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see the Doctor? is it OK to want to be alone all the time

Hi I am not sure whether I need to go to the doctor and am not keen really. Brief summary is had trauma in teens, drug addict in 20's, cleaned myself up and turned it all around in 30's while being a single mum. Thought I had gotten off lightly with the experiences as I just need the TV on to sleep at night or I get flashbacks. So recently my fella moved in with me and a few weeks ago I had a miscarriage. At first I was really down and retreated into myself. My other half did his best but I just wouldn't speak to him or be the loving person I was. I dragged myself back nearly and was ok for a week or so but then a memory came back to me one night and it was like a switch in me, I feel numb and cold towards him. I do not want him near me..yet somehow I know I still love him. Hes hurting and wants to discuss it but my reactions are pretty severe and I cant help it. I just end up locking myself away and crying helplessly for 10 minutes, then it just stops and I am back to being able to talk again. He is currently arranging to move away from my house and asks me every day whether he should go. I just feel like I want to control my own environment and need him to go yet I want him with me. My moods shift quite crazily from being super-happy, I mean ridiculously happy to mega-low and unable to move. I have the worst self esteem I have had since I was a child; and it was bad in my teens but at the moment I feel like I am worthless, I feel fat, ugly, disgusted at myself, feel that I do not deserve anything and he says that drives him nuts; he says why am I allowed to do nice things for him but he can't do it for me, because I stop him as I feel I do not deserve nice things. I cannot concentrate properly at work, I have to multi task as my brain races from one thing to the next. My manager noticed a few weeks ago that I was talking stupidly quickly and sent me home from work early as she thought I was a bit stressed. i just couldn't stop it, I didnt know i was doing it. I know that I have isolated myself over the years but I just do not do well with social situations; not that you would know it if you met me as I manage but inside I hate it and hide in the toilets if I can! I'm sleeping ok, a few odd dreams and a bit restless but nothing major, takes a while to drop off. Eating normally, although mainly because I have to cook for the family, I would not bother half the time if not for them. My brain is just whirling, I feel like two people inside, one who wants a steady happy home and the other who wants to sabotage it and be alone. i was happy alone with the kids to be fair and find it harder with a partner. he is very lovely but very social and wants me to go with him everywhere not understanding how overwhelming I find it. Also I tend to agree to sign up to all these ventures which he passes my way and when it comes to it I change my mind as it all feels too much. I just don't know if I should see the doctor or if this is normal to experience all this? It isn't just this relationship I'm sabotaging...my last partner I went 'numb' on him too. I think it is not right to want to be alone all the time?
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