic, denies it of course he quit recently but bought more. The only bad thing I did was not being able to talk to him about important things in fear of what he might do if I said something wrong. He had cheated once when I was visiting my parents blamed it on alcohol and said that he got too drunk which now I know is an excuse, he made a choice. I've been married 4 years together 6. I stayed another 3 years after he told me he cheated now I know I shouldn't have because things haven't been the same since. I can forgive but not forget, plus I lost a sense of me and wasn't very happy. We had gone to church but he disagreed with what the pastor said so I had to quit going to. I was afraid to clean cause I didn't know how he wanted things done. He has double standards, I have been to his house recently and everything is piled up the dishes, laundry, compost, etc but if I were there and they were piled up I would get my butt chewed out. I do care about him loads but don't know if I can go back to a life like that and all the changes he would have to make I don't think he would do. I think he is a narcissist cause he isn't mean to his family or friends. He's said he's only hit me and stuff cause I pushed his buttons. But I've done research and that's something an emotional abuser would say. Please help me out.
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replied August 20th, 2013
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Hi ordinarydoor2...I hurt for you...No woman should have to go through what you have been through...BUT, the door is there...Only you can open it...You have to decide if you want to be treated like an inferior person or respected....

You must help yourself...and I think you know this...I send you all my love...Take care...

Caroline....

One more thing...NO MAN should EVER LAY A HAND ON A WQMAN...Once it starts, it doesn't stop...
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replied August 20th, 2013
Yes I know. I've been talking to everyone. Right now I can't afford to think about it classes just started back up and I'm striving for As since I'm with my sister and not stressed. Genetics, microbiology, and wildlife management. I have a job too now this is my second week. I've been talking to him through texts friendly but he knows where I stand at least I think he does. Plus the cheating even just once is enough to hurt, it was a choice he made well all of its choices he's made but I was 2 hours away and he hid it from me for a year and my mom told me that he only told me cause he couldn't live with his own cowardliness. I know I may not have been the best but he did a lot worse the only bad thing I did was my lack of communication in fear of saying something wrong in fear of what he might do and lying about going to the bear claw because that's my choice not his and I lied cause if I would have told him I didn't go I would have been in trouble.
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replied August 21st, 2013
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You sound like you have found peace with yourself...Think twice before you head back to a possible bonfire...The cheating is big...Being physically abusive is about as low as it gets...Add mentally and he is far from the perfect husband...You must be able to say what you want to say without the fear of what he will do...A wife is not a trophy that you can handle anyway you want, but a person who has as much to say about life as a man does...

I have always heard that once a man lays a hand on a woman that they will probably do it again...Saying this, be cautious before you change your life to being back where you were...My best to you...

Caroline...
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replied August 24th, 2013
Extremely eHealthy
While I don't exactly share Caroline's dogmatic view of people and life I agree, from your description, you are well out of that marriage and can look forward to a new and more rewarding life.

Cheating is never ok without the permission of the significant other. Just because cheating is wrong doesn't mean folk should wring their hands or recoil in horror as some cheating is more wrong than others.
Like murder and other crimes it must be discussed and examined at length to establish the circumstances, motives and state of mind of the offender at the time of the offence...
While the verdict must always be guilty the punishment does vary with the degree of the crime. That is called justice!
Sometimes when the case is examined the charge of murder becomes one of manslaughter...

All too often women run rings around men with the speed of their wit, their use of language and the implications of what they say and the tone they use. During an argument when emotions run high frustration can sometimes overtake a man. Often he has a point of logic or something he isn't expressing very well and his wife refuses to hear or consider but instead confounds him with inappropriate pauses, overwhelms him with language and frustrates him with feminine logic.

I am not a person who considers women to be a special case. They are not soft and feminine inside and deserve to be treated as ladies only when they are behaving like ladies - it must be remembered a gentleman is only a gentleman when he is being treated as such by a lady.
A woman isn't a sacred object or made of china.
Women wanted equality and they got it but when outraged they still reserve the right to slap a man or worse; beat him near to death with their tongues - women when out of temper can be particularly cruel.
I certainly wouldn't feel inhibited about retaliating or even slapping a woman if I am outraged by one. That doesn't automatically make me a violent man or a wife-beater nor does it any other man who has been driven to distraction and replied in the way nature has equipped him to reply.

There is a clear difference between a wife-beater and a man who would slap a woman under severe provocation.

Interestingly, the subject of husband-beaters doesn't feature in these pages, yet there are many...

Clearly that description doesn't apply to your circumstances.
I admit I only took the opportunity to inject a little proportion into a subject that can be so emotive that it prompts people who are otherwise quite rational to repeat over-simplified dogma as if it is the whole truth.

I wish you well with your new life.
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replied August 24th, 2013
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Once a man slaps a woman chances are he will do it again...There is also quite a difference between a man hitting a woman and a woman a man...I feel neither should do this...

My husband has always considered me as a sacred object of china in regard to hitting or hurting me...He would never touch me..A man should be able to get beaten to death with her tongue and still not lash bash with either his fists or a slap...He can walk away...IMO, if she did slap him then he should be the one holding back and do to her what this woman is doing with her husband...Leave her...When two people start physically battling then the problems begin...Fights escalate and a war of words becomes a physical happening...

This is the way I have lived and my thoughts on this will never change...Yes, we women are special...
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replied August 25th, 2013
Extremely eHealthy
It is nice for those who live in a near perfect world but few people do.

The best way to protect and even to respect one's own dignity is to protect and respect the dignity of others. Receiving a tongue-lashing from a wife is one of the most undignified things possible for both and such a thing must be brought quickly to a dead stop so nothing is said that is not true or intended or relevant and regretted later.
No one should ever regret anything said even when out of temper, especially when out of temper...

Walking away is not an option for everyone and represents a serious loss of face some people and relationships never recover from. Not everyone has the power to tune out and cease to listen. A chance remark during such an emotive diatribe can cut deep and destroy a relationship.

It is important nothing is ever said in the heat of an argument that is not true or not intended or not meant or not relevant. It is important to follow the rules even during a heated argument.

It can be argued not slapping a near-hysterical woman who is in danger of saying something that cannot later be unsaid is a greater evil in the long term.

It is nice to live in a near-perfect world and have husbands who would sacrifice pride and dignity for their wives and suffer gladly such a loss of face a Samurai would be forced to commit hara-kiri.
It is nice for those who have husbands who don't mind that their wives don't care about protecting a husband's dignity.

The reality of real life for most of the world's population is it stinks of excrement and each must find their own way and do whatever it takes to get through. Some do it one way and others do it another. Some have one set of beliefs or standards and some believe in other things. There are few things that are wholly right or wholly wrong and what matters is having the fewest regrets at the end of one's life.

If I am not controversial I am nothing...
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replied August 25th, 2013
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verne01 wrote:
If I am not controversial I am nothing...


**********************************


And if I didn't talk my talk and speak out for what I think is right, I would not be here...My only regret is that with as busy as my life is that I cannot spend more time here helping as far too many people hurt...

You and I come from two different worlds...Yes, mine is near perfect...However, this is true because I married someone who is both my lover and equal...We are one...I cannot phantom speaking of trading slaps or punches with someone...When you said that if a woman told you off that you would consider this case for a slap it disgusted me....IMO, nothing should prompt violence...Unfortunately, this seems to be a man's game in life when he gets frustrated with his partner...
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replied August 26th, 2013
Extremely eHealthy
I wouldn't ever condone a man punching a woman and nor would I condone any retaliation for being told off if a telling off was both rational and justified.

The politics of relationships between people are little different to the politics between nations.
Consider the situation between Japan and America; after a shaky beginning the two personalities became partners until Japan began to have grand ideas above its station and began to behave irrationally and hysterically, though to them, their arguments and actions were logical.
Extending Caroline's argument, America should have turned away, turned the other cheek, walked away to cool down and accepted the injustices of China and Pearl Harbour.

The truth is, had America not realised the time for diplomacy had passed and "slapped" Japan the relationship would have effectively been over and all future relations would have been full of malice and suspicion and resentment. Because America got physical, because America got down to the level Japan had adopted, because of America's own high principles and need to protect and restore its dignity, eventually the marriage between America and Japan was saved.
America's physical action restored Japan to rationality and ended the hysteria.

While becoming Biblical and adopting "an eye for an eye" without measured consideration would cause the whole world to be blind, the equally Biblical philosophy of turning the other cheek would have most of the world in slavery.

In the affairs of humanity there is a time and place for every sort of action and reaction; the trick is making each and every action rational, appropriate, measured and timely.

Ever since Eve disobeyed God and tempted Adam with forbidden fruit the real world has stunk of excrement...
If Adam had only had the sense and foresight to slap the silly woman there and then and to stop her stupid games we would all now be living in the Garden of Eden!
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