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Self loathing

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lo folks, I really need to get something off my chest although I'm not exactly sure what.

I'm 21, live in Amsterdam not rich not poor, in a way the perfect life for a stoner.
but for a few years now(about 6) there have been periods of absolute self loathing/crying for no reason/unable to sleep for day's/some other obviously stupid & useless stuff, these periods normally take the form in months followed by a few weeks of feeling fine, it's irrational and counter productive.

I have tried medication(for both depression and sleeplessness), which don't really have any effect.

my drinking buddies("friends" is a word too large)have no clue about any of this.
a year ago I had a girlfriend I trusted with this, only to discover that I have been played for 3 months.

there's absolutely nothing going on in my life, no school, no job, I used to volunteer for a while but the organisation said "thank you" and moved on.

what's the point of all this?
I find myself longing for a honest hug and something to do.
this situation has not changed for about a year now, even though I try to take the chances that seem to pop up, I'm far from being socially inept no horrendous scar's or layers of fat either.

I could use some advice on how to actually make use of the "cards" that you've been dealt.

thanks for the patience with this wall of tl;dr
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