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Questions about men recovering from a bad relationship.

The guy I'm dating was in a very bad 1 year (dating) relationship. I'm getting the impression he was emotionally abused. We met just one month after he ended it with the last gf. We've been dating for just over a month now, which would mean he's 2 months out of that bad relationship.

Here is the situation and question...
He has openly stated that he's not ready to jump into something serious right away and that he's decompressing from the last one. He even had a bit of an anxiety attack yesterday about just being out of one thing and already finding himself in something new.

I have done my end of being verbally supportive, kind, and doing nice things like hour long massages or baking him things. I made it clear during our talk yesterday that I hope I wasn't coming on too strongly and that I just wanted him to see how he deserves to be treated (whether it's by me or someone else).

Here's the problem...
How can I be there for him and show interest without overwhelming him? I can tell he's genuinely interested in me. I've decided not to make a big deal if he doesn't invite me to a 4th of July BBQ---because that would mean being introduced to all of his friends. But how long should I expect (as a general rule) before I call it a day? Although we're still getting to know each other, I'd like to see this work as it does have potential. On the other hand, I don't want to wait around for someone...

We have been intimate and are monogamous.

I would like to better understand what men go through after they break up with someone in this kind of situation----he broke up with her and has no interest in going back.
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replied August 18th, 2010
dear lacaasian,

As a man, I can only tell you about my experience.
I am in the process of ending a 10 year long abusive relationship with my ex-partner. We have a business and children to consider, but this is not the point. I have been physically, verbally and emotionally abused by my ex-partner to the point of nearly losing my mind.

Baking him cakes is not going to help him, especially if you are only seeing him as potential material to abuse once you gain his trust.
Sounds to me like you're more interested in your relationship than your life (which means that you have no life outside of the relationship)

The best advise I can give HIM is get the fu3k out of any relationship you as quickly as possible. Though it seems he already smells trouble.

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replied October 1st, 2010
Experienced User
I would say that one month is clearly not enough time for him to heal and recover. I'm not sure from your writing what ages the two of you are, but I know that one month is NOT enough to heal. It's not fair to both of you. I think you have said some correct things to him, but massages and baking things may be overwhelming for him at this point in time. I have been in 2 consecutive abusive relationships and my emotions are all over the place. You say that the relationship has potential, but have you really seen him once he has been fully healed? I don't think you've really seen his vibrant and fully uplifted side. Also, I would say abosultely positively no intimate contact or you'll both will be severely hurt. It takes 2 healthy persons in a relationship, but perhaps you should just back off a little and give him his space. I know the more pressure I'm under and somethered it just makes me want to run away to relieve the stress. I hope this helps : )
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