Hi.

I have already planned to go to my doctor soon anyways, but would like to know if I really am depressed. I have had a lot of relationship problems with my current boyfriend. Ever since things started I have felt terrible. I always feel sad, have had thoughts of suicide plenty of times, can't sleep, my body shakes like I am cold, but I am not, and everytime I see this girl my boyfriend done me wrong with, I get very angry and shake, adrenaline rushes really bad, I start crying uncontrollably, and my heart races faster than I have ever felt. I feel worthless and guilty like everything is my fault. I don't go out and do things anymore, and can't stand to be around anyone. I always want to be alone. But I have to find something to keep my mind occupied or my mind starts racing and the same things happen. I get a weird feeling in my stomach as if I have dropped off of a high hill. I have started smoking a lot more here recently. And I don't eat that much. Could I be depressed? I must also mention I have had a family crisis where I had to leave my mom since she was treating me bad. I am now 18 and have felt like this for a long time now. She made me feel used and unworthy.
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replied September 4th, 2009
I'm so sorry you are going through all this at a young age. Any time you think about suicide thats a huge warning in itself that you should see a doctor. It also sounds like you are having panic attacks. I have these panic attacks occasionally and suffer from depression also and I am under a physciatrist's care and take meds that help me alot. Please see someone soon, it's not at all good to have suicidal thoughts. Best of luck to you, Angie
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replied September 5th, 2009
Thanks for replying. I also thought I may be having panic attacks, but wasn't sure. This is all so new to me, so I didn't hardly know what was going on with me. What are the signs of panic attacks? And do you know what could be causing them? Now that I know this, I will definitely see a doctor soon.
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replied September 6th, 2009
Well mine are post traumatic panic attacks. They didn't start until after I had 2 surgeries back to back and my then 19 yr. old daughter had a baby (Daddy of baby is not in the picture at all) and moved back in with us. I basically had a nervous breakdown. When I had my first attack I thought it was a heart attack! I couldn't breath , was shaking uncontrollably, was cold then hot and sweating awful bad. I was actually in the hospital in day surgery waiting to have my surgery when it happened! Thank goodness I was already with doctors! I just honestly could not breath and thought I was having a heart attack! Anything trigger them and usually I can't predict when I will have one. Most always its stress that causes them. I take Buspar and Xanax the panic attacks and anxiety and Zoloft and Pristiq for my depression. I am also going through menopause and that certainly doesn't help! But please find you a good doctor soon, there is help and you are to young to go through this, you should be enjoying life!!! Hope this is some help to you, let me know if you have any more questions. Best to you! Angie
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replied September 7th, 2009
I really appreciate your reply. That's what I do as well. I don't have trouble breathing, but my body does go out of control. And I'm not able to do this all the time, but I can predict when I will have one. It is when I see a certain person (I know it may seem like a teenage problem that isn't that serious, but I mean it really really bothers me, I guess because I cared for him a lot?) that my boyfriend hurt me with. And I agree with you on the enjoying life thing, I just feel as if I am supposed be inside all the time. I don't like being around people period, and have a hard time wanting to go out and do things. I would love to be able to go out and do things with my boyfriend, because he has noticed himself I don't like doing anything anymore. And when he mentions going out, I snap and tell him he knows I don't want to go, so I don't even know why he asks. This whole things has caused a lot of unpleasant things in my relationship. I want to make my boyfriend happy, not make him stay home with me all the time and seem like a bad person. I really do feel like a bad person for putting him through this, but I know it is not my fault. I have to say most of my stress comes from the recent change in my life. I left my mother, due to the fact I felt used and mistreated by her. And according to the lawyer, she abandoned me as well. So I am thinking a lot of my stress, anger and sadness are coming from that. It also does help that my boyfriend has hurt me as well, not physically but mentally. I do have one more question. I have also had the thought I may be bi-polar as well, and others have said the same thing. I can be neutral one moment, then the next I will be mad at something. I get mad at anything and everything, and the littlest thing sets me off and makes me explode. Like if I hit my head on something, or trip, or drop something out of my hands, I am immediately mad for a while. I am not sure if I am bi-polar or not, but I do think I have anger issues as well. I really do appreciate you taking the time to talk to me.
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replied September 7th, 2009
Hey sweetie, I don't mind talking to you at all. I have lots of time on my hands, don't know if I mentioned it but I was in a bad car wreck and crushed my ankle , had surgery and can't walk until around Nov. maybe. Did you say you were 19? I have a daughter thats 20 and twin girls that are 13. I am so sorry that your mother has done this to you. I wish I could give you a hug, there isn't anything more precious to me than my girls! I know you want to make others happy but right now you need to make yourself happy too. I know that might sound selfish but you need to heal. And go see that good doctor asap. Yes you could be bi-polar. Thats when your mood swings are really high or low and are more severe than just depression. A good doctor can diagnos this. And I agree with you that alot of your stress and emotional turmoil is probably coming from your past with your mom. And if your boyfriend is still mentally hurting you , you might want to rethink your relationship with him also. And no matter what you are not a bad person, this is an illness just like a cold is, only this lasts much longer! Have a wonderful day and if you need to talk I'm here!

Angie
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replied September 7th, 2009
I am 18. And I do understand about healing myself first. That would have to happen before I could make everyone else happy. And that's awful, I hope you are ok. And about my boyfriend, I think things would be a lot better between us if I could get my life back on track and get some help. If things don't shape up by then, then I will rethink the relationship. Thanks again.
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replied September 7th, 2009
You are welcome and yes I'm ok, I'm just going to be in a wheelchair until around Nov. then hopefully I can slowly start walking again. I'm glad you understand about healing yourself. If you ever need to just vent or chat let me know! Take care!

Angie
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