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Possible Repressed Sexual Abuse

I'm 24, female - fit, healthy - and besides an anxiety disorder which I'm treating with lots of exercise, L-theanine and GABA, I don't have any other glaring health issues.

When I seven years old I have this memory of sitting in the bathroom, right before my family moved to the new house (unknowing to me at the time, my parents were splitting up and moving to different places). I remember packing things into a box, and suddenly feeling someone staring at me in the door way. I looked up and there was a man standing there, who I remember had the same features as my dad -- but it wasn't my dad. His eyes weren't the same, and I remember suddenly being filled with such fear and dread, like I've never felt before, and running out into the lawn and sobbing in the grass.

My mom, who was outside packing the van, remembers me coming out and crying and screaming that there was a man in the house, and being very uncharacteristically hysterical. She searched the house but of course there was no one but my family, but I wouldn't calm down for hours, and refused to ever go into the house after that.

My parents split up, and we would stay at my dad's house on the weekends. I don't remember very much, but since his place was so small and since I'd becoming terrified of the dark and being alone, my sister and I would share a bed with him.

The year after that my grandma got sick with cancer, and once I heard her arguing with my mom that my Dad had sexually abused my sister and I. She later apologized, and my mom said it wasn't true.

When my sister was in her teens, she became incredibly depressed and suicidal and was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, which I understand often stems from abuse. She never talked to anyone about this, and basically became silent (besides screaming matches) for a good part of her teen years.

Now, as an adult I have unshakable sexual problems, I don't know if they're connected of if any of this is even relevant. I go back and forth from being wildly sexual, and feeling absolutely repulsed by being touched, and reduced to tears.

In the past several months I've put a lot of strain on my current relationship by not being able to be touched sexually -- I have no problem doing things to my boyfriend, but as soon as he touches me I feel panicked and terrified and like I can't breath. Our relationship is very healthy, and he's infinitely supportive. I just don't want this to continue -- and I don't know how to address the issue.

I can't think of any reason why I'd have problems like this. I feel totally comfortable with my boyfriend, and feel very attracted to him. I don't know what to do, or if I'm just placing blame on a reason that doesn't even exist.
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replied May 16th, 2012
Hello, I definitely think you have been abused definitily. everytime you get a trigger try to focus on it & see if you can recover any more of your memory, talk to your sister I have a feeling she has a vivid memory of the abuse. Talk to your grandma also, why would she suggest you were abused ?
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replied May 19th, 2012
i was molested on one occasion as a child and repressed it for years "blocking it out", and then something happened that triggered my memory and i ended up with ptsd. i remembered everything! but now about 18 years after alot of therapy for that along with alot of other problems(i have bpd), i have forgiven this person, moved forward and the memories arent repressed but faded. i would suggest counseling to help with what u are feeling and questioning, not to mention how its affecting your daily life. good luck!
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