Medical Questions > Relationships > Dating Forum

Right guy, wrong time? Sooooo confused.

This is a bit long, so PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE bear with me Smile

This past summer, after wasting two precious years of my life with him, I finally got the courage to once and for all leave my abusive (now ex) boyfriend. We got into an argument because I told him I didn't want to buy him weed and he proceeded to grab a knife and threatened to stab me and kill me. He then dragged me out of the house into MY car and basically kidnapped me and made us drive around for a couple of hours, all the while yelling at me and punching me. After he finally calmed down and let me go, I vowed I would never go back to him and I never did. I didn't call the police or press charges that night (though, looking back, I should have), I was just happy to have made it home alive. After that night, maybe it was the fact that I really thought he was going to kill me, but something just clicked and I realized he was never going to change and I needed to get out because the situation would only worsen from here on out.
After that night I told my parents and friends about the abuse and it felt liberating finally telling the truth and not lying and making excuses for how he acted and telling everyone also reaffirmed and set in stone for me that I would never go back to him. The support I received from everyone was overwhelming and I was happy to have my life back. I re-connected with friends I had lost due to him, I started spending more time with my friends and my family now that he wasn't there consuming all of my time, I got a new job, I was starting school at a new university and everything was just going so well.
So, now that the background information is out of the way, here is where my problem comes in. After I left him, I started going out with my girlfriends once again, which led to me dating once again. I dated several guys and made it clear from the beginning, just to be on the same page, that I wasn't looking for anything serious and was just wanting to have fun. Getting out of a two-year relationship, I figured something serious and committed was the last thing I needed. Nonetheless, it was fun to just get back out there again and know that I WOULD meet someone again, and guys would like me, and just knowing that in time, I'd find somebody, just made it all the easier to get over him and move on with my life.
After dating for a while, I went through a period of not really seeing anyone and recently I met a guy who I can see things progressing with and who I can see myself in a relationship with. He treats me like a princess, he's a total gentleman, he opens my car door for me everytime we go out, he takes me out on dates, he's intelligent, he's extremely kind and he's the first guy who I can see myself dating long-term. I really like him, but at the same time I'm scared and I almost just want to cut off all relations with him. I find his nice-ness a little overwhelming I guess and I don't know if it's because he's coming on too strong or if it's because I'm so used to being treated like crap and I'm not used to how nice he is to me. I'm so hesitant and skeptical because I'm scared that I'll miss all of the red flags again and he'll be nice for a little while and then he'll turn into my ex-boyfriend and I'll go back to being treated how I was before. I don't want that. I don't want to be punched and hit and yelled at, I want someone who'll care for me and never lay a hand on me.
I feel like when I first left my ex-boyfriend, I didn't give myself time to heal. I started going out with my friends, I spent time with my family, I picked up more and more shifts at work and I didn't give myself time to think about our relationship or what had happened to me. And only a while ago, it all started to sink in. It still hurts and I think about it constantly and some days I just want to cry and cry and cry. I want to talk to somebody, but it's too painful to recall all of the memories. I don't know if with this new guy he's the right guy, but it's just the wrong time. I don't know if there'll ever be a right time! I don't really know how to heal from this, maybe I'm just not ready for a relationship, but will I ever be ready for a relationship? I don't know if I'll ever be able get into a relationship with anyone without thinking those "What if?" thoughts. I don't know, I am just all confused and feel like a mess, I don't want to push this guy away, but I don't want to get into anything and realize that I'm just not ready for it. Some advice would be much appreciated.
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First Helper misspickle
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replied November 12th, 2010
I've have been in a similar situation. I went out with an abuser for approx 5 years, then finally left him for an angel. I told the angel most of my past and helped me heal. I did initally fall in love with the angel, but after 2 years left him but only because he wasn't 'the one'. I have been with 'the one' for 10 year now. If your new boyfriend makes you feel good for the now, don't think about your past, just think about you, relax and enjoy the attention. And if your feeling good, good things/people will come your way. Hope that helps. Good Luck.
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replied November 12th, 2010
P.S. Meant to also say...it's probably normal to have some demons and issues form the past from a horrendous sitution. It's early days for you, I still occasionally have nightmares about the abuser even though it was nearly 15 years ago and then I wake up and see my special one is there and everything is fine.
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replied April 2nd, 2011
Hello, thank you for sharing your dilemma. I find myself facing the same story. My ex abuser is such a charming man. We are both very young. He 29 & I freshly 27. It was love at first sight, as it often is for me. The control & the rage tip toed in later; then exploded. I wont go in to detail. But, suffice it to say, that the relationship was intense in every way it could be. Passionate, at time filled with joy; other times, we created & gifted to one another only the sharpest sorrow, acute anguish, & self & mutual hate. These experiences leave the deepest hollows in our souls. Carving out their traces in our material make up, like a mighty ancient and fierce river forever imprints and damages a landscape. But when those waters subside, it is up to us, as living dust, to reform and erode that which erodes us. It can't be done in isolation. Your new gift of love is just that, a gift, from God. I am so fortunate to also have just met some one. My angel. His name is Scott. I have those same fears and insecurities you so bravely confessed; of our new angels being demons with glued on wings. Reading your words, it is more apparent to me, that is is more than likely the case that the angels are real, and it is only our past conditioning that is making us fear a flood of fury from the calm ones we are so lucky to now have found. I am struggling with the desire to push him away, because I am scared of a lot of things. I might be the one to hurt him. I know what it is like to feel damaged. To feel contaminated. The solution, I think, isn't to quarantine ourselves until we are 'ready.' Because as you say that day may never come. So, I say, let's be bountifully grateful for the good that has come after much bad. Take it one day at a time. Make sure to be engaged in activities fostering self improvement, like yoga or dance or any other constructive group activity or creative endeavor that speaks to you. Lean on your newly arrived angel. But take the time to heal as an individual while you are blessed with his support. Seek out spiritual leaders, counselors, or read words of the wise whom empower you. Remember this is a time for you. None of the bad that has happened to you was your fault. Let's focus on allowing ourselves to deserve the good. And ask for the clarity to recognize it. I am still apprehensive and scared, but hoping to take it one day at a time, and not lose faith that he really could be the one; or at least the one to take care of me and help me to heal right now. I want to have faith that he is truly good, and he is here because I deserve him. I hope that is the case for you to. May God bless you and keep you. Peace be with you.
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