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Return to college and risk falling back into depression?

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So, Im going to start my second year in college in less than 2 months now, but Im terrified that Ill go back to being sad and depressed like I was my freshman year. You see, back in the beginning of freshman year, i got really homesick. I started to miss my family really badly. Actually, i started to miss everything about my home. I missed my family, I missed my friends, i missed my teachers from high school. Basically, I missed my entire life from high school. I absolutely hated my new life in college. All I wanted to do was go home. I was sad all the time and for some reason I always felt like crying. I cried myself to sleep most of the time and i was just so unhappy and miserable all the time. I did meet a lot of people in college and some of them I would even consider good friends, but I dont feel like im close to any of them. I dont feel like I can tell them whats wrong. I didnt feel like I belonged and I felt lonely all the time. Anyway, my grades started to drop around halfway through the semester. I had started skipping class way to often and just stayed in bed all day. My low grades made me even more sad than I was before. I tried going to class but I had lost all motivation to go to class. Whenever I tried to studying, I couldnt concentrate and would just go take a nap or something. Part of me didnt even care about my grades anymore but another part of me cared way too much and I would cry about my grades. At some point I figured something was wrong with me and that I should tell someone and ask for help. I couldnt tell anyone in my family because I didnt want them to worry about me. They already worried enough about me just being away from home. I couldnt tell my best friends from high school because i felt like an idiot telling them that i hated my school after saying so many times that this was my dream school and that i couldnt wait to come here. I had a couple upperclassmen friends that I sort of trusted and a mentor that I knew would listen too me. I tried telling one of the upperclassmen when we were studying together. I really wanted to tell him everything that was wrong but when I tried telling him, I couldnt work up the courage to say something or bring it up. So I would just sit there in agony trying to tell him something while he sat there oblivious of my misery. Eventually, I would convince myself that hes too busy to listen to me rant about my problems and that I would just be bothering him. Later, I went to go tell a mentor of mine what was wrong. I hadnt responded to his emails to schedule an appointment with him in over a month, but I knew he would listen to anything I had to say. So, I went to the building where his office is at, but I only made it to the stairwell outside the floor to his office. There i sat down trying to work up the courage to go in and tell him everything. I sat there for over an hour. I walked in and saw him sitting at a table right outside his office. I sat down next him and he asked if I wanted to talk. I said yes. We went to his office and he started asking me how classes were going. I told him everything about how badly my grades were, and he listened. He gave me advice about how to improve my grades and kept motivating me and trying to convince me that i was smart and that it was possible to fix my grades. I left his office feeling a little bit better because I had finally told someone about my grades, but I still couldnt tell anyone else about being homesick and feeling all alone on campus. Throughout the rest of the semester, I kept trying to tell my mentor and upperclassmen friend but I never worked up the courage to tell them. I ended the semester with a 1.2 gpa and it only made me feel worse about myself. Winter break came and I was so happy to be home again and with my family. But, I kept dreading the end of winter break. I didnt want to go back to college. I constantly debated just not going back and staying home and attending a community college. But, if I left my college, I would lose my only opportunity to graduate from a prestigious university. Im a first generation college student and I want to make my parents proud. I also want to set a good example for my nieces and show them that its possible to graduate from a good college. I also have a very good financial aid package at my school. Because of all these reasons, I decided to come back for my second semester. Second semester started out pretty bad. I got into an argument with my main group of friends and they stopped talking to me. I was really pissed off at them so I blocked their numbers and blocked them on social media but at the same time I was still sad that I lost a good group of friends. I started talking to other acquaintances and tried not to spend too much time in my room. Then, as I was trying to find housing for next year, the two friends that I was going to get an apartment with decided to sign a lease for an apartment for the two of them and they didnt tell me until after they signed the lease. So, I had no one to live with next year. It turned out okay because I just got an apartment with my current roommate but I slowly started to drift away from those two friends. I started hanging out with a friend that i had met last semester. Shes a really good friend that I really liked spending time with but I feel like she has a very big group of friends and tries to spend time with all of them that she doesnt really have much time to hang out with me. Still I hung out with her a lot, but I was still alone a lot . I feel like I wasnt that sad anymore but those feelings of sadness and loneliness were still there. And i think they were still affecting my life. I dont want to say that I had depression because I was never really diagnosed but I still feel like I had symptoms of depression. Anyway, about a month before the end of second semester, I started talking to a girl that was in one of the student orgs Im in. She seemed really cool and I felt like I could relate to her. We started hanging out a lot and we quickly became best friends. Now before I talk more about my best friend, theres something else that happened. I went to my regularly scheduled appointment with my mentor, and before our meeting ended, he asked if I had time to stay for a workshop that his department was doing. I said yes and I waited for him to tell me what the workshop was about. He didnt tell me so i just assumed it was a time management workshop or something like that. He just said they're about to start so we headed over there. They had already started so we quietly joined in. I was so unprepared to find out what this workshop was about. There were students, professors and staff talking about their struggles with mental health. Their stories were so relatable and it was so relieving to hear people talk about their stories. But this was also everything i had been hiding from everyone for almost a year and I was trying so hard to hold back my tears but in the end I started crying silently as people keep sharing their stories. My mentor had tried so hard to figure out why my grades were so low but he finally figured it out. He knew something was wrong and Im glad someone had finally figured it out. After the workshop, we returned to his office and I broke down and told him everything. How much I hated being there and how I wanted to go home and that I felt lonely all the time. Everything came out. He listened like he always does and he helped. He suggested that i should go to counseling. I left his office feeling a lot better now that I had told him everything. Ok now back to my best friend. We went to a party together and basically I got black out drunk. She was sober and took care of me, but the embarrassing part was that I started crying. I basically spilled all my insecurities to her. I told her I hated the school, and that I didnt want to disappoint my parents (about my grades) and that no one cares about me except my mentor. I told her everything. She told me everything I had said the day after. And I feel like it just brought us closer together now that she knew all those things. She even told me that she didnt like being at school either and they she missed her home too. Point is: we became really close friends. I even decided not to go to counseling like my mentor suggested because i was feeling better now that we were friends and it was almost the end of the year anyway. And I had high hopes for next year. Thinking that everything would be better now that I had my best friend. I wouldnt be miserable next year. But now that its the middle of summer, my best friend keeps saying that she might not come back to our school in the fall. That she might just stay home. And Im scared that if shes not there with me, I going to go back to being miserable and sad all the time. Im terrified that this year will be like my freshman year, and I dont want to go back to that. I dont know if I should just stay home too or go back to my college and risk falling back into depression. Pls help. What should I do? And sorry for the long post.
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replied August 9th, 2017
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That is a tough one to help. I understand you are concerned. Don't worry about the future as much as it only will make you feel worse. I know that is easier said than done. The unfortunate thing I learned the hard way is there are times when it's best to cut off ties between people you find to be distressing even if those people are close to you. That doesn't mean you can never talk to them, but it sometimes does. It may sound like a horribly painful idea but I cut off ties with two people in my life I never thought I would and it was very hard at first, but in the long run being able to run your life as a single and emotionally stable individual can trump being a couple with ongoing issues despite the severity of the issues. I can see that there are a lot of factors you are handling at once and that is never easy. Be the best you can be and look at the things you feel are helping/hindering and try to remedy those that hinder to the best of your ability and by whatever means you need to take. Make sure to address the concerns you have with someone you trust that is not bothersome to you in any way (or this could trigger additional stress you do not need). I know counseling/therapy/psychotherapy all sound like a load of crap and they are not fun but I highly advise you continue doing that if you haven't already. Take care of yourself and be free! I know you can do it.
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