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Please keep me in your prayers.

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Yesterday everything had caught up to me and a had a huge breakdown. I had pulled over the side of the road got out of my Jeep and started to run away.... from what? I really don't know I had just freaked out and wanted to get away from it all. Thank God for my girlfriend otherwise I don't know what would've happened to me. She ran after me and I was pushing her away screaming for her to leave me alone and to just let me kill myself already. Some people outside saw what was going on and started to call the police because I was throwing myself on the ground screaming at the top of my lungs that I didn't want to live anymore. She calmed me down enough to drive home but it escalated and grew out of control to where she was scared for my life and had to call the police on me herself, I guess I was that bad, I don't really remember everything that happened. Next thing I knew the police arrived and my girlfriend told me later that night that I was pushing the cop and he had to take out his pepper spray because I was trying to run away and be alone. They had took me to the hospital and I had to be mentally evaluated. I waited there for six hours under suicide watch before the Tulare County health worker got there. He recommended that I finally go and get professional help, and referred me to a counselor. He gave me a card to call for an appointment and I really want and need help, but I'm still afraid that I wont make the call. I know my girlfriend will help me through this just like she has any other time. I feel like my life is worthless and out of control because I just can't stand to live anymore, but my love gives me so much hope and I am so greatful and blessed to have her in my life and hopefully all of this won't make her leave me because she is all that I have. I know everything with work out for the best, I can say that with a little hope because I want to be better and live a normal life, but I know it's going to take a lot of time. Hopefully I'm patient enough for that. Wish me luck everybody, I'm definately going to need it.....
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First Helper User Profile Jasmyn
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replied May 16th, 2011
I don't want to be the bearer of more bad news but this looks a lot like you could be bi-polar and/or manic depressive. It can only be controlled superficially with meds. Please get the help you need because my ex-hubby had this affliction..he ended up dead because he did not trust the doctors to do a needed heart operation or take the meds necessary to level his moods...otherwise you are putting a lot of pressure on your girlfriend and if you don't help yourself, she may not want to stick around to witness your suicide and aftermath. Prayers for you and her.
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Users who thank Taximomi for this post: Jasmyn 

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replied May 17th, 2011
Taximomi,

Thank you so much for your advise it really does mean a lot to me because I don't know what is wrong with me and I appreciate what you have to say, I do really need help but didn't really know for what exactly. Now I have a good idea of what it might be and how I can take care of it. I have really lost the will to live and don't what to do anything irrational that can affect my girlfriend, because she has told me the same thing. She doesn't want to have to witness something like that because she loves and cares for me. I know through all of this she will help me out for than anything but she can only do so much, it's my responsibility to get the rest of the help that I need, making that first call though, is super difficult to me. Again thank you for your input, it means a lot to me to know that people out there in the world cares for someone they don't even know. =]
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replied May 16th, 2011
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Jasmyn-

Please do it. Call the number! The first step is the hardest. After that I promise you, if you let it, things will get better! Whatever it is, it can get better. There's nothing God can't do.

I've replied to you before and I see so much strength in you and a beautiful future. You just have to trust and have faith. If you're at rock bottom, the only place you can go is up. You're always in my thoughts and prayers, it'll be ok. Go for it.

-Christy
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Users who thank LiftmeUp for this post: Jasmyn 

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replied May 17th, 2011
Christy,

I just would like to thank you for caring so much about me and what I am going through, that's why I joined this forum to find hope and people who will give me strength, you by far are one of those who will save a lot of others dealing with their problems. I know that I need help and that (they say) is the first step, but I am way past that.... now my problem is actually getting it, I keep telling myself to do it, but another part of me is embarrassed and is trying to convince myself that I can handle it on my own. I'm not looking forward to it, but you're right about being rock bottom, I want and NEED to find the will to live again, I'm tired and sick from being like this. Another one of me problems is that I don't feel like I matter to anyone, I may have "friends" but what are friends when you can't even talk to them about everything or when you feel that they don't notice or even care. Again Christy thank you so much for your input, it is truly appreciated.

-Jasmyn =]
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replied May 17th, 2011
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Hi Jasmyn.
What if I said: Been there, done that.
I posted the following in other threads.
I hope it helps you even just a little.

Many of us humans tend to be sad2 depressed, unhappy and or angry, due to the fact that we want so much out of life, whether is material things or other factors.
If we are capable of living a simple life, without the greed for money and or
material things etc... and accept and appreciate whatever our life is offering us, we will be less angry and more happy. headstand
When you wake up tomorrow, be thankful for the sun, the wind, the rain, the rainbow, the birds and the bees etc... giggle
I read it somewhere readthis that, depression/unhappiness is the leading cause of Anxiety and Anxiety is the leading cause of being angry and leading to Panic Attacks and many other illness. stretcher
We all have a good good and a Evil or Very Mad bad side, and it's up to us to make sure the good good side reigns on. queen King
Keep in mind, there are billions of people on this planet,(and probably on other planets too) in worse condition than you. surgery
Be content, I guarantee you, you will be less angry. Try getting involved in helping those less fortunate than you and you will feel "ALIVE". cartwheel
P.S. Avoid cola's and cut down on caffeine and sugar, they cause hyperness. glance Confused
Try all of the above, you have nothing to lose, but lots to gain. applause

Noone's life is perfect!
We all had/have "incidents", some of us have them daily.
If our life is hell, it's up to us to endure and fight our way through it, and in the process, find Our Heaven.
Purgatory is in between, and we must pass through it.
Yes, it sucks, but unfortunately, that's the path of life. It's useless to envy others for what they have, it only makes us more angry. Greed is the downfall of All Human Race! We can NOT depend on others to make Our Life better. We each have to walk the way to Our success/failure.
Only the strong will prevail and acheive their goals. Just like in soccer, to acheive a goal, we must find ways to avoid obstacles and reach the net, and the goal is not always acheived, so, we pick our selves up and try again and again. No point in trying something if we are gonna quit.
Life is like a game, if we are weak in mind, our body will also be weak.
Expecting others to care for us, is in part a selfish act. Others have their life's problems too. Try putting your problems aside and help others instead, and see how you feel about it.
No matter how bad we think we're feeling, there're Billions of people in worse condition than us!
Self pity leads to lazyness and depression. We each must take charge of Our Life. Don't expect nor depend on others to live Your Life. Parents are a Temporary Factor. The bulk of Our Future(individualy) is on Our Shoulders.
I could go on for hours, but for some, it'll be just a bunch of ....?
For those who feel that, Your Life is worthless, You're not fit to Live and You're thinking obout Dying, then, why not dedicate Your Life to help others who are ..Dying To LIVE!?

TC. T. rainbow
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replied May 18th, 2011
I know exactly what you mean I tell poeple that all the time, to not let anybody take their joy away, but with me it's very different.... I don't want a lot out of life at all. I could care less about material things, I do live a very simple life, even simpler than you might think but all I want is the mental capability to be happy, and that, is not my fault. I grew up with a horrible family that abused me physically and emotionally and because of that, made me the person I am today. So please stop telling me all that because ultimately you don't know what I'm really going through or can't understand. But I do appreciate your input.
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replied May 23rd, 2011
True once ur in that state its very hard to really think appreciate the birds and winds is going to help. Not going to happen. The only way u will be fixed is by meds or real change of lifestyle but most likely you will need meds before u can have will to do anything. It will take time to adjust to them but u really have to try.
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replied May 18th, 2011
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Hi again.
I'm not telling you all that, I simply made some suggestions. Ultimately, noone can really tell excatly what you're going through. I can only try to imagine, but I'm sure I might only come close, but no cigar, if you know the phrase. No 2 human beings are ever equaly affected by the same factor. Some may be temporarily lightly affected, and some could become permanently traumaticaly damaged. I too was abused physicaly and emotionaly as a child. . I still bare the mental scars that just wont go away. I'm now 52, and my mind is somewhat stuck back in time, and I refuse to grow up. It ultimately comes down to each one of us to fight our way through it, doing our utmost to keep away those dreadful thoughts and memories.
I doubt that anyone is able nor capable to completely eradicate that part of their/our past, no matter how hard they/we try. So, we turn the page each day, and it all starts allover again. Ever seen a grown man cry?
But then again, I'm not a grown man, I'm just an old young guy. Wink
I'll pray for you, that you wont go through what I'm still going through now.
To be continued...?
TC. rainbow
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replied May 18th, 2011
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Thank you so much =] I think I see some of myself in you (over the internet even lol) and I love the determination I'm seeing in your posts!

You're handling everything really well for the situation you're in. I'm really sorry that happened to you Sad . A lot of my own depression comes from neglect and things that happened to me as a child. People tend to forget that those feelings are very real and we are not lazy or having some kind of pity party. It's not your fault at all.

Don't be embarrassed to make that appointment! They see lots of people everyday. None of us can handle it on our own! I was calling myself stubborn and my past psychiatrist, who became so much more, said "I don't think you're stubborn I think you're determined." I think that's you too. It's the one of the best traits to have :]
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replied May 20th, 2011
Another thing that I am worried about when it come to counseling is what if I need somebody there when I freak out, or someone to talk to. It's like "oh too bad you have to wait til our appointment" kind of thing. I have no friends that I can turn too and that also sucks.
I have some friends but they aren't the kind I could ever talk to them about this sort of thing, I only have a girlfriend and it's a lot on just her. So any advice?
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replied May 20th, 2011
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I've had days like that and the one thing that I can think of that comforts me is Christ. Knowing He's there and in control. I really thought about it and I can't imagine not having Him there, I literally could not have gotten this far without Him.

Can you talk to the receptionist? I know that sounds so weird but I actually got to know my psychs receptionist and she would check on me in the lobby. You just have to have faith.
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