Medical Questions > Relationships > Troubled and Abusive Relationships Forum

resent my marraige and hate my husband

I have been marriage for 23 years and the first 20 year horrible. I was put down and called names almost every day. I stayed for the 2 kids and was not financially able to leave i didn't work i was a stay at home mom. My husband was a very verbally abusive alcoholic. I left once and he threatened to tell cops i kidnapped kids if i didn't come home. That was on our 10thanniversary. Since then i have stayed and just slowly hated myself and my self worth has been destroyed. My kids are now both our of the house and on their own. My husband has been sober fr 2 years now and is truly trying to be a better person. I dont care anymore, every time i look at him i see the past and makes me sick to even touch him. I have not kissed him in over a year and he has sex but it is just get done an go to sleep and i do that so he doesn't complain. I finally told him that i dont care about our marriage anymore and i cant get over the past it is always there eating at me,. he said that is something I have to forgive. I hate myself and him. I dont feel any worth as a person and i really want to be happy. My daughter is in her last year of college and need a roommate and always tells me to come live with her. I want to go so bad but i feels so guilty for hurting him,. but can only see myself happy away from him. I feel liek i am drowning with him but feel like a quitter for leaving. Thanks for the vent it helps to get it out.
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replied May 14th, 2013
Extremely eHealthy
Hello,

You clearly have some high standards for yourself and still seem to be putting duty before yourself. That is certainly admirable especially as you now don't have to stay.

Marriage is a contract intended to last for life. For those who discover they cannot make a working relationship in spite of their greatest efforts there is divorce.

If you can honestly say you have given the marriage your best efforts then you could go with a clear conscience but still you stay even though you claim you no longer care.

Is it possible you haven't been entirely honest with yourself about your reasons for staying?
If you leave you have a home and adventure waiting for you and the companionship of your daughter. You will have the chance to heal and yet you stay; it really makes no sense...

Your husband says you have to forgive the past. Personally I don't see how you can forgive him. He has only been sober for two years and that will be like a drop in the ocean after the twenty years of abuse. I think it would take most people much longer than two years after twenty years of abuse by someone suffering from a mental illness.
Alcoholism is self inflicted but is a very real illness nonetheless. He probably doesn't remember much about those twenty years and much of what he does remember will be like it wasn't really him saying those things and being drunk most of the time. Being sober will be a bit like waking from a coma and reading about the last twenty years.

He should be sincerely and truly sorry and express his apologies to you everyday but in reality he probably hardly knows what he must be sorry for.

If he was sorry and expressed as much it would open the door to your forgiveness when and if you are ready to forgive.
If you forgave him it would be the first step towards working on your marriage.

I wonder why he started drinking to excess in the first place? Drinkers are usually trying to escape from something...

If you stay without intending to sooner or later give your marriage your best effort then you are only hurting yourself further and your husband's life won't be much fun either, though yours will be infinitely worse.

I feel if you are determined to stay you should do so in order to work on your marriage whatever it takes. If you are determined not to work on your marriage then you should go!

I strongly suggest you take a long holiday with your daughter or someone in order to sort your head out. Talk to a counsellor if you have to.
Your first priority must be yourself; you need to achieve a state where you are comfortable in your own skin. Until you can be content or even like yourself you have little chance of liking anyone at all.

I hope this helps and gives you food for more thought.
Good luck!
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replied May 14th, 2013
I have to wait until my daughter to finish semester apartment not available for 3 more weeks. I don't want to work on it. He has left me feeling empty and hollow, I carry a lot of guilt for letting myself get to this point, when I told him I feel nothing at all and don't want to work on marriage. He just acts like whatever I will get over it and ignores my feelings altogether, I do everything for m even lay out his clothes for 23 years I want to be happy and know leaving is the only way for me but I can't understand all the guilt I feel. He says sorry and it mean nothing. I feel happy when he no home or I am at work. Wen I see him pull up the low feeling comes. He calls me a quitter and that I give up too easy, that makes me feel like a horrible person.
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replied May 15th, 2013
Extremely eHealthy
Hello again,

Sorry isn't a fix-all word and it has no value without genuine remorse.

If he felt that remorse you would be able to judge, to be able to feel it from his actions. There would have been changes and you wouldn't still be laying out his clothes, for instance, or the host of other things he should be doing.
If he felt genuine remorse he would now be trying to earn your forgiveness. He would be trying to encourage you to want to stay.
From your description it seems even now he has found no humility and isn't concerned with restoring your dignity.

It isn't at all unusual for a victim to feel guilt. Unless you were in some way responsible all those years ago for him turning to drink and becoming an alcoholic you have nothing to feel guilty about.

I suggest you look inside yourself and if you can discover no reasons to feel guilty then you should dismiss your feelings as being false and allow yourself to be guided by your conscience and your instincts.

You are not a quitter although he would be justified in accusing you of that as he hasn't been married to you as long as you have been married to him as he spent two decades in an alcoholic haze that would seem now as if he dreamed that part and it didn't really happen.

You can dismiss what he says and it shouldn't make you feel as though you are a horrible person. Raising your family and keeping the household together while he was intoxicated were real achievements you can be justly proud of especially as you did these things in spite of him.

Good luck!
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