Hello. I don't expect anyone to read this but I just had to say this somewhere. Im the kind of person that doesn't say or express any of my feelings. I believe I am quite confident in what I do but just without the expression of feelings. I just like to keep my feelings to myself rather than expressing it. But this time I just have to or else I might do something stupid.
I have broken up with my girlfriend around 2-3 months ago. The reason was that I was not ready for a baby as she was pregnant. I was scared and confused at the same time. I Will only be starting university this September and I don't want anything to get in between me and my education. My girlfriend wouldn't accept an abortion as she would have felt guilty for the rest of her life. We tried it once but the abortion did not go successfully. I then gave it a chance to see if I can cope with having a baby, however after a week or 2 my mind gave in and I couldn't so I asked my girlfriend in the most polite, kind and thoughtful way possible to abort the baby. I took her to a hotel I did everything to try and reason with her. She herself is in university and is in her last year of biomedicine. I don't a baby to ruin both our lives atm since none of us have enough money to keep te child and spoil him the way I want. The way I imagined to have a baby was to be married with jobs and a place to live together. Not as students living with parents I'm not even in university yet imagine having a baby whilst studying for a full degree! If we didn't have this baby I would have stayed with her And proposed to her as she was and still is the one for me. No matter who I'm with right now or later she will always be in my heart. She thinks I'm telling my friends that the baby is not mine and that I am spreading things about her. But in fact its the total opposite! I'm telling everyone that it's mine and that if things were different it would have been my dream to have a baby together. No one else just her. Since we've broken up ive had meaningless sex with another woman who I instantly stopped talking to as I thought it would help but made things worse in my head. Now I am with another woman who is a very nice person. She understands me and she also knows everything about the situation with my ex and is okay with it. However there's still something inside me that wants my ex back at any cost. I want to see the child and raise it together with her. I'm just scared as I don't want the responsibility of a child nor have I got the financial foundation for one. My parents would accept it very well if we were married before having a child. They have no problem with my ex. Only this. However she is very arrogant and ignorant towards me (that's how I feel, maybe she might not be) I still love her to this day and would give anything in the world to be back with her and turn time to the beginning of our relationship and make everything better. Especially the grief I have given her.
I hated to see her hurt. Whenever I hurt her mentally I would go home and punish myself physically and mentally. Of course I never told her this but I did it for me to keep my conscious from burning up from the inside. I really never wanted to hurt her, all I wanted was to be with her forever but in stages.
I don't tell anyone but I'm severely depressed within me. On the outside I'm a happy easy going person. On the inside I'm like a clock ticking forever until one day I just... I don't know. I just hope that day doesn't come.
There are so many things I'd like to apologise for to her. But I know she wouldn't believe me and I know all she sees is the wrongs that I have done.

I have so much more to talk about but time does not let me right now.

Wherever you are and whatever you are doing my love, I wish you well and hope you don't think so badly of me as I only wanted the best for all of us. I love you and will always love you no matter what. No matter how much you harass my friends and family over Faceboo, no matter how much bad things you write about me and my family. I will always love you. take good care of him okay? Tell him the truth why I left not what you think or heard. Tell him what I told you and the way I told you. Goodbye my love
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